Games & Gleaming

>Be Anon
>Horseland is weird
>There are a lot of differences, obviously.
>In a world of candy colored (but not candy coated. You checked. Rule #6 is now 'Anon may not lick ponies without their express consent' because only Pinkie Pie is allowed to munch on her cotton candy tail) horses, there are going to be differences.
>But a lot of things are really similar too.
>Like Colta-Cola
>Doesn't taste a thing like Coke, but it's almost identical to Dr Pepper.
>Another striking similarity is the bureaucracy.
>Apparently, you're the only human here.
>Like, ever.
>And since you're the only one, to some chucklefuck that makes you qualified to be an ambassador.
>And ambassadors get
"I'm sorry, what was your name again?"
>"Shield, Ambassador Anonymous. Gleaming Shield"
>Yeah, her.
>According to the Princess (who, by the way, was the only horse around here you can look in the eye) she was a combination bodyguard, tour guide, and "Professional friend", whatever the hell that's supposed to mean.
>"Sir, we really should get going. It's getting dark"
"Right, right. Lead the way, Miss Shield"
>Your new pony "friend" leads the way from the palace to a nearby house.
>Stone, big windows, three stories. Nice place.
>You open the door, and kick off your shoes, because fuck those things.
>Wouldn't wear them at all, but walking on stone barefoot sucks
>Gleaming seems to take her cue from you, removing her helmet and laying it on the coffee table
>Despite that, she stands at what you assume is attention for a pony
"You know, I'm pretty sure we're not going to be attacked any time soon. You can have a seat, relax a bit"
>"Oh thank merciful Celestia, I have to get this finished"
>She makes herself comfortable, and begins fondling herself under her armor
>Or looking for something
>Probably fondling.
"So, want some coffee?"
>You're not going to be sleeping any time soon anyway. Never could sleep in a new place
>"Yes, please. Black, two sugars?"
"Sure"
>As you putter around the kitchen trying to remember how to work a percolator, Gleaming takes a bag out from under her breastplate
>Do they still call it a breastplate? They don't have breasts.
>Meh, whatever.
>She removes a few pieces of paper and a charcoal pencil
"Whatcha working on?"
>"Ehheheheheh.... I'm sure you wouldn't be interested, sir. Just guardmare stuff"
"Try me"
>"W-well...every week, a few of the other guards and myself get together to blow off some steam."
>You pour her coffee and your own, bringing it over and making yourself comfortable on the slightly too small chair
>She sips
"So it's a guest list for an orgy?"
>And now you have seen everything. The spit take is real, say amen
>"N-N-NO! Why would you even say that?! Why would you even think that!?"
"Because you were stalling. So what's the paper?"
>She sighs with the force of a thousand mothers who aren't angry, just disappointed
>"It's my character sheet for Burrows and Basalisks"
"Huh. Game with dice and wizards and mighty thews and shit?"
>"Oh, you've played?" The horse is excited, like you just revealed you're secretly made out of chocolate or something
>Hopefully the no licking rule works both ways
>Seriously, that stare is a little unnerving
"Something similar, a few times"
>Almost every week for the better part of sixteen years.
>"I didn't even know that kind of game existed here. Of course, only being in the palace for three days..."
>"Well, if you want...I know you don't really have a lot of friends here yet, so I could probably find you a spot in the game, maybe?"
>Those hopeful eyes
>That lip quiver
[spoiler]>them flanks [/spoiler]
"Eh, why not? Could be fun"


>Next day
>Zero sleep
>And Gleaming just will not stop
>Game books everywhere
>You decided to play a minotaur, they're buff, and have hands
>Fuck yeah, hands
>As for classes...
>"I really think you should play a support class, sir. It would put your character further from danger, and increase survivability"
"Yeah, except that's retarded. Monk or bust."
>"Monks don't even wear armor!"
>This has been going for an hour now
>It's sweet, really
>She just wants to keep you safe
>Apparently, that's kind of her thing
>But, you have decided. You're gonna be a big burly bone breaking bruser and that's all there is to it.
>"At least play a ranged class. A Mystic Archer or a Runeweilder"
>She opens the book, showing the Runeweilder class.
>Looks something like an artificer, with a heavy focus on making enchanted weapons and ammo
>Wait
>Heheheheh
>It doesn't say anywhere that they have to be ranged weapons.
"Ok, I think I can live with the rune guy."
>Her face lights up
>"Thank you, sir. I promise you won't lose a single hit point on my watch"
>She actually salutes
>It's adorable.
>It's almost a shame what's going to happen
"So, this is a standard d20 system, yeah?"
>She nods, mane falling into her face.
>She blows it aside
>"Yeah, d20 plus bonuses minus circumstances. Damage dice is by weapon, or by rune in your case"
>You nod. This is remarkably similar to Pathfinder, with a few interesting differences
>"So explain to me why unicorns are the only ones allowed to be arcane casters?"
>She looks almost shocked
>"They're not! Deer, caribou, and reindeer can be too!"
"I'm sensing a pattern here"
>She looks confused
>You reach out and flick her horn
>"Ohhh. Yeah, arcane magic requires a horn or horns to use. It's a realism thing"
"Neat. Never thought I would actually live in a dungeons and dragons setting"
>Even if it is the most G-rated, kiddy tier one possible
>"That's your version of the game from your home, right?"
"Yup. No magic there, so this whole world is the closest I've ever been to the game"
>The game.
>That's what you always called it back home, with your group.
>Because it's the only one that matters.
>Her eyes go wide at that
>"No magic? At all? But how does your Sun work? How do the seasons change? How do you treat illness? Without magic, civilization is impossible! Every race here has magic, of one kind or another."
"In order, physics, the same physics, and specialized poisons."
>"Huh?"
"Never mind. So I think I'm just about done here, all I need for him is a name"


>You look at your sheet
>The book says that culturally, minotaur names tend to contain a metal
>And you smile, knowing what it must be
"Brass Knuckle, Minotaur Runeweilder. Yeah, I can live with that"
>Gleaming smiles, looking for all the world like a mother watching her child walk for the first time
>"Do you want me to look over your sheet? I know some of the calculations can be confusing for newer players"
"Nah, I got it"
>Can't let her see that you took every Hoof to Hoof feat, Earth Vitality, or Bull Rush.
>The last one is Minotaur specific, allowing use of the horns as weapons on a charge.
>As you finish up the last few items, your stomach makes its presence known
>"Anon"
Yes, stomach?
>"You haven't eaten in 24 hours Anon"
Really?
>"Yes, really. Behold, my displeasure"
>Your stomach growls loudly, and Gleaming suddenly becomes all business
>"We should get breakfast, sir. Give me one moment to get my armor on and I'll clear us a path"
>She dashes off, armor flying around herself in a display of telekenetic precision that is beautiful to watch
>And a little scary, to be honest
>As her helmet seats itself, she turns to you.
>"Pancakes, sir?"
"Sure, sounds good"
>"Excellent. Please stay a few paces behind me"
"Why?"
>She looks a bit sheepish
>"Well, I am your guard, sir"
"Oh, yeah"
>You had almost forgotten, she was being such a bro.
>Kind of sad to think she's only here because she's getting paid.
>Wait, why is that sad?
>She's a guard, she's doing her job.
>But, having her here is almost like having a friend

>Morning in Canterlot shimmers
>Literally, the dawn on the marble gives everything a gleam of red gold
>It's beautiful.
>Unfortunately, it's not getting your stomach filled
"So where are we going?"
>"The Stack House. They do all sorts of pancakes, different fruit syrups and toppings. My little brother always gets the chocolate chip ones"
>Sounds like IHOP
>IHOP is love, IHOP is life
>Gleaming is as good as her word, walking a few paces ahead and glancing around for danger, but keeping one ear cocked back to hear you
>The streets are fairly empty this time of day, but that doesn't stop every pony you pass from staring, either openly or otherwise
>Kinda creepy
>But, worth it for delicious pancakes.
>Oh, there's the place.
>It looks like a pretty normal house for this area, except that there's an unusually large amount of patio furniture
>Gleaming opens the door, glances around then motions you in
>You enter, and are overwhelmed with a sense of homesickness
>This place even looks like an IHOP
>You sit at a booth near a window, and soon a lanky green pegasus stallion makes his way over, pencil in mouth
>"Hih, Imh Thall Schatch-"
>Gleaming rolls her eyes. "Pencil, Tall"
>The stallion glances down, then blushes, sticking the pencil in his mane with a wing
>"Sorry Gleam, you know how it is. Anyway, as I was saying. Hi, my name is Tall Stack, I'll be your waiter this morning. Do you know what you want, or do you need a bit to look at the menu?

>Not knowing what they have here, you opt for the latter
"Give me a few to look it over, please"
>"Sure, sure. If you need anything, just flag me or my sister Short down.
>He wanders off, humming
>Menu acquired
>Hmm. Lots of fruit pancakes, lots of sweets...
>No bacon.
>No. Bacon.
>What travesty is this, that there should be an IHOP without bacon?
>Oh, right. Herbivorous species.
>Huh...
"Hey, how is this spinach and cheese pancake? I've never heard of one like that."
>Gleaming glances up from her own menu
>"Oh, it's actually really good. Kind of the house specialty. Just make sure you get some juice to go with it, it can be kind of strong by itself"
>You nod
>If you can't trust your guard to pick something, who can you trust?
"Know what you want?"
>"Yeah"
>Gleaming lights her horn
>Weird... and yet, not thirty seconds later, a small purple earth pony arrives
>"Hey Gleamy. Who's the hunk?"
>If you had been drinking, you would have repeated the glorious spit take
>Gleaming doesn't seem to think it strange though.
>"He's the new Ambassador for his species. Anonymous, this is Short Stack"
"Its nice to meet you, Miss Stack"
>"Short, please. The *pleasure* is all mine. So, what can I do you for?"
>I-is this pony hitting on you?
"I'll have a short stack-"
>"I bet you will" the waitress winks
"Of the spinach and cheese pancakes, a glass of orange juice, and a cup of coffee"
>Gleaming lays down her menu. "Apple cinnamon challenge. Go."
>"Ooooo, someone's feeling her oats. Remember what happened last time you tried that?"
>"I have a secret weapon this time. Make it happen, Shorty"
>Short Stack shrugs. "You're the boss mare, boss mare."

>These pancakes are actually pretty good.
>Savory, buttery, a bit cheesy
>And a deep green color
>Gleaming has a stack of pancakes taller than her, and an hourglass
>As you understand it, if she eats them all in an hour, it's free
>If not, Short gets a date with you
>You did not consent to this
>"So, are you going to help me with this, or do you want that date with Little Miss Heated?"
>You frown
>She can't see it over the pancakes, but it's the principle of the thing
"Fine, fine"
>You were just finishing yours up anyway
>You take about half the remaining pancakes and begin digging into them, stopping only to appreciate the flavor.
>These ponies can make some damn fine pancakes
"So, why did you offer up my dick to settle a bet? Aren't you supposed to be protecting me?"
>She snorts, trying not to laugh with her mouth full
>"It's not like that. She's a flirt, and she's always ready to play, but she's a perfect gentlemare."
"Looked like that. She looked at me like I was covered... in... chocolate"
>You suddenly remember last night
>When you told Gleaming that you knew the game.
>She looked at you much the same way
>At first you took it for excitement, who doesn't love finding a new player?
>But all those ponies on the street were starting
>And now the waitress
>All with that same look of excitement
>Or, maybe, hunger

>What the actual fuck?
>You're not even the same species!
>This is bullshit.
>You're just new and different and interesting to look at
>And Short is a slut
>Sure, that must be it
>The hourglass is running down, but there are only a few pancakes left
>You can do it
>You won't have to give a horse the D
>Just keep eating
>Just
>Keep
>Eating
>One pancake left
>Your stomach complains
>"Don't do this to me, man. Don't do it"
Shut up stomach, take one for the team
>"Dick is on his own on this one, if you eat that last pancake, I can't be held responsible for my actions"
Suck it up stomach, 'ere we go
>You struggle to swallow the last few bites of the pancake
>But, in the end, human will triumphs over pony cooking
"Never again"
>Short saunters over, tail swishing, before breaking into a pout at seeing the clean plates
>"Oh, sauce. Now I'll never be able to give him his pony ride"
>Gleaming glances at you
>Gleaming smirks
>Don't do this to me, guard horse
>You were supposed to be a bro
>"Well, if you want to see him that bad, you know about the game tonight, right? He's coming, you are welcome to join
>DO NOT WANT

>Short beams
>"Well, I actually have tonight off. My character may be a little rough..."
>Gleaming airily waves a hoof
>"It's fine. Don't you have that Love cleric you never got to use? Level her to six and run her"
>Love cleric?
>Gleaming, y u do dis?
>"Oh, yeah, I forgot about Heater. That'll be *juuust* fine"
>"Cool. Night guard barracks at 8:30, bring snacks"
>"All right. Stay sexy, sugar" Short winks at you again, before taking your plates and payment
"I guess it's time to get home?"
>"Yeah, you look dead on your... whatever it is you have"
>Gleaming once more leads the way.
>The streets are more full now, and the stares more pronounced
>This is starting to remind you of that one Twilight Zone episode
>The one with the pod people
>Regardless, the trip is short
>You manage not to pass out before making it to bed.
>Gleaming knocks
>"I'm going to go off shift now, sir. If you like, I can stay here. Make snacks and such"
"Do whatever you want, a stampede won't wake me"
>"All right, sir"
>The bed is remarkably comfy
>Despite that, your last thought before sleep is that it's really too big for one person

>Waking up hurts
>You have horrible indigestion
>But, it's worth it, your horse-virginity remains unsullied
>You smell coffee
>Gleaming must be getting ready
>You glance at the bedside clock
>8 pm
>Just enough time for the triple s and a cup of coffee before you have to go
>Shower, check
>Shave, check
>Shit, check
>Coffee, acquired
>As you sit on the couch, getting into character, Gleaming sits across from you
>"Excited, sir?"
"Oh yes, this is going to be great. I have such plans"
>You smile the smile of a man who has derailed a thousand campaigns, and forged empires of bloody conquest from the ashes
>"Good. We need to move out soon, our GM likes to get running promptly."
"Who's the GM?"
>"Oh, nopony you know, but she's fair. Firm believer in story over mechanics too, so if your idea is cool enough she'll usually let it ride"
>Best kind of GM, in your opinion
"Anything else I should know?"
>"Just don't eat her cheese puffs. Anything else on the table is fine, but the cheese puffs are hers, and she gets a little... intense about them"
"I shall resist the temptation"
>Gleaming pops on her helmet and nods at you
>"Then let's move out

>The castle is beautiful in the moonlight.
>The whole world is, really
>It is game time, and your body is ready
>The night guard barracks are in the "basement" of the castle
>Because everyone is too polite to call it a dungeon
>Perfect setting for the game, actually
>As Gleaming leads, you start to wonder about the other players
>Social anxiety has never been huge at this kind of thing, but it's a lingering background tension in your mind
>"Here we are, sir"
>Gleaming stops in front of an enormous oak door, reinforced with iron
>DC 20 to break, easy.
>Maybe 25
>"Just relax. We're all here to have fun, sir. And if all else fails, Octavius always brings an obscene amount of gin"
>You nod
>It's go time
>The door opens, and suddenly, four pairs of eyes are on you
>Short Stack, purple as ever
>A pair of stallions, white and grey. The white one has a pretty sweet set of purple shades
>And a cream coated mare with the most garish red and blue mane imaginable
>"Hey everypony. This is Anonymous, our newest ambassador. Anonymous, you already met Short. That's Vinyl and Octavius on the far end, and our own inimitable Flank Charge, GM extraordinaire"
>You take a seat across from the guys
>You know the code
"Hey, call me Anon"
>"Well hey, all right, new guy" The white stallion,
>Vinyl, his name is Vinyl
>Vinyl says, beaming
>"Indeed, it will be pleasant to have another gentlecolt around." Octavius adds
>He's giving you the chocolate-dipped look too

>Flank Charge clears her throat
>"Before we begin, since this is a new campaign I would like everypony to introduce their characters."
>Vinyl jumps to his hooves
>"Glass Hummer, Bard and Sorcerer. I drop the bass so hard ponies die from it"
>Octavio produces a handle on gin from seemingly nowhere, pours himself a glass and takes a long sip
>"Graceful Counterpoint, Grace if you must. Samurai and bard."
>Short fiddles with her papers
>"Red Ribbon, Cleric of Love. With the power of Love, nothing is impossible!"
>Gag. But she actually seems to believe that.
>Questions for later
"Brass Knuckle, Minotaur Runeweilder. My greatest weapon is knowledge. My second greatest weapon is my rune carved knuckledusters"
>Gleaming looks at you, shocked
>"You can't do that, Anon! Runeweilders are a *ranged* class!"
"Show me where it says I can't engrave a melee weapon"
>Gleaming glares
>"We will discuss this later. Shield Wall, Paladin of the Sun. Let my body be a shield for the innocent"
>Flank smirks at you
>She knows your kind
>"Excellent. Go ahead and get into character, we'll start as soon as Octavius has poured one of those for everypony"

>Be Brass Knuckle
>Be pounding mead in some dive tavern.
>The rest of the party is drinking fruity girly shit, except for Grace.
>Gin and tonic.
>Classy as fuck
>This is your last night in town
>Tomorrow, you've got a job.
>Local cemetery is getting a bit full, so the local dead are naturally looking for a bit of elbow room
>Unfortunately, they're looking for it in the homes of the living
>After that, getting paid, and the real work begins.
>You've never liked cities much
>But, this is where the College of Runes is
>If you can't bring the mountain to Moohamed, Moohamed must go to the mountain
>And they pay *very* well for new devices
>With any luck, you'll be able to sell your designs and retire from the road.
>"Oy, Brass!"
"What, Grace? I'm busy"
>"Busy guzzlin that fookin swill, nah ya gobshite, pay attention. We gots to talk about how wez gonna smash da skellies"
"Glass shakes them apart, you and I wade in, Red throws her good vibe mojo, and Shield pitches in as needed"
>"Oh, yah, o'course. I'm talkin about after. We're getting paid, yeah? So where's the mares at in this Sunforsaken place? Oi wanna get me knob polished when we're done."
"Hell if I know. Bother Glass about it, I need to double check my runes"
>"Yah, yah, go on then, ya no fun bastard"
>You remove your namesakes from your pocket.
>Four lightning runes on the right
>Four thunder runes on the left
>And a very tricky little life rune that requires bringing your hands together to complete
>That's as good as dragonfire against the walking dead, but you can only do it once
>Best to hold it back until you really need it