wazzah's tale

          What actually happened

Enter: Wazzah555. He stands seven feet tall, broad-shouldered and handsome. Rippling muscles spread manfully from his huge frame. Wazzah wears a simple monk’s robe, beneath which a massive, flowing bulge can be seen. He is in every respect, the epitome of an alpha male, in the flowering prime of his manhood. Wazzah555 strides down the dusty road willfully, for he has been called by the pope to his great chapel. There, unbeknownst to him, Wazzah555 will receive both a well-earned Nobel Peace Award, and knighthood, for his many honorable exploits against the weaboo barbarians in the South.
Orphans play about Wazzah555. He smiles at them, radiating purity and sympathy.

Orphans: “Mister!, mister! Come play with us!”. You look like you could be so much fun, and definitely not a pedophile or sexual deviant in any way!”

Wazzah555 raises a gentle hand, smiling lightly, in a completely platonic way.

Wazzah555: “Please, fair children, I am busy today! Tomorrow, I may have time to make merry, but for now, I must make haste! The Church has summoned me, and I am due to be there by night fall.”

 The children give a great cry of disappointment, yet Wazzah555 quiets them with his booming, hearty laugh.
Wazzah555: “Fear not, little ones, whom I cherish dearly, yet have no sexual interest in whatsoever! For though I cannot stay and frolic with you, I have with me delightful gifts from all sorts of wonderful, grownup places, come and see!”

With this, Wazzah555 draws from his rustic robe a simple haversack. The leather bag was in fact filled with Wazzah555’s own traveling rations, yet he kneels happily, distributing all that he has among the squealing and clapping orphans with a saintly smile.

Orphans: “Oh! What wonderful edibles! How grateful we are to you! Please tell us, blessed sir, what is your name?”

Wazzah555 smiles at the children, without any form of sexual context whatsoever. He begins to speak, but is cut short.

A harsh, unpleasant voice barks sharply. It comes from behind Wazzah555, around a bend in the dusty road. Wazzah555 turns, and stands, hearing the beating of horses’ hooves. He shepherds the excited orphans to the side of the pass
Manister, a member of the King’s Moderator’s Court drives his trembling horse at a terrible pace. He whips them mercilessly, for he has been searching for Wazzah555. Manister was driven into a jealous fury when he heard of Wazzah555’s future Nobel Peace Prize and knighthood. He sought to sabotage Wazzah555’s good fortune in any way possible.

At Manister’s flanks are two riders upon black horses. Both keep their faces hidden behind hooded cloaks. The trio pounds the dust as they gallop at a blistering pace.

Manister: “RRREEE mvoe u stupid horse! I have 2 reach hte court by nightfall or I won’t get any hentai 4 supper! We gotta find the Wazz! He’s gotta cum dis way!”
Manister and his horsemen round the corner, nearly trampling the orphans. Manister immediately recognizes wazzah555.

Manister: “$top u idiotz!”

Manister checks his panting mount, and inspects Wazzah555 and the orphans. The children stare at him with wide, fearful eyes.

Manister leans toward the closest child, grinning wickedly. Scaring children is one of his favorite pastimes, outside of counting tax money.

Manister: “Nice ballz nigga”.

The child blanches, and tears begin to run down his cheeks. He scurries behind Wazzah555.

Wazzah555: “Good evening, lords! Might I ask where you are headed on this lonely road?”

Manister: “Fak u, bich. I hate u. Kys. U under arrest, by order of his Majesty high court.”

Wazzah555: “Excuse me? I don’t understand. I have committed no crime. I was traveling to the church by the request of the pope.”

Manister curls his lip in contempt

Manister:”blow me cnut. Don’t talk bac. Prepare u anus, donkey boy.”

Manister gestures to his cloaked riders, who dismount and approach Wazzah555 menacingly.

Rider 1: “Owo”

Rider 2: “OwO”

Wazzah555 frowns, glancing at the children. From the minute he saw the horsemen, he knew them for what they were: weaboo champions from the South. Why such creatures would be in consort with a member of the King’s court, he knew not.

Wazzah555 reaches slowly for the hilt of his unmatched and legendary blade.
Wazzah555: “Manister, What is the meaning of this? Your allies stink of anime. Such filth are not allowed beyond the boundaries of the kingdom.”

The riders begin to hiss and whistle angrily, like teakettles and serpents.

Rider 1: “Owo”

Rider 2: “owo”

Manister: “HUEHEUHEU FOOL! U stupid. Hte king stupid. Everyone real stupid! Everyone is allow 2 they own opinion on what htey leik. With powerful allie leik this, I cn rule hole world! HUEHUEHUE.”

Manister gestures to his veiled riders.

“Ascendancy_Roma, Xeno’s_Arts, attack!”

Ascendency_Roma: “owo”

 Xeno’s_Arts:”owo”

The terrible weebs close with Wazzah555, intent upon his life, shrieking for blood. The orphans scatter, fleeing to the forest for succor

Wazzah555 stands his ground, scowling. He wishes for more space to maneuver, yet he is all that stands between the monstrous weebs and the orphans. He dares not to leave them to the murderous intent of the enemy.

*The battle began swiftly, pitched and terrible. Wazzah555 was outnumbered, and armed only with his legendary blade, Anime Sux
As metal beats upon metal, Wazzah555 is slowly driven back, toward the shadows of the forest. Sweat gathers at his brow, for he is outnumbered, and his opponents are both renowned in battle, deadly in their own rights.

Manister: “YEEHAW! Kill hte stupid big dick gayboy. He trash!”

Wazzah555, seeing that the orphans will soon be in danger, surges forward with such speed that it was amazing to see. He picks up the closest weeb to him, and hurls the unfortunate creature through the treetops.

The remaining weeb, seeing the tides of battle turn so suddenly, shrieks to the heavens and leaps from its cloak, growing into a terrible dragon with an insubstantial body like smoke.*

Rider 2: “O W O”

The ground trembles and pitches wildly. Cracks snake deafeningly through the forest. Trees topple to the earth, ruined.

Manister blanches, trembling in abject fear. For though a traitor he was, the poor man did not until know the nature of his bedfellows. He was nought but a greedy moderator. Weaboos, merely a small denomination of the great host of the servants of evil, could twist and disguise themselves at will.

Such monsters had no interest in Manister, with his temporary gold and prestige. Their kind seeks ever to take and devour, destroy and tear.
Rider 2: “OoWwOo”

A mighty river of searing flame leaps from the great dragon, and the sky grows pale. Even the lofty clouds are driven away! Such is the power of the strongest weebs!

See how Wazzah555, the lone knight, quails not! Even before the terrible beast of dread, he holds aloft Anime Sux and gives battle!

*The clash was deafening, as both sides drew together in a swift and deadly rush. Anime sux flashed! The weeb roared and beat the air with vast wings!*

*Wazzah555 leans upon Anime sux, panting. Blood runs down his handsome brow. Before him lies the corpse of the terrible weeb, slain at last! The unharmed orphans return from the forest, singing the praises of their mighty hero! Wazzah555 turns to them, smiling as best he can through the pain of his wounds, and no sexual attraction whatsoever.*

However, such a wholesome and platonic sight stirred not the stone heart of Manister.

Manister, recovering from his terror, rises from the ground, for his horse had been driven to madness by the mighty dragon, and fled.

He spits in disgust

Manister: “Fkn hax, 1v1 me in roblox, looser.”

He cackles wickedly.

Manister: “Yew had better hurry along 2 hte church. Did u think I had only one plan? FOOL. U will see how cool i am I faking scrub.”

With this, Manister turns and flees down the road, terrified of Wazzah555 and his mighty sword.

Wazzah555: “Leave me now, fair children! I must be going to the pope, for he will be expecting me shortly!”

Orphans: “Oh valorous knight! We could not allow one such as yourself, wounded for our sakes, to walk all the way to the city! Wait for us but a minute, and we will fetch you one of the swiftest steeds our village has to offer. For once the viceroy of our village sees the corpse of this terrible dragon, he will surely give you far more than this out of the gratitude of his heart.”
Wazzah555: “Very well, I shall wait. I thank you for your kindness; sweet and tender children, that are not sexually stimulating in any way!”

*The orphans run swiftly toward their village, leaving Wazzah555 for a short while. Soon they return with the village viceroy. He leads a sleek, white horse. A powerful steed who could outrun even the swiftest swallows of late summer.

Viceroy: “My my! Look at the great and terrible weeb! We saw the pillar of fire of our village, but I never expected to see but one man standing over the corpse of this monster! We are in your debt, kindly knight!”

*Wazzah555 leaps upon the animal, and exchanges courteous words with the viceroy, and explains his errand.”

Wazzah555: “I must ride in haste, for the pope must not be kept waiting! Farewell dearest children! Courteous viceroy! Live happily and well for many years to come!”

Viceroy and orphans: “We love you, Wazzah555!”

Wazzah and his new steed storm toward the pope’s cathedral. They arrive before nightfall, just as the first stars began shivering in the deepening dusk.

Wazzah555 checks his horse at the gate. He frowns suspiciously. The cathedral gate, once a place of song, gardens, and welcome stands silent and cold. The flowers are all withered, and a deep, stinking smog hangs over the church. Wazzah555 draws his naked blade.
At last, a clump of guardsmen appears behind the bars.

Wazzah555 does not recognize these men. The familiar and cheery guards that held the gate in happier days were gone. They are of the proud and violent race of the South. The Southerners had been displaced by the dark armies of the Anime Lord and his creatures of terror. Most frequently, they could be found enlisting their swords in the kingdoms of the North and East.

Enter: Captain of the Guard

He is a broad and swarthy man, distinguishable from his men only by a red plume at his helm. He studies Wazzah555 grimly.

Captain of the Guard: “That is the man! Seize him!”

Wazzah555: “Gentlemen! What is the meaning of this? I have committed no crime. I have been summoned here by the pope.”

Captain of the Guard: “I know nothing but my orders, sir knight. Ye must put aside your sword, or perish.”

Wazzah555: “If by relinquishing my blade, I may speak to the pope, then I will gladly comply.”

Captain of the Guard: “Yes, I am to take you to him. However, the nobleman Manister was to be your escort. I do not see him.”

Wazzah555: “I met him upon the road. I was attacked by weaboos and he fled.”

The Captain of the Guard frowns deeply. He was slow to trust other men. Yet the race of men in the South have ever despised anime with a fervent passion. He notices Wazzah555’s wounds, and decides to trust the handsome, wholesome looking knight.

Wazzah555 hands his sword to the captain of the Guard, who accepts it graciously. The two pass under the gateway, and enter the cathedral. Wazzah555 is flanked by twenty armed guards.
The guards bring Wazzah555 to the pope’s chamber. He pushes aside the ancient oaken doors, and enters alone.

Wazzah555 is stricken with grief. The pope, a man that he knew to be a cheerful man, looked wan and sick. He leans sadly in his ornate seat, and does not notice Wazzah555 until he calls.

The pope starts.

Pope: “Wazzah555! It gladdens my soul to see you again! I wish only that we could have been met under happier circumstances. For though at first I had summoned you to receive honor, and a Nobel Peace Prize, I now have no more power than an insect.”

Wazzah555 begins to speak, but the old man raises a hand.

Pope: You are hereby excommunicated from the holy mother church, Wazzah555.

Wazzah555 turns pale, much to the sorrow of the old pope.

The man, leans forward, and a shudder runs through him.

Pope: “Alas, a dark day! Forgive me, greatest and most honorable of knights! I have been given but this one task, for the kingdom is no longer mine to help. I am but a puppet of anime now. My son! My son! They have taken my boy! This country is in the grasp of the enemy, Wazzah555.”
The pope glances about the room, his eyes wild like a starving man’s.”

Pope: “I do not see that moderator, Manister. Perhaps he has been destroyed by his monstrous consorts. That foul traitor! God has ordained that I could speak with you alone. I ask if you this one favor, for I have nothing to give you in return. Save my son! My only son that I cherish in my old age! He is being held hostage in catacombs under the cathedral! A great beast of anime looms by him, and will kill him if I disobey them!”

Wazzah555’s face is darkened by anger. It is a terrible wrath, one that shakes the entire church with its huge presence.

Wazzah555: “You have my word, pope.”

Wazzah555: “Come out, you foul monsters! I will not stand for slinking, cowardly spies!”

The pope blanches, and screams in terror. Dark, oozing shapes of anime slither from the shadows above his throne. The old man runs to the side of Wazzah555.

Wazzah555 is surrounded on all sides by anime. They snarl and hiss, snapping at him in the dark with burning eyes.
Wazzah555: “Alas! I am unarmed! Still, I will give the bards reason to remember our names with these my only hands. Run, pope! I will hold back the enemy!”

The pope watches wazzah555 tearfully, then runs from the chamber.

Anime closes about Wazzah555

Anime: “OWO”

Wazzah555 whirls about the dark ring of anime, hurling blows with the strength of an ox. The anime is dismayed, shrieking in horrible wrath, yet dispute its vast numbers, they cannot bring him down.

As Wazzah555 fights, the pope runs down the ancient corridors of the church with all of his waning strength. Gasping for air, he reaches the Captain of the Guard, who blinks at him in surprise.

Pope: *Bring Anime Sux with you, and swiftly! Anime is in the cathedral! Wazzah555 is alone and locked in fierce and unequal combat! Hurry to him!*

The Captain of the Guard shouts to his men. They sprint towards the pope’s chamber.

Hot blood runs down Wazzah555’s face. Twisted corpses of broken anime lie all about his feet, yet the hordes of evil seem endless.
The Captain of the Guard and his men enter the room. The Captain throws Anime Sux to Wazzah555.

Captain of the Guard: “By his eminence the pope! What is the meaning of this madness? To Wazzah555, men! The anime has returned!”

Enter: Hentai, the Dark Anime Lord.

Hentai claps slowly, emerging from tangible darkness. Each impact of his hands ringing among the swirling darkness and heresy. The anime retreats behind him. Hentai, a giant that stands over thirty feet tall, glides across the church. Terror broods beneath his vast cloak, and the men behind Wazzah555 quail.

Wazzah555 senses that he has met a formidable opponent.

Hentai: “Magnificent! At last we meet, honorable sir Wazzah555, bane of all my servants! I have come to destroy you at last!”

Wazzah555: “Hentai!”

Hentai: “Wazzah555!”

The two draw together and give terrible battle that was amazing to see. Endless waves of anime surge from behind Hentai to assail the men of the Guard.

Stone pillars and ornate tiles crumble and burst beneath Nick and Wazzah555 as they cross their fabled blades in the heart of the church.

The sound of battle is deafening. The Guard begins to become overwhelmed.

Sweat beads on Wazzah555’s brow.
Darkness begins to fill the cathedral.

Hentai: “It is useless, Wazzah555! I cannot die! My hordes of anime cringe will blot out the sun!”

Wazzah555: “Never!”

With a scream of metal upon metal, Nick’s sword soars end over end, and buried itself into the cathedral floor. A spiderweb of cracks races away from the huge weapon.

Hentai: “Impossible!”

Wazzah555 approaches. Anime Sux shines brightly in the dark.

Wazzah555: “When will you ever learn, Dark Lord? Anime never wins. The light will shine though despite all the smog you may vomit into the sky.”

Hentai: “I am defeated. Name your price of me, Wazzah555.”

Wazzah555: “Return the pope’s son.”

Hentai: “It is done.”

The Dark Lord snaps his fingers, a young lad appears at his side. He sees his old father, trembling in the doorway, and flees to his robes, sobbing.

Hentai: “Kill me. I have at last had my long-awaited taste of defeat”.

Wazzah555: “Pick up your sword.”

Hentai heaves his cursed blade from the floor, and the two draw together in one final clash.

Anime Sux flashes through the night.

Hentai falls to the floor, cloven in two. Holy fire blazes from the fatal wound.

Anime shrieks, dismayed at the fall of their mighty lord. They flee the cathedral in a deafening rush of black wings, never to be seen in the Northern Kingdoms again.
Enter: Guy Fieri.

Guy Fieri: “Wazzah555! It’s me, Guy Fieri! That was incredible! You have saved the entire kingdom! I am so impressed and proud of you!”

Wazzah555: “Thank you, Guy Fieri! I have admired you for many years!”

Guy Fieri: “Yet I admire you even more, Wazzah555! I’ve travelled all the way from the West to come and be your squire!”

Wazzah555: “That’s wonderful news!”

*All present are warmed in their hearts as Wazzah555 and Guy Fieri kiss in a completely non-homoerotic way, as a symbol of knightly companionship.

Pope: “It’s over! You’ve saved the kingdom! How can we ever repay you, Wazzah555?”

Scurrying footsteps echo in the hall. Someone is running toward the center of the church.

Manister bursts into the room, panting. He gasps for awhile, then straightens, leering at Wazzah555. He flourishes a scroll, limp and soiled in Manister’s sweat. He laughs cruelly.

Manister: “Look, Wazzah555! U faking rtard! This whole time i been running to see hte king. I told him what a bich u and th pope r. He banished you both from OFTD Discord forever!”

Wazzah frowns at Manister, and he quails. The document does indeed bear the King’s official golden seal. A wail rises from the Pope and his son. The guardsmen scowl.
Wazzah555 sighs deeply

Manister gestures to the entryway. Pikemen in the King’s livery file into the navel of the church, surrounding Wazzah555 and the pope.

Pope’s son: “Father!”

Pope: “What is the meaning of this?”

Manister: “Fak u. Stfu old bich. I’m in charge noaw. Wazzah555, pope, both of u gtfo 4ever. I’m the best, HEUHEUHEU!”

Wazzah555 simply smiles, looking profoundly into the beauty of the church. Even the Kong’s soldiers shed tears for his plight.

Wazzah555: “Come, Guy Fieri! Let us be off! Someday, I may return, but this is goodbye for now, dearest pope, loyal guardsmen of the church!”

Everyone besides Manister: “Farewell, Wazzah555 and Guy Fieri, his loyal squire! You’re both way cooler than Manister in every way!”

Guy Fieri and Wazzah look deeply into each others’ eyes as they leave the ruined church, and step into the sunlight.

Guy Fieri: “No homo.”

Wazzah555: “No homo.”

A new adventure begins, as and ancient evil is defeated, as destroyed. Who knows what wrongs and monsters Wazzah555 and Guy Fieri, his loving squire, will lay low?