Morning Surprises

SteamyChowder May 26th, 2017 (edited) 1,159 Never
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  1. I awaken from my peaceful slumber by jumping out of bed after feeling something brush up against my leg. It felt like a spider, and I really don't like spiders. Especially when they're in my bed. I hastily swat and mat myself down, to make sure I don't have any of those blasted things on me anymore.
  3. Once I have made sure, and doubly sure on top of that, I crawl back into bed to get some more sleep. It's not yet time to get up for another hour, so I can enjoy the gentle warmth of my blankets for a little longer-
  5. ...wait. Something is wrong.
  7. It feels like there's someone else in my bed, but that's not right. My wife is dead, may she rest and torment spirits in peace, and my Clara has long passed through her night terror phase, so there should be nobody else in this bed besides me. So who in the fuck-a-duck is in my second most sacred sanctum after my bathroom?!
  9. I feel around under the covers to find out who it is, and start feeling something....hairy. Did a stray dog sneak in? Or some feral tiger from the zoo?! I feel around some more, and get a handful of pleasantly soft flesh and a light moan from next to me.
  11. "Nngh, I don't think I can handle any more 'Punishment', Joe~" A drowsy, yet familiar, voice comes from under the covers next to me.
  13. Having enough of this, I pull away the blankets away from the bed, mystery person, and I in one quick motion. Laying next to me, wearing nothing but a collar around her neck, is the very masochistic gym teacher I am acquainted with at my job as a borderline chemical weapons teacher. She is smiling and blushing in her sleep, even though her body is covered in marks and red spots that suggest she was slapped roughly and wearing a harness tightly.
  15. The sight before me bewilders me and shocks me to my core. What did I do last night?! I look around my room and notice a large amount of empty beer cans and liquor bottle scattered across the place. It gives me a general idea as to what I did last night...
  16. "Claire, Claire," I ask the red headed freak next to me while shaking her in an attempt at waking her up. But she doesn't respond, merely giggling lightly. Is she a heavy sleeper?
  18. Okay, I just need to get dressed and try waking her up before Clara comes by-
  20. "Dad!" My little pile of dragon scales and her blessed talent of making my life harder bursts through my closed door, like a chest burster from Aliens, with no concern for using the knob to open it like a normal person, "Did you have another spider in your bed?! Don't worry, I got the hair spray and zippo-" She stops upon seeing me, naked, and Clare in my bed, naked as well. Without saying another word, she slowly slithers out of the hole she made. Backwards. Without ending her glare at me.
  22. "Grand, can things get any harder from here on?" I ask a hypothetical question to the very fabric of reality in jest, tempting fate like an idiot.
  24. Right as I finish, Claire, still asleep going by her breathing pattern and closed eyes, grabs my crotch with her hand and lazily fondles it.
  26. "..."
  28. A muffled "Crikey" and some giggling come from the window behind me. I pull the string and close the shutters. Or are they blinds? Doesn't matter right now.
  30. --------
  32. "Alright, I'll go ahead of you! See you at work!" Says the peppy and currently glowing Werewolf before she blows me a kiss and leaves through my front door.
  34. Once She's gone, I slump onto my dining table and spasm violently as I try to come to terms with what happened. This isn't good. Wait, no, I meant this is good, but bad. I mean, when was the last time I got laid? Or even masturbated? I should drink my coffee before I do something stupid-or more stupid than normal.
  36. I reach for my cup and take a hearty sip, which prompts Clara to pop out from under the table like an oversized jack-in-the-box and glare at me with inquisitive eyes, and not the "I'm curious" kind, no, these are the "Spanish Inquisition is about to preform a penis inspection on a heretic" kind. It's highly unsettling and ruins my Irish coffee.
  38. "Who was that?" She asks, staring into my eyes with her own reptilian pair.
  40. "That was my coworker." I answer honestly, adding some Irish Cream to my coffee. "She is the school's gym teacher."
  42. "I don't remember her being the gym teacher."
  44. "Things have changed since you were in school, remember? Or have all those dodge balls jumbled your memory?"
  46. "Please don't bring up the dodge balls..." Clara's body trembles as she tries to suppress the memories of past gym classes. Truly, only a sadist would make a monster with such a long body that's a pain to move around play that game. It was a tiny bit funny watching her get pelted by balls endlessly, but it did become a bit much after a while.
  48. "Wait, wasn't she at the hospital that one time?" She asks while putting a hand to her chin.
  50. "Who wasn't?" I reply with a huff. Even the mailman was there. "And does it really matter if I slept with her? Last I checked I was single what with your mother, may she torture those in the afterlife with Mario Party in peace, being dead, so if I wanted to screw a coworker or dress up in a clown outfit, call myself 'Mr. Hands', and fist Centaurs into submission, then I can."
  52. "What." She says flatly.
  54. "I don't know, I'm just rambling. But let''s discuss this another time," I mumble as I pull out my smartphone.
  56. "What're you doing?"
  58. "I'm going to call in and tell the school I won't be able to teach today. Maybe see if that one Lich or whoever can fill in for me as a sub."
  60. With a quick little call, I effectively get the day off, and all for the mere cost of some of my hard earned time off!
  62. "So you're going to be here for today?" Clara questions me with a look of unease.
  64. I waggle my cup of coffee as an answer before pouring more alcohol in it, "I need some time to deal with current events at my own pace, and I don't need to listen to a bunch of kids asking how to make dynamite or chloroform. Why do you ask?"
  66. "Oh, I may need some help with an issue at home," She replies meekly.
  68. "At home? Does it have to do with those two who keep dirtying up my windows?" I point to the window behind me, with a young harpy and Succubus pressing their faces up against the widow and smudging it up, "Because I thought I told you to just spray them with the hose, and whip them with it if they don't get the hint."
  70. "No, it's not them. It has to do with something else."
  72. "Something else?"
  74. "Yeah, follow me." She gets up and I follow her out to the back yard. In place of my little garden is a fairly large wooden shrine, with a white....everything Lamia sweeping around the front of it with a broom. I stare in disbelief at missing this thing being in my backyard for any period of time. Just how long has this BEEN here?!
  76. "The hell?" I state in confusion.
  78. "The shrine wasn't here yesterday, but that girl was stalking around here and refused to leave after seeing me." Clara explains while the we stare at the Lamia in the Japanese shrine maiden fetish outfit sweep the ground, as she hasn't even noticed us yet. "I told her to get out, but she just started bowing and worshiping the ground below me while spouting nonsense about serving me as a 'most loyal servant'. I tried spraying her with the hose, but she just started smiling and thanking me for the 'blessing. Dad, please do something. I'm scared of this."
  80. I stare at a the snake girl a little longer as I contemplate on how to handle things. She looks somewhat familiar, as if I  have seen her, or someone similar, before... But where?
  82. As I think my thoughts, two more white snake girls pop up and start conversing with the one using the broom, who I shall dub Sweepy, before one finally notices us and gets the others to notice as well.
  83. With the zealous fervor of a thousand catholic child molesters before the Pope. the trio of albino shrine maiden snakes prostrate themselves before Clara as if she was a figure of divine importance made manifest on the very earth before them. It's truly a sight to behold; a bunch of crazy people worshiping my daughter. Overall they look almost identical, with only their hair styles and slightly differing expressions giving them any real identities.
  85. "Greetings, oh divine Mistress." Says the one with a stern look on her face and a prim and proper hime cut.
  86. "Good morning, Mistress!" Shouts the youthful and energetic looking one with a pony tail.
  87. "Hello, Mistress...." The third and final one with hair over her right eye quietly speaks.
  89. The three reply at the same time, creating a mix and match of conflicting voices and showcasing their odd personalities.
  91. "See what I mean?" Clara says while hiding herself behind me and glaring at the three devout crazy people with contempt. "Can we get rid of them now? Should we use the wasp spray instead of the hose this time?"
  93. I tap my chin in deep thought as I try to remember where I've seen white snakes before, and if it's worth it to use wasp spray and if we could legally come out unscathed. It finally comes to me like a tidal wave after a few seconds of stroking my thoughts.
  95. "Ah, wait, I think I know what they are," I reveal my realization to my Ryu daughter and hold her in place to both reassure her and make sure she doesn't head for the wasp spray. That stuff isn't cheap. "I can't remember their names at all-,"
  97. "We are called Shirohebi, unenlightened one," The stern and serious one, Or Sweepy, interjects.
  99. "-Right, anyway," I continue. "They're basically cultists who gather around Ryu and do chores and manual labor for them to earn their favor, and such. I remember seeing your mother and grandmother shoo off a few many years ago."
  101. "Cultists?!" The energetic snake says as her face twists and contorts in anger.
  102. "..." The third one just hangs her head down in depression."
  104. "So, I take it you three gathered in my yard to idolize Clara and uproot my tomato sprouts to erect a shrine to her?" I ask the trio with a hint of annoyance in my voice.
  106. The serious one nods her head. "Yes, we are here to worship young Clara and ensure she is properly taken care of. However I must as who you are, unenlightened one? Why are you so close to the divine one? And why you are trespassing on this land?" She starts unleashing a chain of questions that are borderline demands.
  108. I scoff and try to hold back laughing in her face. "Me? Trespassing? I own this land you're effectively trespassing on, and I'd I highly recommend replanting my garden or else I'll shove a boot up each of your asses. And as her father, I'd say me being close is expected, idiots."
  110. Upon hearing this new bit of information, the three start bowing before me as well and start releasing a series of apologies that sound more like a cassette player going haywire than anything legible.
  112. "Stop what you're doing and get to replanting my garden, or at least start up a new one with the same plants." I state flatly to the three. The youthful and quiet one quickly head off after nodding and start digging next to the shrine. Hopefully they'll finish before sundown, or else I'll have to buy another pair of boots.
  114. "I am truly sorry for inconveniencing you and your most excellent daughter with our error," The more serious and mature acting of the three once again apologizes to me while bowing her head. "We only wished to serve as humble servants to a most divine Ryu, not upset both her and her noble father."
  116. Noble father? Kind of flattering to hear, if utterly stupid and odd.
  118. "That's grand, but just leave already!" Clara bark out from behind my shoulder.
  120. "I'm afraid we can not abandon our duties towards you. Especially after our mistake in destroying the garden, thinking it belonged to your manservant instead of your father."
  122. Grand. They don't want to leave. Fucking god damn it-
  124. "Wait, you're effectively here to serve, right?" I ask the main Hebi that isn't digging and covered in dirt.
  126. "Yes, in any way you two shall see fit." She calmly confirms.
  128. "What are you getting at? I don't like where this is going." Clara mutters out while resting her chin on my shoulder.
  130. "Well, if they want to stay, or should I say refuse to leave, and are more than willing to 'serve', then why not have them do chores and help out around the house?" I propose my idea to Clara and the nameless white snake. Normally I'd have to drive to Home Depo and pay some illegals for landscaping and basic chores I don't want to do, but this will save me money and a call to my local Ice or La Migra to deport them.
  132. "WHAT!?" Clara immediately shows displeasure and confusion to my idea.
  134. "Oh come now, I've needed more sets of hands around the house that does more than cook food and drink maple syrup because they watched Super Troopers one too many times."
  136. "No, you just want to be lazy."
  138. "That's also true, but this is also for you. You need to interact with more than just your grandparents, those social rejects you play board games with every now and then, and I. Who knows, you might actually become fast friends!"
  140. "No."
  142. "This is fine with you guys, right?" I ask the alabaster scaled girl with the lower half of a snake, who seems to smile at the turn of events.
  144. "It is perfectly fine for us, oh keeper of the land," She speaks formerly in that weird way once more.
  146. "And that's that," I conclude this series of events with one final saying, regardless of Clara attempting to begin a temper tantrum. But after a few minutes of huffing, puffing, and blowing hot air, she'll slither back to her room to vent until she's ready to accept my decisions. Now then...
  148. "Do any of you know how to brew beer or ferment apple juice?" I ask my new Shirohebi wo-man servant.
  150. "I'm afraid not," She candidly replies with a look of regret.
  152. "Can you at least repair a shed?"
  154. "Yes, we are confident in our building capabilities and wood working."
  156. "Good, because that's where you'll be sleeping after you fix it up. You're not allowed in the house unless I say otherwise, by the way."
  158. "I-I see."
  160. "Also, there may be a few wasp nests around and inside it, so you'll have to deal with them. You may use a broom, but not my wasp pray, because that stuff doesn't grow on trees," I issue forth more information to the snake woman, who looks a tad bit annoyed at all that, and slithers off to where the shed is.
  162. I take the chance to take a gander at the other two who are working on making my new garden. I take a sip of my coffee in satisfaction over the progress they have done so far in just the span of a short while.
  164. "By the way," I speak up at the two, and they look my way without stopping their jobs. "Seeds are in the garage, so plant them when you're done. Also, don't touch the bike unless you want me to tan your hides before kicking you three to the curb."
  166. Ah, it feels great to own land. Once more I take a satisfying sip and gaze up to the sun.
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