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ACRe Synopsis

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  1. Alright, the TV is fixed this time, so no more shenanigans will happen on my watch (please?). So, let’s play some ACR— erm, ACRe (DAE imperial unit of measurement? DAE AC1?)
  3. And lo, t’was upon the fourth game when the voices from Ubisoft Montreal rang out in a beautiful song, and onto the world did they sing, with their voices… in a song. A glorious chord struck they, and in unison proclaimed they: “Let there be DARBY!”
  4. #DarbyParty
  6. Huh, so the big fancy E3 trailer is also the opening cutscene. Ok… I guess? Oh, we’re in Masyaf. that’s also cool I guess. Why is there a spooky ghost climbing right next to me? /u/FreddieGristwood? is that you? This game is fucking weird.
  8. Hello players, how are you? Fantastic. Does your Assassin look like Darby? No. Can he smell like Darby? Yes! Should he use Vecchio Spezia Body Wash? I don’t know. Do you like the smell of adventure? Do you want an Assassin who smells like he could get you a gourmet Apple of Eden in the dream Masyaf citadel he kicked a gargoyle off of for you with his own feet? Of course you do. SWAN DIVE! Into the best Altair’s Secret Library of your life. So players, should your Assassin smell like a Vecchio Spezia man? You tell me. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtF13U5t8xE)
  9. Yeah, this game is weird.
  11. The door to the library is locked. Ah well, game over, GG everyone, see you in Revolutionary America. PLOT TWIST: The game continues because we still have 25 hours to fill.
  13. On a boat, Ezio is jamming out to some classic Queen, and then he looks across the bow and he’s all like “I see a little silhouetto of some tits.” Also red hair. Double boner.
  14. Perpetual teasing of tits— check. Red hair— check.  Alright folks, this is now officially an Assassin’s Creed game. Also the heir to the Sultanate is on a random-ass boat with a bunch of peasants. Minus 10 points to realism. Oh wait, nevermind, it makes sense because Sulieman is one of those lame princes who actually cares about people. Hah, NERD! (http://i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/009/855/35xyux.jpg)
  16. “Ezio, my name is Yusuf Tazim, and I don’t die at the end of the game, stop asking. Seriously, stop. Please.”
  17. “Hi Lothario, my name is Piri Reis. I make bombs and I’m a flaming racist who clearly knows your name but butchers it anyway.”
  19. “The hookblade has two parts, the hook, and the Nick Cage meme” (http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0kdnupTT31qzjoy8o1_400.png)
  21. Arnob and Ellie ain’t got shit on the sexual tension between Ezzy and Sofia Sartits. Seriously, watch this video, listen to the dialogue, and bask in the shit ton of innuendo and eye-banging going on. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrPhN8Yfu40 I could re-write the entire script of ACRe to be complete with the sick, sick things Ezzerz is thinking, but I don’t have the time nor the space to write all of it. Just watch the first 5 minutes from that video and you’ll know exactly what I’m getting at.
  23. Duccio’s all like “Ey bbe, u wan sum fuk?” and then he felt something behind him. It was Eztrogen! He was punching Duccio in the cock! Still as satisfying 30 years later.
  24. Kill the guys in the multi player because hey look it’s the guys from the multiplayer. Also the Deacon is always the third guy you check. Joke’s on you, fuckwit.
  26. E-cig wants to get some books to get some disks to go look at a library full of more books. This game is weird.
  28. At least Easy A has a sense of humor about the piles of bodies he’s stacked up over the past two games (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjXrTZiczmg)
  30. Have fun with tower defense, and by that I mean fuck you lol bye.
  32. Go pick some flowers for mrs Sartits because Uncharted had part of the game set in a town where all you did was pet yacks, so I guess pacing is a thing now.
  34. Altair does some cool random shit but his voice is different now so 0/1, wors gam evr.
  36. Ezio killed an innocent general, burned down part of the Turkish navy, and blew up a city, but we don’t talk about that so shut your whore mouth.
  38. “Dear Claudia, about to fuck the shit out of Sofia. K bye”
  40. “Dear Claudia, about to stab a fat greek guy. K bye”
  42. The 2014 Emmy Awards rushes to save Sofia, and falls for the old “person who he thought was the right person was really just a different person cleverly disguised as the person who he thought was the right person”
  44. Go through a random town by flying around a parachute attached to a rope attached to a cart why don’t you.
  45. The laws of physics agree that these fucksticks are fighting in the air for way to damn long.
  46. Random other guy shows up and tossed ahmet the fuck off of the mountain, then says some bullshit and then just kinda leaves. This game is weird.
  48. Madame Sartits and Ezzcape-pod take a trip back to Masyaf because something something something Library that everyone forgot about.
  50. Ezio explains that Assassin’s Creed, to him, means that things change, and we are the ones who can enact that change, so long as we are brave enough to take action and live with the repercussions of those actions— in short: We can all do amazing things if we put our minds to it. No jokes here, that’s just important to mention because it’s pretty cool.
  52. “No books. No wisdom. WTF is this shit? I was promised a whole goddamn library, and this is just a bunch of empty fucking SHELVES, an— oh, right, secret door revealing an apple of eden. Right. Good call Alt-F4.”
  54. Some bullshit was going on with Dezo-Arigato Mr Robato, but since I wrote that thing last week I’m pretending like it all never happened.
  56. Also Lucy is a Trumpeteer. You wouldn’t know that unless you played the obscure DLC no one played.
  58. Drazzers wakes up from his stupid coma right outside of the grand temple in upstate NY. How the internet didn’t guess Colonial America as the next setting earlier is confusing.
  60. DarbyMcDevitt/Redheads
  61. -Best writer ever, worst game ever made.
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