> THE HUNGER OF THE CHRIST
> A Screenplay by Daniel P

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> (OPENING SHOT: A SIMPLE WOODEN CROSS AGAINST A BLACK BACKDROP. SLOWLY,
> EVER SO SLOWLY THE CAMERA GOES IN CLOSER AND CLOSER, UNTIL THE PLACE
> WHERE THE HEAD WOULD REST FILLS THE ENTIRE SCREEN. VOICE OVER FROM
> SATAN)
>
> SATAN
> When he had gone out, Jesus said, "Now is the Son of man glorified and
> in him, God is glorified; if God is glorified in him, God will also
> glorify in himself, and glorify him at once."
> John 13: 31
>
> Cut to: SCENE 1: THE CRUCIFIXION. IMMEDIATE CUT FROM EMPTY CROSS OF
> OPENING SHOT TO CROSS WITH JESUS ON IT, BEING CRUCIFIED. OPPOSITE OF
> OPENING SHOT, PULLING BACK TO SEE THE FULLNESS OF THE CRUCIFIXION
> SCENE AT ABOUT THE SAME SPEED.
>
> SATAN
> Long and ago in the days of old, men were wretched creatures of sin
> and evil. Thus, God sent his only begotten son into the world to
> redeem them of their sins. But mankind sneered at his message of love
> and forgiveness and killed him. Apparently, some things never change.
> But before he died, Jesus promised that he would return again. He came
> first as a Lamb, but next time he would come as a LION!
>
> But arrogant humans disregarded his words and failed to change their
> lives. And for over 2,000 years the Church has perverted Jesus' words
> and used them to control humanity, and now, in the aftermath of a
> banal millennium, they are poised to reap the benefits of his
> impending return.
>
>
>
> (CUT TO: SCENE 2: THE VATICAN- OFFICE OF APOCALYPTIC AFFAIRS OFFICE.
> FATHER METZGER IS AT HIS DESK, REVIEWING PAPERS OR SOMESUCH. HIS
> SECRETARY, A 13-ish BOY NAMED SEAN STANDS BY IN HIS SEXY ALTAR BOY
> UNIFORM. ENTER CARDINAL FANG)
>
> FANG
> Father Metzger, dominus vobiscum.
>
> MET
> Et cum spiritu tuo Cardinal Fang.
>
> FANG
> Why have you summoned me? How are things going here?
>
> MET
> Spectacularly. Here, sit. I have great things to tell you.
>
> (FANG SITS IN FRONT OF METZGER'S DESK.)
>
> MET
> Sean, leave us.
>
> SEAN:
> Yes father.
>
> (EXIT: SEAN)
>
> FANG:
> So what is it?
>
> MET:
> We've completed stage 1.
>
> FANG:
> What do you mean?
>
> MET:
> Project Omega. It's nearly complete.
>
> FANG:
> Project Omega? You mean…
>
> MET:
> Yes. Unit 00 is fully formed and complete.
>
> FANG:
> Amazing. I didn't think you're people could have completed it so quickly.
> MET:
> Neither did we, but we have. Dr. West is an utterly remarkable talent.
> God has truly blessed us.
>
> FANG:
> And how soon can we begin reaping what He has sown?
>
> MET:
> That, we still are unsure of, but current projections say we should be
> able to completely actualize Project Omega within 15 months.
>
> FANG:
> Hardly more than a year!? This is spectacular! You will be receiving a
> raise for this Metzger.
>
> MET
> Thank you milord.
>
> (FANG STANDS)
>
> FANG:
> I must be going now. Keep me informed on everything as soon as it happens.
>
> MET:
> Naturally sir.
>
> FANG:
> God be with you.
>
> (EXIT: FANG)
>
> MET:
> Excellent. All is going better than we planned. Isn't it…
> (MET PETS THE RELIC ON HIS DESK)
>
> MET:
> Jesus.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (CUT TO)
>
>
>
>
> (SCENE 3: MISKATONIK UNIVERSITY- OCCULT STUDIES 230 LECTURE HALL.
> STUDENTS ARE SEATED HITHER AND ABOUT LIKE GOOD UNIVERSITY STUDENTS,
> AMONG THEM PHIL DEXTER AND HOWARD WARD. CAMERA WILL PAN ACROSS
> STUDENTS TO SHOW THEM BEING STUDIOUS AND SUCH SO AS TO INDICATE THEM
> AS BEING IN COLLEGE AND DOING COLLEGE SHIT.)
>
> (CUT TO: PHIL WITH HIS LAPTOP, HOWARD STANDING OVER HIM.)
>
> PHIL:
> Howard, I did it. I hacked into the Vatican's Mainframe.
>
> HOWARD:
> Bitchin'! What have you found?
>
> PHIL:
> Rites, Mass times, correspondences between the pope and his
> mistress…hmm…what's this?
>
> HOWARD:
> Hmm?
>
> PHIL:
> Office of Apocalyptic Affairs? This is new.
>
> HOWARD:
> What is it?
>
> PHIL:
> I don't know, I'm downloading their files though so we can review them
> at our leisure.
>
> HOWARD:
> Sweet.
>
> PROFESSOR
> Messers Dexter and Ward?
>
> HOWARD
> What?
>
> PROFESSOR
> You two need to be paying attention.
>
> HOWARD
> But we are.
>
> PROFESSOR
> Oh? Then what was I just discussing?
>
> PHIL
> Numerology.
>
> PROFESSOR
> Brilliant work. You should be a detective. This is only a numerology
> class. I mean what number were we discussing?
>
> HOWARD
> Three.
>
> PROFESSOR
> Amazing, you can read a chalkboard. Please then, in your own words
> explain the signifigance of Three, please.
>
> PHIL
> Okay then. Starting with the biblical, ahem. Howard?
>
> HOWARD
> Well of course three is the number of god, like six is the number of Satan.
>
> PHIL
> The Hebrews considered three to be the perfect number, thus the true
> number of god is 333, three threes, rounded perfection.
>
> HOWARD
> Satan as well uses three as a number of significance. Six is two
> threes, which is great, but short of perfection. Which is also
> illustrative of Satan's arrogance, choosing a number that is twice
> that of God's, thus implying her superiority to Yahweh.
>
> PHIL
> Which isn't just her tooting her own infernal horn incidentally.
>
> HOWARD
> And of course, great things have a tendency to come in threes. Three
> stooges, Three Evil Dead movies, three Star Wars.
>
> PROFESSOR
> What about the Marx Bros? There are four of them.
>
> PHIL
> Yeah, but Zeppo left after Duck Soup.
>
> HOWARD
> And he was never really funny anyways.
>
> PHIL
> And just to double our smartass points, There were more than Three
> Stooges. There was Lary Curly and Moe, the True Stooges.
>
> HOWARD
> But before Curly there was Shemp.
>
> PHIL
> And nobody really likes Shemp.
>
> HOWARD
> And after Curly, there was Curly Joe.
>
> PHIL
> And nobody liked Curly Joe at all.
>
> HOWARD
> And of course there was Joe Palma, who was Shemp's stand-in for
> several shorts. The Fake Shemp.
>
> PHIL
> Meaning ultimately there were six Stooges.
>
> HOWARD
> The number of Satan.
>
> PHIL
> And generally all things groovy. Also showing that the stooges were
> not as perfect as the Marx Bros. But ultimately there were pretty
> awesome.
>
> HOWARD
> Now in Cabalistic terms, Three is Binah, Understanding. It also
> corresponds to Saturn. And the Thelemic Entity…
>
> PROFESSOR
> Alright! Enough! I get the point, you might as well be teaching the class.
>
> HOWARD
> Well, when you're a 9th Degree OTO before your Senior Year of High
> School you tend to know this shit.
>
> PROFESSOR
> Alright, as you were then. Just keep the volume down.
> (cut to)
>
>
> (SCENE 4: THE VATICAN - OFFICE OF APOCALYPTIC AFFAIRS SUB-BASEMENT D-
> ARTIFICIAL APOCALYPSE LAB - DR. WEST'S OFFICE. DR WEST IS A TALL-ISH,
> THIN, STERM FACED MAD SCIENTIST WITH METICULOUSLY GROOMED HAIR.)
>
> (WEST IS SITTING AT HIS DESK, REVIEWING SOME PAPERS OR SOMESUCH.)
>
> (ENTER: FATHER METZGER, CARDINAL FANG)
>
> WEST:
> Ah, Father Metzger, Cardinal Fang, thank you for coming.
>
> MET:
> Dr. West, a pleasure as always. What did you want us to see?
>
> WEST:
> Ah yes, come, follow me.
>
> (WEST STANDS UP AND WALKS THEM TO…)
>
> (CUT TO: OFFICE OF APOCALYPTIC AFFAIRS SUB-BASEMENT E - ARTIFICIAL
> APOCALYPSE LAB- TERMINAL D)
>
> (A LARGE ROUND DARK ROOM WITH A SINGLE DARKENED TUBE-THING IN THE VERY
> CENTER AND DARKENED WALLS. THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN NUMEROUS OCCULT
> SEALS AND SYMBOLS. CAMERA SHOULD BE FACING DOWN FROM AN ANGLE TO GIVE
> THE WHOLE A SORT OF DETATCHED FLY-ON-THE-WALL PERSPECTIVE. INITIALLY
> LIGHTS ARE OFF AND THE SCREEN SHOULD BE SIMPLY BLACK, THEN WEST FLICKS
> ON THE LIGHTS, WHICH WOULD PREFERABLY BE UNDER THE FLOOR WHICH WOULD
> ILLUMINATE THE DESIGNS ON IT WHILE MAINTAINING THE OMINOUS MYSTERIOUS
> ATMOSPHERE.)
>
> (ENTER: WEST, FANG, AND METZGER. THEY CROSS TO THE TUBE)
>
> WEST:
> This is it. I wanted you two to be here today to witness the
> completion of phase 1 of Project E.
>
> FANG:
> Then it truly IS finished?
>
> WEST:
> More than finished, it's complete over a year ahead of schedule.
>
> FANG:
> My God.
>
> MET:
> I told you he was the man for the job.
>
> WEST:
> Behold.
>
> (THE TUBE LIGHTS UP TO REVEAL A NOT-YET-ZOMBIEFIED JESUS CHRIST
> FLOATING IN YELLOWISH-ORANGE LIQUID WITH TUBES AND A FACE MASK OF
> COURSE, TO ALLOW THE ACTOR TO BREATHE. USEFUL STUFF, AIR.)
>
> WEST:
> The Second Coming of the Christ.
>
> FANG:
> Holy Jesus.
>
> WEST:
> Indeed, the one and only. For now. This is the Master Clone, in Phase
> 2 we will begin the Mass Production Models.
>
> MET:
> You've figured out how to do that already?
>
> WEST:
> Oh, it's a relatively simple operation actually. According to Current
> Clone Theory one human soul cannot occupy more than one body, but, our
> Jesus here is no mere man, he is God as well, his soul is infinite,
> and thus infinitely replicable. We have nearly completed the rest of
> the clone bodies actually, it's being done in complete isolation so as
> to ensure no psychic contamination, the problem your last "expert"
> had.
>
> FANG:
> And how soon can phase 2 be completed?
>
> WEST:
> I'm not yet certain, the mass psychic transfer is going to be much
> more difficult, but hopefully we will have developed the technology
> before the year is out.
>
> FANG:
> Amazing. Truly amazing. Brillaint work Dr. West.
>
> WEST:
> Thank you sir. We should return to my office now, it's not healthy
> stay here too long, psychological leakage is a danger around empty
> clones.
>
> MET:
> Yes, let's go.
>
> (CUT TO:
>
> SCENE 5: HELL. SATAN'S PALACE- SATAN'S THRONE-ROOM. SATAN IS SITTING
> ON HER THRONE, SMOKING A CIGARETTE. BEEZY BUB STANDS BESIDE HER,
> ASSORTED DAEMONS SCURRYING AROUND)
>
> SATAN:
> God dammit! How dare they!?
>
> BEEZY:
> Yes ma'am. How dare they.
>
> SATAN:
> Cloning HIM! HIM! This isn't right! They're supposed to be working for
> me! How DARE they betray me like this! God damn Catholics!
>
> BEEZY:
> Yes ma'am. God damn Catholics ma'am.
>
> SATAN:
> After all that I've done for them! All I've given them! And they do
> THIS to me! Ungrateful little shits!
>
> BEEZY:
> What are you going to do about it ma'am?
>
> SATAN:
> Nothing. There's nothing I can do. They've protected themselves. Seals
> and everything. We're barred from interfering.
>
> BEEZY:
> So all we can do is wait?
>
> SATAN:
> Yes. They'll fuck something up, and that's when we act. Keep me
> informed Beezy Bub.
>
> BEEZY:
> Yes ma'am.
>
> (EXIT: BEEZY BUB)
>
> SATAN:
> ………God dammit!
> (she puts her cigarette out on the arm of her throne and throws the
> butt across the room.)
>
> (SCENE 6: MISKATONIK UNIVERSITY, PHIL AND HOWARD'S DORM. PHIL IS
> PERUSING THE BOOK OF REVELATIONS WHILE HOWARD SITS AT HIS DESK,
> ROLLING A JOINT)
>
> PHIL:
> Howard, I think I may be onto something here.
>
> HOWARD:
> What do you mean?
>
> PHIL:
> In the Bible, in Revelations. The Second Coming of Christ.
>
> HOWARD:
> What about it?
>
> PHIL:
> Well, from my readings I think it's going to occur soon. But the thing is…
>
> HOWARD:
> Wait…since when do we believe in Jesus?
>
> PHIL:
> We don't, but haven't you noticed that even when we fail to believe in
> something it still happens?
>
> HOWARD:
> Yes…and…so…what?
>
> PHIL:
> Well, we as Dedicated Occultists are obliged to keep up on such things, correct?
>
> HOWARD:
> Yes, I suppose.
>
> PHIL:
> So wouldn't it be nice if we could spot something coming BEFORE it happened?
>
> HOWARD:
> No.
>
> PHIL:
> What the fuck do you mean "no"?
>
> HOWARD:
> It's more fun when we aren't expecting something.
>
> PHIL:
> Fuck you man. This time we're going to be READY for an
> earth-shattering event of severe supernatural signifigance.
>
> HOWARD:
> Fine, so what is it then?
>
> PHIL
> Remember that thing we came across on the Vatican Archives earlier?
> The Office of Apocalyptic Affairs?
>
> HOWARD
> What of it?
>
> PHIL
> I read some of it over lunch, very fascinating. Especially Project E.
>
> HOWARD
> Yes? And?
>
> PHIL
> They're cloning Jesus.
>
> HOWARD
> Come again?
>
> PHIL
> They're cloning Jesus. Making a whole mess of them actually. An army
> of Clone Jesii.
>
> HOWARD
> Oh my.
>
> PHIL
> No shit "Oh My." This is big.
>
> HOWARD
> You're not shitting me, are you?
>
> PHIL
> Nope. Read it for yourself if you want. I left the printout on your bunk.
>
> (HOWARD GETS UP AND GRABS A STACK OF PAPERS FROM HIS BUNK, WHICH IS
> THE TOP ONE, AND BEGINS TO PAGE THROUGH THEM WHILE PHIL WATCHES HIM.)
>
> HOWARD
> Wow, this is kinda fucked up man.
>
> PHIL
> Yeah, isn't it great?
>
> HOWARD
> Jesus. So what do we do about it?
>
> PHIL
> I suggest patience.
>
> HOWARD
> Patience? We just sit on our asses and wait while they get into all
> this amazingly weird shit to fuck up the world with?
>
> PHIL
> Exactly.
>
> HOWARD
> And your reasoning is…?
>
> PHIL
> They'll fuck up somewhere along the way. They're Catholics, it's what
> they do. They always fuck things up. Like the Crusades. They killed
> more Christians than Muslims you know. They'll fuck this up too. And
> when they do…
>
> HOWARD
> We'll be ready for it.
>
> PHIL
> Precisely.
>
> HOWARD
> Alright then, patience it is.
>
> PHIL
> So praise the Lord and spark the joint.
>
> HOWARD
> With pleasure good buddy.
>
>
> (CUT TO: SCENE 7: MARINA'S HOUSE-INT. ESTABLISHING SHOTS SHOW MULTIPLE
> CRUCIFIXES PER WALL, A GIANT JESUS STATUE SURROUNDED BY CANDLES AND
> EMPTY BOTTLES OF COUGH SYRUP. A SHADOWY MARINA MAGDALINA KNEELS IN
> FRONT OF THE STATUE, PRAYING. SHE IS IN HER EARLY 20S, AND WEARS A
> WEIRDLY REVEALING DENIM SKIRT. SHE IS RATHE RPRETTY IN A GOOD
> CHRISTIAN GIRL KIND OF WAY. SHE LOOKS UP FROM HER PRAYER TO CHUG DOWN
> THE REMAINDER OF THE BOTTLE OF COUGH SYRUP SHE IS HOLDING. SHE
> SWALLOWS AND RAISES HER HANDS TO HEAVEN
>
> MARINA
> Soon my Lord! Soon!
>
> (cut to:)
>
> (SCENE 8: OFFICE OF APOCALYPTIC AFFAIRS- SUB-BASEMENT E- ARTIFICIAL
> APOCALYPSE LAB - CONTROL ROOM ADJACENT TO THE CLONE CHAMBER. COMPUTERS
> DESKS AND SUCHNOT. DR. WEST IS ON A RAISED PLATFORM AT THE MAIN
> TERMINAL OVERSEEING EVERYTHING. ASSORTED TECHNICIANS ABOUT.)
>
> WEST:
> Primary psychic locks?
>
> TECH 1:
> Fully functional.
>
> WEST:
> Secondary P-Buffers?
>
> TECH 2:
> Running at Optimal sir.
>
> WEST:
> Main Psych-Linkup between Subject and Object?
>
> TECH 3:
> Active sir.
>
> TECH 4:
> All systems are functional Doctor. Shall we begin?
>
> WEST:
> Yes. Activate Crown of Transferal.
>
> (SHOT OF THE CROWN ON TUBE-JESUS' HEAD)
>
> (CUT TO: CONTROL ROOM)
>
> TECH 2:
> Activated sir.
>
> WEST:
> Good. Begin Psychic Linkup.
>
> (SHOT OF COMPUTER MONITOR SHOWING NIFTY DISPLAYS TO INDICATE ALL
> SYSTEMS FUNCTIONING)
>
> TECH 1:
> Linkup initiated. Transferal underway.
>
> (CLOSE UP OF WEST'S FACE, SMILING)
>
>
> TECH 3:
> Transferal 5% complete sir. All systems running at normal.
>
> TECH 2:
> Psychic intake smooth, no abnormalities in the readings.
>
> TECH 3:
> Psychic transferal 15% Complete.
>
> WEST:
> Is there any leakage?
>
> TECH 1:
> Negative. All locks and dampers are functioning correctly. The only
> abnormality is a slight drop in the LCL pressure of the Clone Chamber.
>
> WEST:
> That's to be expected. Proceed with secondary Psychic Linkup.
>
> TECH 3:
> Secondary linkup established. Systems running at normal. Transferal
> 20% complete.
>
> WEST:
> Excellent. Prepare the Control Linkup for immediate activation after
> completion of the Soul Tranferal.
>
> TECH 1:
> Sir, LCL pressure is continuing to drop.
>
> WEST:
> That shouldn't be  problem, just raise it back to 98%. That should compensate.
>
> TECH 1:
> Pressure raised sir. All systems optimal.
>
> TECH 3:
> Transferal 30% Complete. We have crossed the Absolute borderline. This
> is the point at which the last attempt failed.
>
> WEST:
> System readings?
>
> TECH 1:
> All still running at maximum efficiency. No abnormalities.
>
>
> TECH 3:
> Transferal is 40% Complete sir.
>
> WEST:
> Excellent.
>
> TECH 2:
> LCL Pressure is dropping again sir.
>
> WEST:
> Then raise it. Keep pressure constant no matter what. Is that clear?
> If we lose pressure now his entire body will fall apart.
>
> TECH 2:
> Yes sir.
>
> TECH 3:
> Transferal at 50%. We've reached the halfway point.
>
> WEST:
> How is the Crown doing?
>
> TECH 2:
> No abnormalities, no discrepancies. Transfer channels are all open and
> functioning properly.
>
> TECH 2:
> Pressure is remaining constant for the moment sir.
>
> WEST:
> Keep it that way.
>
> TECH 3:
> We've reached 60% sir. We're approaching the Destrado Borderline.
>
> WEST:
> Good, stay cautious, this will be the most crucial part of the operation.
>
> TECH 1:
> Control Transfer System is up and running, it will activate as soon as
> primary psychic implant is complete.
>
> TECH 3:
> We've crossed the Destrado borderline. All systems still normal, no
> abnormalities.
>
>
> WEST:
> Apply a 23% amplification to the Destrado.
>
> TECH 1:
> Amplification?
>
> WEST:
> Yes, 23%. The Destructive anti-life impulses need to be increased in this one.
>
> TECH 3:
> Amplification increased sir. Transfer is 65% complete.
>
> WEST:
> LCL Pressure?
>
> TECH 2:
> Constant sir, any fluctuations are being corrected as they happen.
>
> WEST:
> Keep it up.
>
> TECH 3:
> Transfer is at 70% sir. Amplification is remaining constant.
>
> WEST:
> Raise it to 25%, hold it there until it reaches critical, then back it
> back down to normal levels.
>
> TECH 1:
> Understand sir.
>
> TECH 3:
> Psychic transfer 75% complete sir.
>
> WEST:
> Amplification report?
>
> TECH 1:
> We've nearly reached critical, preparing to back amplification down.
>
> TECH 2:
> LCL Levels fine sir.
>
> TECH 3:
> 80% complete sir.
>
>
> TECH 1:
> Critical limit reached, reducing Destrado amplification.
>
> WEST:
> Good job. Keep it up, we're almost there.
>
> TECH 3:
> 85% complete sir, transfer speed is increasing.
>
> WEST:
> That's because we're no longer amplifying Destrado. It's to be expected.
>
> TECH 3:
> 90 % sir.
>
> WEST:
> This is important people, all systems functioning properly?
>
> ALL:
> Yes sir.
>
> TECH 3:
> 97% sir, sir, 100%. Repeat, psychic transfer is 100% complete.
>
> WEST:
> Perfect, now quickly begin control linkup. Without this we'll have a
> very violent disobedient Jesus on our hands.
>
> TECH 4:
> Sir! Malfunction! Control System refuses to activate!
>
> WEST:
> What the hell?
>
> TECH 4:
> Sir, it's rejecting the commands.
>
> WEST:
> Shit! It knows what we're doing! Increase power to control transfer.
>
> TECH 4:
> We already did, but it's being fought off!
>
> WEST:
> It's gained awareness too fast! There's no choice, Abort Operation!
> Hurry! Blow the LCL chamber! He can't stand the atmosphere yet.
>
> TECH 1:
> Yes sir!
>
> (EXLOSION, SHATTERS CONTROL ROOM'S WINDOWS.)
>
> WEST:
> (coughing) Status! What the Blue Hell just happened!?
>
> TECH 2:
> We blew the LCL out, but the Chamber exploded sir!
>
> WEST:
> Quickly! We have to recapture that soul!
>
> TECH 5:
> Sir, the soul isn't out of the body!
>
> WEST:
> What do you mean!?
>
> TECH 5:
> It's alive Doctor! It's still alive!
>
> (ONE OF THE TECHS, GASPING FOR FRESH AIR LEANS OUT THE SHATTERED
> WINDOWS INTO THE CLONE CHAMBER.)
>
> WEST:
> No! It should have fallen apart as soon as it was exposed to the…Oh fuck!
>
> (THE STUPID TECH SCRAMS AND IS PULLED IN THROUGH THE WINDOW)
>
> (CAMERA PANS UP THE CONTROL CENTER TO THE NOW EMPTY SPOT BY THE
> WINDOW. SILENCE. PAN ACROSS SHOCKED CREW MEMBERS. THEN…)
>
> STUPID TECH:
> (loud horrible screaming)
>
> (BLOOD SHOOTS UP EVERYWHERE. BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD.  IT SHOULD SPLATTER ON
> SOME OF THE TECHS NEAREST THE WINDOW. SHOT OF WEST, LOOKING UTTERLY
> SHOCKED. THEN… ZOMBIE JESUS POPS UP, COVERED IN BLOOD, CLUTCHING A
> PIECE OF STUPID TECH'S BRAIN. HE BITES INTO IT, SPEWING BLOOD, THEN
> SAYS…)
>
> JESUS:
> Braiiiiiiiiins!
>
>
>
>
> (JESUS CLIMBS THROUGH THE WINDOW AS TECHS RUN SCREAMING. SHOT OF WEST
> LOOKING ON IN HORRID BAFFLEMENT. JESUS GETS IN AND GRABS THE NEAREST
> TECH, CHOMPS DOWN ON HIS/HER NECK AND TEARS OUT A CHUNK OF SKIN.
> BLOOD. HE CONTINUES RAMPAGING, KILLING SEVERAL MORE TECHS AND EATING
> THEIR BRAINS.)
>
> (SHOT OF: WEST LOOKING HORRIFIED.)
>
> WEST:
> Dear God!
>
> (SEVERAL OF THE TECHS MANAGE TO GET THE DOOR UNDER WEST'S STATION OPEN
> AND PROCEDE TO FLEE, SCREAMING AS JESUS APROACHES THEM)
>
> JESUS:
> Grrrrr. Brains……
>
> (CUT TO: TECHS RUNNING INTO AN ELEVATOR AND COWERING AGAINST THE WALL,
> THE DOOR BEGINGS TO CLOSE, BUT IS STOPPED AS A DECAYING HAND GOES IN,
> IT OPENS AND WE SEE THE SHADOW OF JESUS FALLING OVER THEM. DOOR CLOSES
> WITH A PLEASINT *DING*)
>
> (CUT TO: SHOT OF ELEVATOR DOOR OPENING AT TOP LEVEL, A STREAM OF BLOOD
> FLOWING OUT AS WE SEE JESUS' FEET AS HE WALKS OFF-SCREEN. PAN UP TO
> SEE MANGLED CORPSES OF THE REMAINING TECHS)
>
> (CUT TO: CONTROL ROOM. WEST IS ON THE PHONE, FRANTIC)
>
> WEST:
> Father Metzger! There's a situation on hand! Unit Zero has escaped
> sir! Yes. He attained awareness almost immediately, there wasn't time
> to upload the control link. Yes. We tried sir, we blew the LCL, but
> his Body somehow adapted to the outside, but not totally. Sir, he's a
> zombie! There is a Zombie Jesus Christ somewhere in the complex! He's
> already killed most of my staff down here, he's headed to the upper
> levels now sir. Deploy the guards! We must stop him, at any cost!
>
> (CUT TO: METZGER IN HIS OFFICE, ON PHONE)
>
> MET:
> Understood. We'll stop him. I expect a full report as soon as we do,
> is that clear West?
>
> WEST:
> Clear sir.
>
> (METZGER SWITCHES PHONES)
>
> MET:
> Hello? Yes, this is Father Metzger from The Office of Apocalyptic
> Affairs. There's a situation. Deploy a battalion to the doors of the
> complex immediately. There's no time to waste. Target is a Zombie. No,
> I'm not kidding. Get the god damn guards here immediately!
> (HE SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN)
>
> MET:
> Dammit! Sean! Get in here NOW! Daddy needs some special love.
>
> (ENTER: SEAN, WHO CROSSES TO METZGER AND GETS DOWN ON HIS KNEES IN FRONT OF HIM)
>
> (CUT TO: THE DOORS OF THE OFFICE OF APOCALYPTIC AFFAIRS COMPLEX;
> GUARDS STAND WAITING WITH THEIR GUNS.)
>
> COMMANDER:
> Yes, I've confirmed it several times. Target is in fact a Zombie.
>
> SOLDIER 1:
> Holy Hell, what kind of mischief are they up to in here anyways?
>
> COMMANDER:
> God only knows, if he knows at all.
>
> VOICE CRACKLES OVER RADIO
>
> VOICE
> Here it comes!
>
> THE SOLDIERS ALL GET READY FOR COMBAT, AND SLOWLY WE SEE THE
> SILHOUETTE OF JESUS AGAINST THE DOOR COMING CLOSER AND CLOSER. THE
> SOLDIERS BECOME INCREASINGLY TENSE. FINALLY, THE DOOR SLOWLY OPEN AND
> JESUS STEPS OUT. ALL OF THE SOLDIERS ARE TAKEN ABACK AS HE ADVANCES ON
> THEM, FINALLY SEVERAL FIRE, A COUPLE SHOTS HITTING JESUS IN THE
> GENERAL TORSO REGION. HE STOPS, LOOKS DOWN AT HIS WOULDS, THEN LOOKS
> BACK, ENRAGED
>
> JESUS
> Grargh!
>
> SOLDIER 3
> Holy Christ!
>
> SOLDIER 1
> Fire! Fire!
>
> SOLDIER2
> We can't! The guns are jamming up!
>
> SOLDIER 1
> Oh fuck! RUN AWAY!
>
> JESUS GRABS ONE OF THEM BY THE HAIR AND TWISTS HIS HEAD AROUND LIKE A
> SCREW TIL IT COMES OFF, SPRAYING BLOOD OVER HIS COHORTS, WHO ARE
> RUNNING AND SCREAMING. JESUS GRABS ONE OF THEM, PULLS HIM FORWARD, AND
> BITES INTO HIS JUGULAR. BLOOD SPEWS AND JESUS TOSSES HIM TO THE
> GROUND, GRABS ANOTHER, AND GOUGES HIS EYES IN WITH HIS THUMBS. BY NOW,
> ALL BUT ONE HAS ESCAPED, THE UNESCAPED ONE TRIPS AND FALLS, TWISTING
> HIS ANKLE. HE TRIES TO CRAWL AWAY, BUT JESUS POUNCES ON HIM AND DIGS
> INTO HIS TORSO, PULLING OUT HIS INTESTINES LIKE A BAR MITZVAH MAGICIAN
> WOULD PULL A LONG SCARF OUT OF HIS SLEEVE. THE SOLDIER SCREAMS, STILL
> ALIVE AS JESUS STARNGLES HIM WITH HIS OWN ORGANS. HE SLUMPS DOWN DEAD.
> JESUS LOOKS TO THE SKY, COVERED IN BLOOD AND ROARS TRIUMPHANTLY
>
> JESUS
> ROAR!
>
> CUT TO: METZGER'S OFFICE-INT. SEAN STANDS UP FROM WHERE HE WAS
> KNEELING AND WIPES SOMETHING THAT HAS A STRANGE RESEMBLANCE TO TAPIOCA
> PUDDING FROM HIS MOUTH. METZGER LOOKS RELEIVED, THEN THE PHONE RINGS.
> HE PICKS IT UP AND MOVES TO THE WINDOW, CASUALLY GAZING OUTSIDE
>
> MET
> Hello, Fr. Metzger speaking. What? WHAT!? Holy Christfuck! Yes! Yes I
> understand! Evacuate all personnel! IMMEDIATELY! Come on, Sean!
>
> CUT TO: VATICAN-EXT-ST. PETER'S SQUARE. METZGER, SEAN, FANG, WEST, AND
> ASSORTED OTHER PRIESTS, BISHOPS, AND CARDINALS ASSEMBLE OUTSIDE BY THE
> OBELISK. METZGER TAKES CHARGE OF THE SITUATION, ADDRESSING THEM
>
> MET
> Is everyone alright?
>
> CROWD AD LIBS
> ACROSS THE WAY WE SEE FLAMES CONSUMING THE PLACE
>
> MET
> Dear god, he's burning it to the ground!
>
> FANG
> What happened!? What is the meaning of this?
>
> MET
> Yes, Doctor West, what IS the meaning of all this?
>
> WEST
> Sir, I assure you, this was something there was no way we could have
> accounted for!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (SCENE:
> BIGGS AND WEDGE'S TRAILER. IT'S A TRAILER, COME ONE. ON THE WALL
> SHOULD BE POSTERS FOR SLAYER AND OTHER SUCH BANDS. TRY TO GIVE OFF THE
> AIR OF TRAILER TRASH SATANISM THAT BIGGS AND WEDGE EMBODY. SATAN IS
> SEATED AT THEIR KITCHEN TABLE SMOKING A CIGARETTE, LOOKING ANNOYED.
> ENTER: BIGGS AND WEDGE)
>
> BIGGS:
> Holy fucking hell man! I cannot WAIT for the next fucking Slayer album!
>
> WEDGE:
> Fuck yes man! I…
>
> (THEY NOTICE SATAN)
>
> BIGGS:
> Who the fuck let this bitch into our fucking trailer!?
>
> WEDGE:
> Hey bitch! What the fuck are you doing in our house?
>
> SATAN:
> Well, for one thing it's hardly a house. Secondly, I let myself in.
> Thirdly, I'm here to speak with you two.
>
> BIGGS:
> What the fuck? Listen bitch, if you come into our house without our
> permission then you at LEAST have to fucking fuck me!
>
> WEDGE:
> Me too! No fineass bitch just strolls in here without us getting some
> goddamn nookie!
>
> SATAN:
> Shut the fuck up, I'm not going to fuck either one of you.
>
> BIGGS:
> Then get the fuck out of our house!
>
> WEDGE:
> Yeah! Get!
>
> SATAN:
> No.
>
> WEDGE:
> What do you mean No?
>
> SATAN:
> I mean that I'm not going to leave.
>
> BIGGS:
> And why the fuck not?
>
> SATAN:
> Because I have a mission for you two.
>
> WEDGE:
> And who the hell do you think you are with your fucking mission?
>
> SATAN:
> Simply put, I am Satan.
>
> BIGGS:
> Yeah fucking right! Listen bitch, if you're Satan then prove it.
>
> SATAN:
> Fine.
>
> (SHE SNAPS HER FINGERS AND WE SEE FLAMES LEAP UP SOMEWHERE BARELY OFF
> CAMERA ALONG WITH THE SOUNDS OF A CAT SHRIEKING.)
>
> SATAN:
> Convinced?
>
> BIGGS:
> Holy fucking shit!
>
> WEDGE:
> You ARE Satan!
>
> BIGGS:
> SATAN! YEAH!
>
> WEDGE:
> FUCKING SATAN! YEAH! SIX SIX SIX!
>
> BIGGS:
> Dude, Satan is fucking HOT!
>
> SATAN:
> Shut the fuck up and listen!
>
>
> WEDGE:
> SATAN!
>
> BIGGS:
> YEAH! SATAAAAAAAAAN!
>
> SATAN:
> I said shut up!
>
> (SHE SNAPS AND WE REPEAT FIRE AND CAT SHRIEK)
>
> BIGGS:
> Sorry…
>
> WEDGE:
> *whispering* satan…
>
> SATAN:
> As I was saying, I have a mission for you two.
> (she takes a long drag of her cigarette)
> I need you to kill somebody.
>
> WEDGE:
> Sweet! Who is it?
>
> SATAN:
> (SIGH AND VERY LONG DRAG)
> …Jesus Christ…
>
> BIGGS:
> Yeah. So who is it?
>
> SATAN:
> Jesus Christ.
>
> WEDGE:
> Who the fuck is it?
>
> SATAN:
> Jesus fucking Christ! I need you to kill Jesus Christ!
>
> (SILENCE)
>
> SATAN:
> Well?
>
> WEDGE:
> Hold on there. You mean you want us to hunt down and kill THE Jesus?
>
> SATAN:
> Yes.
>
> BIGGS:
> As in Jesus from the Bible?
>
> SATAN:
> How many other Jesus' are there?
>
> WEDGE:
> Well, I know this guy Jesus who steals radios from cars…
>
> SATAN:
> Is his last name Christ?
>
> WEDGE:
> No.
>
> SATAN:
> Well then that's not the right one.
>
> BIGGS:
> So wait…You're saying Jesus is around somewhere.
>
> SATAN:
> Yes.
>
> BIGGS:
> And you want us to kill him.
>
> SATAN:
> Yes. How fucking dense can you two be!? Hunt down and kill Jesus Christ.
>
> WEDGE:
> Holy fucking shit.
>
> BIGGS:
> YES! We get to kill Jesus! SATAAAAAN!
>
> WEDGE:
> YEAH SATAN!
>
> BIGGS:
> HAIL FUCKING SATAN! SIX SIX SIX MAN! SIX SIX SIX!
>
>
> SATAN:
> Shut the fuck up already!
>
> (SNAP FIRE CAT)
>
> BIGGS:
> Sorry…
>
> WEDGE:
> (whisper) satan…
>
> BIGGS:
> So it's just that simple?
>
> SATAN:
> Yes, there's just one teensy weensy detail.
>
> WEDGE:
> What?
>
> SATAN:
> Well, he's a zombie.
>
> (SILENCE)
>
> WEDGE:
> A zombie? A fucking zombie Jesus?
>
> SATAN:
> Yes.
>
> BIGGS:
> And what's in it for us.
>
> SATAN:
> Aside from serving me? Let's see…how about pre-release copies of the
> next five Slayer albums?
>
> WEDGE:
> The next five?!
>
> SATAN:
> Yes. As soon as you've completed your mission. I'll deliver them PERSONALLY.
>
> BIGGS:
> Satan, we have a deal.
>
> SATAN:
> Good. Thank you God that was easy.
>
> WEDGE:
> YEAH! GOD! GOD! THREE THREE THREE!
>
>
> BIGGS:
> HAIL FUCKING GOD! YEAH!
>
> SATAN:
> Shut up.
>
> WEDGE:
> Yes ma'am.
>
> SATAN:
> All right. As I was saying, Jesus is around here, in Kokomo as a
> matter of fact. He shouldn't be too hard to find, just follow the
> trail of burning Catholic churches.
>
> BIGGS:
> Catholic churches?
>
> SATAN:
> Burning ones, yes.
>
> WEDGE:
> You mean Jesus is out burning down Catholic churches?
>
> SATAN:
> That is correct. Pisses me off.
>
> WEDGE:
> But I thought the fucking Catholics were on his side.
>
> SATAN:
> Yes, that's how they get you, but actually they're more MY kinds of
> people. I mean when you think about it, that whole Sticking their dual
> fangs of guilt and self-hatred into the soul and sucking the life out
> of anything it comes into contact with things is more to my liking.
> No, Jesus isn't with the Catholics because they've just been using him
> for thousands of years as a way to take over the world.
>
> BIGGS:
> The Catholics want to rule the world?
>
> SATAN:
> Of course. Seriously, no Authoritarian Structure gets that big and
> that powerful without world domination ambitions. It just wouldn't do.
>
> WEDGE:
> I guess that makes sense.
>
>
> SATAN:
> Of course it does. Now get off your asses and go get that Jesus! The
> faster you complete your mission, the sooner you get your Albums.
>
> BIGGS & WEDGE
> Yes ma'am!
>
> SATAN WALKS OUT, DISGUSTED
>
> CUT TO:
>
>
>
> (SCENE  : RIDING INTO KOKOMO)
>
> (FADE TO: PHIL AND HOWARD IN HOWARD'S CAR, HOWARD DRIVING, PHIL NEXT TO HIM)
>
> PHIL:
> Are we there yet?
>
> HOWARD:
> No. We just left.
>
> (CUT TO: SAME AS ABOVE EXCEPT WITH PHIL SMOKING A JOINT)
>
> PHIL:
> Are we there yet?
>
> HOWARD:
> No. Pass that shit.
>
> (CUT TO: SAME AS ABOVE MINUS JOINT, PLUS PHIL DRINKING FROM A BOTTLE OF BACARDI)
>
> PHIL:
> Are we there yet?
>
> HOWARD:
> No. (GRABS BOTTLE)
>
> (CUT TO: SAME AS ABOVE, EXCEPT PULLED OVER BY A COP, WHO IS LEANING
> THROUGH THE WINDOW?
>
> PHIL:
> Are we there yet?
>
> HOWARD AND COP:
> NO!
>
> (CUT TO: CAR OVERTURNED IN DITCH. PHIL AND HOWARD CRAWL OUT OF IT, UNHARMED)
>
> PHIL:
> Are we there yet?
>
> (HOWARD LOOKS UP)
>
> (PAN UP TO SIGN)
>
> SIGN:
> WELCOME TO KOKOMO INDIANA
>
> HOWARD:
> Actually, yes we are!
>
> PHIL:
> Splendid! We shall continue pursuit by foot!
>
> (CUT TO: PHIL AND HOWARD WALKING THROUGH KOKOMO. VARIOUS SHOTS OF THEM)
>
> PHIL:
> JESUS!
>
> HOWARD:
> Jesus! Where are you Zombie Jesus?
>
> (Etc.)
>
> HOWARD:
> How hard can finding a fucking zombie be?
>
> (SCENE  : NEAR ST. JOAN OF ARC CATHOLIC CHURCH - KOKOMO)
>
> (ENTER PHIL AND HOWARD)
>
> HOWARD:
> I don't get it man, we've been all around this town and still, nothing.
>
> PHIL:
> We must be patient dear Howard. A zombie is a delicate thing, a zombie
> Jesus Christ doubly so.
>
> HOWARD:
> But shouldn't something like that be overwhelmingly simple to locate.
> I mean wouldn't someone have noticed a terrible zombie ambling around
> mumbling BRAINS BRAINS! ?
>
> JESUS:
> (OFFSCREEN)
> BRAINS! BRAINS!
>
> PHIL:
> Eureka!
>
> (CUT TO: JESUS WITH A LIGHTER, AMBLING AT THE CHURCH)
>
> JESUS:
> Brains! Destroy!
>
> HOWARD:
> There he is! It's him! It's him! Now what?
>
> PHIL:
> You know, we really hadn't planned this far ahead, had we?
>
> HOWARD:
> You know, I'd say not. What would be the appropriate response to
> finding an undead messiah in this day and age?
>
> PHIL:
> I suppose about the same as finding a living messiah: Become his disciples.
>
> HOWARD:
> Sounds like fun. Let's do it then.
>
> (PHIL AND HOWARD WALK UP TO JESUS)
>
> PHIL:
> Hello, Jesus H. Christ I presume?
>
> JESUS:
> Brains! Destroy!
>
> PHIL:
> Yes, my name is Philip Dexter, this is my room-mate Howard Ward.
>
> HOWARD:
> Hi!
>
> PHIL:
> We would like to be your disciples.
>
> JESUS:
> Rargh?
>
> PHIL:
> Umm, yes, that's right! Disciples! Dee-sie-poles.
>
>
> JESUS:
> Duh…
>
> PHIL:
> Yes! That's it! You used to have a bunch of them!
>
> JESUS:
> BRAINS!
>
>
> HOWARD:
> Yes! Brains! If you let us be your disciples you can have all the
> brains you can eat!
>
> PHIL:
> On the house. So how about it.
>
> JESUS:
> Gar gar arr arr rah brains.
>
> HOWARD:
> We'll take that as a yes.
>
> JESUS:
> (FLICKS LIGHTER)
> BURN! CHURCH!
>
> PHIL:
> Not now old bean, the Po-Po are around. Besides, we should try to milk
> a cow before we slaughter it.
>
> JESUS:
> Ra?
>
> HOWARD:
> What do you mean?
>
> PHIL:
> Bingo my friend. This is a Catholic church after all, and what's more
> Catholic than Bingo?
>
> HOWARD:
> Not a goddamn thing.
>
> PHIL:
> And with the Savior of all Mankind with us, the luck plane is SURE to
> be slanted in our direction, is it not?
>
> HOWARD:
> I would imagine it is.
>
> PHIL:
> So let's hit that shit and milk it for all it's worth.
>
> HOWARD:
> Philip, I love you.
>
> (CUT TO SCENE : BINGO GAME. PHIL AND HOWARD SIT NEAR THE BACK WITH
> JESUS. ASSORTED BINGONESS. EVERY FOUR BALLS PHIL AND HOWARD STAND UP
> WITH THEIR CARDS, HOWARD REJOICING)
>
> HOWARD
> Bingo Bitch!
>
> (AFTER SOME OF THIS THE TRIO ARE FORCIBLY REMOVED FROM THE PREMISES.
> THEY STAND UP, DUST THEMSELVES OFF AND LOOK AT THE CHURCH)
>
> PHIL
> Okay, NOW we can burn it.
>
> (CUT TO: THE TRIO WALKING AWAY FROM THE BURNING CHURCH, CONTENTEDLY.
> AS THEY DO SO THEY PASS BIGGS AND WEDGE, WHO ARE SEARCHING FOR JESUS,
> BOTH WEARING SLAYER SHIRTS)
>
> BIGGS
> Fuck man! Look! The Church is on fire!
>
> WEDGE
> She was right then!
>
> HOWARD
> Jesus that guy smells!
>
> WEDGE
> What the fuck is that supposed to mean and who the fuck are you?
>
> HOWARD
> Oh Phil! Look! I have upset the Stinky Hoosier Monkey! Jesus man,
> don't you realize Slayer sucks?
>
> BIGGS & WEDGE
> WHAT!?
>
> HOWARD
> Yeah, get with the program you bums. Jesus, I mean look at you two!
> Don't they have showers and baths in this State? You both reek! I
> mean, my buddy here may smell bad, but you just stink like a mother
> fucker!
>
> PHIL
> Yeah, I mean Jesus! Can't you two afford soap?
>
> HOWARD
> Somehow I doubt they can, nor can they afford new shirts for their shitty band.
>
> BIGGS
> That's it man! I'm gonna totally mess you two up!
>
> HOWARD
> Oooh, we pissed him off! Hurry Phil! Get me a banana!
>
> WEDGE
> Fuck you guys! Come on Biggs, let's go, it's just not worth it. We
> have work to do.
>
> BIGGS
> Fine, you assholes got off easy though!
>
> HOWARD
> Yeah, sure. I bet
>
> (BIGGS AND WEDGE WALK AWAY, ANGRY)
>
> HOWARD
> Well, that was an emotionally and spiritually rewarding experience.
>
> PHIL
> Plus we made some serious cash at Bingo. So what now?
>
> HOWARD
> I suggest we hit up the clubs. Check out the Indiana scene. Maybe meet
> some fineass bitches, get laid, score some tree.
>
> PHIL
> We are running low, and I like the idea of nailing some farmer's
> daughter, but what about our erm…master?
>
> HOWARD:
> Have you seen the people in this redneck fuckhole? He'll fit right in,
> probably even help us score some birds. Dobbs told me the luck plane
> was slanted in my favor.
>
> PHIL:
> Well, you're the reasonable one, so let's go!
>
>
> (SCENE  :
> THE CLUB (WHATEVER WE CAN FIND THAT WILL LET US FILM)
> THE FUZZY BOTTOM FELLOWS ARE PERFORMING "BACK AND TO THE LEFT" AND
> PEOPLE ARE DANCING AND GYRATING AND ENJOYING THE MAGIC OF THE
> AWESOMENESS OF THE FBF. LIGHTS AND GENERAL COOL CLUB TRASH)
>
> ENTER: PHIL, HOWARD, AND JESUS
>
> (JESUS BRUSHES AGAINST A TABLE OF BOTTLED WATER AND THEY ALL TURN TO WINE.)
>
> HOWARD:
> Fucking A! This isn't too bad, it's almost like something made for a
> movie! Complete with the writer's lame band he wants to shamelessly
> promote!
>
> PHIL:
> Bitchin'!
>
> JESUS:
> Brains!
>
> HOWARD:
> Shut Zombie-Boy up.
>
> PHIL:
> Boss, quiet down with the brains shit man!
>
> JESUS:
> Brains?
>
> PHIL:
> Yeah, cut that shit out why don't you?
>
> HOWARD:
> Commendable work Philip.
>
> PHIL:
> But seriously, this is what I'm talking about! Looks like there IS
> some culture in this backwater shit-flush.
>
> (CUT TO SHOTS OF:
> FBF BEING AWESOME
> PEOPLE SLAM DANCING
> THE SUPER DDR BROS DANCING
>  ETC)
>
> CUT TO: PHIL, HOWARD AND JESUS WITH SOME GIRLS
>
>
> (ENTER: MARINA MAGDALINA)
>
> (MARINA NOTICES ZOMBIE JESUS, PRESSES HER SUNGLASSES UP AND STROLL
> OVER TO WHERE HE IS DRINKING WITH PHIL AND HOWARD. PHIL DRINKS WHITE
> RUSSIAN, HOWARD SCREWDRIVER, JESUS A BLOODY MARY)
>
> MARINA:
> Well Hello boys.
>
> HOWARD:
> Hey sweetheart! You wanna chill with me and my buddies.
>
> MARINA:
> Actually, I noticed your friend over there…
>
> HOWARD:
> Oh, Phil? Nah, he's got enough girls hanging off him. I on the other
> hand, could devote my undivided attention to you babe. How about I buy
> you a drink?
>
> MARINA:
> No, I meant the other one. The decaying one.
>
> HOWARD:
> Huh? You mean…
>
> MARINA:
> The one in the robes. What do you call him? (sly smile)
>
> HOWARD:
> Uhhhh. Uhhhh. Phil…
>
> PHIL:
> Yes Howard?
>
> HOWARD:
> What is our buddy here's name here? (nervous)
>
> PHIL:
> Umm…shit…
>
> MARINA:
> Would it be Jesus perhaps?
>
> PHIL:
> Why in the world would we call him that? His name is Carl.
>
> HOWARD
> Yes, it's Carl. Carl Sanders. Junior.
>
> MARINA
> He looks like a Jesus to me.
>
> HOWARD:
> And who the hell are you?
>
> MARINA:
> (Pulls a gun)
> How about you three come with me?
>
> HOWARD:
> Oh holy hell.
>
> PHIL:
> Howard, do we have anything we could take her with?
>
> HOWARD:
> I will ask. Hey babe, are you vulnerable to holy water, crucifixes, or
> any traditional implements of exorcism in the Christian religion?
>
> MARINA:
> Do I look like I am?
>
> HOWARD
> Buddhism?
>
> MARINA
> Nope.
>
> HOWARD
> Islam? Thelema? Judaism? Assorted Pagan Practices?
>
> MARINA
> Afraid not.
>
> HOWARD:
> We're fucked.
>
> MARINA:
> Step lightly now, boys.
>
> CUT TO: BATHROOM OF THE CLUB. MARINA HOLDS PHIL, HOWARD, AND JESUS AT GUNPOINT
>
> MARINA:
> So who are you two and how did you find him?
>
> HOWARD:
> Hey, we're just his disciples! We aren't allowed to tell you ANYTHING!
>
> PHIL:
> Howard, shut up. Listen, we're just a couple of students, we go to
> Miskatonic U out in Massachusetts! We found him here and decided to
> follow him! Is there anything wrong with that?
>
> MARINA:
> Whose side are you on?
>
> PHIL:
> Side? Listen girl, we don't do "sides".
>
> HOWARD:
> It's so dualistic.
>
> PHIL:
> We're on OUR side.
>
> MARINA:
> So you aren't with the Church?
>
> HOWARD:
> Oh hell no.
>
> MARINA:
> And you aren't working for the Dark One?
>
> HOWARD:
> At this point in time, no.
>
> PHIL:
> Right now we are just followers of this fine zombie of a messiah.
>
> HOWARD:
> And just who the fuck are you?
>
> MARINA:
> Since you aren't working for the enemy, I'll tell you. My name is
> Marina Magdalina, and I have dedicated my soul and body to the service
> of our Lord, Jesus Christ.
>
> PHIL:
> Well that's all well and good, but we found him first. And he is our
> master and all.
>
> MARINA:
> That's beside the point. You don't understand what I mean. I love this man.
>
> HOWARD:
> You mean this zombie.
>
> PHIL:
> Shut up Howard. You mean you're in love with the Jesus zombie?
>
> MARINA:
> More than the words of mortals can express.
>
> PHIL:
> Well this registers on my Weird Shit O-Meter.
>
> HOWARD:
> You want to bone our Zombie Jesus?
>
> MARINA:
> You put it in such crude heathen speech, I can't let my poor sweet
> Jesus be left with you two ungodly swine!
>
>
> PHIL:
> Oh, flattery eh? Won't get you nowhere church-girl.
>
> MARINA:
> No! You don't understand! Since I was young…
>
> (FADE TO: MARINA'S FLASHBACK
>
> A GOOD CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN LOOKING HOUSE. MARINA AS A LITTLE GIRL,
> IN CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN YOUNG GIRL CLOTHES, KNEELING IN FRONT OF A
> CRUCIFIX AND PRAYING)
>
> MARINA: (ADULT VOICE OVER)
> I was raised as a devout Catholic, but at a young age I saw through
> the bullshit. We weren't loving Jesus as much as we could, we still
> had out earthly cares and concerns, other people in our lives. Even
> nuns in a convent, they have to live around other nuns, other
> disgusting human beings.
> Then, one day, after a bad cold and lots of Robotussin, he came to me
> in a vision…
>
> (FADE ENTER: JESUS AS NOT-ZOMBIE JESUS.)
>
> JESUS:
> Marina Magdalina…
>
> MARINA:
> Jesus Christ!
>
> JESUS:
> Marina, do you love me?
>
> MARINA:
> Oh yes Jesus! More than anything or anyone else in the world!
>
> JESUS:
> The rest of the world? You love them…too…don't you?
>
> MARINA:
> Yes of course! But not nearly as much as I love you oh my savior!
>
> JESUS:
> That isn't enough Marina. And you know it, goo goo goo joob.
>
> MARINA:
> What do you mean?
>
> JESUS:
> Marina, how can you love me with your whole heart if you still love
> this evil world?
>
> MARINA:
> I don't understand!
>
> JESUS:
> You will. Do not fear!
>
> MARINA:
> I'm not afraid my sweetest Jesus!
>
> JESUS:
> You will be. You…will…be…
>
> (FADE OUT JESUS)
>
> (ZOOM IN SLOWLY ON MARINA'S FACE IN FLASHBACK)
>
> MARINA:
> That's when I realized, that I had to love nothing and no one BUT Jesus.
>
> PHIL:
> And now you want to bone him.
>
> MARINA:
> Humans are sexual beings, we all need an outlet, and I chose Jesus.
> Every sexual thought since that day has been dominated by Jesus, the
> Greatest Lover of All.
>
> HOWARD:
> Holy fucking…
>
> PHIL:
> Shit that is messed up.
>
> (CUT BACK TO BATHROOM)
>
> MARINA:
> Perhaps to fallen lustful beasts it is, but which one of us will be saved?
>
> (ENTER: BIGGS AND WEDGE. THEY BUST IN INTENT ON USING THE TOILETS)
>
> WEDGE:
> Shit man, we've looked everywhere! How can a fucking zombie be so hard to find?
>
> BIGGS:
> I don't know man but…
>
> (THEY SPOT PHIL AND HOWARD)
>
> BIGGS:
> It's them college boys who were trashing us earlier!
>
> HOWARD:
> Shit! it's the Neanderthal fucktards we were trashing on earlier!
>
> MARINA:
> Huh?
>
> WEDGE:
> Let's get 'em!
>
> BIGGS:
> Fuck yeah! Come on ya pansies!
>
> PHIL:
> Howard, I think it wants us to fight it.
>
> HOWARD:
> Shit! But it's a lot bigger and stronger than us.
>
> PHIL:
> Then we should run?
>
> HOWARD:
> Sounds like a winner.
>
> (PHIL AND HOWARD RUSH FORWARD, BUT ARE STOPPED BY BIGGS AND WEDGE, WHO
> PROCEDE TO BEAT THEM)
>
> (IN THE CHAOS MARINA SHOVES JESUS INTO ONE OF THE BATHROOM STALLS AND
> PINS HIM AGAINST THE WALL)
>
> MARINA:
> My sweet savior!
>
> JESUS:
> Brains?
>
> MARINA:
> No! What have those horrible men done to you? Well, whatever it is,
> I'll set it aright.
>
>
> (CUT TO: PHIL AND HOWARD BREAKING FREE AND RUNNING TO THE WALL, BIGGS
> COMES AT THEM, BUT PHIL AND HOWARD RUSH FORWARD AND USE THEIR COMBINED
> POWER TO KNOCK HIM OVER, BUT ARE TRIPPED BY WEDGE)
>
> (CUT TO: MARINA AND JESUS IN STALL)
>
> (MARINA IS RAPING JESUS)
>
> MARINA:
> Oh oh! Yes! Fuck me Jesus, Fuck me!
>
> JESUS:
> Braaaaaains?
>
> (CUT TO: BIGGS AND WEDGE PINNING AND BEATING HOWARD, HOLDING PHIL
> UNDER THEIR FEET. PHIL MANAGES TO TRIP THEM, AND THE TWO PROCEDE TO
> KICK BIGGS AND WEDGE UNCONSCIOUS)
>
> HOWARD:
> Well, that was uncalled for.
>
> (CUT TO: MARINA STILL BANGING JESUS)
>
> JESUS:
> BRAINS!
>
> MARINA:
> Yes yes! Oh come, oh come Emanuel!
>
> (CUT TO: PHIL AND HOWARD LOOKING AROUND)
>
> HOWARD:
> Goddammit! Where did our Zombie go?
>
> BIGGS:
> Zombie?
>
> HOWARD:
> Shut up bubba.
>
> (HE KICKS HIM)
>
> PHIL:
> Wait, do you hear that?
>
> (SOUND OF MARINA RAPING JESUS IN THE BATHROOM STALL)
>
> PHIL:
> Oh my God. No!
>
> HOWARD:
> Jesus! The fucking zombie gets some! Nice! Asshole.
>
> PHIL:
> Shit! That bitch is fucking out zombie!
>
> HOWARD:
> Joseph Smith! You're right! We need to save him!
>
> (CUT TO: MARINA AND JESUS IN STALL. THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND PHIL AND
> HOWARD PULL THE TWO OUT)
>
> (CUT TO: OUTSIDE OF STALL)
>
> HOWARD:
> Leave our fucking master alone!
>
> (PHIL PULLS JESUS AWAY FROM HER)
>
> PHIL:
> Jesus! You're…you're really fucking weird bitch! Leave us alone!
>
> HOWARD:
> I mean come on! He's a fucking Zombie! Do you have any idea how sick
> and wrong that is? I mean, seriously!
>
> MARINA:
> You're the sick ones! You disgusting perverts! I can feel you
> undressing me with your eyes, slowly peeling away every layer of my
> clothing, projecting your sick perverted lustful thoughts onto me.
> VIOLATING ME WITH YOUR…
>
>
> PHIL:
> Oh my God! Just shut up and leave us alone! Come on Howie, Master.
> Let's get the fuck out of here.
>
> MARINA:
> You aren't going anywhere! (she pulls out her gun again)
>
> HOWARD:
> Shit. Gun.
>
> (BIGGS AND WEDGE BEGIN TO STIR)
>
> BIGGS:
> A gun?
>
> WEDGE:
> Holy shit!  She's got a fucking gun!
>
> BIGGS:
> Get her!
>
> (BIGGS AND WEDGE TACKLE MARINA WHILE PHIL, HOWARD, AND JESUS GET OUT
> OF THE BATHROOM)
>
> (CUT TO: CLUB. APATHETIC HATRED IS NOW PLAYING "I EAT HATE FOR
> BREAKFAST!" AS THE THREE GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM.)
>
> (CUT TO: FATHER METZGER DRINKING WITH A YOUNG BOY, TRYING TO BE
> DEBONAIRE IN A HOMOSEXUAL PRIEST KIND OF WAY. HE NOTICES ZOMBIE JESUS
> AND DROPS HIS DRINK)
>
> MET:
> Holy Christ!
>
> (CUT TO: PHIL AND HOWARD BACKING UP AGAINST THE CROWD AS BIGGS AND
> WEDGE COME RUNNING OUT OF THE BATHROOM)
>
> BIGGS:
> It's those college boys! They've got the Zombie!
>
> HOWARD:
> Shit! The natives! They're after Jesus too!
>
> PHIL:
> Great! Now all we need is the fucking Church!
>
> (FATHER METZGER WALKS UP BEHIND THEM)
>
> MET:
> Jesus! It's me! Father Metzger! I'm here to take you back to the Vatican!
>
> JESUS:
> Brains!
>
> HOWARD:
> Well, fuck.
>
> WEDGE:
> It's a priest!
>
> BIGGS:
> Oh hell! She said this would be easy! She didn't say nothing about
> priests and shit!
>
> PHIL:
> Shit! Rednecks, psycho bitches, the church, are we missing anyone?
>
> HOWARD:
> Don't ask that! We might get an answer.
>
> MET: (STEPS BETWEEN PIL HOWARD AND BIGGS WEDGE._
> Now listen you two ruffians. I need to speak to these boys, so go.
>
> BIGGS:
> You can't scare us Church-boy! Outta the way!
>
> MET:
> I warn you…
>
> WEDGE: (PULLS OUT MARINA'S GUN)
> We said fuck off.
>
> MET:
> Shit. (moves away)
>
> PHIL:
> Well, so much for that.
>
> WEDGE:
> Now listen! That zombie is ours! So move the fuck aside.
>
> HOWARD:
> Fuck you! We're his disciples! We can't abandon him!
>
> WEDGE:
> I'm saying you can.
>
> JESUS:
> Braaaaains.
>
> BIGGS:
> Shut up Jew. Wedge, kill it.
>
> WEDGE:
> See ya in Hell ya piece of shit!
>
> BIGGS:
> Dude, I think Jesus goes to Heaven.
>
> WEDGE:
> Oh whatever.
>
> (WHILE THEY ARE TALKING JESUS GRABS AND BITES INTO WEDGE'S ARM,
> DRAWING A LOT OF BLOOD)
>
> WEDGE:
> OH FUCK! FUCK! GET OFF OF ME YA FUCKING ZOMBIE!
>
> (JESUS THROWS BIGGS AND WEDGE ASIDE, SCREAMING)
>
> JESUS:
> BRAINS! BRAAAAIIIINNNSSSS!
>
> MET:
> Jolly Old Saint Nicholas!
>
> HOWARD:
> Shit.
>
> (JESUS BEGINS RAMPAGING THROUGH THE CLUB, KILLING CREATIVELY AND
> DEVOURING NUMEROUS BRAINS.
>
> (SHOT OF TINA LEARY SMOKING A BLUNT WITH ELI (SUPER DDR BROS)
>
> TINA:
> Dude, you dance pretty awesome man. What else you doin' tonight, huh?
>
> ELI:
> Mama Mia!
>
> TINA:
> (laughs, tokes) yeah! Cause I was thinking maybe you could come with me and…
>
> (ENTER: JESUS. HE THROWS A DE-BRAINED CORPSE DOWN IN FRONT OF THEM AND SCREAMS)
>
> JESUS:
> BRAINS! BRAINS!
>
> ELI:
> MAMA MIA!
>
> TINA:
> What the fuck? (TOKES)
>
> JESUS:
> GRAGH! BRAINS!
>
> (JESUS GRABS ELI AND RIPS HIS ARM OFF, BEATS HIM WITH IT, THEN
> PROCEEDS TO SNAP HIS NECK AND BITE INTO HIS HEAD)
>
> TINA:
> Aw shit man! No good man! No good! Game over man! Game over!
>
> (JESUS ADVANCES AT TINA, BUT SHE TRIPS IN HER HIGHNESS OVER HER OWN
> FEET AND FALLS TO THE GROUND, JESUS SIMPLY PASSES HER AND GRABS THE
> NEXT AVAILABLE PERSON AND DIGS HIS THUMBS INTO HIS EYES)
>
> (TINA GETS UP AND BEGINS TO BACK AWAY)
>
> TINA:
> Shit man, that is some seriously fucked up shit!
>
> (SUPER DDR BROTHER 2 (JUSTIN) ENTERS AND SEES HIS DEAD COMPANION,
> LOOKS UP TO JESUS WITH RAGE AND DESPAIR CROSSING HIS FACE LIKE
> RIVULETS OF BLOOD RUNNING DOWN SOME GOTHY FAG'S ARM WHILE THEY LISTEN
> TO THE CURE)
>
> JUSTIN:
> Mama mia! You'a killed my'a brother you bastard!
>
> JESUS:
> Braiiins! Grargh!
>
> JUSTIN:
> I'a challenge you to a dance off!
>
> JESUS:
> Grargh raaaarh!
>
> JUSTIN:
> Yippee Kay Yay Mothuh Fuckuh! Bring it!
>
> (SCENE : TINA'S CAR (a Lumina, of course))
>
> (PHIL, HOWARD, AND JESUS ARE ALL IN THE CAR, TINA AND HOWARD IN THE
> FRONT, PHIL AND JESUS IN THE BACK, THEY ARE DRIVING MERILLY DOWN THE
> ROAD FROM KOKOMO TO NOBLESVILLE)
>
> PHIL:
> So what now?
>
> HOWARD:
> I have no fucking idea man. Tina?
>
> TINA:
> Oh my fucking GOD! I don't know, but you HAVE to meet this guy, he'll
> know what to do. Plus, he has bud!
>
> HOWARD:
> Sounds like a winner. Where does he live?
>
> TINA:
> Fuck man, we'll just go to his work, Papa John's. He'l fucking be there.
>
> PHIL:
> Then let's roll.
>
> TINA:
> Already on it man.
>
> (CUT TO: )
>
> (SCENE : PAPA JOHN'S NOBLESVILLE, NIGHT. TINA PULLS HER CAR UP IN THE
> PARKING LOT AND HER, PHIL, AND HOWARD GET OUT, BEFORE THEY CLOSE THE
> BACK DOOR TINA LEANS IN AND SPEAKS TO JESUS)
>
> TINA:
> Okay, like, you stay right here man, okay? We'll be back in a few, okay?
>
> JESUS:
> Aaaarrrr…
>
> TINA:
> Killer man, killer. (SHE CLOSES THE DOOR AND THE THREE WALK INTO PAPA JOHN'S)
>
> (CUT TO:)
>
> (SCENE : PAPA JOHN'S INT. ENTER PHIL, HOWARD, AND TINA. EUGENE STANDS
> BEHIND THE COUNTER. TINA WALK UP TO HIM)
>
> TINA:
> Hey Eugene, is Matt here?
>
> EUGENE:
> Yeah, he just got off the clock. I'll tell him you're here to see him.
>
> (EXIT: EUGENE)
>
> (NOTE: MATT HAS A SPECIAL THEME MUSIC WHICH ALWAYS CUES EXACTLY 5
> SECONDS BEFORE HE APPEARS ONSCREEN)
>
> TINA:
> Yeah, you guys need to kinda lie low until all this shit blows over.
> The Kokomo pigs are going to be looking for you and your friend
> y'know, I suggest you don't go back there.
>
> PHIL:
> Yeeeaaaahhhh…probably a good idea.
>
> (ENTER MATT)
>
> MATT:
> Tina, what's shakin'? Who are your friends?
>
> TINA:
> Matt, I'd like you to meet Phil and Howard. They're from
> Massachusetts. They've got a little bit of a problem going on.
>
> MATT:
> Alright, well tell you what. I just got off and was about to smoke a
> bowl, why don't you all join me and tell me all about it. I've got the
> chronic.
>
> TINA:
> I don't know if they're up to that right now, they're kinda…
>
> HOWARD:
> Fuck man! We're in for the chron!
>
> PHIL:
> Oh fuck yeah.
>
> MATT:
> Alright then, let's go.
>
> (CUT TO:)
>
> (SCENE : BEHIND PAPA JOHN'S, THE SIDEWALK. PHIL, HOWARD, AND TINA ARE
> PASSING AROUND A BLUNT WHILE MATT SITS, PACKING A BOWL)
>
> MATT:
> So what's up?
>
> TINA:
> Well…
>
> PHIL: (TAKES A HIT AND TALKS WHILE HOLDING IT IN)
> Here, I'll explain. Our… (EXHALES) friend is in some stiff legal
> troubles if you know what I mean, and we need a place to chill while
> all this shit blows over.
>
> MATT:
> Damn man, what happened?
>
> PHIL:
> Well… (PASSES TO PHIL)
>
> HOWARD: (TAKES A HIT, HOLDS IT IN AND THEN EXHALES)
> It's pretty fucked up, you might not even believe us if we told you.
>
> MATT:
> Man, I have seen some fucked up shit. Pass please. I'll believe you.
> Just say it man, I'm good to hear.
>
> TINA:
> Just tell him, trust me, he'll believe you.
>
> HOWARD:
> Alright then. We found a Zombie…
>
> MATT: (HITS THE BLUNT)
> A zombie?
>
> HOWARD:
> Yeah, but the thing is he's a Zombie Jesus.
>
> MATT:
> He's a zombie…
>
> PHIL:
> Yeah, but he's Jesus. That kind of evens things out.
>
>
>
> HOWARD:
> But anyhow…
>
> MATT:
> This thing is packed.
>
> TINA:
> You spark it.
>
> MATT:
> How do we pass it?
>
> PHIL:
> Reverse of what we were just doing would be good.
>
> MATT:
> A'right then. Continue. (HE LIGHTS THE BOWL AND TAKES A HIT WHILE
> HOWARD IS SPEAKING)
>
> HOWARD:
> Anyhow, we found him in Kokomo, and one thing led another and he kinda
> ended up killing a bunch of people at this club.
>
> MATT: (EXHALES)
> Yeah, but man you can't blame him for that. It's not his fault, he's
> just a Zombie. (PASSES TO TINA)
>
> TINA: (LIGHTS AND TAKES A HIT, HOLDS AND TALKS)
> Yeah, but… (EXHALES) problem is the Police aren't going to care about that.
>
> MATT:
> You do have a point there.
>
> (TINA PASSES TO PHIL)
>
> HOWARD:
> Yeah, so we're kinda in a bind. He's okay now, we subdued him, but we
> still need a place to chill.
>
> MATT:
> Well, Noblesville isn't a good town for that, it's crawling with
> police, but I would suggest you don't go back to Kokomo.
>
> PHIL:
> We weren't planning on it.
>
>
> HOWARD:
> And it's not just the pigs, there's this psycho bitch whose in love
> with our Zombie Jesus…
>
> PHIL:
> She fucking raped him!
>
> MATT:
> Shit man.
>
> HOWARD:
> And a priest from the Vatican, and these two fucking rednecks are
> after us for some reason too. I have no idea what's up, but we're in
> way up over our heads here.
>
> MATT:
> Jesus Tina, how the fuck did you find these guys?
>
> TINA:
> Oh, I was at the club man. (HIT'S THE BOWL WHICH HAS SINCE BEEN PASSED
> BACK AROUND TO HER) They saved me, and their Zombie isn't actually bad
> at all, he's just got some emotional issues. You know how it is.
>
> MATT:
> Yeah, I feel for you guys. Where's Jesus now? I would like to meet
> him, maybe smoke a bowl with him. Always wanted to get high with
> Jesus.
>
> (CUT TO:)
>
> (TINA'S CAR-EXT. PHIL, HOWARD, AND TINA STAND BY IT, MATT AND JESUS
> INSIDE, THE CAR IS FILLED WITH SMOKE. TINA HOWARD AND PHIL PASS A
> JOINT AROUND, FINALLY MATT OPENS THE DOOR AND SMOKE SPILLS OUT AS HE
> STEPS OUT, GRINNING WITH JESUS)
>
> MATT:
> Alright, listen up, this zombie guy is awesome. I know some people who
> would love to meet him, so how about we all head over to a place where
> you guys can party and crash. Sound good?
>
> TINA:
> Fuckin' A!
>
> MATT:
> Alright, let's roll.
>
> (CUT TO:)
>
> (SCENE : LAVINIA URBANE'S HOUSE- BASEMENT- REC ROOM)
> (IN VIEW ARE PHIL, HOWARD, TINA, MATT, LAVINIA, JESUS, AND TWO OTHER
> GIRLS WITH A FOOZBALL TABLE NEAR, WHICH PHIL AND HOWARD ARE PLAYING)
>
> PHIL:
> Yeah, so it's a big fucking mess.
>
> HOWARD:
> Like, cut your dick off bad. No good at all.
>
> LAVINIA:
> Uh huh…your friend is kinda…
>
> PHIL:
> Freaky? Yeah, but he's a sweetheart as long as you don't fuck with him.
>
> HOWARD:
> Yeah. But he's not as sweet as you, lovely Miss Lavonda…
>
> LAVINIA:
> It's Laviania. (giggles)
>
> HOWARD:
> Yeah…that's right. (Takes a sip of his drink, white Russian.)
>
> MATT:
> I told you they were interesting.
>
> PHIL:
> Damn straight. (He sips his screwdriver)
>
> HOWARD:
> Fuckin' A man.
>
> (UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE)
>
> PHIL:
> Soooo…
>
> (CUE MATT'S THEME)
>
> (ENTER: MATT)
>
> MATT
> Hey, you guys might want to check out the news.
>
> HOWARD:
> Huh?
>
> (CUT TO: PHIL, HOWARD, MATT, AND TINA WATCHING THE TV. SHERRIF IS
> ONSCREEN, SPEAKING TO A REPORTER)
>
> SHERIFF:
> I've never seen anything like it ma'am, it's just awful. There's blood
> everywhere, and corpses, all partially eaten. It's a massacre. But…
>
> HOWARD:
> Shit! They're talking about Jesus on the news!
>
> PHIL:
> So much for unbiased reporting…
>
> SHERIFF:
> The worst part is, some of the corpses are…well, at first we thought
> some of them were still alive, but every time one comes back, they
> attack! It's horrible, three of my best men were bitten, luckily
> nothing life threatening, but every single one that comes back acts
> the same, and they don't…hold on a moment…
>
> (ONE OF THE OFFICERS WHO HAS BEEN BITTEN IS SHUFFLING TOWARDS THE SHERIFF)
>
> SHERIFF
> Carl! I told you stay down! You need to rest, that was a nasty bite!
> You…Oh my God!
>
> (CARL WE CAN NOW SEE HAS BLOOD DRIPPING FROM HIS MOUTH. ONE OF THE
> OFFICERS TRIES TO RESTRAIN HIM, ONLY TO HAVE HIS JUGULAR BITTEN CLEAN
> OUT. HE DROPS SCREAMING TO THE GROUND AND CARL CONTINUES TO ADVANCE
> TOWARDS THE SHERIFF)
>
> SHERIFF
> Carl! Stop! Stop now!
>
> (CARL DOES NO STOP AND SHERIFF PULLS OUT HIS GUN AND AIMS AT CARL)
>
> SHERIFF
> I said stop! Or I'll shoot! Stop!
>
> (HE FIRES SEVERAL ROUNDS INTO CARL, WHO IS UNFAZED. FINALLY, HE POPS A
> ROUND INTO HIS HEAD, WHICH DOWNS HIM. HE TURNS AGAIN TO THE CAMERA)
>
> SHERIFF:
> Oh my God…Carl…he was my best man. Listen lady, I don't know what's
> going on here, but I've never seen anything like this. It's just…
>
> (SUDDENLY, A ZOMBIE GRABS THE SHERIFF FROM BEHIND AND BITES INTO HIS
> NECK. THE SHERIFF SCREAMS IN AGONY AND FALLS TO THE GROUND. THE
> REPORTERS DROP THE CAMERA AND FLEE, LEAVING THE TV SHOWING A SHOT FROM
> THE GROUND OF THE ZOMBIE STARTING TO SNACK ON THE SHERIFF. THE REPORT
> STATICS OUT)
>
> (CUT TO: PHIL, HOWARD, AND TINA LOOKING SHOCKED, MATT STANDING BEHIND
> THEM, CALM AS USUAL)
>
> PHIL
> Mighty fuck…
>
> HOWARD
> Jesus, we kinda forgot that part, didn't we? The whole infection thing…
>
> PHIL
> Well hopefully those cops have seen Dawn of the Dead and know what to do.
>
> HOWARD
> Yeah. Hopefully…
>
> PHIL
> We're fucked.
>
> MATT
> So um, how fast do you think this is gonna spread?
>
> PHIL
> Oh, probably pretty fast.
>
> TINA
> So what do we do?
>
> HOWARD
> Simple. The Catholics made him, right? So they created this zombie
> curse thing, so all we have to do is…
>
> PHIL
> Find that priest from the club and…
>
> TINA
> Learn what he knows.
>
>
> PHIL
> Precisely.
>
> MATT
> Okay, so where are you going to look?
>
> HOWARD
> Well, he'll most likely attempt to contact his masters back in the
> Vatican to tell them he's found Jesus, and he'll also be trying to
> find backup. Problem is, most Priest's aren'[t aware of the Vatican's
> secret doings, so he'll go to an outpost church.
>
> PHIL
> And there just so happens to be one of those nearby.
>
> TINA
> Okay! SO first thing tomorrow we go there and find him.
>
> PHIL
> Right on.
>
> HOWARD
> And in the meantime, I'm going to try and nail that Lavinia bird.
> She's cute enough.
>
> MATT
> You don't really have to try. Just wear a rubber man.
>
> HOWARD
> Oh I will.
>
> PHIL
> And I will likewise be working on one of her friends.
>
> MATT
> Sounds like you guys have a plan. I'm gonna be going now, told mom I'd
> help her with some shit in the morning. Tina's got my number, you two
> need anything just hit me up, hear?
>
> HOWARD
> Right on man. Peace brother.
>
> MATT
> Peace you guys. Keep an eye on Tina.
>
> PHIL
> We will.
>
> (EXIT: MATT)
> (CUT TO: LAVINIA'S HOUSE-INT-LAVINA'S ROOM-NEXT MORNING. HOWARD IS IN
> BED WITH THE SLEEPING, NAKED LAVINIA. HE SITS UP AND STRETCHES AND
> LOOKS OVER, GRINNING AT THE SLEEPING GIRL BESIDE HIM. HE STRETCHES AND
> HOPS OUT OF BED, PULLS ON HIS PANTS, PUTS ON HIS JACKET AND LIGHTS UP
> A CIGARETTE. CAMERA FOLLOWS HIM OUT THE DOOR TO WHERE PHIL IS SLEEPING
> ALONE ON THE COUCH, HOLDING A BURNT OUT CIGARETTE WITH THE HAND THAT
> DANGLES OFF THE COUCH. TINA IS SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR, SNUGGLED UP WITH
> HER BONG FOR A TEDDY BEAR. HOWARD WAKES THEM BOTH UP)
>
> HOWARD
> Wakey wakey my pretties. We've got us a priest to stalk.
>
> PHIL (groggily)
> Fuck man, what time is is?
>
> HOWARD
> Ten thirty AM. We've gotta go, so get your ass in gear. You too Tina.
>
> TINA
> Rargh, fine…
>
> (cut to)
>
> SCENE : CHURCH-INT-DAY
> TOP DOWN WIDE SHOT OF FR. METZGER WALKING INTO THE CONFESSIONAL WITH
> INTENSITY AND PURPOSE
>
> CUT TO: CONFESSIONAL-INT. METZGER SITS AND THE SCREEN IN FRONT OF HIM
> OPENS UP AND FR. DREK, A YOUNGER PRIEST AND VATICAN SPY SPEAKS THROUGH
> IT
>
> DREK
> Hello my son.
>
> MET
> Forgive me father for I have sinned.
>
> DREK
> What is the number of thy sins, my son?
>
> MET
> Three, father.
>
> DREK
> And what are these three sins?
>
> MET
> Patris, et filii, et spiritu sancti. Benedicto.
>
> DREK
> Father Metzger, thank god, we heard about what happened last night and
> we were concerned you may be dead.
>
> MET
> No, Father Drek, I am still very much alive, though shaken.
>
> DREK
> What's your report sir?
>
> MET
> Establish a video link with his holiness immediately, I must speak
> with him personally.
>
> DREK
> It shall be done.
>
> CUT TO: CHURCH-INT-BACKROOM. DREK STANDS BY METZGER IN FRONT OF A
> KNEELER WITH A VIDEO CAMERA ON A TRIPOD IN FRONT OF IT, IN FRONT OF
> WHICH THERE IS A TELEVISION MONITOR.  METZGER KNEELS AND GRADUALLY THE
> SHADOWY IMAGE OF THE POPE FLICKERS INTO VIEW. ALTERNATING SHOTS OF A
> FRONT ON VIEW OF METZGER AND A SIDE VIEW OF HIM AND THE MONITOR AND
> SHOTS OF THE POPE SPEAKING
>
> MET
> My lord…
>
> POPE (Full o' Evil)
> Father Metzger, what have you to report?
>
> MET
> Sire, I've located Unit 00.
>
> POPE
> And where is it now?
>
> MET
> Well, unfortunately I lost him,.
>
> POPE
> Oh?
>
> MET
> His deterioration has accelerated sir, he looks atrocious. And he's
> much more violent than we could have predicted. He is being guarded by
> two strange Americans, who I sense are strong in the dark arts. There
> was a…confrontation between them and two seeming locals, and Unti 00
> became enraged, he went beserk and killed many innocent people sir. I
> lost him in the confusion. I barely escaped with my life.
>
> POPE
> This is unfortunate, but we may yet be able to turn this to our
> advantage. Proceed with operations Father, report back when you have
> acquired the target.
>
> MET
> Yes, my master.
>
> POPE
> Oh, Metzger.
>
> MET
> Yes my liege?
>
> POPE
> Do NOT fail me again.
>
> (THE IMAGE DISSAPEARS AND METZGER STANDS, CLEARLY TROUBLED AND A BIT PISSED OFF)
>
> (WIPE TO: CHURCH INT- WIDE ANGLE SIDE SHOT OF METZGER AND DREK WALKING
> DOWN THE MAIN AISLE OF THE CHURCH)
>
> MET
> I trust you've been briefed on our current situation.
>
> DREK
> Yes father, and all of our facilities are at your disposal.
>
> MET
> That's comforting. I could use a little of the ol' R and R, if you
> know what I mean. Heh heh.
>
> DREK
> Oh ho ho, I dig father. I'll get an atar boy here on the d…
>
> (THEY BOTH CATCH WHIFF OF A FAMILIAR ODOUR)
>
> DREK
> DO you smell that?
>
> MET
> Smells like rhubarb…
>
> DREK
> That's no rhubarb! That's pot!
>
> MET
> You don't smoke?
>
> DREK
> Not in the goddamn church I don't!
>
> (CUT TO: CHURCH-INT-CHOIR LOFT. DREK AND METZGER BURST IN)
>
> MET
> You!
>
> (SWING AROUND TO REVEAL PHIL, HOWARD, AND TINA, SITTING, SMOKING A BLUNT)
>
> TINA
> Shit! We found him!
>
> DREK
> You know these people?
>
> MET
> Where is Unit Zero!?
>
> HOWARD
> Hold up man, just you…
>
> DREK
> They know!
>
> MET
> Yes, these are the Americans I was talking about.
>
> DREK
> They must be terminated!
>
> TINA
> Terminated!? Like dead!
>
> MET
> Now father, I don't think that's totally necessary…
>
> (BUT IT'S TOO LATE, DREK PULLS OUT A HANDGUN FROM UNDER HIS CASSOCK
> AND FIRES AT PHIL, WHO DODGES, WHIPS OUT BIGG'S SHOTGUN FROM UNDER HIS
> HEAD AND UNLOADS A ROUND INTO DREK'S HEAD, WHICH EXPLODES IN A CRIMSON
> SHOWER.)
>
> MET
> Holy Fucking Moses!
>
> HOWARD
> Whoah shit!
>
> PHIL
> You saw him man! Mother fucker tried to kill me!
>
> HOWARD
> Yeah but, Jesus, did you have to blow his fucking HEAD off!?
>
> PHIL
> Well he's dead either way.
>
> TINA
> Guys, let's bail man!
>
> HOWARD
> Good call babe. Before priest-boy comes to.
>
> (THE TRIO RUSES OUT AND DOWN THE STAIRS PAST METZGER, WHO IS STILL
> REELING IN SHOCK. EVENTUALLY HE COMES TO HIS SENSES AND RUNS AFTER
> THEM)
>
> MET
> You come back here!
>
> (CUT TO)
>
> (SCENE : CHURCH-EXT-FRONT STEPS-DAY)
>
> PHIL, HOWARD AND TINA RUN OUT OF THE FRONT DOORS OF THE CHURCH AND STOP SUDDENLY
>
> HOWARD
> Oh goddess in heaven…
>
> TINA
> Fucking hell man!
>
> PHIL
> We left the fucking door unlocked!
>
> (PULL AROUND TO SHOW THE ENTIRE CHURCH PARKING LOT SWARMING WITH
> HORRIBLE SHAMBLING MOANING ZOMBIES AND LITTERED WITH PARTIALLY
> DEVOURED CORPSES. JESUS STANDS ON TOP OF TINA'S CAR, LORDING OVER HIS
> NEW MINIONS W/ A RAGGED RED CAPE ALA TETSUO.)
>
> METZGER RUNS OUT AND STOPS
>
> MET
> Saind John and the Seven Seals!
>
> THE ZOMBIE HORDE TAKES NOTICE OF THEM
>
> TINA
> Shit! We can't shake 'em!
>
> MET
> Quickly! Fetch me some holy water lads!
>
> PHIL
> They aren't possessed Padre! They're just undead!
>
> MET
> Then what do we do!?
>
> HOWARD
> Shoot 'em in the head, or smash their skull in. Or burn 'em.
>
> PHIL
> Total bodily dismemberment usually works pretty good too.
>
> MET
> And how to you propose we do that!?
>
> PHIL
> Shh! No time for argue! We need to cook up some serious occult shit to
> deal with this crowd!
>
> HOWARD
> Right!
>
> PHIL (turning to Metzger and speaking intensely)
> Padre! You're a man of strong spiritual vibes! We need your help!
>
> MET
> Of course! Whatever you say!
>
> PHIL
> Howie! Get the card with the instructions for the Turkey Curse!
>
> HOWARD
> On it!
>
> (TINA HAS SINCE CHARKED A CIRCLE CONTAINING A SACRED CHAO AROUND WHERE
> METZGER IS STANDING. HOWARD HANDS HIM A CARD)
>
> PHIL
> Okay! Me and Howard know some pretty rough shit, so we'll man the
> offensive with Tina. And you keep up that Turkey shit, you hear?
>
> MET
> Understood!
>
> PHIL
> Right! Let's go!
>
> (SCREEN SHATTERS AND REMAINS BLACK FOR A MOMENT AS FINAL FANTASY-ESQUE
> BATTLE MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY. THEN, THE SCREEN CHANGES BACK TO THE SAME
> SCENE, BUT NOW AS A TURN BASED 2-D RPG SCENE, WITH LITTLE SPRITES OF
> PHIL, HOWARD, AND TINA AS RECOGNIZABLE RPG ARCHETYPES: BLACK MAGE
> HOWARD, RED MAGE PHIL, AND WHITE MAGE TINA. THE HORDE OF ZOMBIES ARE
> NOW REPRESENTED BY STATIC DRAWINGS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE SCREEN.
> PHIL AND HOWARD BATTLE THROUGH THEM WITH CHOPPY ANIMATIONS, WEAPONS
> NEVER ACTUALLY TOUCHING THE ZOMBIES, USING SPELLS LIKE FIRAGA 3 AND
> BLIZZARD, AND KLATU VERADA NEKTO. THEY TAKE THE OCCASIONAL HIT AND
> HAVE TO BE HEALED BY WHITE MAGE TINA, WHO GETS HIT CONSTANTLY, AND DUE
> TO HER LOW DEFENSE AND HP HAS TO BE CONSTANTLY PHOENIX DOWN'D. CUT TO
> LIVE ACTION METZGER, PERFORMING THE TURKEY CURSE, HOPPING AROUND LIKE
> A NINNY AND CHANTING)
>
> MET
> Gah-bul! Gah-bul! Gah-bul!
>
> (THE ZOMBIES HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO MAKE OF METZGER, BUT ARE SOON
> COMPLETELY SLAUGHTERED BY OUR TRIO. AS SOON AS THE LAST ONE FLASHES
> RED AND DISSAPEARS CUT TO LIVE ACTION TINA PHIL AND HOWARD PERFORMING
> VICTORY DANCE TO FANFARE, HOWARD WITH ICE-CUBES IN HIS HAND FROM
> PREVIOUS ICEAGA3 SPELL, PHIL HOLDING A SWORD, TINA WITH A STAFF AND A
> JOINT STICKING OUT HER MOUTH.)
>
> PHIL
> Jesus GOD! That shit was work. Hey, is the Padre still alive?
>
> (SHOT OF METZGER, STILL HOPPING AROUND)
>
> HOWARD
> Yep.
>
> PHIL
> Fucknuts. Oh well. Hey Jesus! Sorry to kill all your minions there, but we…
>
> (A FIST COMES OUT OF THE BLUE SUDDENLY AND DECKS PHIL, WHO FALLS DOWN)
>
> PHIL
> Ow!
>
> TINA
> What the fuck!?
>
> (PULL BACK TO SHOW THAT BIGGS AND WEDGE HAVE ARRIVED)
>
> BIGGS
> Well well well, looks like we found you.
>
> PHIL
> Well no shit Sherlock, never woulda guessed!
>
> WEDGE
> Hey, don't get smart with us! Just hand over the Jew and walk away.
>
> HOWARD
> Oh piss off. Who the fuck are you two anyways?
>
> BIGGS
> Biggs Carter.
>
> WEDGE
> Wedge Randolph.
>
> HOWARD
> Nonono, I don't care about your names. I mean who the fuck are you to
> be following us around and stalking us, and what do you want with poor
> Jesus? Are you just like weirdass Fulci fans or something?
>
> WEDGE
> Hey! Don't be knocking Fulci!
>
> BIGGS
> Yeah! Nobody does eyeball penetration like Fulci!
>
> TINA
> They're right you know.
>
> HOWARD
> Oh fuck Fulci! Romero is the master, now and forever!
>
> BIGGS
> Well fuck you!
>
> HOWARD
> No, fuck YOU you fucking Neanderthal fuckshit! Come prancing around in
> here like a couple faggot rednecks acting all tough and shit like
> you're something other than a couple simple minded hilljack…
>
> PHIL
> A-HEM.
>
> HOWARD and BIGGS
> WHAT?
>
> PHIL
> Hate to interrupt here, but Howard, baby, we have their shotgun. We
> don't NEED to justify anything, not even your preference for Boss
> Romero or Boss Fulci. And as far as I'm concerned, they're both equal
> in their respective talents. You're being dualistic.
>
> HOWARD
> Oh yeah! We still have the gun!
>
> PHIL
> And anyways, I've always preferred German Splatterhouse myself.
>
> WEDGE
> They have the gun!
>
> BIGGS
> Fuck!
>
> PHIL
> Yep, we have the gun, so go. Now. Piss off.
>
> HOWARD
> Unless you want some!
>
> TINA
> Seriously, they shot a priest!
>
> WEDGE
> A priest?
>
> TINA
> Yep, a priest.
>
> HOWARD
> Fuckin' wasted him.
>
> TINA
> Headshot. Splode.
>
> PHIL
> Boomstick, mother fucker.
>
> HOWARD
> Ka-sploosh!
>
> BIGGS
> No fucking way!
>
> TINA
> Serious. Fucking exploded.
>
> HOWARD
> Splat!
>
> PHIL
> And you're next.
>
> HOWARD
> Straight up, you.
>
> TINA
> Shocka-BOOM!
>
> PHIL
> Boom.
>
> HOWARD
> Ker-SPLAT!
>
> PHIL
> Comin' right up.
>
> TINA
> I wouldn't fuck with them.
>
> HOWARD
> Don't fuck with us.
>
> PHIL
> Unless you wanna.
>
> BIGGS
> Well maybe we will!
>
> TINA
> OH!
>
> HOWARD
> Oh my.
>
> PHIL
> You wanna try some boyos?
>
> HOWARD
> Cause we'll letcha!
>
> PHIL
> Tina, get Jesus buckled into the car, we're blowin' this joint.
>
> TINA
> Roger-Roger!
>
>
> SCENE :
> PHIL AND HOWARD AND ZOMBIE JESUS ARE WALKING ALONG SOMEWHERE IN EITHER
> KOKOMO, TIPTON, ELLWOOD, OR CICERO, MAYBE ARCADIA.
>
> ENTER: BIGGS AND WEDGE WITH A SHOTGUN)
>
> BIGGS:
> Alright mother fuckers! This time you won't get away so easily!
>
> PHIL:
> Not you two again. Why can't you just leave us alone?
>
> WEDGE:
> Shut your mouth bitch! We're not taking any more shit from you college boys!
>
> BIGGS:
> That's right! Say hello to our boomstick!
>
> HOWARD:
> Oh Jesus! They've got a fucking gun! Why are we the only ones around
> here without any fucking guns?
>
> BIGGS:
> That's right little man! And we know how to use it! So step away from
> the fucking Zombie and nobody gets hurt!
>
> WEDGE:
> Except for the Zombie.
>
> BIGGS:
> Well yeah. That goes without saying.
>
> PHIL:
> Now listen, isn't there some way we can handle this in a civilized fashion?
>
> BIGGS:
> Shut up and step away from the Zombie!
>
> HOWARD:
> Hell no! We're his disciples you Neanderthal fucktards! You can't just
> come in here waving your fucking shotgun around like that trying to
> scare us away! We found him first!
>
> JESUS:
> Braiiiiiiiiiiiiiins…
>
> BIGGS:
> Shut up Jew!
>
> WEDGE:
> Yeah! We don't take shit from Zombies and stupid college boys!
>
> HOWARD:
> Like you have room to talk about stupid! "Oh those silly college boys
> with their higher cognitive capacities and their erudite bullshit!"
>
> PHIL:
> Howard, shut the fuck up.
>
> WEDGE:
> No, YOU shut the fuck up!
>
> JESUS:
> Braiiiiiiiiiiins!
>
> WEDGE:
> Biggs, just shoot it.
>
> BIGGS:
> Yeah! Die ya fucking kike!
>
> (BIGGS FIRES THE SHOTGUN, BUT A FORCE FIELD (AT FIELD) SPRINGS UP VERY
> FAST WITH A COOL "SCHWOOM" SFX, STOPPING THE SLUG)
>
> PHIL AND HOWARD:
> Holy Hell! (in bad Japanese accent) A.T. FIELD!
>
> WEDGE:
> Fuck! That didn't work.
>
> BIGGS:
> No shit! Tell me something I don't know.
>
> JESUS:
> BRAINS! BRAAIIIIIIINS!
>
> PHIL:
> Go get 'em boss.
>
> (JESUS AMBLES ZOMBIE-STYLE TOWARDS BIGGS AND WEDGE)
>
> WEDGE:
> Shit…
>
> BIGGS:
> You haven't seen the last of us! We'll be back you fucks!
>
> WEDGE:
> Yeah! We'll be back!
>
> (BIGGS AND WEDGE RUN AWAY)
>
> HOWARD:
> God dammit. They got away. Again.
>
> PHIL:
> I wouldn't worry too much about them.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (SCENE :
> A PARKING LOT. JESUS, PHIL, AND HOWARD ARE ONSCREEN.
> ENTER: BIGGS AND WEDGE WITH A CRUCIFIX AND A SUPER SOAKER FULL OF HOLY WATER)
>
> WEDGE:
> All right you dumb fucks! We're back! And this time we're READY!
>
> HOWARD:
> Oh bloody hell.
>
> BIGGS:
> That's right college boys! And we're ready to take your little zombie down!
>
> WEDGE:
> And we won't fucking go easy on your sorry asses this time either!
>
> HOWARD:
> Oh, we're shitting our pants we're so afraid.
>
> BIGGS:
> Damn straight! You ready Wedge?
>
> WEDGE:
> Fucking A Biggs!
>
> PHIL:
> And what have you two got for us now?
>
>
> BIGGS:
> The best way to defeat a fucking ZOMBIE is what! A fucking CRUCIFIX
> AND HOLY WATER!
>
> HOWARD:
> You can't be serious. You really can't be serious!
>
> BIGGS:
> And why the fuck not?
>
> HOWARD:
> Because he's a Zombie you dumbass! Jesus, don't you two know ANYTHING?
> You don't kill a zombie with…I mean come on! Does he look like a
> fucking Vampire to you? Does he? He doesn't look like a vampire to ME.
> You…
>
> PHIL:
> Howard, just let them be. This should be amusing.
>
> HOWARD:
> Good point.
>
> PHIL:
> All right you two, have at it.
>
> BIGGS:
> That's more like it! Wedge, activate the mechanism!
>
> WEDGE:
> Yes sir!
>
> (WEDGE BEGINS TO PUMP UP THE SUPER SOAKER)
>
> JESUS:
> Brains! BRAINS!
>
> BIGGS:
> Shut the fuck up Jew-Boy.
>
> (WEDGE FIRES THE HOLY WATER AT JESUS)
>
> WEDGE:
> HA! How do you like THAT!?
>
> (JESUS IS NOT HARMED BY THE WATER, BUT INSTEAD WALKS SLOWLY TOWARDS THEM)
>
> JESUS:
> BRAINS! BRAAIIIIIIIINS!
>
> BIGGS:
> Shit! Keep it up! I'll get him with the crucifix.
>
> (HE HOLDS THE CRUCIFIX AT JESUS)
>
> BIGGS:
> Eat this hook-nose! Yeah! How do you like that bitch? Eat some fucking
> crucifix god dammit! YEAH YEAH!
>
> WEDGE:
> Ummm…Biggs…I don't think it's working.
>
> BIGGS:
> Of course it's working! Zombies can't take symbols of holiness and
> religion and shit!
>
> WEDGE:
> Oh yeah…
>
> (JESUS CONTINUES TO COME AT THEM, WALKING FASTER AND FASTER)
>
> JESUS:
> RARGH! BRAINS! BRAINS!
>
>
> HOWARD:
> Oh, this is too good.
>
> BIGGS:
> Come on Draidel Jockey! Bring it! Yeah! We've got you now bitch! Yeah!
> Bring it! Bring it!
>
> WEDGE:
> Umm, Biggs, I really don't think this is working man.
>
> BIGGS:
> Shut the fuck up! It IS working! Give it a fucking minute!
>
> WEDGE:
> But he's getting closer.
>
> JESUS:
> BRAINS!
>
> BIGGS:
> So? Just keep pouring the shit on man!
>
> JESUS:
> (NOW RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM)
> BRAAAAAAAAINS!
>
> WEDGE:
> Ummm, Biggs.
>
> BIGGS:
> I told you to shut the fuck up! When I say…
>
> JESUS:
> BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS!
>
> BIGGS:
> Aw fuck…
>
> (CUT AWAY FROM THEM TO PHIL AND HOWARD, SMILING AS BIGGS AND WEDGE
> SCREAM AS JESUS EATS THEIR BRAINS. CUT BACK TO BIGGS AND WEDGE BEING
> EATEN. LOTS OF BLOOD, BLOOD, BLOOD, BLOOD.)
>
> PHIL:
> Dumb fucks.
>
> (CUT TO: JESUS OVER THE CORPSES, SMEARED IN BLOOD. BIGGS FLINCHES A
> BIT, JESUS LEANS DOWN AND REACHES INTO HIS OPEN HEAD, PULLS OUT THE
> LAST BIT OF BRAIN AND STUFFS IT INTO HIS MOUTH. BIGGS STOPS MOVING.)
>
> JESUS:
> RAAAARGH! RAAAAAAAAAARGH!
> (HE BEGINS TO GLOW)
>
> HOWARD:
> Ummm, Phil…he's getting bigger.
>
> PHIL:
> Oh my…
>
> JESUS:
> ROOOOOOOOOOAR!
>
> HOWARD:
> Um. Shit. Shit. Shit.
>
> PHIL:
> SHIT! It must be the Holy Water!
>
> HOWARD:
> You're right! It's like fucking fertilizer!
>
> (CONTINUE TO SHOW JESUS GROWING TO ROUGHLY GODZILLA SIZE)
>
> JESUS:
> ROOOOOOOOARGH! RAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! BRAIIIIIIIINS!
>
> HOWARD:
> Well fucky damn. This is not good.
>
> (GIANT ZOMBIE JESUS AMBLES OFF)
>
> (ENTER: SATAN OFFSCREEN)
>
> SATAN:
> Well now, if it isn't Philip Dexter and Howard Ward.
>
> PHIL:
> Holy shit! Sataaaaan!
>
> HOWARD:
> Hey Satan. What's shaking?
>
> (SATAN NOW ON SCREEN)
>
> SATAN:
> Just noticing that my help is fucking dead. Would you two have any
> idea how this happened?
>
>
> HOWARD:
> These two were working for you?
>
> PHIL:
> Shit babe, this is the best you could do?
>
> SATAN:
> In this backwards fuckhole, yes.
>
> HOWARD:
> Shit, that sucks.
>
> SATAN:
> I know. And what are You two doing here? I thought you boys were
> supposed to me in Massachusetts at college.
>
> HOWARD:
> Well, you know how it goes. We found this Zombie Jesus here and we've
> just been following him around, helping him out, showing him a good
> time.
>
> PHIL:
> The usual.
>
> SATAN:
> Well that's good to know, but as you may have guessed, I'm trying to kill him.
>
> PHIL:
> Yeah, we were kind of wondering why those two shit-heads were so hard
> up to get rid of him.
>
> SATAN:
> Yes, I must say, I'm surprised to find you two taking up with him like
> this. It isn't like you.
>
> HOWARD:
> What? You think we'd pass up on this occulty goodness? No fucking way.
>
> SATAN:
> Naturally, but still I'm a little disappointed. I always thought you
> were on my side.
>
> PHIL:
> Satan, you know we don't take SIDES.
>
> HOWARD:
> That's so dualistic.
>
> SATAN:
> Well, it's nice to see you two haven't changed a bit. But still, you
> put me in a bind here. You see, I still need this Zombie killed, and I
> don't appreciate you two assisting him. Not a bit.
>
> PHIL:
> That is totally understandable, but no worries. I don't think we're
> going to be hanging out with him anymore. He's out of our hands now.
>
> HOWARD:
> Yeah, he's kinda big.
>
> SATAN:
> Of course. But you know, you can't just leave a 200 foot tall Zombie
> Jesus Christ alone to rampage about.
>
> HOWARD:
> So why don't you do something about it? You're a lot more powerful than we are.
>
> SATAN:
> I would if I could, but it's against the rules. I can't touch him.
>
> PHIL:
> Oh yeah.
>
> SATAN:
> Rules are rules, even I have to follow them.
>
> HOWARD:
> So um…what do we do now? How do we defeat a 200 foot tall undead Messiah?
>
> SATAN:
> I'm not entirely sure myself. This isn't really the kind of scenario
> I'd planned for.
>
> PHIL:
> Maybe if we just leave him be it'll all sort itself out.
>
> SATAN:
> I kind of doubt it.
>
> HOWARD:
> So we're basically fucked.
>
> SATAN:
> I'd say so.
>
> PHIL:
> God dammit.
>
> SATAN:
> My thoughts exactly.
>
> (ENTER: MARINA)
>
> MARINA:
> Oh my God! What have you idiots done to my sweet Jesus!?
>
> HOWARD:
> Hey, don't look at us lady! It was the redneck dumbshits. They hosed
> him down with Holy Water.
>
> MARINA:
> Shit!
>
> PHIL:
> Yeah…we were about to leave.
>
> MARINA:
> You aren't going anywhere until we've saved him! I can't let the one I
> love be left vulnerable like that!
>
> HOWARD:
> Vulnerable? Listen babe, I don't think he's really the vulnerable one here.
>
> (WE HEAR JESUS OFFSCREEN)
>
> JESUS:
> BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS!
>
> PHIL:
> Yeah…I think he can take care of himself, he's a big-boy.
>
> HOWARD:
> A really fucking big boy.
>
> SATAN:
> Pardon me, but just who the fuck are you?
>
> MARINA:
> My name is Marina Magdalina, and I am going to spend the rest of my
> life loving and caring for my sweet kind gentle Jesus.
>
> SATAN:
> Uh-huh. I see.
>
> HOWARD:
> Yeah, she's been a pain in the ass.
>
> MARINA:
> A pain in the ass? How is trying to protect the one I love from you
> creeps a pain in the ass!? And who is the floozy here?
>
> SATAN:
> I'm not a floozy. I'm Satan, Lord of Darkness, Princess of lies, the
> Adversary. You know?
>
> MARINA:
> You're Satan!? You're trying to hurt my Jesus!
>
> SATAN:
> Was trying. Things are out of my hands now thanks to my hired help.
>
> MARINA:
> You bitch! How dare you do this to him! Who do you think you are?!
>
> SATAN:
> I already told you. Now fuck off. I'm about to be out of a job
> anyways, I don't need to take shit from you.
>
> MARINA:
> You can't tell me to fuck off!
>
> SATAN:
> I can and I did, now go away before I MAKE you go away.
>
> PHIL:
> So what now boss?
>
> SATAN:
> Eh, life's a bitch, we're gonna die.
>
> PHIL:
> So fuck the world…
>
> HOWARD:
> And let's get high.
>
>
> SATAN:
> Sounds like a plan.
>
> (EXIT: SATAN, HOWARD, and PHIL)
>
> (ENTER: FATHER METZGER)
>
> MET:
> Holy Mary Mother of God! This can't be!
>
> MARINA:
> You! You're that priest!
>
> MET:
> You there! What happened to him!?
>
> MARINA:
> It was those horrible rednecks and those disgusting perverts! They've
> done this to him!
>
> MET:
> By the Saints and Angels! This is horrible! (he pulls out his cell
> phone and makes a call)
>
> (CUT TO: CARDINAL FANG AND RUSSIAN BISHOP AT THE VATICAN,
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (SCENE : THE VATICAN- THE POPE'S THRONE-ROOM. THE POPE IS SEATED ON
> HIS THRONE AT THE TOP OF A LONG FLIGHT OF STAIRS, A GIANT WINDOW
> OVERLOOKING VATICAN CITY BEHIND HIM. HE IS BREATHING WITH THE
> ASSISTANCE OF AN OXYGEN TANK)
>
> (ENTER: GUARD PRIESTS, PHIL, HOWARD, SATAN, AND FATHER METZGER. SATAN
> IS ON A WHELLED PLATFORM, TRAPPED INSIDE A MAGICK CIRCLE. THE GUARDS
> HAVE HOWARD AND PHIL HANDCUFFED AND ARE ESCORTING THEM. SATAN IS
> WHEELED IN ON HER PLATFORM. THEY STOP AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS.)
>
> MET:
> Holy Father, we've recovered Unit 00.
>
> POPE:
> Excellent, and who are these people?
>
> MET:
> Two Americans who tried to interfere, and Lucifer, Princess of Lies etc.
>
> POPE:
> Ah Satan, we meet at last old foe.
>
> SATAN:
> Foe? DO you have any idea how much you people OWE me!?
>
> POPE:
> Silence Evil One! You've interfered in God's Great Plan for the last
> time. Now you will sit back and observe the Ultimate Triumph of Good
> Over Evil! Metzger!
>
> MET:
> Yes your Holiness?
>
> POPE:
> Where is Unit Zero at this point?
>
> MET:
> He's in the Lab, Dr. West is preparing to begin Psychic Transfer to
> the Mass Production Models.
>
> POPE:
> Excellent. Tell me, Americans, do you believe in God?
>
> PHIL:
> Very many of them, yes.
>
>
>
> POPE:
> Silly Pagans. Well, soon you shall see the Power of the ONE TRUE GOD!
> OUR GOD! Metzger, establish a video link with West. I want these
> heathen swine to see everything.
>
> HOWARD:
> We already know what you're planning. We hacked into the Office of
> Apocalyptic Affair's Mainframe. That's how we found Z.J.
>
> POPE:
> Z.J.?
>
> PHIL:
> Zombie Jesus. Z.J. We know you're trying to create an army of violent
> Clone Jesii to initiate Armageddon and control the world.
>
> HOWARD:
> But something went wrong, didn't it? You didn't realize that you can't
> control Jesus with computers and clone technologies.
>
> PHIL:
> You overlooked that Jesus needed a friend, not a master. You tried to
> enslave him, and he rebelled against you. He destroyed your precious
> Vatican and escaped to America.
>
> HOWARD:
> He could have destroyed many more people in his rage. But he found
> something. The Power of Friendship.
>
> SATAN:
> Oh please you two. Just shut up now.
>
> POPE:
> Well, aren't you two clever now? I'm impressed, you would have both
> made excellent Cardinals. But I'm afraid it's too late for that now.
>
> HOWARD:
> Are you sure?
>
> POPE:
> Positive.
>
> MET:
> Father, the video uplink is ready.
>
>
> POPE:
> Excellent, put it on the monitor.
>
> (WE NOW SEE THAT THERE IS A VERY LARGE MONITOR IN THE POPE'S
> THRONE-ROOM, IT FLICKERS TO LIFE AND DR. WEST APPEARS ON IT.
> (REALISTICALLY WE'LL PROBABLY JUST ZOOM IN ON A NORMAL TV THEN CUT TO:
> )
>
> (OFFICE OF APOCALYPTIC AFFAIRS -SUB-BASEMENT E- CONTROL ROOM. DR. WEST
> IS AT HIS PLATFORM, LOOKING STRAIGHT INTO THE CAMERA. CUT BACK AND
> FORTH BETWEEN THE POPE AND DR. WEST, WITH THE OCCASIONAL SHOT OF PHIL,
> HOWARD, AND SATAN)
>
> WEST:
> Holy Father, hello.
>
> POPE:
> Doctor West, how are things going?
>
> WEST:
> Well sir. We've returned Unit Zero to chryo-stasis in the LCL Tube,
> it's in much better shape than we'd thought. We're finalizing system
> checks for Mass Psychic Transfer.
>
> POPE:
> Are you certain everything will work this time?
>
> WEST:
> Yes sir, we've made adjustments according to the data from last time
> and added several new layers of protection. Even if there's an error
> this time we'll be able to contain it.
>
> POPE:
> Excellent. Proceed, tell us when you begin the transfer.
>
> WEST:
> Yes Sir.
>
> (BACK TO THRONE-ROOM)
>
> POPE:
> As you can see, this time things will work.
>
> SATAN:
> Arrogant Humans. How can you be so sure? Don't you realize the risk
> you're taking? Some things just aren't meant to be.
>
> POPE:
> Yes, things that violate the Will of God! Things like YOU!
>
> SATAN:
> Idiots! Don't you see? You people were given free will for a reason!
> It's not as Simple as God's Will versus Against God's Will! didn't it
> ever occur to you that God gave YOU a will for a reason?
>
> HOWARD:
> Fuck yeah! Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law!
>
> POPE:
> Silence your insolent mouths!
>
> HOWARD:
> Oh what are you going to do you geriatric old coot? Look how easy it
> would be for me to break this Circle! Then Satan could whoop up on
> your senile ass! See, check this shit out man!
>
> (HOWARD LEANS OVER TO BRUSH AWAY PART OF SATAN'S CIRCLE WITH HIS HAIR,
> BUT THEN THE POPE STANDS STRAIGHT UP, EXTENDS AN ARM, AND PROCEEDS TO
> BLAST HOWARD WITH LIGHNING FROM HIS FINGERTIPS)
>
> HOWARD:
> Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
>
> (HOWARD COLLAPSES ONTO THE GROUND, WRITHING IN PAIN)
>
> POPE:
> I wouldn't try that again, American. There is nothing you can do
> except watch. (HUGE EVIL LAUGHTER INTERRUPTED BY A FIT OF COUGHING)
>
> PHIL:
> Howard, are you okay man?
>
> HOWARD:
> Yeah…I think so. But shit that hurt.
>
> POPE:
> As well it should. Stupid fools, you have no idea the power you're
> playing with. Now observe.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (SCENE :VATICAN-JAIL:
> PHIL, HOWARD, AND SATAN ARE INSIDE A CELL, SATAN IN A PROTECTIVE
> CIRCLE TO KEEP HER POWERS CONTAINED., PHIL IS SCRATCHING AT THE CIRCLE
> WITH A QUARTER OR A POCKET KNIFE OR SOMETHING)
>
> PHIL:
> Goddamn thing won't rub off!
>
> HOWARD:
> I told you man, just give up. You'll only die tired, and with
> completely fucked up fingernails.
>
> PHIL:
> Dammit… why don't you try helping then eh?
>
> HOWARD:
> Oh what am I going to do? Call the fucking security guard and have him
> come and open the fucking door?
>
> SATAN:
> It's worth a shot. He's male, I have tits, it may work.
>
> PHIL:
> Oh like you were much help back there Miss Lucifer Morningstar fuckin'
> MOST POWERFUL OF THE FUCKING ANGELS! Coulda flashed the Guards them
> titties BEFORE they put us in here maybe, but naaaw, we'll wait.
>
> SATAN:
> Well it's not like I can really do anything anyways, they've got me in
> this fucking circle.
>
> PHIL:
> Which won't rub off!
>
> SATAN:
> And besides, I wasn't the one on the floor screaming like a little
> bitch when the pope whipped out those pissy little lightning zaps.
>
> (ENTER TINA: OFFSCREEN)
>
> TINA:
> Hey guys!
>
> HOWARD:
> Tina!
>
>
> SATAN:
> Who?
>
> PHIL:
> Tina Leary, Stoner Goddess Extraordinaire!
>
> TINA: (NOW ON CAMERA)
> Damn straight you guys! And who is your friend?
>
> HOWARD:
> Satan Lucifer, Princess of Darkness!
>
> TINA:
> Tits! THE Satan?
>
> SATAN:
> For the moment, but if we don't stop them and their Zombie Jesii, I'm
> out of a fucking job!
>
> HOWARD:
> Hey, how the fuck did you get in here anyways?
>
> TINA:
> I don't really know, I just show up, you know?
>
> PHIL:
> But how did you get past the guards?
>
> TINA:
> Oh, I just flashed them.
>
> HOWARD:
> OH MY GOD! SEE! SEE! You could learn something form her Satan!
>
> SATAN:
> Oh shut up lighning boy.
>
> PHIL:
> But still, how the fuck do we get out of here?
>
> TINA:
> No worries guys, I have a plan!
>
> (CUT TO: GUARD. WE SEE A FINGER TAP SAID GUARD ON HIS NOT YET
> AFOREMENTIONED SHOULDER. GUARD TURNS AROUND)
>
>
> GUARD:
> What the…?
>
> (WE HEAR A CHAINSAW REV UP AND SEE IT COME DOWN ON GUARD EITHER
> THROUGH THE HEAD OR THE SHOULDER, WHATEVER WILL LOOK BETTER.
> BLOOOOOOOOD BABY!)
>
> GUARD:
> AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! (GURGLY SCREAMS)
>
> (CUT TO: JITTERY CAMERA RUNNING UP HALLWAY TOWARDS TWO MORE GUARDS,
> CHAINSAW SOUNDS REVVING, PERHAPS SEE THE BLADE OF THE CHAINSAW TO
> ZGIVE IT THAT FIRST-PERSON-SHOOTER ala DOOM LOOK. GUARDS TURN TO SEE
> CHAINSAW AND THEIR FACES CONTORT INTO HORRIBLE MISSHAPEN MASKS OF
> SHEER UNADAULERATED TERROR, ASSUMING THE ACTORS CAN MANAGE THAT.
> SCREAMS. CHAINSAW GOES THROUGH THE GUT OF ONE AND POSSIBLY OUT THE
> SIDE THEN UP, DECAPPITATING THE OTHER, WITH COPIOUS RED.)
>
> (CUT TO: BOTTOM OF STARIS, CAMERA GOES UP THEM, SHOWING THE MUTILATED
> CHAINSAW'D BODIES OF THE GUARDS THAT LAY IN PIECES EVERYWHERE, BLOOD
> SPATTERED OVER ALL THE WALLS.)
>
> (MORE SCENES OF RANDOM AND INTENSELY STYLISH (OF COURSE) CARNAGE, CUT TO)
>
> (SCENE : THE POPE'S THRONE ROOM. POPE IS SITTING ON HIS CHAIR, TWO
> CARDINALS WITH SPEARS STAND GUARD. SUDDENLY THE DOOR IS KICKED OPEN
> AND PHIL, HOWARD, SATAN, AND TINA BURST IN, HOWARD HOLDING A BLOODIED
> CHAINSAW)
>
> HOWARD:
> Sup bitch?
>
> POPE:
> What in God's name? How did you escape!?
>
> PHIL:
> With a little help from our friends baby.
>
> TINA:
> Fuckin' yeah!
>
> POPE:
> Blast! Guards, seize them!
>
> (GUARDS COME AT THEM WITH THEIR SPEARS OR WHATEVER WEAPONS AND BOTH
> ARE CHAINSAW'D NICELY IN A BIG BLOODY MESS. PHIL, HOWARD, AND SATAN GO
> UP TO THE POPE, PHIL PUNCHES HIM SQUARE IN THE FACE, POPE STEPS BACK)
>
>
> POPE:
> GO GO POPECOPTER!
>
> (HIS HAT OPENS UP TO REVEAL A HELICOPTER THING, WHICH BEGINS TO SPIN)
>
> POPE:
> HAHAHAHAHA! See you in Hell AMERICANS!
>
> (POPE BEGINS TO FLY UP, BUT TINA JUMPS UP AND CATCHES HIS LEG, PULLING
> HIM DOWN TO THE GROUND, WHEN WE NEXT CUT TO HIM HIS HAT WILL BE CLOSED
> AND NORMAL)
>
> TINA:
> Now hold the fuck up man, you ain't going anywhere!
>
> POPE:
> Damn you! Very well then, TO HEL WITH YOU WORTHLESS INFIDELS!
>
> (THE POPE RAISES HIS HANDS TO BLAST THE GROUP WITH HIS EVIL LIGHTNING,
> BUT HOWARD RUNS UP AND LOPS BOTH OF HIS HANDS RIGHT OFF WITH THE
> CHAINSAW, DRAWING COPIOUS BLOOD AT A HIGH PRESSURE, THEN SWINGS UP TO
> CUT THE POPE'S HAT IN HALF, DRAWING HUGE AMMOUNTS OF BLOOD FROM THE
> HAT ITSELF)
>
> HOWARD:
> Chainsaw motherfucker.
>
> PHIL:
> Now listen up you fuck eating fuck-face, where the fuck is our fucking
> Zombie Jesus?
>
> POPE:
> Please don't hurt me! I'm the Pope!
>
> HOWARD:
> Ooooh, Philip, he's the Pope man! We can't hurt the Pooooope! HA!
>
> PHIL:
> As you can see, my chainsaw brandishing friend here isn't moved. Now
> maybe if you tell us where we can find Jesus, then Maybe we can
> discuss the finer details of us not carving you up right here, eh?
>
> POPE:
> You wouldn't dare!
>
> (HOWARD REVS THE CHAINSAW)
>
> TINA:
> Dude, he cut your fucking hands right off! I wouldn't push it.
>
> POPE:
> No! I won't stand for this! I will…
>
> PHIL:
> Alright, we get your point. Howard?
>
> (CHAINSAW REVVV)
>
> POPE:
> Alright! Alright! He's in the clone lab in sub-basement E! West is
> preparing to re-do the psychic transferral procedures into the
> improved Omega Unit!
>
> SATAN:
> Omega unit?
>
> POPE:
> Yes, Unit Zero was just a prototype, Jesus Omega is the ultimate form
> of the Genetic Christ Code.
>
> SATAN:
> Like some kind of Super Jesus?
>
> POPE:
> Yes, in a matter of speaking.
>
> TINA:
> Shit man! That's just fucked up!
>
> SATAN:
> A Super Jesus…you humans never cease to amaze me.
>
> HOWARD:
> Well your Holiness, thank you for your cooperation on finding our
> friend, and now I'm afraid I have to kill you.
>
> POPE:
> But you said…!
>
> PHIL:
> We said "maybe". Sorry babe, ain't nothing going.
>
> POPE:
> You cowardly heathen Americans!
>
> PHIL:
> Cowards? Maybe, but hey, we get the job done.
>
> POPE:
> GODDAMN AMERICANS!
>
> (HOWARD BRINGS IT DOWN AND CARVES THE POPE CLEAR UP)
>
> HOWARD:
> God bless America.
>
> PHIL:
> Amen to that brother.
>
> SATAN:
> So now that I'm free let's go kill us a Zombie!
>
> TINA:
> Aw HELL no! We can't hurt Jesus!
>
> SATAN:
> What do you mean we can't hurt him? We have to destroy him, ALL of
> them! And everyone involved in creating him! Otherwise they might be
> able to do it AGAIN!
>
> HOWARD:
> But we can't kill HIM! He's our fucking master man!
>
> PHIL:
> Yeah, we can't kill our master!
>
> SATAN:
> So what do you propose we do then?
>
> HOWARD:
> I think just killing everyone involved in the project would be good enough.
>
> SATAN:
> And what will we do with the Zombie? We can't leave him lose in the
> world. He's still Jesus and he isn't supposed to come back yet! It's
> a;ready fucking with the whole metaphysical order of things! It'll
> plunge the world into darkness!
>
> HOWARD:
> What are you bitching about? Darkness is your scene.
>
> SATAN:
> Only when I'm creating it.
>
> HOWARD:
> Fucking control freak…
>
>
>