okay so it all starts at the end of ocarina of time where link gets sent back to the past by zelda with her magical flute thing and then we see navi fly off when he returns. he goes to meet zelda for the "first" time and then the game ends there presumably so we don't see him mugging her for the ocarina.

as i mentioned, navi fucks off at some point and so link steals epona and goes off into the woods for some reason even though he's not a kokiri so he'd probably either end up a stalfos or dead because he also didn't bring food. is he supposed to eat his shield? i bet he's supposed to eat his shield. then some skull kid named skull kid (points for creativity) wearing a gimp mask shows up and mugs you in return, steals the ocarina, steals your horse and you chase him by very courageously and bravely by grabbing onto your horse for dear life. no wonder the horse doesn't like you at first.

so then you chase skull kid down some hole and fall into a pit of lucky charms and land on some flower and then you turn into the new generation 8 grass type starter. then he leaves you with some bitch of a fairy named nav- tatl. her name is tatl. her brother is tael. i'll let you figure that one out. you fly across some gaps and then skip a tutorial if you side hop and then go back to the forest temple with the drugged-out twisty hallway.

you try to leave the sewers until miyamoto himself stops you and is like "yo get me my shit back" and you're like "k" so you talk to a fairy and then some stupid kids and don't get a 12345 pattern because RNG hates you. you watch the moon cry because same and then you collect its tears to drink. you give the shit to a deku and he's like "thanks here's another flower have fun lol" and then fucks off somewhere. by now you've probably still got like two and a half days left so you know what that means?

MONEY GRINDING

you grind money and get a new wallet. that's it that's what you do in first cycle. it sucks.

on midnight of the third day you go up to the clock tower and confront skull kid about stealing your shit and he's just like "bro i got the moon on my side fuckin try me" so you shoot him with a bubble and he's like "bitch" and drops the ocarina. you have a flashback to the moment you mugged zelda and remember a song that's not gonna be important but somehow you've got horns instead? okay

so you play the song and then go back in time and are like "wtf" and you go back into the clock tower and miyamoto somehow is unaffected because of all of his money. he teaches you the Song of Ripping People's Faces Off For Your Own Benefit and then you turn back into a normal type and then go to the swamp. oh and maybe meet tingle. maybe.

you go to the swamp and meet the owl in the 3DS version. he teaches you how to fucking fly. you go up into the boat cruise shop and the guy behind the desk is like "WHERE THE fuck. oh and boat isn't running right now" so you go find the hag not once but twice and you can follow the monkeys but really you don't have to if you know where you're going. it's the same route every time. so you take the boat and go to the deku palace and start to wish you had a flamethrower but you don't so you talk to the deku king and he's like "MY DAUGHTER'S MISSING BLAME THE MONKEYS" like wow, racist.

so you talk to the monkey after taking a bean up to the rafters or backflipping onto a door frame and jumping onto a platform to skip half of it and he teaches you the sonata of awakening which can wake things up. just like anything that gets played on five horns at the same time.

so you go to woodfall temple, fight some tribal guy and kill him and save the deku princess. the king is like "man i suck" and he is right for once.

next destination is the mountains but before you go there you buy a bomb bag and then go to the mountains. you meet the gorons who're like these big ol rock bois except they kinda suck because rocks can't survive in the cold even though pokemon logic says otherwise. you get a magnifying glass that lets you see dead things really closely and then follow a floating rock guy who's like "wah wah i fell off a bridge and DIED" and you play the Song of Ripping People's Faces Off For Your Own Benefit for him and you do exactly what the naming scheme entails. what a concept.

so now you go between some whiny brat and an old guy who somehow manages to encase himself in ice every time you reload the map and then learn the goron lullaby, so you're pretty much a master of controlling sleep now. you go to snowhead temple and beat the shit outta some ancient mechanical goat thing like hot damn i can ride this thing all the way to clock town and trample skull kid but you don't you killed him you horrible monster.

next stop is great bay, but wait? you need a horse? to cross the wall that's blocking access to great bay? for some fucking reason? so now you go back in time to gain a dynamite license and almost blow up some guy to save your horse. the horse doesn't like you at first because you grabbed onto its leg like i mentioned before but it's whatever, now you can go to great bay.

so at great bay as soon as you enter it tatl is like "nani the fuck" and you beach a fish man and he plays a song for you before you play a song for him in the Song of Ripping People's Faces Off For Your Benefit and he very conveniently dies right then and there, you totally didn't kill him.

so now you're him. ;)

you go and find out that your girlfriend had her eggs stolen by some pirates. this is why you don't trust the deep web. so you go to their hideout and break in, or if you know your glitches, you can skip that entire segment with goron and the bow. you steal her eggs back from them and find a hookshot along the way. hope you have enough bottles for this because if you don't you're either making four round trips or visiting the beavers and honestly fuck the beavers.

so you make four round trips from the pirate's fortress and they somehow don't notice you stealin their shit and then you go to pickle rock to find three more, which means either three more round trips or visiting the beavers and once again fuck the beavers.

so you make three round trips from pinnacle rick and then you learn a song called the new wave bossa nova which doesn't sound like it would have to do with sleep but then it wakes up a giant fucking turtle. so basically you could've played the sonata of awakening and not have to have even considered visiting those fucKING BEAVERS

you go to great bay temple and kill the wildlife because you're an awful person and now the sea is better? yay? whatever. great bay is the best dungeon in the game by the way.

next location is ikana canyon but it's full of dead people so you know what that means? you know that thing you have that can see the dead?

you don't use it. you race some luigis and kick their shit in and take their mask that lets you in. or you can skip that with goron and bow as well.

so now you're in ikana canyon, and you're like "oh i can go to the dungeon right now" no you can't. no you can't. you thought it would be easy? you thought you were having a swell time? WELL GUESS WHAT NOW YOU'RE HAVING A WELL TIME. FUCK THE WELL. FUCK EVERYTHING ABOUT THE WELL. FUCK YOU.

anyways so once you're through the well, an extra powder keg and new shield in hand because you finally succumbed to the hunger and ate your last one, you go to some castle and fight the cast of undertale. they teach you the elegy of emptiness aka ben drowned haha lol get it funny. memebot drowned

so now you can climb stone tower and it's a pain in the ass UNLESS YOU USE A GLITCH WITH GORON AND THE BOW GET FUCKED

so then you find the light arrows inside of the temple and are like "the fuck am i supposed to do with this thing looks like a dagger dipped in honey" until you shoot a red thing and ????????u? ?n?us nds?p? po?u?

so then you suplex a worm and have all the shit you need to kill skull kid. so you go back to the clock tower at midnight and he's like "bro i got the moon on my side fuckin try me" except this time you do try him and your tall friends stop him so then the gimp mask lets him go and flies up into the moon and the moon is like "consume prilosec" or some shit and you follow him

and it's oddly peaceful? there's a tree inside of it and a couple kids with boss remains and the one at the tree has the gimp mask and is like "kill me" and you're like "k" so you kill him and you win. that's the game.

and then miyamoto disappears into thin air. they don't explain that.