The sun comes early the next morning. I came back to my room early to catch up on the homework so cruelly slapped on us before the long weekend, but nothing got done. I didn't sleep well, either. Hanako's been on my mind a little too much recently. It's hard trying to figure out how to make the best of such a bleak situation.
Lilly seemed rather lost, too, last night. Understandable. I can't imagine how hard it is hearing your best friend say how much she hates you, even if it's indirectly through a mutual friend. But there *was* Hanako's behavior in the common area yesterday. It was... strange. She screamed at Naomi, trying to push her away.
And even though I didn't make eye contact, I could see how troubled she was. She practically radiated with mixed emotions. It's like she wanted to hate us, but there was still some harbored affection. The girls have always been close, so it only seems fitting that Lilly's return would bring out the Hanako we knew some weeks ago.
Maybe... maybe that's it. Maybe Lilly is the only one who can fix this. It makes sense: she was Hanako's first real friend. She was the first one to show her what it means to look beyond the scars, even if Lilly couldn't do otherwise.
My eyes dart to the clock: 5:30 AM. She's probably not awake yet. Strike that, *definitely* not up.
My head is still racing. What was it my father always said?
/If you can't sleep at night, head too foggy and restless, go for a run. Take a walk. Do something. Get moving. It'll help, trust me./
Worth a shot, I suppose. Maybe the physical exhaustion will at least force me to sleep. I throw on a pair of athletic shorts, a white t-shirt, and my tennis shoes before heading out the door.
It's been so long since I've been to the track that I'm surprised I still know where it is. There's a figure already hustling around the turf when I arrive, the distinct sound of metal on ground emitting from each of her steps. She notices me and comes to a quick stop at the bleachers.
“Hey there, Hisao!” Her bubbly, high-pitched voice definitely amplifies the adorable factor. “Long time, no see!”
“Hey, Emi,” I respond. “What brings you here?”
She giggles. “I'm here every morning! Gotta stay in shape, even with the long summer weekend and track season almost over. Now why are you~ here? Finally decided to take up running with little ol' me?” Her bright green eyes almost glimmer in the morning sun as she puts on her best puppy-dog face.
“Maybe,” I respond. “For right now at least. I need to get my mind off things.”
She smiles. “Nothing like a good run to burn off bad mojo. C'mon, I'll help you get started.”
She walks me through a stretch routine pretty similar to the first time I ran with her over a month ago. “Since you're definitely out of shape by now,” she says, almost chiding, “we'll start you off easy. One mile, four laps, easy jog.”
The run does prove to be at a rather slow pace, and Emi is nice enough to stay at my speed for most of it. “I'll just get my sprints in later. Better to encourage the new guy.” The first lap is cake. My legs start burning not long into the second lap. By the start of the third, they feel like lead.
My heart pounds, but nothing I can't control. The footsteps fall one by one. I'm more focused on the present than I have been in a long time. Not a single thought racing, just pure determination. The adrenaline pumping in my veins is extermely pleasurable. I haven't felt this... alive in a long time.
It's also much easier than my first mile with Emi, if I'm remembering right. Maybe I'm taking out my frustration on the turf, just pounding my troubles into the synthetic material over and over again. That would push me pretty hard, I would think.
Emi is waiting for me at the finish line. “Good work, Hisao,” she applauds. “You put a lot of determination into that one. Very different from your first run. If you don't mind me asking, what changed?”
What can I say to her? I want to keep the issue with Hanako internal, like Lilly asked. “Just pent up... frustration. I needed to... blow off steam.” My breathing is heavy enough to make me pause between words.
“Fuel for the flames. You picked a good way to get rid of it.” She smiles at me. “I always run when I'm worried or scared about stuff.” If this whole ordeal goes on for much longer, I might just have to keep running then.
I'm still panting a bit between words. “That definitely felt... good, to say the least.”
She just laughs. “Like I said, nothing beats a good run!”
“Well, thanks. I... appreciate it.”
“No problem. Now, I'm gonna finish my sprints. You should go see Nurse for a checkup!” Probably not a bad idea, both to get my heart checked and to brag on myself for doing something resembling physical activity.
Before I can respond, Emi's already darted off onto the track again, a determined look on her face and eyes straight ahead. Maybe I should take on some of that attitude. It would definitely help right now.
------------
My visit with Nurse was short-lived. He did a pretty routine analysis of my heartbeat, encouraged me to keep running, and sent me on my way. As I had hoped, the physical exhaustion actually helped me sleep, and I passed out for a few hours once I got back to my room and had a quick shower.
The sun, every teenager's mortal enemy, manages to wake me up again around 11:30. In my sleepy daze, I glance at the phone sitting on my nightstand; the screen is flashing periodically. I flip it open to check the notification and see a missed call from Lilly about an hour ago. Good, she's up.
I dial her number quickly and wait for the response. A click from the other line. “Hello?” the light, airy voice asks.
“Hey, Lilly. It's Hisao. Sorry I wasn't up.”
“It's quite alright. Can you come by my room? I need to talk to you.” I accept and hang up shortly after. Donning myself in my usual casual wear - slacks and a sweater vest - I begin the trip to the girls' dormitories.
There are surprisingly few people on the campus grounds. Most of them must have gone traveling for the long weekend or are staying inside to avoid the heat. Smart of me to wear the sweater vest today.
The walk through the dorm to Lilly's room is uneventful. Not a soul to be seen in the hallways. Strange. Just how many people went home for the weekend? I knock three times on her door, and it opens a few seconds later. “Thank you for coming by, Hisao,” she says as I enter. She's still in her pajamas, and it doesn't look like she's done much to make it seem as if she's been up for long.
“Rough night?” I ask her.
“Unfortunately. You too?” We each take a seat at her stocky little table.
“Yeah. Thinking about this way too much. Actually went for a run early this morning, slept like a baby after that.”
She seems surprised, given how physically inactive I've been since we've known each other. “I hope that our track star didn't work you too hard.”
“How did you-”
“Hisao, Emi is at that track every morning. She's worked very hard to get where she is, and she works even harder to stay there. Most would say she has conquered her disability in every way possible.”
It feels like she's trying to encourage me to do it, too. Conquering my disability is cool and all, but mine isn't easy to get over. I'll probably keep up the running for now, if only because it takes my mind off of Hanako for a little while.
I'm still curious why she brought me here, though. “So, what's up with the invite? Something on your mind?” Stupid question. I already know the answer to that one. I don't expect the answer to the first one, though.
Her lips tighten. She furrows her brow. Her entire body is tensing up.
“I'm going to speak to Hanako today. And I want you to come with me.”
I just kind of sit there, bewildered. “Um... is this the right time?”
“I... I don't know. But I need to do something. I can't just stand idly by and not try to salvage our friendship.” She opens her clouded eyes. It still throws me off guard, to this day. “I'll understand if you don't feel comfortable seeing her right now.”
“No, no, it's not that. I'm just... I don't know. We have to play our cards pretty close to our chest. There's a fine line here. You know that better than anyone.” She doesn't respond. “I'm just... cautious, I guess. I don't want to mess this up anymore than I already have.”
“Of course, Hisao. Do what you feel you need to.”
I feel like I'm just dropping out on Lilly. Like I need to be there to support her as she walks into the fire. “I can... stand outside her door, at the very least. I'll be with you in spirit.” As if that wasn't already cheesy enough. She and I chuckle as if I've made a bad joke. Then she realizes I'm being serious.
“Oh. Um... sure, Hisao. That would... that would help.” Definitely reassuring.
“So...” I droll, trying to break the tension, “when did you want to go over there?”
She stands from the table. “Let me get dressed properly.”
My face turns beet red at the thought. “Uh... yeah. I'll just... show myself out then.”
I wait outside patiently for her to get ready, leaned against the outside wall of Hanako's room. It takes her surprisingly little time. She's in pretty standard casual wear: a pink, shoulderless top and a cream-colored skirt, much like what I've seen her wear in the past. Her chest heaves as she takes a long, deep breath to calm her nerves. Retracted cane in hand, she's almost trembling as she takes the first step across the hallway.
“I'm here, Lilly. Always.”
She smiles. “I know.”
She reaches for the handle, gives it a turn, and opens the door into the crucible.
------------
I'm lying in bed reading a book when the door latch clicks. Who on earth... Naomi maybe? One of the other girls from the newspaper club? I didn't expect any of them to come by today. “W-Who's there?” I ask the intruder, drawing the book cover over my face.
“Hanako?” That voice. Light. Airy. Floating. Her graceful figure practically glides into the room and shuts the door behind her.
“Lilly...” I don't know whether to be grateful that she's so diligent, distraught at her apparent cheeriness, or furious that she's in my room uninvited. My emotions swirl into a brine, spinning about my head, impossible to pick one out to display. I put up the familiar meek facade for now.
“Yes, Hanako. It's me. I'm here.” It... it looks like she's trembling. Is she scared of me, of what I might do? He probably told her how I acted, how I screamed at him about how much I hated them.
Regret: another emotion to add to the torrent in my mind.
“How are you feeling?” she asks.
“Um... I-I'm okay, I g-guess.” She smiles at me and takes a seat on the bed after feeling around for it. She's only been in my bedroom a handful of times, but she knows the layout well enough. There's a tension in the air thick enough to cut with a knife, but her voice is as calm as ever. “Good. Hisao tells me that you joined the newspaper club. I'm glad to see you making new friends.”
“Y-yeah... the girls are r-really nice.” She's just making small-talk? That doesn't help the anger aspect in the whirlpool right now. It only frustrates me. She's here for a reason, why doesn't she just get to the point?
“Good. I would hate for anything bad to happen to you.” Now she's playing the protective role. Should I be appreciative? She obviously cares about me. I always knew that. But the doting... it feels like she doesn't realize what made me so angry in the first place.
Was that anger even directed at her, though? Is she innocent? Is it all *his* fault? Or am I the one to blame? Now, less anger, more disappointment. In Lilly. In him.
In me.
I might as well cut to the chase. “L-lilly, did you... w-want something?” She frowns. Her lower lip quivers, and she bites it to try and hold herself back. If here eyes were open, I imagine they'd be red from trying to fight tears. “Hanako...,” she whispers. Her left hand outstretches to my cheek. The scarred cheek. Tucking the long lock of hair behind my ear, she gingerly strokes that side of my face.
Compassion. Empathy.
“I love you, Hanako,” she finally says. “Hisao loves you. Akira loves you. We all love you. We want you to come back to us. To figure out where we went wrong, so that we can make it right.” Figure it out? I thought that much was clear. Surely even you can see that, Lilly.
“I-I can't. I need... t-to be strong. To be me.” Sadness takes a slight lead now as I reminisce on the past memories. Birthdays. Lunches. Games.
“And you are strong. We won't ask you to leave your new life.” Her hand leaves my face and rests on my collarbone. “We'll embrace it.” And yet you just asked me to come back... to be the Hanako you knew.
But I'm not the Hanako you knew.
Rage.
Just like with him.
“Y-you should go.” My response takes her by surprise. It's half expression, half warning, but she doesn't know that. She jolts back a bit, pulling her hand away. “No, I can't just leave you. You can't expect me to walk out of your life so suddenly.” Who are you to tell me what I can and cannot do? Some misguided mother figure? You don't have all the answers. You don't know what's best for me. Only I do. And I know what's best for you right now, too.
The emotion bubbles inside of me, building higher and higher. The swirl lessens, but focuses; the chaos subsides, but raw power hones to a point.
Fury.
But not enough to physically manifest itself. “L-lilly... please go.” I grip my arm over my midsection, trembling. The doctors always said I was a bit emotionally unstable. They thought it was just panic attacks, social phobia, trying to find comfort in a world that I thought I couldn't trust. I don't think they realized that it was an inner war of feelings, one eventually surging ahead of the others into pure expression.
Lilly bolts across the bed, wrapping me in her embrace. Her arms envelop my shaking frame, and I can feel her own body jittering as mine does. I should be feeling happiness right now. Love. But I don't. Instead, a breaking point.
Enmity.
Critical mass.
I break away from her prison by throwing my arms out from my chest with a wail. She doesn't see what comes next. The sound of flesh on flesh permeates through the room, and her face flops to the side. A reddened cheek tells the tale.
My eyes shoot wide open. Her eyebrows furrow, her teeth grit, and she gives in to her own anger. A Lilly not seen by many, even me. She abruptly stands and rushes out of the room.
It's not until the door slams shut that I realize what I've just done: shoved my best friend out of my life completely. There's no hope now... how could she ever trust me after that? I screwed up. Again.
I fall back onto the pillow, covering my face with the book sitting on the mattress. It does a well-enough job of covering my expression of what little emotion is left inside me.
Remorse.
------------
I'm almost certain I should be worried.
There's a scream coming from the other side of Hanako's door. Yeah, *definitely* worried. Next, a smack. Then, Lilly opens the door and darts out of her trials, a red spot on her cheek and absolutely fuming. “Uh...,” I start, but she turns to face me and I shut up.
“My room. Now.” Yes, ma'am.
We retreat into her dormitory, and she almost immediately starts showing her anger. She throws the retracted cane on the bed, runs her hands through her hair, groaning and seemingly trying to keep this from turning into an absolute breakdown. To see her like this is unreal; she's always been so reserved, so calm.
“I can't believe... that... that girl!” Her words drip with venom. “After everything I've done for her, looking after her and trying to make her feel normal, she repays me how? With a literal smack to the face!”
I grip her shoulders. “Lilly, you need to calm down.”
“Calm down? How can I calm down? The girl I thought was my best friend just showed me an absolutely undying gratitude to my *face*!” Sarcasm really doesn't suit her. Especially angry sarcasm. She walks over to her nightstand and feels around its surface. She finds the cell phone sitting there and whips it open, dialing furiously.
“Who are you calling?”
“Akira,” she snaps, bring the phone to her ear. So much for keeping it internal.
She stands there in silence until the line connects. “Akira, it's Lilly. Can you come by for a little while? ... I'd rather discuss it when you get here. ... No, I don't know for how long. ... They won't let you go? Tell them it's a family emergency, then. This is urgent. ... Then I will see you soon.” She snaps it shut.
Rhetorical question time. “I take it we're having company soon?”
She lets out a long sigh. “Akira will be here shortly. I need her support. And I want to know what she thinks. I can't do this alone, Hisao.” Her eyes gaze blindly in my direction, almost glimmering with moisture. “I'm not strong enough.”
“No one said you were in this alone.”
She giggles. It's a start. “Says the boy too scared to even go in her room.” Ouch, right in the pride.
“Would I have made any difference, though?”
Her giddiness is short-lived, and she goes back to a somewhat neutral expression. “No, I suppose not.”
Perhaps I can get her to relax a bit. “Hey, why don't we make a pot of tea while we wait? It might help calm you down.” A slight nod is her only response.
Our preparation is mostly quiet. I could try to make smalltalk, but I've always been terrible at it. And she definitely doesn't need to think about Hanako right now. Though maybe this silence just makes that more likely. She's preoccuping herself with the smells of tea, at least. I decide that's sufficient and keep my mouth shut.
I'm just setting the table with cups and saucers when her phone rings. I snatch it up and hand it to her, which she thanks me for. “Hello? ... Yes, I'll be right down.” Click.
“Hisao.” She's curt. Definite. Down to business. “Come downstairs with me. Akira is here.”
--------------
“So, lemme get this straight,” Akira says after hearing us explain the situation. We've all taken seats at Lilly's tea table. Akira takes a swig of a coffee can before continuing. “Mister master of romance over here managed to piss off Hanako to the point of screaming at him, and then she goes off and slaps my sister trying to reconcile her?”
“Um... yeah,” I respond. 'Master of romance?' Really, Akira? “That's pretty much it.”
“Yeah, I don't buy it.”
Lilly seems taken aback. “Akira, what's not to understand?”
“Lills, you can't tell me that this is your fault. That you're in any way responsible.” Another sip of coffee. “A year's worth of pent-up frustration doesn't go by unnoticed. None of us even suspected it. You'd think someone would've read between the lines a bit, whether you, me, Hisao... hell, even Hideaki.”
I glare at her. I don't like where this is going. “What are you getting at?”
She reaches for a coffee cake and takes a bite. Wait for it. “Look, all I'm thaying ith tha-”
“Akira!” There it is. “Manners!” Akira shuts up and finishes her bite of cake before continuing.
“Hisao, you came into this rather late. The girl has barely known you for a month. You're her friend, that much is obvious. But, to be blunt, if anyone here is to blame, it's you.”
“Me? What on earth did I do wrong?” She just scowls at me, crossing her arms. “Okay, okay, I barged into her room when she probably wanted to be left alone. What does that have to do with this all being my fault?”
“You just answered your own question. And it means that you're the only one who can fix this mess. I'm not convinced that she ever hated Lilly. She might have said that, but people say a lot of stupid things when they're angry. And I think if she were being sincere, she'd be begging for forgiveness for what happened today.” She seems concerned for everyone's well-being. Her tone doesn't imply anger, she's just giving her opinion directly. I expect nothing less from her.
“This is *your* battle, kid. Not mine.” She points to her sister. “Not hers.” And then she points to me. “*You* have to fight it.”
I just look at the other girl in the room. She's stayed rather detached from this conversation. I stand up from the table. “Excuse me. I... need some time to think.”
Lilly perks up this time. “Of course, Hisao.”
I take my leave of their company, shutting the door quietly. The walk back to my dorm is much longer than the one here, if only because of what's going through my head. My battle... I suppose, in a way, this is my fault. If I hadn't gone to see her, where would we be now? One big happy family, just like we should be.
The sun is barely setting. Twilight. The sunlight disperses across the horizon, half-lighting the earth. Natural light fades and gives way to the darkness. How fitting.
Despite how relatively early it is, I'm exhausted. Maybe I could go out somewhere, hopefully calm myself down. My state of mind doesn't really condone sleep, as if last night wasn't bad enough. I decide to head back to my room for the night, anyway. I really don't feel like doing much of anything. Thoughts of her try to creep into my head and I push them away as best I can.
But one thought is welcome. There was another thing my father used to tell me. His words are strangely fitting, for both the time of day and my emotional state.
/Sometimes, son, it's darkest just before dawn./
I hope they're relevant to Hanako, too.