Almonds' Joy
Chapter 1: Let There Be Almonds!

	There she was... laying in bed, in all her almond-filled glory. A seemingly immortal girl with nothing to fear... but fear itself. And her name was... BRITT *dun dun duuun*.
	Here she lay... half asleep in her bed, curled up in a royal blanket of the 2 things America stands for... Eagles... and one of the most polluted cities in the United States. Her royal scepter of gray sticky power and tubular cardboard monstrosity, which she would swing around randomly making “pew pew” noises when nobody is watching... or when everyone is watching.
	Britt sits on her bed, typing away on her computer, facepalming at a straight man who is hitting on another man right in front of her. She needs to get ready for school, but this man, who she only knew as “Buttons”, would not let up... he was unstoppable in all his pseudohomosexual glory. Finally, Britt says enough is enough and shuts off her computer. She can only take so much gay humor in one morning. Britt now has to get ready for school... only to realize... SHES OUT OF SOCKS!!! *insert dramatic music here*
	Britt goes over to her dresser to pick out a pair of socks. She reaches into the drawer, and out of nowhere, a monster in a hot dog suit grabs her and pulls her into the dresser! Britt emerges through the other side of the dresser to find herself in some sort of alternate dimension full of sunshine and rainbows and lollipops and all you can hear is Backstreet boys music!!!
	Britt stands up and looks at what appears to be a large piece of meat in a bun standing before her. The man in the hot dog suit starts to unzip his suit and reveals his true self. Britt then finds herself to be standing face to face with a fat spanish man. The man looks at her and says “my name is King Jesus. You have been chosen as the person to save our empire. My Husband, King Mikey, has come down with a terrible illness that causes him to speak only in piglatin. The only way to revive him is to find all 4 of our Mikey Jesus babies. When all 4 of them are brought together, they release a magical slew of spanish glory that cures any sickness... or impregnates every woman within 3 miles of them... I forget which. But YOU must find them... and only then, will you receive the golden socks of magical joy and happiness!” All Britt could manage to say was “... what?” before King Jesus started talking again. “All of the Mikey Jesus babies reside in different dimensions. You are to travel to each Dimension and find all of them. I will transport you to all the locations and back. When you are done each task, you must let me know using this communicator. Yes it is a wristwatch shaped like a skull and crossbones, and yes the crossbones are penis shaped. Dont judge me. We got married cuz the empire is better when its run by 2 kings!”
	All Britt could do was stare Blankly as King Jesus continued to ramble on about the mikey jesus babies and the sexual fantasies he fufilled with king Mikey. The one with the nine iron stuck out in her head the most... mostly because a man should not be able to twist like that without breaking his spine in 32 places. Then King Jesus finally got to the good part... the TRIALS!!! *dun dun duuuun* “your first trial is in Ancient Egypt. Theres a disturbance going on in the past. You must fix it. GO!!!” King Jesus then opened a green wormhole of binary code and threw Britt into it. Britt emerges in ancient Egypt where she awaits her first trial...

Chapter 2: I Did Your Mummy Last Night

	Britt Walks through the desert towards a large pyramid. When she gets inside, she finds a small caucasian boy standing at the entrance. She looks at him and asks “are you a mikey jesus baby?” the boy answers with “yes, my name is Pablo. Theres a problem here. The pyramid has been cursed with booby traps. All the Mummys have come to life, and a large Golem is rampaging at the center of it all. Britt then says “waitwaitwait... just use leaf storm. Dont you know your pokemon types?” Pablo then says “NO!!! not a pokemon <_< a fucking HUGE ASS thing made of rock rampaging inside and you have to defeat it!!! get inside its mouth and throw this hand grenade inside of it.” Britt then says “why the fuck is it shaped like a giraffe.” the boy replies with “why not?”
	Totally confused with this whole ordeal, Britt grabs the giraffe grenade and walks inside only to find a large statue with a bow and arrow pointed directly at her. Britt looks at the statue and smiles, saying “you dont scare me... LULLX POWERS, ACTIVATE!!!” Britt then shoots a beam of fire from her left eye, and candy canes from her right eye. In a storm of minty fire, the statue melts and the arrow flies... on fire... right towards Britt. So she ducks and watches the arrow fly towards the entrance.
	just as it gets to the entrance, a man in a brown archaeologist suit jumps in out of nowhere and gets hit right in the ass with it. Worried, Britt runs to the man to see if hes okay. “My name is Indiana Jones. I have been sent here by Steven Speilberg and George Lucas to milk every last bit of money I can out of my name. I have failed. You must complete your task now.” Britt then says “dude are you okay?” jones says “yeah im fine, just a little butthurt. Now GO! Wait... ITS DANGEROUS TO GO  ALONE! TAKE THIS” Jones then hands Britt his bullwhip... which smells kinda funny but it will definitely help. Britt then walks away, but she cant help but notice a look of pleasure on Jones' face with a flaming arrow in his anal cavity.
	Britt storms into the catacombs with the bullwhip in hand... only to find a bunch of mummys dancing salsa. One mummy, who seems to be the leader, looks at her and says “YOU!!! BE MY DANCE PARTNER AND YOU MAY PASS!!! FAIL, AND YOU DIE!!!” Britt facepalms for about the 12th time in the last half hour and starts dancing salsa. After dancing, the mummys all fall back to their tombs and Britt moves on... just trying to get to the damn golem.
	Dodging snakes, falling platforms, and poison darts shaped like penises, she finally gets to the golem. Which appears to be wearing a pink bikini top and a g-string with the UPS logo on it... with rhinestones going up the back. Britt looks at it and says “dude... who dressed you, your mummy?” the golem then looks at her and says “BITCH PLEASE” and starts throwing large rocks everywhere. The rocks come to life and start going after Britt. Britt takes off running, but one gets to her... and starts humping her leg. Britt then shakes her leg and yells “GET THE FUCK OFF ME YOU JACKASS!” The creature then gets off her and says “Savior with a sex whip say WHAT?” Britt then remembers she has the bullwhip and uses it to whip the creature, scared, the creature runs away.
	Britt then runs to the Golem and uses the whip to  get to its mouth, she throws the giraffe grenade in and the Golem... doesnt explode, it sits there complaining about chronic heartburn. Britt then holds the golems hand and gives it a hug. The golem then smiles and skips out of the catacomb with a picnic basket full of rose pedals.
	Britt goes outside the catacomb... just in time to see Indians jones getting his boo boo kissed better by Pocahontas. Britt facepalms again and goes to Pablo. She then activates the watch and says “King Jesus, I have completed the first task.” A wormhole opens and she is whisked back with Pablo to King Jesus where Britt awaits her next task...

Chapter 3: Greece Me Up, Baby!

	Britt walks up to King Jesus, while Pablo runs to King Mikey. King Jesus looks at Britt and says “you did well on your first task, now you must move on to your second task. There is another ancient disturbance. I know its unoriginal but im not the one writing this shit so DEAL WITH IT!!! Theres an issue going on in ancient Greece. Another one of my Mikey Jesus babies will be waiting for you. Go now.”
	King Jesus then opens another Binary wormhole and goes to throw Britt in. Britt looks at him and says “why the hell do your wormholes look like the matrix? I swear to god if time slows down when someone points a gun at me, im going to just go to walmart and BUY a pair of fucking socks!” King jesus snaps his fingers and the wormhole takes the color of fire and throws Britt in. Britt emerges out the other side to see another caucasian child making out with Hercules. Britt walks up to him and taps him on the shoulder. The child jumps and says “HE HAD SOMETHING IN HIS TEETH AND I WAS TRYING TO GET IT OUT! WE WERENT DOING ANYTHING I SW- oh its only you... Im Pablo. Theres a large Hydra in that cave, go kill it” and then continues making out with Hercules. Britt shakes her head and just walks away saying “ive seen worse on IRC...”
	She heads into the cave with the bullwhip and starts to look around. She doesnt see anything until... a huge stream of fire shoots across the roof of the cave, setting the whole roof ablaze. Britt looks at it and says “AWESOME! MORE HEADS, MORE TARGETS!” The hydra looks at her and says “Bitch whatchutalkinbout” Britt facepalms and yells “WHY THE HELL DOES EVERYTHING I FIGHT HAVE A BLACK ACCENT” she takes the whip and snaps it at a hydra head. The hydra bites the whip and shreds it. Frustrated, Britt looks around, dodging fire, ice, and electricity.
	She looks at the hydra and notices it has 4 heads... yet only 3 beams are being fired. Thats when she notices one head is just sitting there watching. Britt looks at it and says “Why arent you fighting me, fool” The head looks at her and says “im a pacifist, dont hurt me and I wont hurt you” and smiles at her.
	Frustrated again, Britt looks around to find a large skeleton with a sword. She grabs the sword and lunges at the hydra, cutting off the heads of fire and ice. The heads regenerate with even more... 3 for every head she severed. Britt then launches another attack on the heads, cutting off the electric and pacifist heads, Spawning 3 electric, and 3 pansy heads. Britt looks outside to see Hercules playing tonsil hockey with a small white child named Pablo. She then says. “wait... I saw this in the disney movie... LULLX POWERS ACTIVATE!!!” she shoots the beam of fire and candy canes at a large boulder conveniently perched above the hydra. The boulder falls and crushes the Hydra... except for one pansy head.
	That one pansy head then falls off and grows arms and legs. It looks at Britt and says “Oh thank you so much! I am finally free!!!” The head then skips out of the cave with a picnic basket full of rose pedals singing “Its raining men”... britt looks at the hydra head and says... “who writes this shit... TOM?” She then goes out of the cave and walks up to hercules and Pablo, saying “come on, lover boy. Time to go see daddy and daddy” she grabs Pablo and activates the skull and penisbones watch and gets whisked back with Pablo back to King Jesus. Pablo then runs to king Mikey and starts praying. Britt then walks up to King Jesus and awaits her next task...

Chapter 4: Eskimo of Doom

Britt walks up to King Jesus once again, expecting him to say something really really stupid... and shes right. King Jesus looks at her and says “You must get a partner for this next task. Choose any one person from history to be your partner.
	Being a smartass, Britt jokingly says “Benedict Arnold” and instantly, a man in a red revolutionary suit pops out of nowhere in a large puff of pink smoke. The man looks at her and says “i am Benedict Arnold, I will be your partner... and I wont be a traitor this time... cuz I know I got my ass kicked last time” Britt then shakes her head again and just waves for King Jesus to open the damn wormhole. “... oh look... Matrix again :|” says Britt as she just jumps in. King jesus then says “oh fuck... I forgot to tell her what she has to do”
	Britt finds herself in some sort of frozen place with nothing around... and its dark. REALLY dark. She looks around to find a caucasian boy shivering. Worried, Britt runs to him and wraps a coat around him. The boy then says “hi, Im Pablo. we-” Britt interrupts with “WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ALL NAMED PABLO???” Pablo replies with “Dont interrupt me, foo! We are not all named Pablo! Welcome to Alaska. Theres a problem in here... look at this eskimo hut... theres a crazy woman inside who will NOT shut the hell up! Please just... go inside and get her to stop talking so the 30 days of night can END already  <_<”
	Britt walks into the hut with Benedict Arnold behind her... she looks around to see a woman in a huge eskimo suit sitting dead center with a piece of plastic in front of her... her coat was so big, you couldnt even see her face. Britt goes closer to her and says “hello? Who are you?” The woman raises her head and says “Hello, my name is Sarah Palin! I burn books for a living and I expect everyone to take me seriously!” Britt facepalms
	Sarah Palin takes off her hood and says “all I want is for someone to play a game with me...” britt looks at her and says “ill play a game”. Sarah then takes the piece of plastic and it starts shooting out cards. Britt looks at her and says “... you have got to be kidding me” Palin looks at her and says “just one game please? I promise if you can beat me, ill retire from politics! Ill even stop using this gameshark!
	Britt looks at Sarah Palin and says “THERE IS NO GAMESHARK FOR UNO ATTACK!!!” Just then, the room gets all dark, sll the candles go out, Benedict Arnold runs out of the hut saying “AUUUUGH! IM AFRAID OF THE DARK!!!” Britt slams her head on the floor and tells Arnold to come back. Arnold sits back down just in time to see a puff of smoke... and a voice comes down and says... “Hi, Billy Mays here for the Uno Shark!”
	Britt smacks her forehead again and says “OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!” Sarah Palin  laughs and says “Thats right, The Uno Shark is such an amazing product, Billy Mays had to rise from the dead just once to endorse it!!! now... PLAY US! Or die...”
	Once again... Britt facepalms and plays. Benedict Arnold sits down next to her and the game starts... you lost the game xD ANYWAY... Britt hits the button and it shoots 9 cards, Arnold hits it and it shoots 10 cards. Billy presses it and it shoots 3 cards. Sarah presses it and it shoots 4 cards and a bucket of fish sticks.
	The game ensues and its obvious from the get go that Billy and Sarah are cheating... so Benedict arnold shoots the ghost of Billy mays with a musket... and it has no effect. Britt keeps the game going and throws a “hit 4 times” card on Billy. He ends up with 2 extra cards. The game keeps going, Draw 2, Reverse, 7, green, Wild, Missionary! Its looking bad for Britt and Benedict... Suddenly out of nowhere the Hydra man comes out of nowhere and shoots the hut with fire, burning the hut down!
	Britt then takes the opportunity to perform emergency surgery on Sarah Palin, who is unconscious. She opens up Sarahs head and finds... a cowpie. She then says “NO WONDER SHE WOULDNT SHUT UP! SHES FULL OF SHIT!!!” Billy mays then comes down and says “Thank you for freeing me from the evil clutches of the eskimo lady. She wouldnt shut up and she made no sense at all! Now I am free to pitch products to God!!!” Billy then disappears. Benedict Arnold then sees a helicoptor and yells “GET TO THE CHOPPA!!!” Britt then grabs a stick and throws it saying “Here Arnold, Get the stick! Go get it! Good boy!” and returns to Pablo.
	Pablo looks at Britt and says “Thank you for saving us from the evil clutches of the bullshit brigadier. She would never shut up! Now... lets go home!!!”

Chapter 5: Brock's Shiny Boulders

	Britt comes back through the portal to King Jesus. Pablo joins his brothers next to King Mikey and starts praying. King Jesus walks up to Britt and says “You have done very well so far. Now its time for something a little more... Challenging. The world I am about to send you into does not exist in this dimension. Its something that you are very familiar with, however... it is in no way an easy task. Go now. Hes waiting...”
	King Jesus then opens the portal and Britt swan dives into it while screaming “UBERHAEGAN”. She emerges out the other side to see a... small creature. She knows that she has seen this creature before, but what is it? Its rosy cheeks. Its pointy ears. Its yellow face. Its jagged tail. Then it hits her... she jumps up in the air and yells “OHMYGAWD ITS A FUCKING PIKACHU!” The pikachu jumps and runs away in surprise.
	She watches the Pikachu run up to a caucasian boy. The boy picks it up and walks up to Britt. He then says “What the fuck are you scaring Shockrat for? Youre supposed to be HELPING me!” Britt looked at him and apologized. The boy shook his head and said “I take it you are the savior. My name is Pablo. You must help this world blah blah you get the fucking drill by now go help Brock with his meaningless task so I can go home and pray to my daddy... other daddy”
	Britt walks over to Brock and asks him whats up. Brick responds with “Im trying to breed a shiny! Please help?” Just as Britt agrees, a Golem walks up to her and begins humping her leg. Britt kicks it over and screams “WHAT IS IT WITH ALL THESE ROCK CREATURES HUMPING ME TODAY???” Brock responds with “oh thats just Boulder-Dash. Shes my latest creation. The worlds first homosexual pokemon!” Britt facepalms and says “... of course it is...”
	Brock goes inside his house with 2 Geodudes. When he leaves the house, the lights go off and a loud noise starts resonating from it. “push me... and then just touch me... till I can get my... satisfaction”  The pokemon begin doing the kind of stuff that only prince would sing about and Britt covers her ears to try to block out the sound of 2 Geodudes doing it reverse cowgirl style. She looks at brock and says “what the hell is wrong with you...” Brock looks at her and says “oh this is just foreplay. Just wait till they start breeding!” Britt shakes her head again and says “i liked it better when I fought the fucking hydra” She walks around trying to find anything that would make this next egg shiny. As the Geodudes start going at it like 2 men naked in a hot tub.
	Britt then remembers something... all this torment can easilly be avoided. She brings out her DS and turns it on. Brock asks what shes doing and she responds with “I HAVE POKESAV!” Brock gets all wide eyed and starts dancing around like a sleep deprived fairy tripping on crack and opiates. After tinkering around for a bit, she releases the Geodude egg from her DS and POOF! Its shiny. Britt runs back to Pablo without a moment to even say bye to Brock and warps back to King Jesus.
	King Jesus looks at Britt as the 4th Mikey Jesus baby walks over to King Mikey and starts praying. Britt looks at King Jesus and says “Okay... I got your 4 Mikey Jesus babies. Can I please have the golden socks of magical joy and happiness now? King Jesus hands Britt a glowing box and says “You have done well. Our kingdom has been saved. Please accept this gift as a token of our gratitude.” Britt opens the box and takes out the socks. Surprised, she looks at King Jesus and says “THESE ARE LEG WARMERS YOU ASSHOLE!” King Jesus then says “Nah im just fucking with you. We really have 10 kids. But 5 of them are on vacation in Freddie Mercury's underwear drawer Here is your next task...” Britt smacks her head with the box as King Jesus explains her Final mission...

Chapter 6: Underaged Balls of Fire

	King Jesus explains the final task to Britt. “Beyond this galaxy is a television studio that has done great things for your country.” Britt interrupts with “Wait... I gotta know... what are the names of the 5 Kids on vacation?” King Jesus answers with “Pablo, Pablo, Pablo, Pablo, and Pablo.” Britt says “I knew it...” King Jesus continues describing the mission. “You are to go to this studio and remove the single impurity from its forces to bring respect back to its name. Now... GO!” Britt jumps into the wormhole yelling “THIS IS FOR SOCK PUPPETS!!!”
	When she arrives at the studio, she meets up with a hispanic looking boy. She walks up to him and says “are you a Mikey Jesus Baby?” The boy responds with “Yes. My name is Craig. Welcome to Disney Studios. You must remove the single impurity in this studio.” Britt responds with “... The Jonas Brothers?” Craig replies with “no... worse... Miley Cyrus...” Britt shivers and says “... bring it on.”
	Britt charges into the studio only to see utter chaos. Micky mouse is in a cage. Pluto has been neutered. The Jonas Brothers are still so far in the closet that they can see narnia. Its total Pandemonium. Britt looks around trying to find what happened. And thats when she spots the problem. Miley Cyrus... right there in the middle of the studio... in a skintight leather suit... being spoiled by her dad.
	Britt hurries to Miley and says “Your reign of pop culture terror is over, princess!” Miley responds with “OH NO YOU DI'INT” and charges at her. Britt dodges her and gets in the epic karate stance, ready for battle. The fight ensues, With”Its a small world” looping in the background. Miley unleashes a slew of horrible Cyrus jokes on Britt. Britt falls to one knee and gets back up, throwing Budapest in the air, she yells “GET HER PEST!” Pest pulls a small gun out of its furry pocket and shoots small bits of catnip at Miley. Miley catches one in her mouth and says “HEY THAT DOESNT BELONG IN THERE!” and spits it back out. She then releases an extreme wave of high pitched noice which she declared was “singing”. Britt puts on earmuffs and yells “LULLX POWERS ACTIVATE!” She unleashes the fiery minty goodness at Miley. Miley takes it right to the face. She then stops singing and says “Oh Please... thats not the first time ive taken minty liquid to the face...” She then takes out her cell phone and says “yeah... come over... yes Dads gone... Bring the whip. Bye”
	A tall man who looks to be in his mid 20s breaks into the building and throws a whip at Miley. Miley catches it and points it at Britt saying “You have been a bad girl... you must be PUNISHED!” As Miley attacks, the mid 20s guy does too, Double teaming on Britt. All Britt can do is defend herself. Whip after punch after smack after bitchsla- “Oh that does it...” Britt says... She pulls something out of her pocket and attatches it to her right hand “Its Lullabye pimp time...” (btw Its a small world is still looping) She then winds up and SMACKS the man right in the face, knocking him out cold. Miley runs up to him to see if hes okay. She attempts to wake him up and fails. She then has one idea... Miley starts Unzipping the mans pants. Knowing how this story has gone so far, Britt turns around and covers her ears... also realizing this is the first piece of heterosexuality in this story. She turns back around just in time to see the man standing back up... only Taller and stronger than before. Miley swallows a mouthful of... something and starts floating in the air, shooting fireballs from her Boobs screaming “THOSE PICTURES WERE FAKE!” Britt looks all wide eyed  and runs away.
	Just then... out of nowhere... a super buffed out Benedict Arnold crashes through the ceiling. He looks at Britt and says “Heres Sub-Zero. Now Plain Zero” The 2 then look at Miley and her boyfriend and charge forward. Benedict Arnold takes out a huge machine gun with a belt of bullets, while chomping on a cigar, he fires away. Britt yells “LULLX POWERS ACTIVATE!” and fires the stream of fire and candy canes in the same general area. The smoke settles to see the boyfriend severely injured and Miley nearly defeated. Out of sheer desperation, Miley goes up to her boyfriend and under a cloud of smoke and moans, revives her boyfriend. Miley then rises into the air and begins the fireball assault again. The machine gun isnt working. The Minty fire isnt working! Britt thinks hard... and finally, she has it. As the boyfriend fires a huge blast of “i didnt sleep with her” bullshit, taking out Benedict Arnold, Britt sneaks up behind him and... jams an arsenic-laced muffin down his throat. The Boyfriend then says “HA! YOUR ALMOND MUFFINS WONT AFFECCT M-” and drops dead right there...
	Miley runs over to her boyfriend and tries hard to revive him, but to no avail. Just then... her stomach starts getting bigger. She says “w-w-what is this? Whats going on? no... NO... IT CANT BE! IM... IM PREGNANT!!!” She then tries to fly into the air and falls back down onto her back. Britt then walks up to her and says “Cap it before you tap it, ho” and pimpslaps her, taking her out finally. The impurity has been defeated. The entire studio cheers and is magically revived to a time before. Micky Mouse is jolly. Pluto is happy. The Jonas Brothers are... still in the closet taking pictures of  Aslan. Britt runs outside to see Craig smiling saying “Thank you! Now we can revive our daddy... the one thats sick... physically sick” They warp back to King Jesus in victory.

Chapter 7: Home Sweet Socks

	King Jesus looks at Britt and says “You have done well, chosen one. Now that all is right with the world, we can bring the rest of my children from vacation.” 5 caucasian boys come out of nowhere with thongs on their heads. All named Pablo. King Jesus looks at them and says “So... how was Freddie Mercury's underwear drawer?” Pablo says “It was... interesting. Theres a crotchless thong in there... and a see through one...” he looks at Pablo and says “Dude did you see those handcuffs?” Pablo looks over and says “I saw them! They were right next to the strawberry gel!” Pablo chips in and says “Yeah well I saw a small blowup doll shaped like Charlie Sheen” Pablo says “I saw that too Pablo, I looked at it and I threw Pablo at it. He hit me then Pablo told me to stop goofing off or Pablo is going to hit me in the nuts again”
	The boys walk over to King Mikey. All 10 Mikey Jesus babies  stand in a circle and mumble something. All of a sudden, a cup appears next to king Mikey. He drinks it and says... “mmm that was some good tea. Im all cured! Thanks kids!” Britt says “So magic tea was the cure?” King Jesus says “No, that wasnt magic tea, it was Lipton tea. Britt smacks her head and says “wait wait... I COULD HAVE SAVED THE WORLD WITH A TRIP TO WALMART!” King Jesus then says “Yeah... but it was fun watching you” and hands her the golden socks of magical joy and happiness. Britt takes them and warps back to her house. She tells her mom what just happened and her mom says “... you were talking to that gay kid on the computer again werent you...”
	Britt goes back to her room to finish getting ready for school. She puts on the golden socks of magical joy and happiness. Theyre so soft and comfy. She never wants to take them off again. She walks around in them a little. They dont bunch up, they arent too tight, too loose. They are the perfect height. The perfect socks! Britt then looks around only to realize... SHE CANT FIND HER SHOES! *Dun Dun Duuuuun*

The End...?