Script: Father for Hire

Father for Hire
by Smutomancer
(m/f, vampire, oral)
A loli vampire hires a criminal for... hire, to play act as her father. Her powers aren't exactly "powerful," so she must persuade him with more traditional techniques.


[doorbell or knock at the door]
Coming!  Just a second!

[talking to self] That was fast. I only put the ad out two days ago. Hmm.
I said I'm coming!
[talking to self] Geeze, this guy's eager.

[opens door]
Why hello there, mister... ?
Mister Conrad. Well, it's very nice to meet you, Mister Conrad. My name is-
Er, no. No one else is here. This is my house. I'm the one that posted the ad-
Where do you think you're going?
Yes, yes, I'm a child. That's what I need to talk to you about.
Look, I have money, see?
Just follow me to the study.

[a short walk]

As I was saying, Mister Conrad, my name is Suzanne Delilah Crofter. I am the heiress to a very sizable fortune.
How much doesn't matter, Mister Conrad. Just know that I am well within my means to pay you.
Yes, I suppose we should talk about the position. As you so [whisper quickly to self] rudely [normal speech again] pointed out, I am a child. I have no living relatives [put extra emphasis on "living"], and need your help to retain control over my assets.
Mister Conrad, will you be my father?
No no no, not adoption. Nothing so officious, so... legal.  I would like to hire you to play the part of my father.
My real parents? Oh, they've been dead for quite some time. [giggle] Well, you'd be surprised at how much you can do with a computer. I've been able to care for most of my needs online.
How astute, Mister Conrad. As it so happens, something has come up that my computer cannot assist me with.
Well, um.  [mumbling indistinctly] parent teacher conference
I said "parent/teacher conference!"
I need someone there in person.

No, nothing too serious. I mean, it's not really any of your business, but I suppose you'll find out if you take the job.
I sort of, um, bit, um, one of the other children.
Oh no, he's fine. Probably. I mean, he should wake up from the coma eventually.
Anyway, that's not the issue here-

DON'T DO THAT!
That thing you did!
The "crossing" thing. I hate when people do that. And why would someone like you pray for some kid you don't-
PUT THAT THING AWAY.
[shuffling to move away]
Dammit, who said you could bring a cross into MY house? Put it in the teapot! That one there. Just do it!
[sigh of relief]
Gonna have to break you of THAT habit, quick.
I, uh, I just don't like crosses, that's all. I'm, uh, it's against my religion?
I'm a, no, an orthodox... atheist?

[giggle in near hysterics]
V-vampire?  Oh, y-you're just being silly. There's no such thing as-
WHY DO YOU HAVE TWO CROSSES?!
No, no, keep that thing away from me!
Ow, ow, ow, ow, stop it!

Okay, okay, uncle!
I'm a vampire, alright?
I mean, really. In this day and age, who really believes in vampires?

A-anyway, now I think you can see my problem, Mister Conrad. I'm actually an ancient, unbelievably powerful-
Yes, truly ancient. Really.
Okay, okay; I'm thirty-five! Just put that thing away, will you?

Look, do you want the damn job or not?
What?! Uh, no, I would never. That was never my intention.
Well, maybe just a little.
Oh, come on, don't leave!
Lots of people actually like the biting thing! That coma-kid was a fluke! I mean it!
I don't even need much, look at the size of me.

Worth your while? Well, I said I'd pay you, didn't I? I'll pay you even more if you let me-
Oh, um. Yeah, I kind of do need to bribe you. Listen, promise you won't tell?
I kind of... don't have many powers.
It's not like the movies at all!
Fine, then. What is it you want?

Really? That's it? I think I made the right choice with you, after all.
No, it's fine. But do you really think you can trust me?
I mean, me, a blood sucking little vampire, with your big 'ole, blood filled dick in my mouth?
[slightly maniacal giggle]
"You only live once?" Oh, that is rich.
Now sit down, leave it all to me.
What, you don't think I've done this before?
Sit! Sit down!
Here, let me just- shimmy- these- down- and-
Aww, you're already ready for me? You're one of those child-lovers, aren't you?
Oh no, I'm not judging. If it wasn't for your kind I'd NEVER get laid.
Oh, fuck you. Thirty-five, remember? I'm just glad you're not like, eighty, or something. Last guy was...
[fapping sound]
Are you going to keep talking, or can I get working?
[giggle]
Works for me!
[sucking sound]
Mmmm....
[sucking sound]
You use
[slurp]
Irish Spring soap
[giggle and lick]
But it's been
[slurp]
Three days since you've showered!
[giggle]
Oh, I know lots of things.

[deep, intimate bj sound]
[getting faster]
Mmmm!
Mmmm!
[as though mouth is full] Hot!

Oh, wow. Even after all that, you're still so... energetic. I mean, look at this thing. It's, it's pulsing in my hand. Look at the little veins, pumping so hard... It's like your heart is-
Ah!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Just get that damned cross away from me!

[flee behind a chair]
I-is it gone?
Good.

So... you want the job or not?