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mindless rambling idk

TrogdorSRL Nov 17th, 2018 (edited) 209 Never
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  1. This will be quite long so I'll just make a short list of what's gonna be in it in case anyone wants to read just a few bits.
  2.  
  3. Stream stuff
  4. GDQ stuff
  5. Life stuff
  6. Casual stuff
  7. Music stuff
  8.  
  9. Stream stuff:
  10.  
  11. I want to revive the speedrun stream sometime soon, but I feel like I've put too much on my plate to really dedicate free time to speedrunning. I submitted X3 any% to SNES Superstars which may or may not be possible for me due to work taking forever to let me know if I have that day off or not.
  12.  
  13. I think I care too much about how many viewers I have when I do turn the stream on, which makes sense to me given that I still have a small motivation to try and get partner. Let's face it, I understand very well that not many of my viewers in general like watching Final Fantasy 14 and not many like watching OoT randomizers. Unfortunately that's all I can really see myself doing any time soon due to being dead tired all the time (I still don't know the cause of this but it's starting to irritate me).
  14.  
  15. I just don't know what the general Twitch population wants to see in a stream and I just feel like time and time again that I just don't have whatever that is. I'm still mad about the great year of 2017 kicking me in the balls repeatedly. I don't even remember how many partner applications went by with a denial, but it was not a small number.
  16.  
  17. I know that complaining about it won't change a thing and I just have to grind and it's up to me to find the free time to get it done. The other thing is: is there even a benefit to partner that I don't already have or can take advantage of? It feels like it won't help me as much as I would hope.
  18.  
  19. The true end goal for me would be to have a way to make some money that doesn't involve working my ass off at a job I hate. Is that even a thing that is possible? I don't know, but streaming is one of the few things I truly enjoy doing.
  20.  
  21. GDQ stuff:
  22.  
  23. I'm tempted to bail due to financial reasons (I owe people money for various things and I'd feel like a dweeb if I went without paying it back first). MMX relay is one of few reasons that I really want to go, as I don't know if I'd get another chance to meet some of the bois.
  24.  
  25. As far as actually doing a run goes, it's cool that I got into an AGDQ finally, but with not much motivation to play X2 I don't feel very excited about it.
  26.  
  27. Life stuff:
  28.  
  29. I moved away from home a few years ago because I was unhappy and wanted to just get the hell away from everything that was slowly dragging me down. Turns out that it didn't help as much as I would have liked it to.
  30.  
  31. The first year of living out in Wisconsin was great, I found a job that I kinda hated but had a lot of people that made it bearable. I had friends to live with and do things with instead of just being at home passing the time with a 12 hour a day job and no IRL friends nearby.
  32.  
  33. The second year was not terrible, but it was definitely a step down from the first. It has not much to do with the people I lived with, but with many things outside of that. I really felt like I was sinking again and didn't really want to deal with much, so I just did what I always do and just distract myself with an MMO and shut everything out (hello again 2007).
  34.  
  35. Even now that I've moved again and have a new place to adjust to, I just don't feel happy. It feels like I'm incapable of it. Streaming is a good outlet for my frustrations, but at the same time I have too many goals and expectations to go along with it.
  36.  
  37. People have suggested therapy but I am stubborn and I don't want to talk to some stranger about my mind and have to pay them for the opportunity. Waste of time and money.
  38.  
  39. This job I have now is really starting to piss me off, but I don't have an out. I make $15 an hour to stock shelves in a grocery store, you'd think I found the perfect easy ass job to just coast on. I actually cannot stand it due to management and supervisors being really questionable about scheduling and choice of words.
  40.  
  41. People say money is not everything, and this job is really starting to prove that to me. I've been working retail on and off for about 8 years and I just don't want to do it anymore. The problem is I don't really have anything else I can do with as much experience.
  42.  
  43. Casual stuff:
  44.  
  45. I don't know what I would do without Final Fantasy 14 and OoT randomizers, honestly. They're both really good things to just hang out and play with a really good group of people (shoutouts to the MOOZ crew, big fan).
  46.  
  47. I think in the future I would like to branch out from the friend group to do raids with other people, but for now I am comfortable where I am. Not to mention pretty soon we're going to be doing a really difficult boss fight that I'm really unsure about. I'm hoping it's fun and that we can stay motivated to get it done.
  48.  
  49. Music stuff:
  50.  
  51. Every time I listen to a Trivium album, I find something new about it to appreciate. It's not a surprise that I'm a huge fan of the band, don't care if people care about it or not.
  52.  
  53. Most of their albums really give me a good perspective on my own feelings and mental health, as well as a way to try and get through some real crap when it rears its ugly head. Also a lot of songs make me feel like it's ok to say fuck certain people because they're not worth it.
  54.  
  55. Outside of Trivium, I've been listening to di.fm off and on, it is a really good radio station to relax to and just zone out. Trance is one of my favorite genres of music, even if a lot of it sounds the same it still gets the job done.
  56.  
  57. If you read this whole thing, I'm both impressed and sorry.
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