The Chain (Hanako)

The Chain


It's been a week since Lilly got back from Scotland. She's come by three times since then, each visit more worried and desperate than the last. When I finally started coming back to class, she tried waiting outside the room a few times. But she's blind, no one else cares enough to answer her questions, and she's too polite to physically stop me as I walk past. I don't say anything, but I know she knows it's me.

I can't look at her face anymore when she does that. And Hisao...

The first day I came back to class, after he had come to my room. After he had just gone on and on and never stopped talking or bothered to listen, how I'd tried and tried to tell him that I didn't want to go out, that it wasn't what I needed. When I finally came back, I could feel his eyes on me from across the room. But I didn't look. He was as invisible to me as I am to everyone else, and that's the way it has to be. It's the way I... the way and I want it, and it's the only way I...

Stop, Hanako. Stop. I can't break down again, who's going to catch me? No one. There's no one here at all. And that's the way I made it. That's the way it has to be.

My therapist called the other day, wondering about the sessions that I've missed. I didn't have anything to say to him, either. The only times I've left this room outside of going to class have been to go to the bathroom or to get food, and both of those I limit to darkest hours of the night, when I'm sure not to encounter anyone else.

And now I sit here, in my room, staring out my window at the ugly, gray sky outside. The books I have sprawled across my bed are going to be overdue soon. I'll need to go back to the library to return them, and I can do that quickly and quietly, probably. But if I wanted more, Hisao might be there, and I...

My only friends now are the books that surround me, and the lock on my door. This room is stifling, I feel like a withering flower. I want to go outside, even if other people would look at me. I want to go to the library and read in the warm afternoon sun, but again, Hisao might be there and...

I hurt him. He had practically asked for it, god, he'd been so stupid! But he was still trying to help. He made a mistake. Everyone does. And by now I'm pretty sure I made one too, but I just don't know what else I could have done, I was backed into a corner and I didn't want to go out but he wouldn't stop talking and I just. I just.

I lay down on my bed, displacing books left and right, a few faint thumping noises mark the ones that fall to the floor. It's not even summer break yet, the school year isn't even close to being over. And I'm more broken than I've ever been. My life wasn't that much different from this, back before I met Lilly, but now, now I... I don't want to go back to living like that. I don't want to be alone, and scared.

Here, in this room, there's no one to look at me. No eyes to pass over my scars, no ears to hear me stutter, no one to judge or ask questions or silently think them. But I miss being around people. Maybe not people, but Lilly, at least. And Hisao, but I...

I can't go on like this. I'm in a rut, and with every day that passes, I'm just being driven further into the ground. But now, when I break down, there won't be anyone to help. Hisao, I didn't... I didn't want to scream at you like that. I didn't want to scream at anyone like that, ever. Why couldn't we understand eachother? I know now that I should have tried harder to make myself clear. Even if I'm broken. Even if I can't be like other people. Even if it's a lie, I just wish someone would treat me like a normal person, like everyone else, and not some damaged little girl who needs to be protected.

Protected... like I'm a flower in a field somewhere, and someone's going to come along and step on me.

No, no. This isn't the orphanage. I'm not that weak, and I'm not in danger. I just wish... I just wish I could have made him understand that.

Hisao.

I turn onto my side in my bed, feeling that familiar pain, that longing ache. Hisao, Hisao, I miss you. I miss chess, and I miss you not caring about my stutter, and I miss just being alone with you, when my fears would be quiet, and you were the only sound.

That's gone, now, though. And all I'm left with is this empty, ugly silence, and the faint whispers of my troubles and mistakes and my worries, like the rustling of paper, echoing in my head. Apart from my fears, the silence is deafening.

There's a knock at my door, bringing an end to the crushing, drenching quiet. I stare at it for several long moments, torn between curiosity and the desire to continue crawling into the deepest, darkest hole I can find.

“Hanako. I know you're here.” A voice calls from the other side. Lilly. Again. This is visit number four, in the span of a week.

For some reasons or another, I find myself slipping quietly across my floor, until there's nothing but the wooden frame of my door between us. With her hearing, she might already know that I'm right here, but it doesn't matter.

Lilly.

I'm sure that Hisao told you what I said. About him. About you. Lilly, Lilly. I want to say so much, so many things, I want to melt into your arms and cry, but I can't, I won't. I burned that bridge. I told them that I'm not some poor, defenseless child, and breaking down now would only make me a liar.

There are worse things to be than a liar, though. Lilly...

“I know you can hear me.” She calls again. “Hanako, I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry.”

I say nothing, staring at the door in front of me as if my eyes could bore through it and grant me a glimpse of the person on the other side.

“Hanako, I... I let you down. I'm sorry.” I don't remember the last time I heard Lilly apologize. My gaze sinks to the floor, even though she wouldn't be able to see it with the door open.

“I was hoping that nothing too drastic would happen while I was away, and that Hisao would be able to handle things without me. But now I know...” She continues, before stopping again. Here it comes. Go on, Lilly, tell me that I'm nothing without you around. Tell me that I need you, that I can't do anything on my own. My hands ball into fists at my sides, I clench my eyes shut to fight back the burning sensation.

I'm not even sure if I disagree with you anymore.

“Hanako, I wanted to apologize. But... I also want to say that I'm proud of you.” Lilly says.

My eyes shoot open. “L-Lilly?” I stammer, unable to keep quiet. I can hear her lay one hand on my door, gently.

“Hanako. I'm so, so proud of you.” She says, genuine emotion in her voice. “I'm sorry that I treated you like a child. You've proven that you're so much more than that. You showed me just how strong you were, even if it cost you so much...”

I can't say anything. Tears start streaming down my cheeks, my lip begins to tremble.

“Lilly... L-Lilly, I...” I manage to sputter. She makes a soft shushing noise from the other side of the door.

“It's okay, Hanako. We were wrong, to treat you like that. But you did the right thing, standing up for yourself. I'm proud of you. Not as a mother figure, but as a person, as a friend.”

The quiet sound of my tears hitting the floor are the only response I can manage. Lilly continues, her voice gentle, soothing, but pained.

“I won't tell you to come out, Hanako. I can't do that. But I want you to know that I love you. And Hisao loves you, he's an absolute mess.”

Hisao. Hisao, he...

“R-really?” I say, struggling to get the words out through the tears that still flow.

“Really.” Lilly's tone takes the slightest bit of mirth. “He's been laying around all over the place feeling worthless, forgetting to take his medication, begging me for advice on what to do.”

“Maybe,” She says, her voice growing softer. “Maybe he needs you. More than he lets on.”

I stare at my floor again. If I come out now, would anything be different? Would it ever be the same? Maybe I need him too. Not like a child, not like someone who needs to be protected. Like someone to be with, together. I... I want that...

“Lilly...” I start, but she shushes me again.

“I won't ask you to come out, Hanako. But when you do, our tea room is always there.”

She begins to pull away. “Goodbye, Hanako. I missed you, every day while I was in Scotland. I miss you now, every day. But I'm proud of you.”

I try to choke out a response, but I can hear her footsteps echoing down the hall.

Lilly. And Hisao, he... maybe he doesn't...

I, I. I have to try. I can be strong. Even if I'm broken, even if I'm worthless, and even though I pushed them away. They still care about me. They, they miss me, and I miss them so much...

I wipe my eyes with both hands. And then reach for the lock on my door.






“The Chain” is a song by Ingrid Michaelson.