mindless rambling idk
TrogdorSRL Nov 17th, 2018 (edited) 214 Never
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- This will be quite long so I'll just make a short list of what's gonna be in it in case anyone wants to read just a few bits.
- Stream stuff
- GDQ stuff
- Life stuff
- Casual stuff
- Music stuff
- Stream stuff:
- I want to revive the speedrun stream sometime soon, but I feel like I've put too much on my plate to really dedicate free time to speedrunning. I submitted X3 any% to SNES Superstars which may or may not be possible for me due to work taking forever to let me know if I have that day off or not.
- I think I care too much about how many viewers I have when I do turn the stream on, which makes sense to me given that I still have a small motivation to try and get partner. Let's face it, I understand very well that not many of my viewers in general like watching Final Fantasy 14 and not many like watching OoT randomizers. Unfortunately that's all I can really see myself doing any time soon due to being dead tired all the time (I still don't know the cause of this but it's starting to irritate me).
- I just don't know what the general Twitch population wants to see in a stream and I just feel like time and time again that I just don't have whatever that is. I'm still mad about the great year of 2017 kicking me in the balls repeatedly. I don't even remember how many partner applications went by with a denial, but it was not a small number.
- I know that complaining about it won't change a thing and I just have to grind and it's up to me to find the free time to get it done. The other thing is: is there even a benefit to partner that I don't already have or can take advantage of? It feels like it won't help me as much as I would hope.
- The true end goal for me would be to have a way to make some money that doesn't involve working my ass off at a job I hate. Is that even a thing that is possible? I don't know, but streaming is one of the few things I truly enjoy doing.
- GDQ stuff:
- I'm tempted to bail due to financial reasons (I owe people money for various things and I'd feel like a dweeb if I went without paying it back first). MMX relay is one of few reasons that I really want to go, as I don't know if I'd get another chance to meet some of the bois.
- As far as actually doing a run goes, it's cool that I got into an AGDQ finally, but with not much motivation to play X2 I don't feel very excited about it.
- Life stuff:
- I moved away from home a few years ago because I was unhappy and wanted to just get the hell away from everything that was slowly dragging me down. Turns out that it didn't help as much as I would have liked it to.
- The first year of living out in Wisconsin was great, I found a job that I kinda hated but had a lot of people that made it bearable. I had friends to live with and do things with instead of just being at home passing the time with a 12 hour a day job and no IRL friends nearby.
- The second year was not terrible, but it was definitely a step down from the first. It has not much to do with the people I lived with, but with many things outside of that. I really felt like I was sinking again and didn't really want to deal with much, so I just did what I always do and just distract myself with an MMO and shut everything out (hello again 2007).
- Even now that I've moved again and have a new place to adjust to, I just don't feel happy. It feels like I'm incapable of it. Streaming is a good outlet for my frustrations, but at the same time I have too many goals and expectations to go along with it.
- People have suggested therapy but I am stubborn and I don't want to talk to some stranger about my mind and have to pay them for the opportunity. Waste of time and money.
- This job I have now is really starting to piss me off, but I don't have an out. I make $15 an hour to stock shelves in a grocery store, you'd think I found the perfect easy ass job to just coast on. I actually cannot stand it due to management and supervisors being really questionable about scheduling and choice of words.
- People say money is not everything, and this job is really starting to prove that to me. I've been working retail on and off for about 8 years and I just don't want to do it anymore. The problem is I don't really have anything else I can do with as much experience.
- Casual stuff:
- I don't know what I would do without Final Fantasy 14 and OoT randomizers, honestly. They're both really good things to just hang out and play with a really good group of people (shoutouts to the MOOZ crew, big fan).
- I think in the future I would like to branch out from the friend group to do raids with other people, but for now I am comfortable where I am. Not to mention pretty soon we're going to be doing a really difficult boss fight that I'm really unsure about. I'm hoping it's fun and that we can stay motivated to get it done.
- Music stuff:
- Every time I listen to a Trivium album, I find something new about it to appreciate. It's not a surprise that I'm a huge fan of the band, don't care if people care about it or not.
- Most of their albums really give me a good perspective on my own feelings and mental health, as well as a way to try and get through some real crap when it rears its ugly head. Also a lot of songs make me feel like it's ok to say fuck certain people because they're not worth it.
- Outside of Trivium, I've been listening to di.fm off and on, it is a really good radio station to relax to and just zone out. Trance is one of my favorite genres of music, even if a lot of it sounds the same it still gets the job done.
- If you read this whole thing, I'm both impressed and sorry.
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