Fall Out

An Arizona man was arrested Thursday and charged with four counts of animal cruelty, as well as unlawful possession of exotic wildlife.

 

Police were summoned to the Flagstaff home of retired University of Phoenix professor Tomas Ritter, 47, following multiple complaints from neighbors regarding excessive noise.

 

“It was this constant rolling sound,” explained Evie-May Pugh, 39. “It wasn’t ridiculously loud, but it practically never ended… we would get maybe an hour of quiet each night. We’re the house to his immediate left, so the lack of sleep was making our lives very difficult. We assumed that it was a broken appliance, but it never stopped, and no one answered when we tried knocking… together with the terrible smell coming from the front door, we felt that we had to request a wellness check.”

 

Police arrived to Ritter’s home just prior to midnight on Wednesday evening, entering after a failure from the homeowner to respond. He was quickly found unconscious and heavily intoxicated on a couch near the entrance, and in the time it took for the ambulance to arrive, officers investigated the source of the stench and sustained noise.

 

Near the back of the house, officials reported the walls to several rooms having been broken down and replaced with various sets of interconnected wooden scaffolding. In addition, four living pygmy marmosets were found housed within transparent orb-like contraptions, all suffering from severe malnutrition and related size deficiencies. Pygmy marmosets are the smallest known monkey species, and one of the smallest known varieties of primates, with a normal adult male weighing less than four ounces. They are not illegal to care for in Arizona, although prospective owners are required to obtain a permit.

 

Further investigation into the feces-covered scaffolding along with documentation discovered at the scene revealed that Ritter had likely attempted to engage in unapproved animal experimentation, as Police Chief Yuji Nagoshi explained.

 

“While inside the orbs, we found that the monkeys were not able to maneuver themselves around, which initially created some confusion as to exactly what he was having them do. We eventually found a central section of scaffolding that connected to all the others via string… we believe that one of the monkeys could have been stationed at this central station and trained to tilt the various other sections around as desired, effectively controlling where all the other monkeys would end up rolling. Ritter might have viewed them as different stages for the monkeys to try and make their away across, not unlike a golf course.”

 

Although he admitted that the current hypothesis was speculative, Nagoshi felt comfortable in his total condemnation of Ritter’s actions.

 

“The learning curve was ridiculous. Some of them were very unfair… there’s this one stage where they would have had to dodge this giant wooden spider monster that keeps walking across a set of spinning rings. It’s total bullshit. We’ve all tried, none of us can do it. There’s a new guy who said that it’s possible if you wait like fifteen seconds and try dashing in from one of the corners, but it never works.”

 

Although Ritter has refused to speak with reporters, his RateMyProfessor page was active as recently as three years ago, and reviews from former students may help with gaining insight into potential motivations.

 

“He would come in on most days and start muttering about circles, but he didn’t take attendance, so I guess it worked out. The final was an in-class essay asking us to explain why we hated Euclidean geometry, which was an interesting choice for a class on evolutionary genomics. Instead of writing anything, I drew a picture of myself hugging a gyroscope, and as far as I know I’m the only person who received a passing grade. ”

 

Two of the four surviving marmosets were taken to an animal hospital and are currently reported to be in stable condition. Under the supervision of a veterinarian and the several detectives, following a detailed cleaning of all associated equipment, the other two will be made to continue the experiments for as long as it takes for officials to come to a complete understanding of what Ritter was attempting to prove.

 

Nagoshi shrugged. “It’s pretty addictive.”