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  1. Fuck I can't cite individual lines without the pastebin version and I'm too lazy to look for it
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  3. >beckoning me to open my eyes from the slumber that I seem to be coming out of
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  5. If he's really asleep, the fact should be introduced to the reader earlier than this.
  6.  
  7. >begin to focus while light relentlessly assaults them
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  9. The light assaulting them doesn't seem relevant enough to be stated alongside the fact that they are opening. If, however, you said that they were attempting to focus instead of beginning to focus, then we'd see a stronger correlation, and it would sound better.
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  11. >large mug off coffee
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  13. This version here on the forums isn't taking into account the mistakes people caught on /vg/, is it? Well, I'm going to ignore them and hope that I'm right.
  14.  
  15. >I laugh and wave her over to me, which she gladly does
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  17. You said that Hanako did, but you didn't say what she did. One can infer that she moved over to him, but the sentence itself is incomplete.
  18.  
  19. >pull her into a tight hug
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  21. The word "pull" already implies that the hug is going to be "tight".
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  23. >"I'll be r-right back, I forgot to bring your present in from the l-living room!" She runs out of the room, leaving me with mountains of food. I take a sip of my coffee and begin to recollect the past few years of my life. I managed to graduate from Yamaku, fall in love, head to university, propose to her and then move in with her. It's hard to think that once we wrap up our studies, we'll be getting hitched.
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  25. I know that this is supposed to be a review of some kind, but when the last two or three sentences (your pick) are in the same paragraph as the first ones, it really, REALLY undervalues their importance. Besides that, "I managed to X, Y, and Z" is really boring.
  26.  
  27. >We do... well, 'adult' things
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  29. It's definitely a step up from actually addressing the reader, like I know you did once before, but I don't think he should sound embarrassed about it if it's in his own thoughts.
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  31. >switching her nightgown for one of
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  33. Hold on. Is this the first time you've mentioned the nightgown? When she's no longer wearing it? If so, remedy that.
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  35. >her pair of glasses
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  37. I know this is probably just fanservice, but I want to see this
  38.  
  39. >She shoots me her usual shy smile
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  41. A shy smile doesn't seem like something that should be shot. A daring smirk, maybe, but not a shy smile.
  42.  
  43. >My eyes open up in realization that I forgot to lock it,
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  45. Why would it be locked if it's just Hisao and Hanako in the house?
  46.  
  47. >Frowning frowning frowning
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  49. Whoa nigga you're not Doomish, no need to use that word so much. Maybe scowling or pouting or something, depending on the situation.
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  51. So yeah, just ctrl-f to find the things I mentioned, since I couldn't cite line numbers.