Hamlet Sitcom

Scene I:  Hamlet, Ghost

Hamlet comes home from school.

Hamlet:  Oh my, what a fantastic day this has been.  I almost feel

bad coming back to this dump my parents call a home.  Time for

some good ol' relaxation.  The one thing I love most about

relaxation is exactly how relaxing it can be.  There is nothing more

that I need in the world than a soft, warm couch, and plenty my

favorite drama -  *stops mid sentence*

Suddenly, Hamlet answers his cell phone, it is his father's ghost on

the line.

Hamlet:  No!  [pause]  No! [pause]  You're not coming over! [pause]

 I don't care how angry you are [Pause] I said no!

Hamlet sets the phone back in his pocket, continues to watch tv.

Soon after, Hamlet's father's ghost clumsily enters the room,

almost knocking the door off the hinges and tripping over a skull

left lying on the floor.

Hamlet:  *facepalms* *groans*

Ghost: Son, I have a secret mission for you! *Speaks the way a

ghost would speak if trying to be overdramatic*

Hamlet:  Get out of my house!

Ghost:  You must avenge me!

Hamlet:  ... I must.. what?

Ghost:  Avenge my murder!

Hamlet:  Murder? You died trying to make toast with a propane

tank and a heating pad, remember?  That was definitely not

murder.  I don't even know what you're talking about.

*Flashes back to father's murder*

Father's corpse lying on ground, dead, Hamlet and uncle are

enjoying the toast, sitting on top of the corpse.  Uncle takes a bite,

then begins to laugh maniacally.

*Flashes back to present time*

Hamlet:  That was really good toast.

Ghost:  Listen, Hamlet.  When your uncle comes home from the

office, tonight, you must slay him.

Hamlet:  I don't know.  Tonight really is not a good night.  I was

going to have Ophelia over, and she really hates corpses.

Ghost:  Have your fun, but she must leave early so that the murder

may proceed as planned.

Hamlet: *Starts getting fed up*
Fine, I'll murder my stupid uncle.  Will you please go away now?

*Ghost opens a door, only to realize that it is a closet, then goes

out the proper door*


Scene II:  Hamlet, Ophelia, Polonius

Ophelia and Polonius are walking to Hamlets house.

Polonius:  And you never know what is going on in that boy's head!

I say it is all lies!  He only likes you because you know how to make

a great pork roast.  That is it!

Ophelia:  You're right, dad.  You are always right.

Polonius:  Okay, so let's go over the plan one more time.  You will

enter the house, and you will return to him the cd's you borred from

him.

Ophelia:  I never borrowed any cd's from hamlet.

Polonius:  That is the beauty of the plan.  You never borrowed the

cd's, so we are returning to him cd's he has never listened to

before.

Ophelia:  I don't get it.  Why?  And what cd's are they?

Polonius and Ophelia stop walking for a moment.  Polonius

reaches into his pocket and pulls out two cd's.

Polonius:  These are two cd's containing pop music remade by

children.  They're all the rage in Norway.

Ophelia:  No one in the right mind would listen to this crap.

Polonius:  Which is why this will be the basis of your break up.

Ophelia:  What? *exclaimed*

Polonius:  Did I forget to mention that?  You are breaking up with

Hamlet.

Ophelia: Okay.

Polonius.  Upon returning these cd's, you will let him know just how

bad you thought they were.  You will tell him that it was the worst

music you had ever heard, and that you never want to see him

again.  Meanwhile, I will slip in, unseen, and observe his reaction to

all of this.

Scene III:  Hamlet, Polonius, Queen

Hamlet sits crying on his bed, the cd's sitting beside him, and the

music playing on his sterio.  Polonius is obviously hiding in the

room.

Hamlet:  Why, Ophelia, why! *crying out to self* You leave me

because of this?

*Picks up one of the cd cases, then throws it back onto the bed*

Continues: You know nothing of passionate work, Ophelia!  I loved

you once.  I loved you like a needle loves thread.  Your warm, firm,

tall, blood filled body.  Your spirit, gushing out at me with the

strength of ten thousand men.  Ophelia!! *deep, heavy cry*

Polonius comes out of his hiding place and sits down beside

Hamlet.

Polonius:  *Pats Hamlet on back*  Everything will be alright.  These

things happen.

Hamlet:  Why, me.  Why must these things --

*Hamlet jumps up*

Hamlet:  Who are you, what are you doing here!

Polonius:  It's me, Polon---

Polonius is cut short, as Hamlet beats him over the head with a

large stick.

Hamlet:  Oh, Polonius!  I didn't recognize you at first.  Oh, and

you're dead.  *insert laugh track*

Drags the body out and into his mother's closet.
However, unknowingly to hamlet,his mother had come home and

is in that room, so she sees this happening

Queen:  By god, Hamlet, what have you done!

Hamlet scrambles for a quit excuse, but falls flat

Hamlet:  I uh.. I..

*quickly changes subject*

Hamlet:  Dad's going to be home soon, why don't we mix him up

some cocktails?

Queen:  Deal!

The queen helps hamlet toss the corpse into the closet, and they

go off to make cocktails.

Scene IV:  Hamlet,  Ophelia, Queen, King, Laertes

Laertes and Ophelia rush into Hamlet's house to find Hamlet and

the Queen gossiping at the kitchen table over cocktails.

Hamlet:  So I said oh no you di'int!

The queen laughs hysterically

Laertes:  *Shouting*  Enough!  What the hell have you done to her!

Hamlet:  What are you talking about?  She broke up with me, you

jerk!

Laertes:  Ophelia, say something.

Ophelia:  *Sings pop music lyrics*

Laertes:  That children's music!  It has driven her mad!  I came

home to see her singing at the top of her lungs.  It was playing on

five different sound systems!

Hamlet:  That is not possible!  She returned those cd's to me

today, told me she hated them, and immediately broke up with me.

It made me sad!  I cried for three hours!  *Almost starts to cry

again*

Ophelia:  *Sings pop music lyrics*

*A thump is heard from behind, and Polonius's body slumps out of

the closet*

Laertes:  Oh, that is it!

Hamlet:  Yes.  That time has come.  Soul Calibur duel.

Laertes and Hamlet are an intense soul calibur fight, when the king

returns home.

King:  What is going on here?  *Looks at Polonius, and back to the

duel*  Is that polonius?

Hamlet:  No, no, that's the other guy.  *Yells* Hey, Ophelia!  Can

you get me a coke?

Laertes:  I want one too!

Hamlet:  Make that two cokes, Ophelia!

*Silence?

King:  Ophelia?  Are you listening?  *walks into kitchen to find

Ophelia lying on the ground, dead*  By god's grace!  My queen,

how did this come to be??!

*Laertes puts down the controller*

Queen:  *Shrug*  How should I know?  *picks up drink with cup

marked with skull and cross bones, sips*

Hamlet:  Mom!  Our coke!

Laertes:  My sister is slain, and all you care about is coke!?

Hamlet:  Woah!  Did you see that?  Come on, you're not even

holding the controller.

Laertes:  *Raising voice*  My sister is DEAD!

Hamlet:  Well, that counts as a forfeit.  Looks like I win.

*hamlet stabs laertes, then drags the body over to where

polonius's body lies.  At the same time, the king and queen are

dragging ophelia's body.*

Hamlet:  Wait a second, who the hell is that?  *Points to polonius*

Suddenly, the queen begins choking and dies.

The king becomes filled with rage.

Hamlet:  Calm down!  Uh.. you must be thirsty!  *offers the king the

poisoned drink*

King:  What!?  You think me a fool?! *Draws sword and charges

hamlet*

Camera freezes, crowd cheers

End:  Ghost, pile of corpses

Hamlet, ophelia, laertes, king, and queen lie dead in the pile of

corpses.  The ghost is eating toast.

Ghost:  Well this turned out to be a bit of a drag.  Ugh.  This place

wreaks of symbolism.  *Leaves the room*