Beach Bum Anon Chapter 1: Pissing and Screaming

>The taste of bile coats your tongue
>You keel over in pain and piss all over your shirt and pants
>A weak stream of sour vomit dribbles down your chin as you regain your composure and empty out the rest of your bladder
>You had a good spot where the bulls couldn't see you piss or shit in this alley, since it was tighter than most and rarely trafficked
>Not to mention the piles of garbage you could hide behind
>Regalado seems to not give a shit about the ghettos, which was fine by you
>Makes bumming in Miami a whole lot easier
>The pain fades and you wipe the foulness off your chin with your grimy shirt sleeve
>The button on your pants had fallen off last summer, so you had to close it up with a few safety pins
>Except the holes you made for them have worn too far through and they slip right off
>You giggle at your minor misfortune and look around for something to use as a belt before deciding to abandon the pants altogether
>Too hot for that shit anyways
>You ball it up and toss it on a roof so some other lowlife doesn't find the clothes as easy pickings and try to claim your shitting alley
>Now clad from the bottom down in only work boots and stained white briefs, you peek around the corner to check the foot traffic
>It's 3-something at night, or at least that's your best guess, so you'll have plenty of cover
>Some loon in a mismatched suit is meandering on your way
>He looks disheveled, so probably doesn't have much cash on him
>Although he looks like he might just barely tread the line of eccentric addict, so maybe he might have something on him you can sell or take for yourself
>Which is just as good as nabbing a tourist with a full wallet
>You crouch down in your filth, ready to pounce
>One hand is on a kitchen knife tucked away in your gilet
>The other is ready to grab this nigga by the shirt collar and take him off the sidewalk and into your domain
>For a long while you hear only the sound of passing cars, distant sirens and the man's footsteps
>You see a foot move past your corner and spring into action like a goddamn tiger
>King of the jungle, baby

>Your hand catches nothing and without the support you expected you fall flat on your face and feel a sharp pain in your chest
>You scramble to your feet and notice that suddenly you're on a floating platform in the middle of a Lovecraftian hellscape
>Which is weird, because you don't remember taking any hallucinagens in the past month or so
>It's been all meth, all the time baby
>You also don't remember taking so much you'd slip into psychosis, though
>So this is definitely out of place
>You sure don't feel high
>"Ah-ha! Just the kind of man I've been looking for!"
>You look towards the voice and whip out your knife towards the source
>It comes out already slick with blood
>Not a good sign
>You've gone and stabbed yourself
>Again
>Once more you cackle at your own incompetence
>"That's the spirit! Show me a smile!"
>You cock your head at the serpentine figure the voice originates from
>And you show him your best stage grin
>You haven't seen a mirror lately, but last time you were missing more than a few teeth and the rest looked nearly black
>Suddenly you're knocked off your feet again
>This time into a chair though
>The voice laughs, and you laugh with it
>As much as laughing hurts
>"Let's get down to business, shall we?"
>The noodle monster swirls into a tornado and is suddenly wearing some kind of suit
>Not like the one the man from the sidewalk was wearing
>No, this one was a black pinstripe, something you'd expect a 50's detective to wear
>Or those dudes out of 12 Angry Men
"Whatever you say bossman."
>You're tripping balls right now
>Maybe you went out to town with Eddie again
>Shit always hits the fan when Eddie's around
>It feels too real though, in a way, none of the typical euphoria you get with this kind of thing
>You need to tell him how pitiful this garbage is
>Whatever it is
>"You have a problem. Multiple problems, in fact. Including the golf-ball sized tumor in your prostate."
"Wait wait wait, last time I had it checked it was as big as a pea-"
>"A lot can happen in four years, Anon. But none of that matters now."
>A desk appears between you and he slides over a piece of parchment covered in Hebrew or something
>"I am giving you the chance of a lifetime. The chance to start all over again."
>You cock an eyebrow
"What makes you think I want to live a whole damn life again? I'm gettin to the end with this one here, why would I want to start over?"
>"Because this time you'll be able to do a whole myriad of things you could never do here. It will be quite the /magical/ experience!"
>He winks and nudges you with a disembodied elbow after that last part, but whatever he's implying is lost on you
>You're taking this way too seriously, you need to just go with the flow
>You reach for the paper to see that a quill is already in your hand
>On the big line marked 'sign here' you draw a crude dick and giggle to yourself
>So, what am I signing up for, noodle man?
>"The name's Discord, partner, and you just struck the most important deal of either of your lives!"
>The fuck is that supposed to mean
"The fuck is that supposed to mean?"
>You catch a glimpse of noodle man swinging a large stick at your face
>Pain, and then blackness

>When you wake, the first thing you notice is that you feel...
>...good
>Not high good, or aroused good
>Just good
>For the first time in a long time
>Your stomach is calm, your sinuses are clear, there's no constant pain in your ass
>Your gums don't ache, breathing doesn't hurt, your scalp doesn't itch
>And your whole body feels clean
"Fuck me Eddie, I take it all back. This shit is the bee's knees."
>Something smacks against the side of your head
>"Did you not read the agreement at all?"
>It's noodle man
>You're laying on a metal table in the middle of a dark room
>And there is a fucking floodlight pointed at your face
"Urgh... I probably might have, if I was a jew."
>He taps his chin with a bird-like talon, considering your words
>"No matter, I think you will learn just fine on your own. But for now-"
>He smacks the floodlight and suddenly the whole room is illuminated, revealing rows and rows of standing mirrors
>"-Have a look at you BRAND NEW BODY!"
>Mirrors creep you the fuck out
>They got voodoo shit going on in them, man
>Aint' fucking natural
>You scramble backwards, barely getting a glance at the tiny green horse staring at you from the reflections
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
>Almost immediately you fall off the edge and slam your head hard against the linoleum floor
>Discord breaks into a fit of hysteria while you dart off in the opposite direction of the demon glass
>You reach the other side of the room, which is just a pure white wall
>Turning around, you can now see the mirrow rows extending into infinity
"FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF!"
>You haven't been this terrified since you accidentally walked into that funhouse mirror maze and got lost for three hours
>But it doesn't look like this can be solved by breaking shit and screaming until the cops have to come throw you out
>As you continue in your unbroken scream, Discord approaches, clearly annoyed
>"Okay Anon, fun's over. You can stop now."
>You collapse in the floor and huddle into a ball
>"Goodness me Anon, what's all this fuss over?"
>Still screaming, you point a hoof towards the mirrors
>He sighs, and with a snap of his fingers they are gone
>Leaving you to catch your breath as you rock yourself back and forth
>Mirrors are fucking creepy

>Some time passes before you finally calm the fuck down
>There's a constant sting on your cheek from Discord smacking your face with a newspaper every time you swore
>You didn't protest, fearing the wrath of the fiendish mirror maker
>You take a final deep breath and collapse backwards, spread-eagle on the floor
>You notice that the scenery has changed
>You are now in some mismatched, colorful fever dream of an Escher house
>Floating furniture, windows in the floor, upside down stairs, etc etc
>Kinda like that art expo back in Cali
>The one where you tried to mug a security guard and vomited on his chest when he went to throw you out
>Noodle man has sprawled himself out over a winged couch and seems to have taken notice of your sudden tranquility
>"Are you done yet? Or do you need a minute?"
>He asks sarcastically
>You open your mouth to talk but he poofs in front of your face and places a finger over your mouth
>"Forget I asked, I don't really care."
"O-okay man, I'm ready for this shit to wear off."
>WHACK
>Despite smacking you in the face again, Discord shows no malice on his face
>Rather, it shows confusion
>"What do you mean? The deal is forever."
>You roll your eyes and sigh
>"...Anyways, enough of that. You've held us up long enough as it is. My schedule is very tight, you know, so all this time wasted has really put me in a bind."
"Do I care?"
>He ignores your remark and snaps is talons
>An iron-chained pendant appears around your neck
>You're also now standing
>The sudden change gave you vertigo, and you are surprised you don't hurl
>"This is a special little item of mine which will let me see everything you see."
>You fake a yawn to show your disinterest
>"More importantly, it can guess when you're about to use profanity, or spill the beans on your true identity, and automatically 'correct' you."
"Why the fFF-"
>Your entire body feels like it's being tazed
>Every inch from your balls to your teeth
>The sensation only lasts a second, but it's a second too long
>Discord chuckles at your scream of agony
>Your muscles give out and you collapse back onto the ground
>"I think I've told you enough. You'll figure out the rest, you're a clever man."
"W-why can't I tell anyone about my real identity?"

>He's gone
>So is his fever dream of a house
>In fact, you see nothing around you but blue
>And you've got this intense feeling of falling
>You look down to notice your rapid approach to the ground
>Holy fucking shitfuck, you've gotta be just entering the stratosphere
>An orange haze envelops your body and you feel the most intense heat you've ever felt in your life
"WHAT THE F-"
>The full-body taser wracks you with pain
>Your screams turn into an incoherent mess as your death grows ever-closer
>You had to admit, you didn't actually want to die
>You just wanted to play hard-to-get with the sentient noodle
>Just to be a facetious asshole
>You're pretty sure you shat yourself at some point in the fall
>Good thing you weren't wearing clothes
>The fall feels like it's extending into infinity
>You're pretty sure you're well past terminal velocity
>And yet the ground seems to be staying in the same spot
>Your bones feel like they are being crushed by five-ton weights
>There's a sudden pain in your belly as your stomach inflates like a balloon
>Your gut bursts open with a pop that is audible even over the rushing wind and crackling fire around you
>Just as you reach down to clutch it, you cover the distance between you and the earth in almost an instant
>You close your eyes, expecting death

>But it never comes
>Your ears are ringing and your body aches
>But right now you're either alive or in hell
>Maybe purgatory
>Or even heaven
>You cautiously open a single eyelid
>Is purgatory supposed to be this colorful?
>You look around to see yourself in the center of a massive crater in the road of a medieval-looking village
>Everything looks way too bright and happy to be medieval, though
>Four pastel horses are scattered about the cobblestone road you've crashed in to
>They all stare at you with looks of disbelief
>One of them, a purple one with wings and a horn, breaks out of her bewildered stupor and rushes towards you
>"Sweet Celestia, are you okay? What happened to you?"
>You look down at your hooves
>Other than being covered in dirt, they're fine
>Upon further inspection, the rest of your body is in a similar state
>Holy shit you're alive
>You start to laugh, much to the surprise of purple
>You're alive
>God's balls, you're alive
>The words keep repeating in your mind, and each time you only laugh harder
>Just a few moments ago you were entirely certain that you were going to die
>But here you are
>"Are you... okay?"
>She repeats
>You stop laughing to process the words for a moment
>Only to start back up in full force
>One of the horses, this one pink, is at your side in an instant, one of her legs wrapped around your back
>And she's laughing with you
>The rest just stand and stare like autists
>Another pony appears out of nowhere
>Literally
>A sudden flash and she's in the center of the road
>"Twilight! I've everypony to the castle, how are things with the ursa going?"
>She looks over to a massive pile of transparent purple... something- further down the road, and then to you
>"Uh, did you win?"
>Purple takes a gander at the throbbing mass herself
>"I think so. Yeah, yeah we did."

>This lollipop tastes like wet grass
>And dirt
>But it's some sweet ass shit
>Better than slightly rotten chicken and stale crackers, at least
>Purple, who you have learned is named TwiSparkle somethingoranother, had you looked over by some pill peddler at the horse hospital
>And you were issued a clean bill of health
>And given some candy by a qt horse nurse
>You've fucked a horse once, it was 6/10
>So you were open to the idea of fucking another
>But nurses are high class ladies
>You'll need to work the ol Speedy charm if you're gonna get this one, though
>Either that, or find some way to incapacitate her and have some forcey fun time
>Both of which are going to be a lot harder than they usually would, considering the fact that you seem to be in a child's body
>"So, Speedy, where do your parents live?"
>The two of you were just outside the bonehouse
>Twiguy had already extracted your monika from you
>Now she wants your address
>Does this mean she also wants your dick?
>You hadn't quite pegged her as a kiddy fiddler, but you aren't opposed to the idea
>You shrug
"Dunno, I'm not sure if lodging was even included in the contra-"
>You suddenly sieze up and collapse to the ground as a wave of pain washes over you
>What the fuck
>You weren't even swearing
>Twilight is already standing over you
>"Are you okay? What happened?"
>You dry heave and cluch your stomach
>"Speedy? Speedy, what's going on?"
>Stop nagging me, cunt
>You manage to stifle the heaves and regain control of your body
"Just a... nervous tick, is all. Yeah, a nervous tick."
>She visibly relaxes at this
>Haha dumb cunt bought it
>You don't understand why you lied in the first place, but who the fuck cares
>She helps you up and you rub your still-hurting gut
>"So, what was that about your parents?"
>You give her a blank stare
"My what? Oh right."
>You look up at the sky and give your chin a rub
"I'll probably figure that out later."
>"Figure it out later? You mean you don't know who your parents are?"
"Or if I even have any. This whole experience has just been one big cluster-"
>You cut yourself off this time, rolling the phrase around in your head and cringing at the thought of another shock
"Err, mess. One big mess."
>She eyes you skeptically
>"I'm afraid I don't follow. What experience?"
>You let the question hang in the air for a moment
>After a short bout of inner deliberation, you begin to laugh
>And laugh and laugh and laugh
>What a time to be alive
>Twixstix is not amused
>"Speedy, this is serious. We need to know who your parents are, and if they even know where you are. How did you even get here?"
>You shrug again
"I suppose that's for the lord to know, and me to forever ponder."
>She sighs in frustration
>"Fine, fine. We'll figure this out the hard way."

"Why are you lording over me, anyways?"
>She dragged you all the way to town hall to turn you in to child services for evil experiments or something
>What a bitch
>"Because it's the responsible thing to do."
>She starts babbling some stupid bullshit to a lady behind a desk while you play with the pendant around your neck
>It's covered in engravings of the noodle man and something about fish
>You notice seams in the side of it that give it the appearance of a locket
>You try to pry it open with your hooves to no avail
>You feel a nudge on your side
>Twi'lek gestures for you to follow her, and you comply with a little reluctance
>She leads you into a bright, warm office ripped straight out of Sesame Street
>The walls are covered in crude crayon drawings of ponies, mostly families
>The wallpaper is a bright blue sky sprinkled with cartoon clouds
>An oak desk covered in various trinkets and baubles sits in the center of the room
>Behind it is seated a teal unicorn with a bubblegum colored mane styled in a neat ponytail
>To top it all off, she's wearing a yellow and purple polka-dotted turtleneck sweater
>"Princess Twilight! It's so good to see you! And who is this little darling you've brought with you?"
>Holy fuck she's the sweetest sounding woman you've ever heard
>She sounds like the kind of person who makes pancakes for her grandkids every morning
>She sounds like the kind of person who bakes cakes for small town church functions
>She sounds like the kind of person whose husband is dead but she doesn't mind too much, because she knows that's just the way the world works
>It's mesmerizing
>"Safe Springs, this is Speedy. He needs help finding his parents."
>Being reminded of Twi's bullshit drags you back down to earth and you let out a frustrated sigh
>Refusing to make eye contact with either of them, you turn your attention back to your locket and start picking at the seams again
>"Shy, are we? Don't worry, I don't bite. Would you like a sweet?"
>She's making all these movements and gestures in your peripheral vision, but you ignore them
>The locket pops open
>Must've been trying it from the wrong side earlier
>You peer in only to see yourself staring back at you
>You jump a little and slam the locket shut, only to see that you're back in Discord's house of horrors

>"Back so soon?"
>You can hear the faint sound of an accordian in the background
"What just happened?"
>You look down at the locket once more, only to see it has disappeared
"What the hell?"
>You hardly have time to see the disembodied arm smack you on the nose
>Discord is twirling the locket in the air, staring at it with disinterest
>He tosses it aside, cracks his knuckles and a remote appears in his hand
>Slamming it against the wall with all the strength he can muster causes a flatscreen to appear at its point of impact
>On this TV is a distressed Twilight, frantically searching the office you have suddenly vanished from and calling out your name
>Discord promptly loses his shit, falling backwards into a fainting couch and staring at the scene with wicked delight
>You can't help but be amused by her tormented calls yourself
>Safe Springs is just confused, not quite knowing what to make of the situation
>Twilight scampers out of the room, and the shot cuts to the hall, where she's running around and generally causing a stir
>Multiple ponies approach her in an attempt to figure out what is wrong, but she just keeps asking vague shit like 'where did he go?'
>Holy hell why does she care so much?
>You watch her panicked escapades for several minutes before Discord's laughter suddenly ceases and he poofs the TV away, falling back on the sofa with a sigh
>"So, what have we learned today?"
>He suddenly perks up and begins puffing a comically large cigar
"What?"
>For a moment there is only the sound of him sucking on the stogie
>Just as you're about to ask again, he blows a massive cloud of smoke into your face
>This new body's virgin lungs can't handle the smoke and you break into a coughing fit
>"Now don't be difficult Anon, I think it's a rather simple question. What did you learn today?"
>You can hardly even inhale between your wheezing, and water starts forming in your eyes
>A pen and notebook appear in Discord's hands and he begins scribbling down god-knows-what
>"Mhmm, interesting. Why, I never thought such things could be!"
>He drops the items and takes another puff from the cigar, once more blowing its ashy cargo into your reddened face
>While you hack your guts out, he spits in his paw, shakes your hoof, and thanks you for your time
>Afterwords, he presses his hands together and smiles
>"Well, I think it's about time for bed, Anon. What say you?"
>You respond with coughing
>"Now now, no need to be crass. Sleep does the body good, after all. You should be thankful you even have a bed. Why, some people don't even have a roof to sleep under!"
>Is he making fun of you?
>Not that you could do much about it like this
>"Then it's decided. See you in the morning, Anon."
>He snaps his fingers and suddenly you're in a bedroom fit for a young child
>Various toys strung about
>Posters of random bands and movies with the names and titles changed to horse puns
>Standadrd furniture like a dresser, bed, desk
>All this information ascertained while you still recovered from the smokescreen
>Fuck your throat hurts
>You can't tell how long it takes for you to stop, but you know it was way too damn long
>And once you finally do, all you can think about is the bed
>Metal frame, covered in bulky cotton sheets that tingle your hooves when you reach out to touch them
>As you slip under the covers, you fall asleep so fast you barely had time to lay down proper