I have a girlfriend for four years but I've recently fell in love with my best friend.
A few years back me and her had a fight over something she said about my girlfriend. I said some mean things and we haven't talked for a few months. At the time I did not had any emotions for her. In fact I thought she was quite an idiot, partially because of what she said about me girlfriend. I could understand from her text messages she sent me recently after our fight, that she wasn't mad at me at all.
At some point, since me and my girlfriend were in a stage that we were hardly having sex anymore, and me being the type that just need it, I came back in touch with my friend, with the sole purpose of getting into her pants. A few months after we were seeing each other again in the walks to the park with the dogs, I told her me and my girlfriend have decided to be in an open relationship. It was of course, a lie. Over the time she kept mentioning she was having a dry period and no sex for nearly 4 months. So one day, on our joint walk with the dogs, she was complaining again about her long lost sex life. I gathered the courage and said “I can help, open relationship and all”. She replied with a confused face and I kept going, working hard to hide the fact that I’m almost shaking from fear, I said “I’m offering”. It took some convincing as we were heading back, and by the time we got to her home she was convinced.
“I hope you won’t remember it tomorrow”. That’s what she said a few meters of her front door.
I could not believe this is happening. I’m finally going to have sex with someone other than my girlfriend, and she was pretty damn hot too. We were standing for a few moments outside of her house, and then she said she was going in to sleep and she was sorry for misleading me. I tried to persist further, but eventually all I got was: “I’ll think about it, okay?”.
Time went on and being so close to something that was suddenly not only a fantasy, I kept trying mildly and carefully to see if I can catch another opportunity. But it was too late. Actually, already a day later she had someone and the dry period was over for her. Being as close as we were, she talked about the sex with him and said it was amazing. After a while she broke up with him because she didn't like the way he treated her. It was after about a month he played with her. I know her, so I’m pretty sure she didn't mind that much. The problem for me was that there was no window. She broke up with him to start “dating” another guy she met during high school time. Then she said he treats her like crap and she want’s to break up with him too. I think, not sure though, that that was the time I started to really care about her. I saw she was self damaging and it bothered me. There was something selfish about it too, because every time she was with a guy it meant a harder time for me to get another chance. So every time she told me about the sex she was having, I felt a small pinch at my chest, though it was small enough to deny it from my self.
She then started seeing another guy, at parallel. I could not deny the pinch I felt when I heard about that, but I tried to justify it by saying it was just because I want a chance at her, and this takes my odds further back.
This brings the story to a day ago, from the time of the writing of this confession.
Realizing there wasn't going to be any more real chances for me, and this is going to go back to being just a fantasy and I might as well get a lottery ticket, I tried to wake the sexual relationship with my girlfriend. I told her I want to do something romantic. We decided that when it wasn't so hot outside, we will get in the tub together. Her idea. In the meanwhile, I opened a bottle of wine.
She drank one glass and I drank two. Thinking back, this was the point of no return from what was about the happen. After the wine, I looked at my girlfriend and said “Alright, what about the tub now?”. She said she was tired and want to go to sleep. I did not hide my frustration well at all. And I took the dogs out for a walk to relax.
Being as drunk and stupid as I was at the moment, I texted my friend, and by this time, I was sure I had feelings for her. We met at the park, and I told her I want to break up with my girlfriend, and part of it because I’m in love with someone else. We talked for an hour and she cheered me up. I walked her home and then turned back to mine.
Halfway home I turned around, and my thoughts as I was walking determinedly back to her home were as followed: “You stupid idiot! What are you doing? You are going to destroy the little chance you have left to do her! And the chances she feels the same for you are slim. You are only going to hurt yourself.”
It didn't matter though. I didn't even slow down.
I knocked and no answer. “Good time to turn back” I told my self. But instead I knocked again. This time I heard her say she was coming. It took about a minute, and it was a really long minute, until she answered the door, wearing a towel. What I was saying to her then, was not a lie. It was some hard truth.
“It’s you. Please tell me I don’t have a chance anyway so I could go away and get over you.”
“It doesn't work that way for me, I just don’t feel that way before a relationship.”
“Please just say I don’t have a chance.”
“Fine, you don’t have a chance”
As I walked away she said something like “It’s really not that final for me”.
That turned me around and eventually she put some clothes on and I went in. We talked about some stuff and we were laughing and nothing felt awkward at all. We also talked about running away to Europe for the weekend without telling anyone.
The following day, today, we drove together to work. I did not mention it before but a few weeks back she got me a part time job at the company she works at. The drive was not awkward, and we laughed like nothing changed. But this day turned out to be a nightmare. I tried to work harder to hide what I feel, but to no avail. She wasn’t feeling the same as I felt for her, even though I really thought she might, and it was just an overwhelming thought that refused to leave my head. At the end of the day she was actually looking at flight prices for us for the weekend at Europe. Confused? Well me too.
I took a run that day, It helped me feel better. But a few text messages and knowing that she was now with her ex-boyfriend brought me back to where I am now, typing this confession at the middle of the night. Can’t sleep.
Luckily, or maybe just hopefully, I’m not done confessing. I knew the run would help me feel better, I also knew it would help me think better. I don’t really have a real chance at love with her, now that I know she does not feel the same, but I came up with a master plan. And whatever happens, I’m not going to stop or look the other way, until I either fail, or succeed.