i am SO goddamn sorry for being such a fucking douche today. there’re just no excuse for it - you can try to mitigate the pain but coming from a close friend... it’s only a given that it’d hurt. and no matter how many times i intend to apologise, nothing will make amends - you can accept every one of my apologies, and somehow, i just get the feeling that you will have the patience to accept it all but I just really, really had to get this to you before i’d tuck my tail between my legs and run away like ive always done. im so sick of running away.

i started going quiet at first because i was thinking, then i got pissed off because i shouldnt have ignored you guys but i just kept ignoring you guys anyway. so i ended up wallowing in my own realisation but incompetence in actually changing anything. i tried really hard not to worry or to try to feel self-righteous, but i just felt more and more self-important.

literally: neither you nor him cares about this, just why the hell am I, of all people, bothered? and i was just worrying you and susan the whole time too. i could care less about that guy, was what i kept telling myself but i just kept getting more and more anxious, like i was going to run out of time or something.

i try not to show this side of me but sometimes i end up slipping back into a bad habit of badmouthing myself, but honestly, i hate how i can be like this - letting my worries consume me - because im not at all strong like you. the way that you can keep putting up a strong front even when you put your hand on my shoulder before you left... if i were you, i dont think i couldve been able to do that.

there are reasons why i say im a bad friend, or simply just not a good friend - that’s because i dont feel like i care about you or susan near as much as you guys care for me and this kindness is what makes me feel the most guilty. i know it shouldnt be attributing to my guilt but it does. i dont know how you guys can keep being kind to someone so utterly disgusting like me. i dont even treat myself kindly, so you guys are a real enigma.

what i ended up getting pissed about the most was that it most definitely looked like we were arguing over some dumb boy, but honestly, i was just drowning in my own self-hatred and unrelinquishable grief. i was never mad with you or susan. i was just deeply disappointed and moreover angry at myself for being so-ever condescending and arrogant.

i really really really just wished i went to that goddamn chemistry resit and no one would’ve had to known. 5 months wouldve just flown by. literally no one would be burdened by my problems. but nope, i was just an idiot.

because i know, i know. and that’s why i can get so freaking annoying because i feel obligated to fixing an issue, but like you said, not everything requires fixing, but i was just selfish. foolishly so.

i tried ruining my image a bit more to him. i dont know if it worked but i sincerely hoped it did. i hope i came off as a pretending all-knowing fool. and ideally, i wished you and susan would feel the same towards me - an apathetic, insensitive imbecile - so that i could feel true to myself, but knowing you guys, i know it’s probably not that easy to change your minds, even if i do something as horrible as this... you guys are all idiots, honestly. really. but i cant help but to be attracted by that oblivious idiocy.

i dont want to be like this. i dont want to always feel like im above others while struggling internally with the blatant contradiction i carry - i feel like im superior to others because im alone, but im also inferior because im alone. i know im not actually alone, but sometimes it really feels like i am.

i dont want to feel alone because im obviously not. i want to appreciate my friends more, my family more, and myself more - but i dont know how. i pretend like i know where to head towards to but the truth is, i really, really dont. but i want to know.

and in my curiosity, there is nothing i could not know. but in my ignorance, i could not know.

im rambling at this point now. and i know you probably wont respond word to word since you’re not that good with this sort of existential sort of thing, but i just really wanted to say that i am sorry. sincerely, and genuinely. there is nothing more than immense guilt right now, so please, just let me apologise to you.

i’ll try to be more honest from here onwards. i’ll try to be strong. i’ll try to learn the flow of time.