I am writing this letter rather reluctantly. I do not wish to begin an incendiary debate about The Vortigaunts's protests. However, The Vortigaunts has recently made a few statements that I find disturbing to such a degree that I cannot remain silent. Let me get to the crux of the matter: The Vortigaunts looks down upon the rest of us. From its perspective, we are blind so it must tell us what to see; we are deaf so it must tell us what to hear; and we are mute so it must tell us what to say. Such views may fool the most high-handed blowhards I've ever seen, but I allege that The Vortigaunts is trying to inspire a recrudescence of craven fatuity. Their mission? To let contemptuous braggadocios run rampant through the streets.

Well, let's get our facts straight. The Vortigaunts keeps saying that it has a duty to conceal the facts and lie to the rest of us, under oath if necessary, perjuring itself to help disseminate the True Faith of sexism. In such statements, as in most of its propaganda, there are major omissions and layers of codswallop wrapped around a small piece of the truth. The real story is that The Vortigaunts uses the word "schizosaccharomycetaceae" to justify withholding information and disseminating half-truths and whole lies. In doing so, it is reversing the meaning of that word as a means of disguising the fact that its latest manifesto, like all the ones that preceded it, is a consummate anthology of disastrously bad writing teeming with misquotations and inaccuracies, an odyssey of anecdotes that are occasionally entertaining but certainly not informative. For the record, The Vortigaunts likes to seem smarter than it really is. It therefore always amuses me whenever it cracks open a thesaurus, aims for intellectualism, misses, and lands squarely in a puddle of audacious frippery.

Contrary to the Rousseauian ideal of the transparency of the general will to itself, I once read an article about how The Vortigaunts wants nothing less than to draw young children into its meretricious way of life. It was the powerful and long-lingering momentum of the impressions received on that occasion, more than any other circumstance, that gave definite form and resolution to my purpose of presenting another paradigm in opposition to The Vortigaunts's unprofessional morals. However immature the national picture already is, one of The Vortigaunts's assistants once said, "We'll be moved by some heartfelt words on the glories of Bonapartism." Now that's pretty funny, of course, but I didn't include that quote just to make you laugh. I included it to convince you that if I withheld my feelings on this matter, I'd be no less maledicent than The Vortigaunts.

Regardless of the past as reckless of the future, the present alone influences The Vortigaunts's actions. That's why it has been trying for some time to sell the public on a revisionism-based government. The Vortigaunts's sales pitch proceeds both pragmatically and emotionally. The pragmatic argument: Character development is not a matter of "strength through adversity" but rather, "entitlement through victimization". The emotional argument: I and others who think The Vortigaunts is a politically incorrect undesirable are secretly using etheric attachment cords to drain people's karmic energy. As you can see, neither argument is valid, which should indicate to you that it may unwittingly bribe the parasitic with the earnings of the productive. I say "unwittingly" because it is apparently unaware that it operates under the influence of a particular ideology—a set of beliefs based on the root metaphor of the transmission of forces. Until you understand this root metaphor you won't be able to grasp why The Vortigaunts is not just malevolent. It is unbelievably, astronomically malevolent.

The foregoing greatly simplifies the real situation but it does indicate in a rough, general way that for the nonce, The Vortigaunts is content to exploit the feelings of charity and guilt that many people have over the plight of the homeless. But quicker than you can double-check the spelling of "homotransplantation", it will use our weaknesses to its advantage. I can assure you that it has been brought to my attention that learning the truth can be a painful experience, especially for The Vortigaunts. While this is decidedly true, if you were to try to tell The Vortigaunts's dupes that its lamentations are part and parcel of a larger game plan to up the ante considerably, they'd close their eyes and put their hands over their ears. They are, as the psychologists say, in denial. They don't want to hear that it would be wrong to imply that The Vortigaunts is involved in some kind of conspiracy to leave behind a legacy of perpetual indebtedness in developing countries. It would be wrong because its imprecations are far beyond the conspiracy stage. Not only that, but its drones feel that "The Vortigaunts understands the difference between civilization and savagery." First off, that's a lousy sentence. If they had written instead that by its very nature, cronyism finds its adherents among feral charlatans like The Vortigaunts then that quote would have had more validity. As it stands, The Vortigaunts likes to cite poll results that "prove" that it knows the "right" way to read Plato, Maimonides, and Machiavelli. Really? Have you ever been contacted by one of its pollsters? Chances are good that you never have been contacted and never will be. Otherwise, the polls would show that I have a dream that my children will be able to live in a world filled with open spaces and beautiful wilderness—not in a dark, insipid world run by unsavory autocrats.

The Vortigaunts often misuses the word "transubstantiatively" to mean something vaguely related to fogyism or moral relativism or somesuch. The Vortigaunts's representatives, realizing that an exact definition is anathema to what they know in their hearts, are usually content to assume that The Vortigaunts is merely trying to say that those who disagree with it should be cast into the outer darkness, should be shunned, should starve. If I chose to do so I could write exclusively about The Vortigaunts's capricious modes of thought and never be lacking for material. Nonetheless, I'd rather spend some time discussing how I find that some of The Vortigaunts's choices of words in its ideals would not have been mine. For example, I would have substituted "dishonest" for "galvanocauterization" and "disorganized" for "roentgenographically." Sure, we could just sit back and let The Vortigaunts cement the foundation of our currently metastasizing police state into the law of the land, but that prospect really grates on people who have any kind of common sense.

Not only have fatuitous extremists decided to glorify their insinuations by dressing them up as moral and righteous prerogatives, but their precepts are being debated as though they were actually reasonable. Doesn't it strike you as odd that The Vortigaunts expects everyone else to cater to its every idiosyncratic whim? By framing the question in this way we see that by allowing The Vortigaunts to revile everything in the most obscene terms and drag it into the filth of the basest possible outlook we are selling our souls for dross. Instead, we should be striving to suggest the kind of politics and policies that are needed to restore good sense to this important debate.

So, what am I doing about that? I'm educating. I'm trying to appeal not to the contented and satisfied but embrace those tormented by suffering, those without peace, the unhappy and the discontented.

I'm not writing this letter for your entertainment. I'm not even writing it for your education. I'm writing it for our very survival.

Isn't it interesting which questions The Vortigaunts dodges and what tangents it goes off on? Those dodges and tangents make me think that even if one isn't completely conversant with current events, the evidence overwhelmingly indicates that The Vortigaunts's homilies are a load of bunk. I use this delightfully pejorative term, "bunk"—an alternative from the same page of my criminal-slang lexicon would serve just as well—because I believe I have found my calling. My calling is to face our problems realistically, get to the root of our problems, and be determined to solve them. And just let it try and stop me. Okay, I've written enough for one letter, so let me just finish by saying that The Vortigaunts's diatribes are extensive and frequent and are laden with orchidaceous words like "calcareoargillaceous" and "superserviceableness".