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Session 2WAIT WHAT

Bigwood Aug 27th, 2011 155 Never
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  1. [23:12:51] <Balthazar> 6#1d20+4
  2. [23:12:52] <DiceMaid-9001> Balthazar, 6#1d20+4: 13 [1d20=9], 9 [1d20=5], 24 [1d20=20], 20 [1d20=16], 16 [1d20=12], 16 [1d20=12]
  3. [23:14:01] <Balthazar> (3d6+2d8 junk parts, 2d4 spare parts)
  4. [23:14:42] <Balthazar> 3d6+2d8 junk
  5. [23:14:43] <DiceMaid-9001> Balthazar, junk: 18 [3d6=4,2,5; 2d8=2,5]
  6. [23:14:49] <Balthazar> 2d4 spares
  7. [23:14:49] <DiceMaid-9001> Balthazar, spares: 3 [2d4=2,1]
  8. [23:16:55] <@Paradox> As Balthazar is in his workshop, working on some nutty project or another...
  9. [23:17:00] <@Paradox> He happens to look out the window
  10. [23:17:19] <@Paradox> And sees something big and black and ON FIRE crashing into the hills in the distance!
  11. [23:19:16] <@Paradox> A few seconds later, there's an earth-shaking CRASH, and rock and dirt and smoke splash up into the air in the horizon.
  12. [23:19:44] * Balthazar lets the small mechanical joltik he was working on drop off. "Wowzer, zat's a big fire, eh? Maybe it's a meteor, eh? Starmetal woold be a nice material, eh?"
  13. [23:22:35] <Balthazar> "Guess i better go zere before some idiot try to grab it first, eh? Hehehehe, starmetal!" Balthazar mumbles while heading to the crash's direction!
  14. [23:26:52] <Balthazar> (Dox?)
  15. [23:27:00] <@Paradox> (sorry, bluh)
  16. [23:27:35] <@Paradox> Balthazar has quite a bit of walking to do through the eastern hills before he reaches the site of the crash
  17. [23:27:59] <@Paradox> There's a big barren crater, with bits of scattered ... stuff that is still burning.
  18. [23:28:14] <@Paradox> In the very middle, there's a black metallic looking wreck.
  19. [23:29:42] <Balthazar> "Meteorite Ore! This vill be very interesting, eh? Hehehe, vat mysteries from OUTER SPACE can be discovered from such vonders of ze cold and dark cosmos! ...It really needs to cool of, though."
  20. [23:30:55] <Balthazar> "Yes, yes, i can harness alloys that will allow me to do invincible creations! Or maybe even stuff like... A sword that cuts through diamond! A Pokéball who cannot be broken!"
  21. [23:31:04] <@Paradox> The 'meteorite' crackles and puffs open.
  22. [23:31:11] <@Paradox> You then realize it's actually some sort of ship.
  23. [23:31:14] <Balthazar> "Oh vat."
  24. [23:31:52] * Balthazar gulps while approaching the UFO. "A-am i ze ambassador of Earth!"
  25. [23:32:38] <Balthazar> "O, VISITORS FROM ZE MOON, IF YOU WANT TO ENSLAVE MANKIND, KNOWN THAT I CAN BE A VALUABLE ASSET! LEAVE ME ALIVE TO OVERSEE YOOR SUGAR MINES!"
  26. [23:32:55] <@Paradox> Some sparks and smoke erupt from the ship, and some greenish fluid begins leaking from somewhere onto the dirt.
  27. [23:34:09] <@Paradox> Suddenly a hatch opens!
  28. [23:34:26] <Balthazar> "Vait, he's hurt... Should i help hi-" Suddenly, strange thoughts flood Balthazar's mind... Be the first human to autopsy an alien would make him world famous!
  29. [23:34:58] <@Paradox> Light pours out from the hatch, around a huge, tall silhouette!
  30. [23:35:37] <Balthazar> "Wait, it's alive! UH LEMME TELL YOU, I AM KING OF EARTH!"
  31. [23:36:06] <@Paradox> Then suddenly the silhouette falls forward...
  32. [23:36:18] <@Paradox> and Balthazar sees that it's just Terri, landing face first in the dirt.
  33. [23:36:26] <Terri> "Oof."
  34. [23:36:29] <Balthazar> "YOU."
  35. [23:36:43] * Terri yawns.
  36. [23:36:49] <Terri> "Mornin'."
  37. [23:37:00] <@Paradox> His hair and clothes are singed and burnt, and Terri is rather bruised, but otherwise seems alright.
  38. [23:37:02] <Balthazar> "Z-ze lumberjack? How ze hell you got here?"
  39. [23:37:45] <Balthazar> "You... You are an undercover alien!"
  40. [23:37:53] <@Paradox> From the same hatch jumps out a Bidoof, which lands on Terri.
  41. [23:38:05] <Terri> "Whats alien?"
  42. [23:38:07] * Balthazar points his Raygun to Terri. "I SHALL SAVE EARTH FROM YOU, BODYSNATCHER!"
  43. [23:38:35] <Terri> "what that?"
  44. [23:38:42] <@Paradox> The bidoof points a raygun at Balthazar in turn.
  45. [23:38:45] <@Paradox> "DOOF."
  46. [23:39:09] <Balthazar> "Wait, you are a thrall of ze aliens? ZE BIDOOF!"
  47. [23:39:39] <@Paradox> The bidoof facepalms.
  48. [23:39:39] <Balthazar> "I suspected zat yoor species vas manipulating mankind from ze start, grooming us to be slaves and pleasure pets!"
  49. [23:39:56] <Balthazar> "Zis vill go no further, bidoof!"
  50. [23:40:06] <@Paradox> It shakes its head. "Doof!"
  51. [23:40:13] <@Paradox> It points at the ship.
  52. [23:40:25] <Balthazar> "GET OOT OF HERE, LUMBERJACK! I SHALL SAVE EARTH!"
  53. [23:40:45] <Terri> "Huh?"
  54. [23:41:12] <Balthazar> "You are a smart enemy, Bidoof! But it ends here!"
  55. [23:41:52] <@Paradox> The Bidoof facepalms again, and hangs its head.
  56. [23:41:57] <@Paradox> Then it jumps back into the ship.
  57. [23:42:04] <Balthazar> "Now, lay down your weapons and say your mankidn slavery pla-hey come back here!"
  58. [23:42:15] * Terri yawns again.
  59. [23:42:29] <Terri> "No hurt doofy."
  60. [23:43:17] <Balthazar> "He's not a normal Bidoof, you troglodyte! He's a friggin' extraterrestrial!"
  61. [23:44:17] <@Paradox> Suddenly a limp brown body is thrown out from the ship.
  62. [23:44:21] <@Paradox> through the hatch
  63. [23:44:24] <Terri> "Trog-lo-diet? Extra-tear-ess-treeAL?"
  64. [23:44:26] <@Paradox> and the Bidoof climbs back out.
  65. [23:44:38] <Balthazar> "Oh my god he's experimented on humans!"
  66. [23:44:41] <Balthazar> "YOU MONSTER!"
  67. [23:44:51] <@Paradox> He points at the dead Beheeyem.
  68. [23:44:53] <@Paradox> "DOOF."
  69. [23:45:30] <Balthazar> "A strange Pokémon! You changed it from a human vith your alien technology, no?"
  70. [23:45:42] <Balthazar> "Damn it, your science is millenia beyond ours!"
  71. [23:46:09] * Terri just looks at Balthazar funny, barely understanding a freaking word he's saying.
  72. [23:46:22] <Balthazar> "We are doomed, eh? You will make us all into strange pokémon with your machinery and genetic therapy, only for us to serve as sexual and laboral slaves!"
  73. [23:46:26] <@Paradox> The Bidoof facepalms again.
  74. [23:46:39] <Balthazar> "Truly, Bidoofs are the cruelest races on ze universe, eh?"
  75. [23:48:27] * Terri yawns. "I no understand. But no hurt Doofy."
  76. [23:48:44] <@Paradox> The Bidoof shakes his head sadly, and takes out a weird purple spray bottle from the burlap sack its carrying.
  77. [23:48:46] <Balthazar> "Hurt him? What can i do?" Balthazar puts his weapon away.
  78. [23:49:05] <Balthazar> "Even if i kill it, his race vill overpower ours on a matter of hours."
  79. [23:49:07] <@Paradox> It sprays a liquid that stings slightly on Terri's wounds.
  80. [23:49:20] <Balthazar> "So is the technological power of the cruel Bidoof empire!"
  81. [23:49:37] <Terri> "Ow! Stingy!"
  82. [23:49:42] <@Paradox> It then climbs back inside, and carries out a KO'd Boris, putting the bird and its leek down next to Terri.
  83. [23:50:04] <Balthazar> "Unless... I use it against them!" Balthazar jumps in the ship's direction, grabbing it. "I'M TAKING THIS IF YOU DON'T MIND?"
  84. [23:50:19] <Terri> "Boris!"
  85. [23:50:24] <@Paradox> ( grabbing ... the ship? )
  86. [23:50:24] * Terri hugs the unconcious bird.
  87. [23:50:35] <Balthazar> "REVERSE ENGINEERING THIS WILL HELP FURTHERING MANKIND'S CAUSE!"
  88. [23:51:00] <Balthazar> (Yes, and now i realized it's too big for me to carry, obviously.)
  89. [23:51:37] <@Paradox> ( so are you going inside it? )
  90. [23:52:12] * Balthazar enters the ship, looking for controls. "NOW, VHERE ARE ZE MISSILES AND LASERS?"
  91. [23:53:28] * Terri follows inside as well, making sure Balth doesnt hurt doofy.
  92. [23:54:00] <@Paradox> In the front of the spaceship, there seems to be a strange control room.
  93. [23:54:16] <@Paradox> There's two dead Beheeyem in there, still strapped into their seats.
  94. [23:54:34] <Balthazar> "MORE EXPERIMENTS! YET, HOW ARE ZEY ON THE SEATS?"
  95. [23:54:50] <Balthazar> "PERHAPS ZE BIDOOF SOCIETY MANAGES VEHICLES DIFFERENTLY?"
  96. [23:56:04] <Balthazar> "STRAP YOURSELF, LUMBERJACK! VE ARE ON A VILD RIDE!"
  97. [23:56:33] * Balthazar presses buttons, trying to activate the damned extraterrestrial machine for it's former glory!
  98. [23:56:42] <Terri> "Huh?
  99. [23:57:12] <@Paradox> The control board sparks as Balthazar randomly mashes buttons, but nothing much seems to happen.
  100. [23:57:31] <@Paradox> It seems to be completely junked. Falling down hundreds of feet in a crash landing will do that to a vehicle, it seems.
  101. [23:58:20] * Terri looks around for Doofy.
  102. [23:59:00] <Balthazar> "Oh poop."
  103. [23:59:24] <Balthazar> "It seems i vill have to repair this... YOU! LUMBERJACK! YOU DIDN'T SAW ME. OR ZE SHIP."
  104. [23:59:25] <@Paradox> The Bidoof seems to be busy studying some star charts.
  105. [23:59:56] <Terri> "I see you now."
  106. [00:00:03] * Terri pokes Balthazar.
  107. [00:00:42] <Balthazar> "No you see, i vas implying you sh-oh vhy even bother, eh?"
  108. [00:01:32] * Terri just looks at Balthazar confused, and watches Doofy.
  109. [00:01:44] <Terri> (BTW what day is this?)
  110. [00:01:55] <@Paradox> The bidoof rolls up the starchart, and stuffs it in his burlap sack.
  111. [00:02:14] * Balthazar leaves the ship and releases Manda out! A majestic large blue sea serpent looms before him and the ship and... Cross its eyes while drolling and letting its tongue out. "GYUUUH!"
  112. [00:03:18] <Balthazar> "Manda, ve vill have to tow zis back to my lab, eh? So i can repair it!" The Gyarados drolls for a couple of seconds before shaking its head in approval.
  113. [00:04:31] <@Paradox> Two hours later, the gyarados has managed to drag it back to Balthazar's back yard!
  114. [00:04:51] <Terri> 1d20-3 do I even notice we're moving?
  115. [00:04:52] <DiceMaid-9001> Terri, do I even notice we're moving?: 9 [1d20=12]
  116. [00:04:57] <@Paradox> Not very discretely though; there's a very obvious trail, there the big metal thing was dragged long, pulling out grass and dirt.
  117. [00:05:21] <Balthazar> "Vell, it's not like someone vill notice that!"
  118. [00:08:30] <Balthazar> "Now, to disassemble!"
  119. [00:09:13] <Balthazar> "Good job Manda, let me give you..." Balthazar gets one of the Beeheyem's body out of the ship and throws it on the floor. "A nice treat!"
  120. [00:11:01] <@Paradox> GOBBLE GOBBLE
  121. [00:11:34] <@Paradox> 1d100
  122. [00:11:35] <DiceMaid-9001> Paradox, 1d100: 80 [1d100=80]
  123. [00:11:55] <Damien> (it's a turkeydos now)
  124. [00:13:53] <@Paradox> ( So, what are you planning on doing with the wreck, exactly? )
  125. [00:14:08] <Balthazar> (REPAIR AND REVERSE ENGINEER IT!)
  126. [00:14:08] <@Paradox> ( trying to repair it, or salvage it for parts/technology? )
  127. [00:14:48] <@Paradox> As you tinker in one of the back room, trying to figure what exactly it ... DOES
  128. [00:15:39] <@Paradox> Suddenly the metal siding around one of several colums in the room slides down
  129. [00:15:50] <Balthazar> "...Zis can't be good."
  130. [00:16:04] <@Paradox> revealing a glass tube within, containing a small greenish body.
  131. [00:16:07] <@Paradox> It waves at you.
  132. [00:16:27] * Balthazar waves back.
  133. [00:16:30] <@Paradox> < Excuse me. Would you please hit that button there and let me out? >
  134. [00:16:30] <Balthazar> "..."
  135. [00:18:00] <Balthazar> "Uh, yeah, no problem ma-" Balth presses the button before suddenly "WHAT IN ZE HELL"
  136. [00:18:30] <@Paradox> The tube slowly slides down as well, spilling the greenish fluid within all over the floor.
  137. [00:18:43] <@Paradox> The elgyem floats out, and drops down next to Balthazar.
  138. [00:19:41] <@Paradox>  < Thank you. I owe you my life. Honor dictates I offer myself to you in servitude for 100 years in compensation. >
  139. [00:19:44] <Balthazar> "A-a-are you... A MODIFIED HUMAN FROM ZE BIDOOF EXPERIMENTS?"
  140. [00:20:13] <Balthazar> "Or you are ze real alien, yes i knew it all the time, eh?" Balth barely manages to fake that lie.
  141. [00:21:15] * Terri decides to take a nap in the ufo.
  142. [00:22:01] <@Paradox>  < I am from the planet Xthcthuthmthklthroan. >
  143. [00:22:21] <Balthazar> "Yeah, uh, velcome to earth, dude."
  144. [00:22:24] <Iona> (planet urmabutt?)
  145. [00:23:49] <Balthazar> "The Excututumeetuukhl*chokes*ians vill be treated well if you don't make experiments of us!"
  146. [00:24:08] * Terri also puts Boris somehwere comfortable so he can sleep off the getting KO'd.
  147. [00:24:11] <Balthazar> "Oh crap i'll just call you an Xian."
  148. [00:26:05] <@Paradox>  < Thank you, sir. I am a rank C-17 photopsychologist and do not have the required permissions to conduct experiments without approval of three Xthklthri of B-100 rank or higher. >
  149. [00:26:54] <Balthazar> "Yeah uh, how many years you are talking aboot, eh?"
  150. [00:28:32] <@Paradox>  < However, I am duty-bound to make keen observations and report. I will then be executed for divulging data to - years? I will serve you faithfully for 100 Elgyxth solar cycles. By my calculations, that is 781.842 solar sweeps on this planet. >
  151. [00:29:16] <Balthazar> "Ah i see... You can defect to avoid being executed, eh? Being bound to a place didn't stop me."
  152. [00:29:37] <@Paradox> The Elgyem backs away, looking a bit offended.
  153. [00:30:25] <Balthazar> "...Only a possibility, though."
  154. [00:30:52] <@Paradox>  < I am a member of the Behylgiththri, I am duty bound to serve faithfully. I will not defect. After serving out my sentence of service with you, I will report back to my superiors and do my duty. >
  155. [00:34:06] <Balthazar> "Props to you then. Uh, so vat about telling me how to repair zis junk, eh?"
  156. [00:34:56] <@Paradox>  < As I said, I am merely a rank C-17 Photopsychologist. I have neither the authorization nor training to repair this vehicle. >
  157. [00:35:43] <Balthazar> "Uh, i see. By Photopsychology you mean you read light's mind?"
  158. [00:36:22] <@Paradox>  < At least, not to interstellar capacity. Perhaps with some aid, I could restore gravitational suspend function to facilitate atmospheric flight. >
  159. [00:37:28] * Terri has little difficulty falling asleep on the cold metal floors.
  160. [00:38:25] <Balthazar> "Zis... Can do."
  161. [00:38:40] <Balthazar> "What about weaponry?"
  162. [00:39:10] <Balthazar> "Do you have worldbreaking nukes? I vant to ravage Uranus!"
  163. [00:39:51] <@Paradox>  < Perhaps the translating module has misworked. Photopsychologists are mere field researchers and photoimprint collectors. I am afraid this was merely a scouting ship and did not have any weaponry. >
  164. [00:40:47] <Balthazar> "Z-zis sucks!"
  165. [00:41:09] <Balthazar> "Vhat kind of shit UFO doesn't have lasers?"
  166. [00:42:45] <@Paradox>  < I am sorry sir. Perhaps I can interest you in the personal safety devices used by the B-70 Premptive Security Officers? >
  167. [00:43:55] <Balthazar> "You mean like... LIGHTSABERS?"
  168. [00:44:04] <Balthazar> "Or phasers like mine?"
  169. [00:44:19] <Balthazar> "Or... POSITRON RIFLES!"
  170. [00:48:11] <@Paradox>  < Only A-50 Rank Personnel and Above can carry Positron Rifles. These are merely Neutron Polarity Stunners. >
  171. [00:48:51] <Balthazar> "You can't disintegrate someone with a stunner! It only stuns! I have a stunner alr-oh damn it, lemme see them."
  172. [00:50:06] <@Paradox>  < Very Well. >
  173. [00:50:29] <@Paradox> He floats over to the gyarados, and picks a gun of its teeth. Guess it got stuck when it ate that dead Beheeyem :B
  174. [00:50:58] <Balthazar> "Vell i hope it's not contaminated."
  175. [00:51:16] <Balthazar> "Uh by the way it ate him vithout my help."
  176. [00:51:38] <Balthazar> "Your security officer was not eaten because of me, nope. Be sure to report that."
  177. [00:52:31] <@Paradox>  < Negative. You threw his body to the serpentine flightfish. >
  178. [00:52:45] <@Paradox>  < It is of no consequence though, as life function had already ceased. >
  179. [00:53:14] <Terri> (Oh god. Doofy and this thing are going to fight, aren't they?)
  180. [00:53:43] <Balthazar> "WELL IT'S GOOD TO KNOW, EH?" Balthazar wipes the sweat going down his forehead as he grabs the gun.
  181. [00:54:00] <Balthazar> 1d20 shoot the Elgyem
  182. [00:54:01] <DiceMaid-9001> Balthazar, shoot the Elgyem: 17 [1d20=17]
  183. [00:54:08] <Terri> :O
  184. [00:54:16] <Balthazar> "Lemme test it-Ooops!"
  185. [00:55:39] <@Paradox> The laser hits the Elgyem right between the eyes!
  186. [00:55:46] <@Paradox> It seems to do nothing though :I
  187. [00:55:55] <Balthazar> "It's broken."
  188. [00:56:55] <@Paradox>  < Elgyxth Defense Weaponry are set to recognize Behelgyxth cell signatures and be harmless. >
  189. [00:57:26] <@Paradox>  < Otherwise there would be a danger of shooting our own. That would be inefficient. >
  190. [00:58:13] <Balthazar> "It makes sense. Lemme try this then." Balthazar points to himself and shoots.
  191. [00:58:21] <@Paradox> 1d100
  192. [00:58:22] <DiceMaid-9001> Paradox, 1d100: 91 [1d100=91]
  193. [00:58:28] <Terri> (Hahaha oh god)
  194. [00:58:33] <@Paradox> </session>
  195. [00:58:34] <Balthazar> (AhahahaHahaha)
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