a guest Feb 21st, 2019 75 Never
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  1. Abella Danger - 1
  3.     The video begins with an unnamed woman shaking her loins in front of the camera. It is an abrupt and somewhat unexpected, but still welcome, introduction to the video. She is in a very scantily clad bathing suit, and continues to shake her hind quarters in front of the camera while conversing with another man for several minutes. Occasionally, she will spice things up by grasping her cheeks, but ultimately, the repeated movements become monotonous as there are no further developments until 4:18
  4.     At 4:18, the video transitions to this chick -- who has since been identified as Abella Danger -- entering a pool from what appears to be a below ground installment. She immediately leaves the pool, and continues shaking her butt. I’ll use this time, because she shakes her butt for an obscene amount of time, to mention that she’s actually done almost 700 scenes at the point that she’s filming this. She’s essentially a veteran at this point.
  5.     At 6:35, we get the first glimpse of her female bits as she pulls her bathing suit aside and begins to shake them in front of an underwater camera. Almost immediately after, it cuts to her having become completely naked. She spends some more time just moving in front of the camera. Honestly if I paid money for this I would be extremely disappointed. She’s spent almost a fourth of the video gyrating her hips in front of the camera, and there is absolutely no developments in the pornographic quality by 8 minutes in.
  6.     Finally, at 8 minutes in, Abella breaks out the oil. She then proceeds to do the same thing she’s been doing for the past 8 minutes, except now her lower back and gluteus is lubricated and shiny. I don’t know what demographic this video is trying to appeal to, because at this point, we’re approaching a statistically insignificant number of individuals who have yet to finish up -- if you catch my drift. If you watch porn, you’re not trying to see a girl just wave to and fro in front of an ocular apparatus. You want to see some FUCKING. With a capital FUCK.
  7.     At 8:49, she makes a pun about her ass being “DangerASS”. Now, as a critic, I’m not to suppose to state my own opinion, but this has completely ruined my immersion in this video. It makes no fucking sense. If you’re ass is dangerous, I’m not tryna stick my dick in that. Absolutely ruined the already lackluster experience up to this point.
  8.     At 9:19, we catch a glimpse of the first male starring in this video. And let me tell you, this man is swole AF. Man’s calves are bigger than Abella Dangers neck, and he’s honestly been the highlight of this video. Speaking of Mrs. Danger, at this point, she is on her knees and elbows on a chair and I’m honestly not even sure what she’s doing anymore, like it looks like she’s having a seizure.
  9.     9:50, now the man is applying oil to Abella and she’s lowkey falling off the chair. Much higher quality and this man’s forearms are incredible.
  10.     11:00, now we’re talking. It cuts to a shot of the two of them making out, and we get to Abella finally giving some head. Unfortunately, in the way that she’s ruined the rest of the video, Abella only spends about a third of the time with the dick in her mouth. The rest of the time is used swinging about like she’s on a damn see saw. I applaud this man for allowing her to borderline mutilate his package in such a fashion.
  11.     13:31, Abella transitions from head to giving a hand job, and frankly, I can tell that this guys gonna be sore in the morning. She’s tugging on his dick like its a broken transmission. She then goes back to doing whatever the hell she’s been doing for… I think half of the full video at this point?
  12.     14:08 -- Oh yes. Mr. Big Dick Man has had enough of Abella’s shit, and goes to switch positions on her. Let me tell you, this man is wasting no time whatsoever. He gets down there, and he just inhales her vagina like it’s a sunday brunch. No self-absorbed movements, no games, just unadulterated pussy inhalation. Like a deflating balloon, except it’s her vagina into his mouth. This goes on, but no one is complaining. He even eats ass for a little bit. What a champion.
  13.     16:27. Now their fucking. It’s literally the halfway point too. Points have been docked for this transgression. Wasting this much time is unforgivable -- almost everyone has finished their business at this point.
  14.     As for their technique, well, it’s clear that our boy is a master at this. He adopts the classic Taurus position, holding Abella against the side of the pool and just going to town on her. There are some shots of the underwater sections where he is, and it’s clear that he knows what he’s doing. The full length, in and out, each time.
  15.     17:30, now they’re back to the blowjob. Abella sucks at this and it’s almost painful to watch. Like seriously, if you ever find yourself in a position where Abella Danger offers you head, take it because she’s hot as shit and you’ll never have another chance -- but remember that she’s not that good at it.
  16.     This goes on until 20:09, where Abella adopts the Reverse Cow Girl position. Now, I’ve been harsh on Abella -- but that’s because I expect the best from her. And right here, this is where she shines. With the skill only known by veterans such as herself, she rides him like a whole motorbike. She’s just absolutely saucing the shit out of him. They should’ve led with this.
  17.     22:24, and they’re back to the blowjob now. I’ve already stated my grievances, and in no way whatsoever are they improved upon.
  18.     23:06, back to cow girl. This is where Abella shines.
  19.     There’s a brief interlude of more fellatio, and then the man picks her up, places her on the couch, and begins consuming her ass. He’s god tier at this. No one has ever eaten ass like this man has.
  20.     24:30, now they’re going doggy style. This guy so obviously outclasses Abella, it is even funny. If this was a battle between the two of them, this man would’ve won the moment they exchanged blows.
  21.     26:45, he proceeds with cunnilingus. I am in awe of this god among men. He just eats, and eats, and eats. This is clearly the highlight of the video.
  22.     28:15, now they’re in missionary. Nothing to comment on, it isn’t too good, nor is it too bad.
  23.     30:31, he begins to accelerate like a truck on the highway. The moneyshot is coming soon, I can sense it.
  24.     31:06 Abella just… shoves her hand in her mouth for no reason? What the fuck?
  25.     31:38. The man most impressively hoists Abella up and transitions into a full nelson. He is really stealing the show -- you can see at this point that his forearm is almost the size of Abella Danger’s thighs. Abella is barely keeping up.
  26.     32:10 Abella is now back to cow girl. Money shot is imminent. Around 33:30 the dude takes control but they remain in the same position.
  27.     35:26 After an intense period of aggressive sex, Abella kneels down in front of the man and he splurges all over her face. I am most unimpressed. All that time, and he produces about two spurts. By eye, I’d put the shot at 2ml tops. Unnacceptable. Man needs to start taking Zinc supplements.
  28.     36:00 With a tiddlewink of jizz on her face, Abella smiles and the video ends.
  30.     Over all, 6/10. Could’ve been bad, but our hero (the unnamed man) saved it from being horrible. His name is Derrick Ferrari, and I’d give his individual performance a 9.5/10. Couldn’t keep my eyes off him.
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