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 PLEASE NOTE:
 Jon Kirkham is Kane - he has engaged MAXIMUM AUTISM and is an utter fuckwit
 I am David T. Ellis
 My comments are shown in highlighted lines such as these
 I've also added highlighted dividers so you can see where each email begins and ends


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>Dear Sirs,
>I was directed to your website via a Google search for personal gaming PC
>construction in the Greater Manchester area. I myself do have experience in
>this field, but I do not have the time to devote to building a PC for my son
>as I lead an extremely busy life as a fully qualified IT consultant. I wish
>therefore to express my interest in employing your respective services in
>performing the menial task of building a PC for me. Furthermore, I would be
>grateful if you were to advise me on which components to utilize in my son's
>new computer, as I noticed that on your website you mentioned that you were
>able to provide advice on this matter. Having said this, it would appear
>that your staff have foolishly forgotten to fill in the (non-dynamic) table
>on the rigs you offer. I can only assume this is down to incompetence or
>laziness. However, I am sure this was a simple mistake and can be readily
>corrected in due cause. As a side note, it has not been made clear on your
>website to whom I should address this email. If you are able to provide a
>name of whichever employee this should be addressed to, I would be grateful.
>It would certainly give me peace of mind to know I was writing to a genuine
>company and was not about to be scammed! Please write back to me as soon as
>possible.
>Yours sincerely,
>
>--
>David T. Ellis, MCP
>
>*Microsoft Certified Professional and life coach*

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Ellis,

We apologise for the long reply time to this email, we have been suffering with issues with our web and email service provider due to our new setup which have only just rescently been fixed.

A new and updated website will be uploaded to our ftp within the next 72 hours, and our prebuilt product line will also become available on Ebay UK once this update has taken place.

We would be more than willing to provide free and impartial advise for a gaming build for your new machine if you should wish it or require it with no obligations to buy from us.

If you have any additional enquiries please direct them to myself.

Once again we apologise for any inconvenience that may of been caused by the issues we have been having.

Yous sincerely,

Jonathan Kirkham
Company Director/Computer Engineer
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Kirkham,
I will forgive the lateness of your reply. However, I logged onto your website last night and was surprised to find that one of your employees had stupidly deleted the homepage. I do not have your telephone number or address and was thus unable to contact you about this, though I am sure it is just the mistake of one of your foolish subordinates responsible for maintaining the site. If you can provide your business address, phone number and company details, that would be most satisfactory.
Kind Regards,
_

David Ellis
Be the best you can be - tailored life coaching
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Dear Mr Ellis,

I have ordered the site brought down and reconstructed, the new replacement site was actually worse than the previous one and was not something I wanted as a face of the company online. I am personally creating a new website although it is taking time, it will feature twitter and facebook feeds from our (soon to be created) facebook and twitter accounts, bookmark links to gaming communities and other recommended gaming sites and more.

I shall however place a reconstruction notice on our homepage, to prevent the confusion you have experienced due to my lack of foresight when the site was brought down, which I apologise for.

Our contact details are currently:
17 Fairview Road
Burnley
Lancashire
BB11 3EP

You can contact me via mobile at 07854286299.

Our business address will eventually be changing for we are planning to move to the Lancashire Digital Technology Centre in Burnley, when this occurs our website will be fully updated to reflect this information.

Yours Sincerely,

Jonathan Kirkham
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Kirkham,
Thank-you for your fast response. I intent to get in contact with you in the coming days, however, I have a few questions to ask about your company, for my own peace of mind more than anything else. Firstly, how large is Surreal Gaming Labs in terms of manpower? You use "our" so I can only assume you are a fairly large company. Secondly, if it's not a personal question, could you detail your own personal experience in IT? I only ask because I, as mentioned a previous e-mail, am in fact a fully qualified IT consultant, and would be interested to see the level of experience present in Surreal Gaming Labs. Finally, if I were to arrange for you to build my son his PC, how quickly could you obtain the parts and have it ready for collection? As a large company I am sure you are able to obtain parts direct from suppliers.
Kind Regards,
David Ellis
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Ellis,

I am happy to answer any questions you might have.

Surreal Gaming Labs is actually a relatively small company there are now two people in total that make up the business including myself which is why I also double up as one of the computer engineers, the other staff member is  our administrator, and our web developer was just let go.
I myself am qualified upto Microsoft Certified Systems Administrator. Ive also worked as a computer engineer & IT support, and PC gaming is also a hobby of mine, and our other staff are (and always will be) qualified and have experience in their respective fields.
We have several suppliers with varying prices on parts and delivery times, so depending on whether parts are in stock at our suppliers we can get parts for an order within 3 to 5 working days at most (some of our suppliers get the parts to us the next working day), and dispatch the order with an additional 2 to 3 working days via DHL. Due to the weight of the PCs, delivery charges usually come around £20+.

I would recommend for the meantime, that if you do wish to use our service that you wait for me to get our new website and updated ebay product listings up, this way you will be provided with ebay buyer's protection, which will give you the added security you desire.
Our built-to-order service will however be reduced from a national service to a more local based service due to the fact that I am not qualified in making an e-commerce website that is secure enough to offer sufficient protection for your privacy protection and protection against online fraud.

I hope you understand that we take our customer's security very seriously and will not offer a service, which  would now be irresponsible and illegal on our part to continue.

We have a wide range of products from £480 to over £6000 so if you have a rough budget for your new PC, I can send you the details of the two nearest updated products we will offer via ebay and let you decide whether or not you wish to continue dealing with us, with all the information you need at your fingertips.

Yours Sincerely,

Jonathan Kirkham
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Kirkham,
Thank-you for your response, regarding the PCs you offer, as someone who takes quality very seriously, I would be interested to see the specifications of your most high-end PC.
Kind Regards,
David Ellis
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Ellis,

Here is the spec of our current top-end machine that you requested:-


ZEUS ULTIMA
Motherboard: Gigabyte GA-X58A-UD9 Intel X58 (Socket 1366) DDR3
Processor: Intel Core i7 980X 3.33GHz (Gulftown) Extreme Edition (Socket LGA1366)
RAM: G.Skill RipJaw 24GB (6x4GB) DDR3 PC3-10666C9 1333MHz Triple Channel Kit
Graphics: 2x Asus Ares ATI Radeon Dual HD 5870 4096MB GDDR5 in Crossfire
Sound: Creative Sound Blaster X-Fi Titanium - Fatal1ty Champion Series 7.1 Sound Card
Primary HDD: Western Digital VelociRaptor 300GB 10000RPM SATA-II 16MB Cache
Storage HDDs: 2x Western Digital VelociRaptor 600GB 10000RPM SATA 6Gb/s 32MB Cache  (RAID 0)
Optical Drive: Pioneer BDR-205 12x BluRay RW / 16x DVD±RW Drive - Black
PSU: Antec TruePower Quattro 1200W Modular Power Supply
Case: Coolermaster HAF X Gaming Tower Case
OS: Windows 7 Ultimate 64 Bit
CPU Cooling: CoolIT Vantage Liquid CPU Cooler
Memory Cooling: Corsair Airflow Triple-Channel Fan


Price: £6300.00

We do have a new top end PC in the pipeline, however the specs are still being finalised for the updated product list for ebay but that PC will hit the £11,000 mark.

Yours Sincerely,

Jonathan Kirkham
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Kirkham,
Are you sure you've got your figures correct? The specs of that computer are almost identical to my current PC, but it costs 6x as much.
I'm sure this was just a simple mistake, but your quoted price appears to be £6,300.
Kind Regards,
David Ellis
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Ellis,

The figures are correct, and there is no way I could produce that PC for £1000 since the graphics cards alone for example cost us just under £900 each to bring in. We put the very latest and best gaming tech into our top end Gaming PCs, but this tech comes with hefty price tags which is set by our suppliers.

I now no longer feel it is in either of our interests to continue down this avenue.

Yours Sincerely,
Jonathan Kirkham
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Kirkham,
Most people would have backed down but not you. However, I shall wait until I see your full price computer, as (as I said previously) my son is adamant about quality. In the meantime, are you buying parts direct from the supplier? I get the feeling from your prices that you're buying them from retailers, or the supplier's website rather than directly.
Kind Regards,
David Ellis
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Ellis,

Our new site should soon be finished and up within the next few days, and I apologise for the amount of time it has taken to get this far but I am no web designer and getting things right have been somewhat difficult for me. As a potential customer, I would appreciate any feedback you could give in regards to the new site, when it is up.

In addition, the new "Olympus" product line is almost finalised and I will have the details sent to you as soon as they are done. The Olympus model range is designed for future proofers and the games of the future (no modern game could even dent the power these machines have). They have 12 CPU cores, 48 GB of RAM and a potential for upto 4 graphics cards in SLI or Crossfire, as well as top of the line SSD harddrives in RAID as well as OCZ SSD Revodrives which are twice as fast as any standard SSD. As I said though, I shall send you the full spec of the 'Olympus Ultima' when they are finalised.

We do buy directly from suppliers, however because we cannot afford to bulk buy items due to the small nature of the company (e.g. the amount of different items we need, how expensive some of these items can get and the shere amount of space required to store it all would put our overheads up too far and would probably sink the company), so we end up having to pay more. This is the main reason why we have several suppliers, to get individual items at the lowest possible prices to keep our prices as low as possible for our customers until we have the revenue to safely start bulk buying our products. I assure you however that we will begin bulk buying and lowering our prices accordingly as soon as it becomes a viable option for us.

Despite this, we still beat our larger competitors such as Dell/Alienware who seem to charge an awful lot more than us for any PC we provide.
For example:
A top end specced Alienware Area-51 ALX has half the RAM and half the GPU power (2 standard 5870s in crossfire), and no RAID options for increased HDD/SSD performance in comparison to our Zeus Ultima which has 24gb ram, two ATI 5870 Ares (Dual GPU) graphics cards, and two Sata-3 600gb western digital veloci raptors in RAID 0 which are designed to compete with SSDs.
The Alienware would cost you £6619 without any additional software packages, or additional PC peripherals such as Monitors, printers, speakers and so on. As you have already seen, the Zeus Ultima is only £6300 and you could put a top end 24inch full HD gaming monitor for roughly £250 and it would still be cheaper to buy from us than a larger company such as Dell/Alienware, and you still get more for your money.

The only difference between us and such companies is reputation. Surreal Gaming Labs has no real reputation yet and is a pretty new company, which takes time to build up (this is one reason why you are testing us, simply because you do not know us and wish to find out whether or not we are reliable and more importantly, trustworthy), Dell and Alienware have been on 'the block' for a long time now and they know it and so they hyke their prices up to make you pay for their name, rather than just the tech in your PC, delivery and labour charges and a reasonable amount of profit to allow company growth.

I do not believe you should have to pay for a name, only the value of what the final product is worth, and this is one of the principles I run Surreal Gaming Labs by.

If you have any additional enquiries while you wait for our site and finalised product specs, please feel free to ask them.

Yours Sincerely,

Jonathan Kirkham
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Kirkham,
Thank-you for your comprehensive and fast response. I hope you will forgive my former trepidation about your company; obviously the amounts of money involved are significant, and I'm sure you will agree with me that it would be imprudent to complete a transaction without ensuring the reliability of the company beforehand.

With this in mind, I will be passing through Burnley in the next few days and hope to visit your company headquarters for a demonstration of your product line. I have your company address down as follows:

17 Fairview Road
Burnley
Lancashire
BB11 3EP

I hope this will be convenient for you; if all goes to plan I will be at the reception desk around 10 AM on Saturday the 13th of November.

Kind Regards,
David Ellis
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 HERE BEGINS KANE AKA JON KIRKHAM TRYING TO WEASEL OUT OF ME COMING ROUND TO HIS HOUSE. The real reason that he does not want me turning up is because his 'business' address is his Mum's house, where he lives. If I did go to the address given, I would find a small terraced house bordering in Burnley, and his mother would most likely answer the door, lol
Dear Mr Ellis,

There is nothing you need apologise for, id of been as cautious as you were for I am well aware of the dangers online as well. I would like to thank you for your patience in dealing with us.

Unfortunately, as much as I would like to 'show off' our product lines in order to possibly secure a sale, we currently do not have public liability insurance and therefore we cannot allow members of the public to enter our property, which has unfortunately prevented us from show casing our best products to the public, and giving us more exposure. We have chosen to do this in order to keep our outgoings as low as possible in order to keep the company secure in these financially stressful times. Also without public liability insurance we also cannot take our products outside of business properties to do demonstrations in public places.

It is one of the things we would very well much like to do but unfortunately simply cannot do, since as i said in the previous email, the company is relatively new and is small, and most of our current revenue comes from small servicing and maintenance jobs from the local area. This is of course my fault for not kicking my web developer up the rear end sooner and getting our online site atleast half way descent until now.

I am very sorry for this inconvenience in regards to the lack of a demonstration, but in the current climate it is needs must for smaller companies like SGL.

I understand if this puts you off from buying from us, and you decide to shop else where for your new PC. If that does indeed become the case, then I wish you all the best.

Yours Sincerely,

Jonathan Kirkham
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Kirkham,
I understand your trepidation as a new business owner who is not experienced in how business is conducted. However, if it helps, please consider my visit an informal, off-the-record affair- public liability insurance does not cover such matters. Despite this, you mentioned that there were others employed by Surreal Gaming Labs, and thus I trust it goes without saying that any legal procedures regarding employment have already being taken care of. With this in mind, as stated earlier I will be at reception at approximately 10 AM on Saturday the 13th of November.
Kind Regards,
David Ellis
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Ellis,

Although the business is new and I may not have an exceptional amount of experience running a business, I do however understand the letter of the law. Any accident or other incident involving you while in our property is my/the company's liability, and if I let you in knowing full well that I do not have public liability insurance not only could you potentially sue (and bankrupt my company) but I would also be fined by the authorities.

I have one other staff member (who I told you of in a previous email) who also happens to be a relation of mine who acts as an part time Administration Assistant in their own time.

So once again, I must again decline your request, it will only be a waste of your time for you will only be turned away at the door. My feelings are that you are being overly aggressive in relation to visiting the premises, and once again I must reiterate under no circumstances are you to attempt visiting the premesis located at the address on our business card.

I apologise again for this, but I will not take a risk that has the potential to destroy this business.

Yours Sincerely,

Jonathan Kirkham.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Kirkham,
As I stated earlier, public liability insurance does not apply and is not required for personal matters. In layman's terms, you would not be liable for any accidents that took place on the premises of your business.
I hope this settles the matter,
David Ellis
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Yes, here he is pretending to be his (nonexistent) wife. He's that much of a fucking idiot.
Dear Mr Ellis,

As Mr Kirkham has already stated, 'your request to visit the property at 10am on Saturday 13th November 2010 is declined'.

I am now advising you as the silent business partner, your reasons for wanting to visit on a personal matter is nothing to do with this business, you will not be admitted to the property if you turn up. Apart from that business hours are from Monday to Friday 9:00am to 5:00pm.

Your manner in your previous email came across as being very persistant and I am asking you now to drop this line of enquiry for we are not interested in your personal matters. If in future you do wish to purchase one of our products please go through the website which should be up and running by 10 to 14 working days, due to extenuating circumstances.

Yours Sincerely,

Mrs J.Kirkham - Silent Business Partner
On behalf of Mr Jonathan Kirkham
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Kirkham,
Am I correct in assuming that you are Mr. Kirkham's mother?
Kind Regards,
David Ellis
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Ellis,

Who my mother is or is not is non of your concern, you are a potential customer of this company, that does not entitle you to personal information about myself or company employees and our relationships.

I shall now reiterate the following for your convenience; You shall not turn up at the property on Saturday for business or personal matters, and if you wish to buy from us you shall go through normal channnels via our website and ebay when they are finished. You shall desist with inappropriate questions and lines of enquiry that are not related to the business or you have already recieved an answer to.

Yours Sincerely,

Jonathan Kirkham
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 my final email to him

Jon,
You have already told me that you only have one employee, and said employee is related to you (your mother). The question still stands as to why you felt necessary to first try to put me off by hinting that I should choose to buy somewhere else, then making up something about insurance (which does not apply in this situation). Furthermore, a burning question in my mind is why you elected to impersonate your own mother (I assume I was supposed to believe that you were married, and that it was your wife) again in a poorly contrived attempt to throw me off. I find it mildly insulting that you thought me so stupid as to believe this, particularly when the poor grammar present in both your and your "mother's" e-mails were identical. Your use of imperatives ('you shall') is so ill befitting of someone who lives with his own mother that while reading your e-mail I laughed so hard and for such an extended period of time that my sides began to ache. I am well aware of the fact that your business is based in a tiny, terraced house in Burnley and were too ashamed to admit this, but the fact that you were prepared to concoct such extraordinarily absurd lies to a customer rather than admit the truth tells me a great deal about your own personal honesty. Apart from anything else, I have very little faith in yourself simply due to your frankly cringeworthy brutalization of the English language, making grammatical and spelling mistakes that would put a 6-year old to shame. I imagine this is why you were forced to take a job building other peoples' PCs for them. Another highlight of our correspondence was when you told me you had "ordered" the site taken down, and when you told me, "I do however understand the letter of the law". Yes, when said law is available in an easy-read user friendly document found via a Google search. I'm glad we have been in contact, as it has highlighted to me the disastrous effect inexperience can have on a 'business'; a term of which SGL does not deserve the honour, however minuscule. All in all, do correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm getting an overwhelming impression that your opinion of yourself is so astronomically, disproportionally, catastrophically inflated as to cause me to begin to question how God could allow anyone to walk the earth in such a state of tragic, pitiful disillusionment. But that's autism for you.
Best of luck coming to terms with the cataclysmic failure that is your attempt at earning money,
D. Ellis.

 He hasn't replied since