Parental advice

Hello, parents,

I want to share some ideas with you all about navigating this new dynamic where everyone is suddenly sharing space in one household all day together! It is normal for this not to be a seamless transition, with differing expectations on every side, so here are some thoughts you may find helpful during this time of adjustment. (edited)

Homeschool doesn’t have to look like regular school. A traditional in-school day has lots of built-In downtime for moving from class to class, waiting for the teacher to hand out papers, standing in line, etc. - so homeschooling can be accomplished in a fraction of the time. Unless your child’s school has sent out extensive assignments to complete, as long as they are doing a little something toward their academic goals a few days per week, that is sufficient. Resist the urge to replicate the school day at home. It’s just fine if they sleep in a bit, then go for a walk or read a book before “doing school” unless their school is requiring them to show up on the computer screen at a specific time.

Encourage outdoor time, sometimes open-ended and sometimes with some kind of activity built in (walking, biking, hiking). Getting outside the four walls will give our kids some fresh air as well as some time to be playful - key things to feed their spirits right now. If they are old enough to go outside and play or walk alone (and observe the 6-foot distancing rule!) then let them.
Clarify expectations - now and on an ongoing basis - and ideally create these expectations together. Ask kids to list their priorities or their ideal daily schedule, and as parents, you come up with what you think might work best - and then meet somewhere in the middle. Unexpressed expectations are resentments waiting to happen. If everyone knows what’s expected, even just for that day, things will go more smoothly and there will be less in-the-moment conflict for you to have to deal with.

Perspective is born from experience. If your teens, especially, are having a tough time seeing the big picture of this global pandemic - focusing instead mostly on their own distress around being unable to see their friends or their spring break being ruined - it is much less about them being entitled or spoiled or selfish and more about their lack of life experience and thus lack of perspective. Listen patiently to their sadness and anger and offer empathy for now. They will gain perspective just by virtue of living through this unprecedented time, along with their regular maturation process.

Give yourselves some downtime, by tag-teaming parental responsibilities and/or taking your own time and space away from the rest of the household. Schedule video coffee dates with friends or sit in the backyard and read a book. Be aware of our adult tendency to want to enact tight control of our kids / households in order to feel more in control of this new situation that is naturally chaotic. Notice when you are feeling stressed and anxious, and take steps to ameliorate this as best you can in the moment instead of waiting until you’ve reached the boiling point.

And perhaps most essential - Kids are grieving the loss of many things right now: school friends (and time spent hanging out with other friends), cancelled school events, extracurricular activities like sports or music lessons, and routines. Their expectations have been completely upended. Couple this with the whole family suddenly spending every moment together, all day every day, and you have a recipe for tender feelings, snappish irritation, parent/child or sibling conflict, and tears of grief, anger, or fear. It is a scary time for all of us - and even more so for kids. Sit with them in their grief, in their rage, and in their uncertainty (“Will I be able to bring up my grade in that class I was struggling in?” “Are we going to have to go to summer school?” “Will the school musical / band concert / baseball season ever happen?” “It’s so unfair that I am missing prom!“) Allow them time and space to go off alone and regroup, self-regulate, and then return to the conversation later. Keep building bridges toward them, and even if they don’t cross over them today, believe me - they are fully aware when you continue to show up for them as a steady and loving presence in the midst of chaos and uncertainty everywhere else.