“Come on, let's go!” Aki's voice rings through the air, bright and luminous. Hanako and I are following behind her, our fingers intertwined, bags dangling from our shoulders. Her bright red backpack makes her stand out amongst the hordes of pedestrians, despite it being standard issue for all new elementary students.
“Patience, sweetheart,” Hanako says after her. Aki pays her no attention, still racing through the crowds with seemingly boundless energy.
“But the train station is so close!” she responds. “We're almost there, and I'm excited!”
I let go of Hanako's hand for a moment to chase after “my” daughter. Not technically mine. But after Hanako and I started dating again two years ago, I tried my best to take her in as my own. It was a bit disconcerting at first, knowing that this was a girl fathered by a different man. Despite all of that, I remained strong.
And I wouldn't trade what I have for anything.
She's a slippery snake, weaving around and among pairs of legs like trees in a forest. But that backpack is her downfall, as is the sound of her laughter after she notices me following her. I hunch down like a predator, undoubtedly garnering a few strange looks from the people around us. As if these people don't understand the joy of having a child to call your own. I pity those that don't.
I thrust a hand forward, but she steps just out of my grasp. I reach again, and again, clawing for something to hold on to. All it'll take to capture her is one... little... slip up... There. Got her.
My hand meets her shoulder, and she slows to a stop, satisfied with her game. She spins around, baring her pearly whites, and throws her arms around my neck. “You caught me, Daddy!” That word. It sends satisfactory shivers down my spine.
“You didn't really think you could outrun your dad, did you?”
She giggles. “No, but I had to try~.”
Hanako comes up behind us, her footsteps light and graceful. The professional side of her was one of the first differences I noticed after we started dating again. I never really imagined her in heels when we were in school together, but she manages to make it work. She still wears an almost all-encompassing suit, though. I suppose one doesn't really get over physical damage like hers.
I, on the other hand, am fortunate enough to have the day off. I took a vacation day especially for Aki. There aren't many days that I get to have her to myself, and I wanted this one to be special. It is her first day at school, after all.
“Finally decided to slow down for me?” Hanako asks, a hint of sarcasm in her tone.
“I thought it might've been a good idea,” I reply, rising to my feet as Aki still hangs onto my neck. I swing her around to wrap her legs around my waist from the back, making it a bit easier to carry her. My arrythmia hasn't bothered me for a few years now, with all the recent medical advances. Someone finally made a breakthrough on it, and I get to reap the benefits. Like actually giving my daughter a piggy-back ride.
We continue through the crowd as one dysfunctional little family. I mean, Hanako isn't technically my wife. So Aki isn't technically my stepdaughter either. I should probably fix that soon.
Hanako starts up another round of conversation: “So, Aki, ready for your first day?”
This little girl is usually quite bubbly, like most her age. But that question turns her sour. “Not really.”
“Why not?” I ask.
“Just... not.” Her skin turns a bit cold against mine, and she rests her head on my collar.
“You're not scared, are you?” I try to be playful, teasing her to lighten the mood.
“Mmm... a little.” Well, that went swimmingly. I guess it's normal for her to be scared. She's never had a full day without someone she really knows around. This will be her first experience with that.
“You don't need to be scared, you know,” I respond. “You're a smart little girl. The teachers will love you.”
Aki doesn't respond, electing to bury her face in my neck and tighten her grip on me.
The rest of our walk is short and progresses in absolute silence. The little girl hanging off my back perks up as we start to descend the staircase into the depths of the city. “We're finally there?” she asks ecstatically.
“Yep,” I respond. “Still excited, I see.”
“You expect less from her?” Hanako says.
“Point taken,” I answer. “She /is/ your daughter.”
“Hey!” Aki bites. “Don't make fun of Mom! You're supposed to love her!” Hanako makes a fake sobbing gesture for emphasis.
“Gang up on me, why don'tcha? Just having a little fun is all...”
The girls giggle in unison, and Hanako plants a quick kiss on my cheek. Aki retches and gags. “Yuck, cooties! Mom, how can you stand them?” Just to mess with her, I peck Hanako's cheek in return. More gagging. “Ewewewewewewewew!”
Her mother laughs with childish delight. “You learn to like them, sweetie.”
“Nuh-uh! Not in a million years!”
Hanako just rolls her eyes, still smiling. That 'What are we going to do with her?' kind of look. “Well, kiddo,” I start, “I think she would like them by now or I wouldn't still be around.” She concedes the point with a grumble, slamming her head on my collar in disgust.
The ticket purchase booths are crowded as always. There's a significant number of children around, likely for the same reason ours is. Each of them being clad in a school uniform and a red backpack confirms my suspicion. Thankfully, Hanako foresaw this and thought to buy us a yearly metro pass. Cheaper than buying them each day, too, so it was definitely a no-brainer situation.
Hanako's office is on the opposite end of town, so she has to take a separate train. We come to the juncture where we'll be splitting for the day. “Have a nice day off, love,” she says to me. “And you behave yourself on your first day, alright?” Aki doesn't look at her, still resigned in defeat. Hanako gives her a pinch on the cheek. “Hey,” she continues. The girl lifts her head. “I know you'll do well, my little angel.” She plants a kiss on her daughter's forehead, pulling a smile out of that dreary attitude.
Aki motions that she wants down, and I ease her off my back. She runs to her mother, leaping into her embrace. “You're getting so big...” I swear I can almost hear her voice crack, restraining that old stammer. It still comes back sometimes, but only in moments of extreme emotion. I think this qualifies.
The two release each other, and I take Aki's hand. “I love you both,” Hanako says.
“I love you, too,” we respond in unison. She rounds her heel and starts off to her train, leaving only the two of us.
“C'mon, kiddo,” I say, tugging at her hand. “Let's get moving.” I look up at one of the clocks hanging from the walls: 07:27.
Shit.
The train we need is leaving at 07:31, so it'll dock at 07:29 sharp. Two minutes. Plenty of time, if we move fast. I start moving into a slight jog, practically dragging my daughter along with me just to keep up the pace.
“Daddy, slow down!” my passenger pleads.
“No time, we're running behind!” I spin around and pick her up, thinking it'll save time and make it easier on her. I would hate to see her physically exhausted on her first day. Drenched in sweat, and all the smells that come with it... Yeah, please no. It actually ends up slowing us down a bit, but I think we'll be fine at the current pace.
The crowds are a bit more difficult to navigate when carrying another person. Hell, it's bad enough on your own. I remember trying to get to my first day on the new job some years ago, failing miserably and almost getting fired for being late. All because I was too polite and let people cut in front of me. It's a dog-eat-dog world, and sometimes you just have to shove people out of your way to get where you're going.
I hate to admit that I'm guilty of that, especially with impressionable eyes watching me, but it's the truth. I've got somewhere to be, and I'm running late. I'll explain it to her later, if I have to.
There's the entrance to our terminal. I glance down at my watch: 07:28. Close to 07:29. Looks like we'll make it. I rush into the terminal, girl still in my arms, and manage to fight my way onto the designated platform. I stop to catch my breath, relieved at seeing an empty track with lots of people around. Aki climbs out of my grasp, and I set my bag on the floor.
“Tired?” she asks.
“A little bit. Had to make sure we made the train.”
“Is that why you were so mean to all those people?” Dammit, she caught me.
“I'll explain it to you later. Don't do what I just did, always leave really early. Otherwise, you have to be really rude just to make it on time.” Ye olde 'do as I say, not as I do.' Great parenting there, Hisao.
The metro comes roaring down the tunnel, carrying a blast of stale air along with it. You would think that my time growing up in the city would make me used to their grand entrances by now, yet it still catches me off guard. Aki's reaction is similar, but amplified. She covers her ears in a futile attempt to shut out the noise. The steel rails groan as the metro comes to a grinding halt, stopping with the doors aligned with the marked spots on the floor.
I pat Aki on the head and smile, trying to give her a signal that she's safe now. Her hands let go of her ears reluctantly, making sure I'm not playing some kind of sick joke on her. I'm not /that/ cruel, am I?
I bend over to pick up my bag, and Aki reaches for my free hand. I take hers in mine, guiding the both of us into the busting crowd attempting to cram into the train. Sendai is not very large, but rush hour is hell no matter where you go. After a few bumps and run-ins with the local morons trying to fight their way to work on time, we make it inside. I search for a double seat, but give up and settle for giving my daughter a seat, grabbing a support pole for myself.
She kicks her legs back and forth, finding amusement in the motions. “Enjoying yourself?” I ask her with a smile.
She nods emphatically. “Mmhmm~! It's fun, you should try it.” She reminds me of her mother, at times: playing games with herself, much like Hanako's tile-hopping in the school halls.
“I guess you're not still worried about your first day, then?”
Her happy-go-lucky attitude quickly darkens. I'm still new to reading her; two years has not been enough to learn the ins and outs of this girl. She seemed similar to who I imagined a young Hanako would be, at first: timid, introverted, yet caring and loyal. She's opened up a lot more since I came into her life. Hanako attributes it to me stepping up to be her father. I'm still unconvinced.
“I'm... I dunno,” she replies. “Kinda scared, I guess.”
I put a hand on her shoulder for reassurance. The train jerks to life, forcing me back into full lenience on my pole. Once I regain my balance, I try again. “Don't worry about it too much,” I say softly, just over the engine's bellows. “You'll do fine.”
“But, Daddy, what if no one likes me?” Her voice is laced with a pleading tone. Not quite fear, but reluctance. “What if I do something weird and they all laugh at me?”
I'm reminded of a quote that might help here. I slide down the pole to get on eye level with her, claiming one of her tiny hands in mine. “Aki...,” I start, “a wise man once said, ‘Be yourself. Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind.’” Her eyes go wide, her brain racking to understand the words. “Your mother and I will always love you. So will Gramma and Grampa. So will Aunt Akira.” My fingertips caress her cheek. “And so will someone you meet today.”
“P-promise?” she stammers. Yeah, she's definitely her mother's child.
“Promise.” The smile returns to her face, and I rise back to a standing position.
“Hey, Daddy?”
My attention shifts back to my daughter. “Yes, Aki?”
“Who said that? The ‘who matter, be yourself’ thing.”
I smile, anticipating her response. Her favorite author. “Dr. Seuss.”
“Really? The same man that wrote the cat hat story?” She practically beams at me, hands curled into fists and held against her chest.
“Yeah. Same guy.”
“I love him. That makes me feel a lot better.” Mission accomplished. “Thanks, Daddy.” I swear that word still makes my heart melt, and she's not even biologically mine.
“No problem, kiddo.”
I watch the rotating digital map on the wall of our train. It's supposed to be a seven minute trip to our stop, and there are about four and a half minutes left. The map twists and turns, showcasing the entire underground mapping of this route, along with our current location, upcoming stops, and estimated time to arrival of each of those stops. Cool stuff, really. I was always at least handy with computers, but it was never my thing. Sometimes I wonder if it should've been. That field's come a long way, and I would've loved to be a part of it.
Just standing there, mesmerized in the dance of lights and pixels, my thoughts start to wander. I look back and think about all the memories I've shared with this girl over the past few years. It's been a fun ride, to say the least. Each day more exciting than the last. I still vividly remember the day I moved into Hanako's apartment. Aki was rather shocked at how quickly things escalated, given that we waited a matter of weeks before deciding to live together. We practically were already, given how much time we spent together.
She wasn't entirely accepting of me, at first. She never knew her father, so she had no idea what to think of me. It was always just her and Hanako, two girls against the world. She had no one to look up to, no real secondary figurehead in her life. I had to step into the role. It was hard. I thrust myself into a position where I didn't know how things would go from day to day. Where every moment was an adventure just waiting to happen.
But I'll be damned if it wasn't fun. And I think I've done a fine job, if I do say so myself.
“Daddy?” Her voice pulls me out of my trance. She tugs on my pant leg, just to make sure she gets my attention. Her large, blue eyes shimmer and bore into me. Filled with curiosity and wonder. “What was your first day like?”
I think for a moment. There have been so many. “First day of what?”
“Of school, silly!”
“Oh, okay. Hm. Well, I don't remember much of it, to be honest. I remember...” Well, what /do/ I remember? “I remember the absolutely terrible school lunches. I had Gramma make me a bento every day after that. That's why Mommy made yours for today. I remember hating most of my teachers. They were all kinda mean, really strict. Uptight. I hated it. And... I remember meeting some of my first real friends that day. Some of us were even friends until high school. Until...” Did I ever tell her how Hanako and I could have met? About that day in the snow?
“Until what, Daddy?”
“Until my accident.” She cocks her head, affirming my doubts. I should probably tell her. I don't want there to be secrets between us.
“One day, in the cold of November, almost... 8 or 9 years ago.” Christ, has it really been that long? “I looked in my locker and found a note from a secret admirer. It said to meet her in the park that evening. So I did. I went to the park, amongst the trees and snow. And a girl showed up. Her name was Iwanako. And she confessed to me. I had never had a girl confess to me before. My heart started beating really fast and... and I had a heart attack. My first one, there in the park, with only a shy girl that I barely knew to help me. But she did, and I ended up going to Yamaku for my last year of school.” I smile, because this is my favorite part. “And that's how I met your mother.”
She smiles, a stark contrast to her melancholy mood during my story. “I always like sad stories with happy endings,” she says, twisting her shoulders with her hands in her lap. “Thanks for sharing, Daddy~.”
I can't help but smile back. This girl is far too adorable. “Anytime, sweetie. I don't want to keep secrets from you. Can you do the same for me?”
She nods, extending her pinky. “Pinky promise.”
I accept, knowing that it's a lie. I know that there will come a day during her teenage years when she'll have all kinds of secrets to withhold. But all that matters is right now. All that matters is her putting forth the effort. And that means the world to me.
The train starts to slow, coming to the first stop on the line: our stop. The platform is full of its own potential passengers, but they'll - hopefully - stand clear for us to exit. I'm not holding my breath, though. Once the engine comes to a complete stop, I offer my hand to Aki. “C'mon, let's get moving.” She takes my hand, and I manage to work us out the exit of the train. Hard part done, now we just have to get to her school building.
I pull my phone out of my bag and start up my maps app. Giving it a destination, it spits out walking directions. The building isn't far, only about a ten minute walk. That's plenty of time; it's only a little under twenty minutes to the hour.
The streets in this district are just as crowded as ours. That familiar shade of red is everywhere on these kids' backs. “You sure you're ready?” I ask my diminuitive companion.
She shrugs her shoulders. “I dunno, are you?” Trust me, I'm more worried than you are right now. And Hanako even more still. This is the bird's first step out of the nest. And I think I'm attached to her enough now that I have a right to be concerned about that, too.
We come up on a street corner, waiting amongst our fellow pedestrians for the walk sign to change. My foot taps impatiently, and Aki takes note. She tugs on my pant leg to get my attention. “Something wrong, Daddy?”
No, dear, nothing. Or everything. It's finally catching up to me what today means: one more step forward in her life. One more hurdle being overcome. One less milestone to reach. She's so innocent, so pure. I'm not sure that I'm ready to give that up yet.
My father always told me I wouldn't quite understand why they struggled so much with me going to Yamaku until I had a child of my own. I can see now what he means, if only on a lesser scale.
“Daddy?” Her voice calls out to me again. I look down, and she cocks her head in curiosity. I smile at the gesture, amused by her childish demeanor.
“Nothing, sweetie. Just... thinking.”
The walk sign from across the street starts to chirp, signalling us to cross. “What about?” Aki starts as we walk. She's persistent, I'll give her that. She refuses to take no for an answer. I suppose that's a good thing, in a way. I just hope she doesn't turn out anything like Ms. Class President from Yamaku.
“About the future. About what kind of young woman you'll grow up to be.”
“But I don't wanna be old!”
I stifle a snicker. You and me both, kid. I won't be surprised if I catch a gray hair tomorrow morning with all this worrying I'm doing. “You might not want to, but you have to. It's part of life.”
“Nuh-uh! I'll stay young forever, like those kids in that movie with the pirate and the crocodile.”
“You mean the Lost Boys?”
“Yeah, those! Who wouldn't want to be a kid forever? So much time to run and play with Moms and Dads... It's a dream come true!”
I hope you hold onto that playful spirit, Aki. It's what I like most about you. “It does sound nice, doesn't it? Maybe I can help you figure out the secret to eternal life?” I make sure to add a sing-song tone to my voice.
She giggles heartily, excited by my cooperation in whatever scheme she's plotting. “It'd be a good place to start~.”
“Well, then, I'll make sure to have my lackeys started on it first thing in the morning.” Her jumping is so fervent that I swear she could clear a hurdle as high as my knees.
“You promise?”
“Pinky promise.” As if I haven't made enough promises today already.
It's not much longer until we approach Aki's elementary school. It's short, stocky on each end, and only one floor. Just big enough to accomodate all the classrooms needed for their students, small enough to get around easily for people of all shapes and sizes. Given that they house six whole grades here, the latter is almost a necessity.
I just stand there, at the foot of the steps with my daughter, in awe. She doesn't say anything. This is it. This is where I turn her loose on the world, in some sense. I look down at her. She's grabbing at the straps on her backpack, elbows chicken-winged on the sides of the canvas. Her eyes seem to quiver a little bit. I didn't expect her to be completely over her apprehension just yet.
“You ready?” I ask her, breaking the silence.
She sighs deeply. “Yeah, I think so.”
“Alright. Then... I'm ready, too.” Not entirely, but I'll manage. I am strong. Hanako has already let her go earlier today. Why can't I do the same?
I take Aki's hand once more for the day, guiding her up the steps and to the massive wooden door marking the entrance. Our footsteps are slow, not wanting the moment to end. But it must end, and not just by government mandate. It must end because this is her first step to growing up. This is her first mountain to climb.
I'm excited to see what kind of young woman comes out on the other side.
I kneel on the ground once we reach the door, adjusting the straps of her backpack, just to have something to do. “Okay...” I whisper. “You're all set. I'll be back at 1600 sharp to pick you up, got it?”
She nods her head, tears tugging at the corners of her eyes. She leaps forward, throwing her arms around my neck. I wrap my arms around her tiny frame, patting her on the shoulder a few times as I hold back my own tears. We stay like that for a while. I'm not sure how long. A few minutes, perhaps?
I glance at my watch: 07:49. She needs to get to her first class. I push at her shoulders, hoping to pry her away from me. She obliges, if unwillingly. One of my fingers strokes her cheek, brushing a stray droplet from her eyes. “You're a big girl, Aki,” I say, my voice cracking at her name. My lips meet her forehead. “I believe in you.”
She smiles, and I rise up to my feet. “Now, go show 'em what it means to be an Ikezawa.”
“Oh, oh! That reminds me.” Um... reminds her of what, exactly? “When are you and Mommy gonna get married?”
Well. That question came out of the blue. But it's odd... I was just thinking the same thing. “Why do you ask?” I shove my hand into the bag hanging on my shoulder. My fingers fumble around its contents for what really matters: a small box, covered in velvet.
“Just curious, is all.”
I sigh, thinking I have the dots connected. “Did your mother put you up to this?” I'm honestly not even sure how Hanako would've found out. I bought the damn thing yesterday, and it went straight into my bag.
“Mm-mm, I swear! And I never break a pinky promise!” That enthusiasm again. And honesty, too? She's something else.
“Alright, I'll take your word for it,” I resign, motioning her to head inside.
“But you didn't answer the question!” she cries, just as I start turning around to race down the steps. Dammit, I was hoping I could get away first.
I twist around, giving her a thumbs up. “I'll get back to you on that.” The smile on her face is small from so far away, but instantly recognizable. Excitement. Her and me both.
The door closes, and she's on her own. I would still be sad, but she caught me off guard. Good thing, too. I'd hate showing up at Hanako's office with red lines streaking down my cheeks. I check my watch once more: 07:53.
I've got a train to catch.