Rule 1. Buy a daily travel card or oyster card for when you’re in London. The london transit network aka the tube/buses/trains work on a zone basis like the shape of an onion zone 1 is in the centre and it radiates out to zone 9 now. Heathrow is in Zone 6.

Rule 2. You will mainly only be travelling in Zones 1-2 so when you leave you can get a refund on the oyster card if you do an initial load of around £20 you should be fine. You can add more if needed at many shops and train stations.

Rules of public transport. Tube/Undeground/Metro you touch in and touch out with the oyster card/contactless card. Buses you only touch in you don’t need to touch out. Stand on the right on the escalators. The left is for people walking.

Rule 3 or maybe Rule 0. Citymapper. Get it. put it on your phone. Love it. This is the ultimate app for getting around London.

Food.

Indian

Chennai Dosa - Well known South Indian restaurant. Good food for cheap price. At multiple locations around London.
Guglee - Awesome curry place rReasonably priced. Menu's on the website to get a better idea.
Indian Zing - Hammersmith, Fantastic and varied food, none of the 'english' curries fairly expensive though.
Aladin - Brick Lane, If you want to experience Brick Lane then I'd recommend Aladin. It has been visited by Prince Charles, featured on a BBC list of 'The World’s Best Curry Houses' and was the winner of the Best European Restaurant Awards 2010. It's friendly, cosy and reasonably priced. They did once cancel my reservation once (with an hour or two's notice) in favour of a 'bigger party' :-(.
Shimla Mirch - Hammersmith, A curry house with a mix of the 'British Curries' and more traditional curries. I've been a couple of times and had fantastic meals. It's on the taste card and well priced - using the taste card a decent meal for 2 comes to about £25 inc service charge.
Salaam Namaste - Camden, Very central, very good "proper" Indian, i.e. the kind of food you'd get in a five star in Delhi or Bombay. Which makes sense, cause the chef is from one of the largest 5-star hotel chains in India.
Ragam - Fitzrovia, brilliant south indian food, in a hole in the wall, it's got very popular though - book ahead.
Quilon - Westminster, this is Michelin starred south Indian food. 'Nuff said.
Darjeeling Express - Soho. Hidden away on the top floor of the otherwise pretty touristy Kingly Court off Carnaby Street. Originally a supper club, it's now an Indian restaurant run by an all-female team of chefs with no formal training. Great Indian home cooking.

Japanese

Hare and Tortoise - 5 locations throughout London. Semi-chain restaurant. Usually under £20 per person with drinks. Fantastic sushi, soups and rice/noodle dishes. Tasty as hell.
Zuma - Knightsbridge. Expensive, but worth it. Great sushi/sashimi, and then some truly excellent fish and meat courses. Best part of £75-80 per head if you're not careful.
Roka - 1 near Goodge St, the other at Canary Wharf. Similar to Zuma, but a bit cheaper, and not quite as good. Still great food though.
Sushi Waka - Camden Town. The staff are so lovely, the food is great and it's a really cute little restaurant. Also if you ask to sit upstairs you will be seated on the floor in traditional style. About £10-20/person.
French

Le Mercury - Angel. A great little French restaurant in Angel/ Highbury on Upper Street. Classic French dishes, eg roast duck, roast lamb and steaks. Mains for £10 its great value for the standard of food. Loads of little candle lit tables crammed into 2 floors.

British

Masters Super Fish - Waterloo. Honest, unpretentious fish and chips.

St John - Clerkenwell. next to Smithfields market. Best. Meat. Ever. Recommendation: have the marrow bone starter.

Anchor & Hope - Waterloo. Great Gastro pub.

Chinese

Jade Garden - Chinatown (reasonably priced)

Lido - Chinatown (reasonably priced)

Four Seasons - Chinatown BEST. DUCK. EVAR.

Spanish

Barrafina - Fantastic tapas bar on Greek Street, Soho. Fresh ingredients, skilled chefs, the lot really. Be prepared to pay up to £50 per head, and queue for up to an hour at busy times. No reservations. Mexican
Visit/See

The Houses of Parliament

Nearest Tube: Westminster (Circle, District, Jubilee)

One of the top attractions on any tourist checklist, it is home to the famous bell Big Ben and has nearly 1,000 years of history. Please note that from 2017 until around 2020 there is repair work taking place to the clock tower and there is likely to be scaffolding/hoarding obscuring most or part of it.
You can buy tickets for an audio or guided tour of the premises. Tours run on most Saturdays and on certain weekdays throughout the year. You can also watch debates and committee hearings.

https://www.parliament.uk/visiting/visiting-and-tours/tours-of-parliament/guided-tours-of-parliament/

https://www.parliament.uk/visiting/visiting-and-tours/watch-committees-and-debates/debates/

Westminster Abbey

Nearest Tube: Westminster (Circle, District, Jubilee). Also nearby: St James's Park (Circle, District)

Ticket prices as of Feb 2017: Adult: £20, 60+ and students: £17, Child 6-16: £9, Under 6's: free

Founded in 960AD, Westminster Abbey is a functioning place of worship which has been the coronation church since 1066 and is the final resting place of seventeen monarchs.

It has been the location of many important events in British history and most recently hosted the marriage of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

http://www.westminster-abbey.org/home

Trafalgar Square

Nearest Tube: Charing Cross (Bakerloo, Northern), Also nearby: Embankment (Bakerloo, Circle, District, Northern)

Trafalgar Square is a large, distinctive square which is very centrally located and easy to find.
At the centre of the square is the famous Nelson's Column, erected to commemorate Admiral Horatio Nelson who was killed at the battle of Trafalgar in 1805. The column is surrounded by the equally well-known lion statues and fountains, home to much merriment on New Year’s Eve. Climbing up onto the lions is popular, but make sure you don't fall off!

The square is home to the The National Gallery, which dominates its Northern end. Continuing North leads to Leicester Square and China Town. To the south, Whitehall leads to Westminster. Opposite the East Wing of the national gallery is the picturesque, and quaintly named, St Martins in the Field, with Charing Cross and the Embankment close behind. Heading West will take you into Theatre land and eventually to Hyde Park.

Trafalgar Square is a natural gathering space for people either celebrating or protesting. Marches, sporting events or major celebrations usually lead to it becoming very busy.

If you need the toilet while you're here (hey, everyone's gotta go sometime) then locals will recommend that you use the toilets in the National Gallery rather than the toilets on the square itself. The toilets in the National Gallery are cleaner and quieter. Be sure to leave some money in the donation box when you leave though, because that's just polite!

The Tower of London

Nearest Tube: Tower Hill (Circle, District), Tower Gateway (DLR)

Tickets cost £17 (for adults if you buy online in advance)

An (in)famous prison for high profile people for many years but now a very popular tourist spot. It is also home to the Crown Jewels if you're into that sort of thing.

The Yeoman Warders (Beefeaters) aren't just twats in costume, so don't take the piss. If you do take the piss they will probably take the piss right back at you. They're pretty hard and do good tours, so keep it respectful, yeah?

http://www.hrp.org.uk/toweroflondon/

Tower Bridge

Nearest Tube: Tower Hill (Circle, District), Tower Gateway (DLR)

Completed in 1894, it is one of the most famous bridges in the world and the focus of much tourist tat. It is often confused with London Bridge

(notably by US singer Fergie in her video for "London Bridge"), which is the next bridge upstream.
Tower Bridge is a fully functioning bascule bridge and lifts regularly to allow larger boats and ships to pass through. To see when to the bridge is due to lift check here

http://www.towerbridge.org.uk/lift-times/

There is also the Tower Bridge Exhibition which allows you to go inside the bridge and view the inner workings.

This costs £9 for an adult but is cheaper if you book in advance. The exhibition now includes a glass-bottomed walkway at the top of the bridge - not recommended for people with vertigo, but otherwise quite fun and makes for good photos.

http://www.towerbridge.org.uk//

https://towerbridge.recreatex.be/Products/Overview

Royal stuff

Buckingham Palace

Nearest Tube: Green Park (Jubilee, Picadilly, Victoria) or St James's Park (Circle, District) or Victoria (Circle, District, Victoria) or Hyde Park Corner (Piccadilly)

Every Londoner has seen this once, thought to themselves "Ah, OK. So that's where it is!" and then got on with their lives. But tourists do love it so. It's not a terribly attractive building, but it does have the guards in the big fuzzy hats, so it's probably worth a small diversion for a photo if you like that sort of thing. The Changing Of The Guards ceremony takes place at 11.30am every day from April through July, then the rest of the year it happens every other day. At certain times of the year you can visit the State Rooms.

Changing of the guard schedule http://www.householddivision.org.uk/changing-the-guard-calendar

http://www.royalcollection.org.uk/visit/the-state-rooms-buckingham-palace

Hampton Court Palace

Nearest station: Hampton Court

As a paid attraction this is probably better value for money as you can explore the Palace and associated parks and gardens almost fully. It is also more architecturally notable: Part Tudor, part Wren.

It's located on the very edge of London, but easily accessible by train from Waterloo. Alternatively you can take a leisurely river cruise from Richmond or Kingston.

http://www.hrp.org.uk/HamptonCourtPalace/

Windsor Castle

Not in London, but very close and easy to reach. So while we're listing royal things that are arguably better than Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle is (1) somewhere Queenie actually likes and (2) a castle (which is clearly cooler than a Palace). I really like it more than any other “palace” to visit.

https://www.royalcollection.org.uk/visit/windsorcastle

Museums

British Museum

Nearest Tube: Russell Square (Piccadilly), Holborn (Central, Piccadilly), Tottenham Court Road (Central, Northern), Goodge Street (Northern)

Founded in 1753, the BM houses an eclectic collection of treasures from around the world including but not limited to: The Elgin Marbles; The Rosetta Stone; an Easter Island statue; and cat mummies. It's free for the majority of the exhibits with seasonal paid exhibitions.

http://www.britishmuseum.org/

Kensington "Museum Quarter"

Nearest Tube: South Kensington (Circle, District, Piccadilly)

With the Natural History Museum, Science Museum and V&A (art and design) all located near South Kensington station, and free, you can dip into all three - but if you're seriously interested in the topics at hand, each one could fill a day or more.

http://www.nhm.ac.uk/

http://www.sciencemuseum.org.uk/

http://www.vam.ac.uk/

Museum of London

Nearest Tube: Barbican (Circle, Hammersmith & City, Metropolitan) or St. Paul's (Central) or Moorgate (Circle, Hammersmith & City, Metropolitan, Northern)

If you want to really understand the history of our city then this is the place for you. Permanent exhibitions include Roman London, Medieval London, and The Great Fire. The museum is free, and they also run a variety of excellent walking tours for about £10.

http://www.museumoflondon.org.uk/

http://www.museumoflondon.org.uk/london-wall/whats-on/adult-events/walks-programme/

Art galleries

National Gallery

Nearest Tube: Charing Cross (Bakerloo, Northern), Also nearby: Embankment (Bakerloo, Circle, District, Northern)

Dominating Trafalgar Square, this gallery houses works dating from between the 13th to the 19th centuries. Superb examples of pretty much every great Master you can think of, and many you've never heard of. Regular exhibitions exploring particular artists in depth. Free entry.

http://www.nationalgallery.org.uk/

National Portrait Gallery

Nearest Tube: Charing Cross (Bakerloo, Northern), Also nearby: Embankment (Bakerloo, Circle, District, Northern) or Leicester Square (Northern, Piccadilly)

Just off Trafalgar Square, the NPG celebrates the art of portraiture, housing thousands of portraits of notable Britons. The collection includes the Chandos painting, the most famous portrait of Shakespeare. Free entry.

http://www.npg.org.uk/

Tate Britain and Tate Modern

Tate Britain on Millbank (Nearest Tube: Pimlico (Victoria)) is a gallery of works by British artists up to the present day. It also hosts the Turner Prize exhibition. Tate Modern meanwhile is further along the Thames in Bankside (Nearest Tube: Southwark (Jubilee)) and hosts small and large huge scale modern artworks. The building is an impressive old power station and there are particularly good views of London from the roof terrace. Both galleries are free (with a charge for the special exhibitions), and there is a pricey but fun boat service that runs between the two Tates every 40 minutes.

http://www.tate.org.uk/visit/tate-britain

http://www.tate.org.uk/visit/tate-modern

Hayward Gallery

Nearest Tube: Waterloo (Bakerloo, Jubilee, Northern, Waterloo & City)

Part of the Southbank Centre, this Brutalist building has no permanent collection but houses four or so touring exhibitions per year focusing on modern or contemporary art around specific themes.

http://www.southbankcentre.co.uk/venues/hayward-gallery

DO NOT EVER GO TO

Angus or Aberdeen steak house.

Masala Zone BAD

ANY RESTAURANT IN BRICK LANE OTHER THAN THE ONE I RECOMMENDED THEY’RE RIP OFFS

Madame Tussaud's

If you have this on your inventory, please don’t just don’t. It's extremely expensive and the queues are hideously long. Somehow it is regularly listed as one of our top attractions. It shouldn’t be.

Ripley's Believe It or Not! London

As above this is an expensive waste of time. You can do so much better staring at the pavement.

SEA LIFE London Aquarium

Nearest Tube: Waterloo (Bakerloo, Northern)

Situated within the County Hall building next to the London Eye, this is a cramped, overpriced, and wholly uncomfortable experience which pales in comparison to many other large aquariums. London Zoo's aquarium is better. Just don’t.

Good London websites.

https://www.hot-dinners.com/

https://londonist.com/category/food-and-drink/food

https://tfl.gov.uk/travel-information/visiting-london/experience-london/itineraries

The TFL guide for itineraries is nice. The route 15 bus is fantastic too.

Go to Aldwych or the Strand and wait for a very old looking '''number 15 bus'''. This is an original routemaster and if you have a travelcard it's free, if you have an oyster it's just a normal bus. It'll take you to tower hill (where the Tower of London is) and past St. Pauls and heaps of places on the way. The bus conductor will be happy to talk to you, give you some ideas and take photos of you if you want.