Beach Bum Anon Chapter 1: Pissing and Screaming

Sep 5th, 2016
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  1. >The taste of bile coats your tongue
  2. >You keel over in pain and piss all over your shirt and pants
  3. >A weak stream of sour vomit dribbles down your chin as you regain your composure and empty out the rest of your bladder
  4. >You had a good spot where the bulls couldn't see you piss or shit in this alley, since it was tighter than most and rarely trafficked
  5. >Not to mention the piles of garbage you could hide behind
  6. >Regalado seems to not give a shit about the ghettos, which was fine by you
  7. >Makes bumming in Miami a whole lot easier
  8. >The pain fades and you wipe the foulness off your chin with your grimy shirt sleeve
  9. >The button on your pants had fallen off last summer, so you had to close it up with a few safety pins
  10. >Except the holes you made for them have worn too far through and they slip right off
  11. >You giggle at your minor misfortune and look around for something to use as a belt before deciding to abandon the pants altogether
  12. >Too hot for that shit anyways
  13. >You ball it up and toss it on a roof so some other lowlife doesn't find the clothes as easy pickings and try to claim your shitting alley
  14. >Now clad from the bottom down in only work boots and stained white briefs, you peek around the corner to check the foot traffic
  15. >It's 3-something at night, or at least that's your best guess, so you'll have plenty of cover
  16. >Some loon in a mismatched suit is meandering on your way
  17. >He looks disheveled, so probably doesn't have much cash on him
  18. >Although he looks like he might just barely tread the line of eccentric addict, so maybe he might have something on him you can sell or take for yourself
  19. >Which is just as good as nabbing a tourist with a full wallet
  20. >You crouch down in your filth, ready to pounce
  21. >One hand is on a kitchen knife tucked away in your gilet
  22. >The other is ready to grab this nigga by the shirt collar and take him off the sidewalk and into your domain
  23. >For a long while you hear only the sound of passing cars, distant sirens and the man's footsteps
  24. >You see a foot move past your corner and spring into action like a goddamn tiger
  25. >King of the jungle, baby
  27. >Your hand catches nothing and without the support you expected you fall flat on your face and feel a sharp pain in your chest
  28. >You scramble to your feet and notice that suddenly you're on a floating platform in the middle of a Lovecraftian hellscape
  29. >Which is weird, because you don't remember taking any hallucinagens in the past month or so
  30. >It's been all meth, all the time baby
  31. >You also don't remember taking so much you'd slip into psychosis, though
  32. >So this is definitely out of place
  33. >You sure don't feel high
  34. >"Ah-ha! Just the kind of man I've been looking for!"
  35. >You look towards the voice and whip out your knife towards the source
  36. >It comes out already slick with blood
  37. >Not a good sign
  38. >You've gone and stabbed yourself
  39. >Again
  40. >Once more you cackle at your own incompetence
  41. >"That's the spirit! Show me a smile!"
  42. >You cock your head at the serpentine figure the voice originates from
  43. >And you show him your best stage grin
  44. >You haven't seen a mirror lately, but last time you were missing more than a few teeth and the rest looked nearly black
  45. >Suddenly you're knocked off your feet again
  46. >This time into a chair though
  47. >The voice laughs, and you laugh with it
  48. >As much as laughing hurts
  49. >"Let's get down to business, shall we?"
  50. >The noodle monster swirls into a tornado and is suddenly wearing some kind of suit
  51. >Not like the one the man from the sidewalk was wearing
  52. >No, this one was a black pinstripe, something you'd expect a 50's detective to wear
  53. >Or those dudes out of 12 Angry Men
  54. "Whatever you say bossman."
  55. >You're tripping balls right now
  56. >Maybe you went out to town with Eddie again
  57. >Shit always hits the fan when Eddie's around
  58. >It feels too real though, in a way, none of the typical euphoria you get with this kind of thing
  59. >You need to tell him how pitiful this garbage is
  60. >Whatever it is
  61. >"You have a problem. Multiple problems, in fact. Including the golf-ball sized tumor in your prostate."
  62. "Wait wait wait, last time I had it checked it was as big as a pea-"
  63. >"A lot can happen in four years, Anon. But none of that matters now."
  64. >A desk appears between you and he slides over a piece of parchment covered in Hebrew or something
  65. >"I am giving you the chance of a lifetime. The chance to start all over again."
  66. >You cock an eyebrow
  67. "What makes you think I want to live a whole damn life again? I'm gettin to the end with this one here, why would I want to start over?"
  68. >"Because this time you'll be able to do a whole myriad of things you could never do here. It will be quite the /magical/ experience!"
  69. >He winks and nudges you with a disembodied elbow after that last part, but whatever he's implying is lost on you
  70. >You're taking this way too seriously, you need to just go with the flow
  71. >You reach for the paper to see that a quill is already in your hand
  72. >On the big line marked 'sign here' you draw a crude dick and giggle to yourself
  73. >So, what am I signing up for, noodle man?
  74. >"The name's Discord, partner, and you just struck the most important deal of either of your lives!"
  75. >The fuck is that supposed to mean
  76. "The fuck is that supposed to mean?"
  77. >You catch a glimpse of noodle man swinging a large stick at your face
  78. >Pain, and then blackness
  80. >When you wake, the first thing you notice is that you feel...
  81. >...good
  82. >Not high good, or aroused good
  83. >Just good
  84. >For the first time in a long time
  85. >Your stomach is calm, your sinuses are clear, there's no constant pain in your ass
  86. >Your gums don't ache, breathing doesn't hurt, your scalp doesn't itch
  87. >And your whole body feels clean
  88. "Fuck me Eddie, I take it all back. This shit is the bee's knees."
  89. >Something smacks against the side of your head
  90. >"Did you not read the agreement at all?"
  91. >It's noodle man
  92. >You're laying on a metal table in the middle of a dark room
  93. >And there is a fucking floodlight pointed at your face
  94. "Urgh... I probably might have, if I was a jew."
  95. >He taps his chin with a bird-like talon, considering your words
  96. >"No matter, I think you will learn just fine on your own. But for now-"
  97. >He smacks the floodlight and suddenly the whole room is illuminated, revealing rows and rows of standing mirrors
  98. >"-Have a look at you BRAND NEW BODY!"
  99. >Mirrors creep you the fuck out
  100. >They got voodoo shit going on in them, man
  101. >Aint' fucking natural
  102. >You scramble backwards, barely getting a glance at the tiny green horse staring at you from the reflections
  104. >Almost immediately you fall off the edge and slam your head hard against the linoleum floor
  105. >Discord breaks into a fit of hysteria while you dart off in the opposite direction of the demon glass
  106. >You reach the other side of the room, which is just a pure white wall
  107. >Turning around, you can now see the mirrow rows extending into infinity
  109. >You haven't been this terrified since you accidentally walked into that funhouse mirror maze and got lost for three hours
  110. >But it doesn't look like this can be solved by breaking shit and screaming until the cops have to come throw you out
  111. >As you continue in your unbroken scream, Discord approaches, clearly annoyed
  112. >"Okay Anon, fun's over. You can stop now."
  113. >You collapse in the floor and huddle into a ball
  114. >"Goodness me Anon, what's all this fuss over?"
  115. >Still screaming, you point a hoof towards the mirrors
  116. >He sighs, and with a snap of his fingers they are gone
  117. >Leaving you to catch your breath as you rock yourself back and forth
  118. >Mirrors are fucking creepy
  120. >Some time passes before you finally calm the fuck down
  121. >There's a constant sting on your cheek from Discord smacking your face with a newspaper every time you swore
  122. >You didn't protest, fearing the wrath of the fiendish mirror maker
  123. >You take a final deep breath and collapse backwards, spread-eagle on the floor
  124. >You notice that the scenery has changed
  125. >You are now in some mismatched, colorful fever dream of an Escher house
  126. >Floating furniture, windows in the floor, upside down stairs, etc etc
  127. >Kinda like that art expo back in Cali
  128. >The one where you tried to mug a security guard and vomited on his chest when he went to throw you out
  129. >Noodle man has sprawled himself out over a winged couch and seems to have taken notice of your sudden tranquility
  130. >"Are you done yet? Or do you need a minute?"
  131. >He asks sarcastically
  132. >You open your mouth to talk but he poofs in front of your face and places a finger over your mouth
  133. >"Forget I asked, I don't really care."
  134. "O-okay man, I'm ready for this shit to wear off."
  135. >WHACK
  136. >Despite smacking you in the face again, Discord shows no malice on his face
  137. >Rather, it shows confusion
  138. >"What do you mean? The deal is forever."
  139. >You roll your eyes and sigh
  140. >"...Anyways, enough of that. You've held us up long enough as it is. My schedule is very tight, you know, so all this time wasted has really put me in a bind."
  141. "Do I care?"
  142. >He ignores your remark and snaps is talons
  143. >An iron-chained pendant appears around your neck
  144. >You're also now standing
  145. >The sudden change gave you vertigo, and you are surprised you don't hurl
  146. >"This is a special little item of mine which will let me see everything you see."
  147. >You fake a yawn to show your disinterest
  148. >"More importantly, it can guess when you're about to use profanity, or spill the beans on your true identity, and automatically 'correct' you."
  149. "Why the fFF-"
  150. >Your entire body feels like it's being tazed
  151. >Every inch from your balls to your teeth
  152. >The sensation only lasts a second, but it's a second too long
  153. >Discord chuckles at your scream of agony
  154. >Your muscles give out and you collapse back onto the ground
  155. >"I think I've told you enough. You'll figure out the rest, you're a clever man."
  156. "W-why can't I tell anyone about my real identity?"
  158. >He's gone
  159. >So is his fever dream of a house
  160. >In fact, you see nothing around you but blue
  161. >And you've got this intense feeling of falling
  162. >You look down to notice your rapid approach to the ground
  163. >Holy fucking shitfuck, you've gotta be just entering the stratosphere
  164. >An orange haze envelops your body and you feel the most intense heat you've ever felt in your life
  165. "WHAT THE F-"
  166. >The full-body taser wracks you with pain
  167. >Your screams turn into an incoherent mess as your death grows ever-closer
  168. >You had to admit, you didn't actually want to die
  169. >You just wanted to play hard-to-get with the sentient noodle
  170. >Just to be a facetious asshole
  171. >You're pretty sure you shat yourself at some point in the fall
  172. >Good thing you weren't wearing clothes
  173. >The fall feels like it's extending into infinity
  174. >You're pretty sure you're well past terminal velocity
  175. >And yet the ground seems to be staying in the same spot
  176. >Your bones feel like they are being crushed by five-ton weights
  177. >There's a sudden pain in your belly as your stomach inflates like a balloon
  178. >Your gut bursts open with a pop that is audible even over the rushing wind and crackling fire around you
  179. >Just as you reach down to clutch it, you cover the distance between you and the earth in almost an instant
  180. >You close your eyes, expecting death
  182. >But it never comes
  183. >Your ears are ringing and your body aches
  184. >But right now you're either alive or in hell
  185. >Maybe purgatory
  186. >Or even heaven
  187. >You cautiously open a single eyelid
  188. >Is purgatory supposed to be this colorful?
  189. >You look around to see yourself in the center of a massive crater in the road of a medieval-looking village
  190. >Everything looks way too bright and happy to be medieval, though
  191. >Four pastel horses are scattered about the cobblestone road you've crashed in to
  192. >They all stare at you with looks of disbelief
  193. >One of them, a purple one with wings and a horn, breaks out of her bewildered stupor and rushes towards you
  194. >"Sweet Celestia, are you okay? What happened to you?"
  195. >You look down at your hooves
  196. >Other than being covered in dirt, they're fine
  197. >Upon further inspection, the rest of your body is in a similar state
  198. >Holy shit you're alive
  199. >You start to laugh, much to the surprise of purple
  200. >You're alive
  201. >God's balls, you're alive
  202. >The words keep repeating in your mind, and each time you only laugh harder
  203. >Just a few moments ago you were entirely certain that you were going to die
  204. >But here you are
  205. >"Are you... okay?"
  206. >She repeats
  207. >You stop laughing to process the words for a moment
  208. >Only to start back up in full force
  209. >One of the horses, this one pink, is at your side in an instant, one of her legs wrapped around your back
  210. >And she's laughing with you
  211. >The rest just stand and stare like autists
  212. >Another pony appears out of nowhere
  213. >Literally
  214. >A sudden flash and she's in the center of the road
  215. >"Twilight! I've everypony to the castle, how are things with the ursa going?"
  216. >She looks over to a massive pile of transparent purple... something- further down the road, and then to you
  217. >"Uh, did you win?"
  218. >Purple takes a gander at the throbbing mass herself
  219. >"I think so. Yeah, yeah we did."
  221. >This lollipop tastes like wet grass
  222. >And dirt
  223. >But it's some sweet ass shit
  224. >Better than slightly rotten chicken and stale crackers, at least
  225. >Purple, who you have learned is named TwiSparkle somethingoranother, had you looked over by some pill peddler at the horse hospital
  226. >And you were issued a clean bill of health
  227. >And given some candy by a qt horse nurse
  228. >You've fucked a horse once, it was 6/10
  229. >So you were open to the idea of fucking another
  230. >But nurses are high class ladies
  231. >You'll need to work the ol Speedy charm if you're gonna get this one, though
  232. >Either that, or find some way to incapacitate her and have some forcey fun time
  233. >Both of which are going to be a lot harder than they usually would, considering the fact that you seem to be in a child's body
  234. >"So, Speedy, where do your parents live?"
  235. >The two of you were just outside the bonehouse
  236. >Twiguy had already extracted your monika from you
  237. >Now she wants your address
  238. >Does this mean she also wants your dick?
  239. >You hadn't quite pegged her as a kiddy fiddler, but you aren't opposed to the idea
  240. >You shrug
  241. "Dunno, I'm not sure if lodging was even included in the contra-"
  242. >You suddenly sieze up and collapse to the ground as a wave of pain washes over you
  243. >What the fuck
  244. >You weren't even swearing
  245. >Twilight is already standing over you
  246. >"Are you okay? What happened?"
  247. >You dry heave and cluch your stomach
  248. >"Speedy? Speedy, what's going on?"
  249. >Stop nagging me, cunt
  250. >You manage to stifle the heaves and regain control of your body
  251. "Just a... nervous tick, is all. Yeah, a nervous tick."
  252. >She visibly relaxes at this
  253. >Haha dumb cunt bought it
  254. >You don't understand why you lied in the first place, but who the fuck cares
  255. >She helps you up and you rub your still-hurting gut
  256. >"So, what was that about your parents?"
  257. >You give her a blank stare
  258. "My what? Oh right."
  259. >You look up at the sky and give your chin a rub
  260. "I'll probably figure that out later."
  261. >"Figure it out later? You mean you don't know who your parents are?"
  262. "Or if I even have any. This whole experience has just been one big cluster-"
  263. >You cut yourself off this time, rolling the phrase around in your head and cringing at the thought of another shock
  264. "Err, mess. One big mess."
  265. >She eyes you skeptically
  266. >"I'm afraid I don't follow. What experience?"
  267. >You let the question hang in the air for a moment
  268. >After a short bout of inner deliberation, you begin to laugh
  269. >And laugh and laugh and laugh
  270. >What a time to be alive
  271. >Twixstix is not amused
  272. >"Speedy, this is serious. We need to know who your parents are, and if they even know where you are. How did you even get here?"
  273. >You shrug again
  274. "I suppose that's for the lord to know, and me to forever ponder."
  275. >She sighs in frustration
  276. >"Fine, fine. We'll figure this out the hard way."
  278. "Why are you lording over me, anyways?"
  279. >She dragged you all the way to town hall to turn you in to child services for evil experiments or something
  280. >What a bitch
  281. >"Because it's the responsible thing to do."
  282. >She starts babbling some stupid bullshit to a lady behind a desk while you play with the pendant around your neck
  283. >It's covered in engravings of the noodle man and something about fish
  284. >You notice seams in the side of it that give it the appearance of a locket
  285. >You try to pry it open with your hooves to no avail
  286. >You feel a nudge on your side
  287. >Twi'lek gestures for you to follow her, and you comply with a little reluctance
  288. >She leads you into a bright, warm office ripped straight out of Sesame Street
  289. >The walls are covered in crude crayon drawings of ponies, mostly families
  290. >The wallpaper is a bright blue sky sprinkled with cartoon clouds
  291. >An oak desk covered in various trinkets and baubles sits in the center of the room
  292. >Behind it is seated a teal unicorn with a bubblegum colored mane styled in a neat ponytail
  293. >To top it all off, she's wearing a yellow and purple polka-dotted turtleneck sweater
  294. >"Princess Twilight! It's so good to see you! And who is this little darling you've brought with you?"
  295. >Holy fuck she's the sweetest sounding woman you've ever heard
  296. >She sounds like the kind of person who makes pancakes for her grandkids every morning
  297. >She sounds like the kind of person who bakes cakes for small town church functions
  298. >She sounds like the kind of person whose husband is dead but she doesn't mind too much, because she knows that's just the way the world works
  299. >It's mesmerizing
  300. >"Safe Springs, this is Speedy. He needs help finding his parents."
  301. >Being reminded of Twi's bullshit drags you back down to earth and you let out a frustrated sigh
  302. >Refusing to make eye contact with either of them, you turn your attention back to your locket and start picking at the seams again
  303. >"Shy, are we? Don't worry, I don't bite. Would you like a sweet?"
  304. >She's making all these movements and gestures in your peripheral vision, but you ignore them
  305. >The locket pops open
  306. >Must've been trying it from the wrong side earlier
  307. >You peer in only to see yourself staring back at you
  308. >You jump a little and slam the locket shut, only to see that you're back in Discord's house of horrors
  310. >"Back so soon?"
  311. >You can hear the faint sound of an accordian in the background
  312. "What just happened?"
  313. >You look down at the locket once more, only to see it has disappeared
  314. "What the hell?"
  315. >You hardly have time to see the disembodied arm smack you on the nose
  316. >Discord is twirling the locket in the air, staring at it with disinterest
  317. >He tosses it aside, cracks his knuckles and a remote appears in his hand
  318. >Slamming it against the wall with all the strength he can muster causes a flatscreen to appear at its point of impact
  319. >On this TV is a distressed Twilight, frantically searching the office you have suddenly vanished from and calling out your name
  320. >Discord promptly loses his shit, falling backwards into a fainting couch and staring at the scene with wicked delight
  321. >You can't help but be amused by her tormented calls yourself
  322. >Safe Springs is just confused, not quite knowing what to make of the situation
  323. >Twilight scampers out of the room, and the shot cuts to the hall, where she's running around and generally causing a stir
  324. >Multiple ponies approach her in an attempt to figure out what is wrong, but she just keeps asking vague shit like 'where did he go?'
  325. >Holy hell why does she care so much?
  326. >You watch her panicked escapades for several minutes before Discord's laughter suddenly ceases and he poofs the TV away, falling back on the sofa with a sigh
  327. >"So, what have we learned today?"
  328. >He suddenly perks up and begins puffing a comically large cigar
  329. "What?"
  330. >For a moment there is only the sound of him sucking on the stogie
  331. >Just as you're about to ask again, he blows a massive cloud of smoke into your face
  332. >This new body's virgin lungs can't handle the smoke and you break into a coughing fit
  333. >"Now don't be difficult Anon, I think it's a rather simple question. What did you learn today?"
  334. >You can hardly even inhale between your wheezing, and water starts forming in your eyes
  335. >A pen and notebook appear in Discord's hands and he begins scribbling down god-knows-what
  336. >"Mhmm, interesting. Why, I never thought such things could be!"
  337. >He drops the items and takes another puff from the cigar, once more blowing its ashy cargo into your reddened face
  338. >While you hack your guts out, he spits in his paw, shakes your hoof, and thanks you for your time
  339. >Afterwords, he presses his hands together and smiles
  340. >"Well, I think it's about time for bed, Anon. What say you?"
  341. >You respond with coughing
  342. >"Now now, no need to be crass. Sleep does the body good, after all. You should be thankful you even have a bed. Why, some people don't even have a roof to sleep under!"
  343. >Is he making fun of you?
  344. >Not that you could do much about it like this
  345. >"Then it's decided. See you in the morning, Anon."
  346. >He snaps his fingers and suddenly you're in a bedroom fit for a young child
  347. >Various toys strung about
  348. >Posters of random bands and movies with the names and titles changed to horse puns
  349. >Standadrd furniture like a dresser, bed, desk
  350. >All this information ascertained while you still recovered from the smokescreen
  351. >Fuck your throat hurts
  352. >You can't tell how long it takes for you to stop, but you know it was way too damn long
  353. >And once you finally do, all you can think about is the bed
  354. >Metal frame, covered in bulky cotton sheets that tingle your hooves when you reach out to touch them
  355. >As you slip under the covers, you fall asleep so fast you barely had time to lay down proper
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