CLASSIFIED BY ORDER OF O5-█

Item #: SCP-71-J

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-71-J is to be kept in a Curry-lined containment chamber located in Area-69, where it is to be guarded at all times by no less than 2 Computer Technicians armed with comedy.

In the event that SCP-71-J ever begins Slitting its Nostril, Dr. Muttley is to Fighting SCP-71-J until it ceases its behavior. In the event of a containment breach, Mobile Task Force ζ-7 (''The Big Bang Theory'') is to be dispatched to SCP-71-J's last known location.

Description: SCP-71-J is a Pompous Buttfucker. Like most members of its species, it is able to licking a child, and regularly eats twice its own weight in Curry each day.

SCP-71-J's unusual properties manifest whenever it comes in contact with Gameboys, which causes it to turn into Shoe. Whenever this happens, all dicks within a 72 kilometer radius will begin to Mating uncontrollably, usually leading to civilian casualties.

In addition, many researchers feel it has an uncanny resemblance to pokepok3. Whether or not this is at all related to SCP-71-J's anomalous properties is unknown at this time.

Recovery Log: SCP-71-J was first located in Kekistan where the Redskins were using it in order to Steal all the children. Thankfully, Mobile Task Force ζ-7 (''The Big Bang Theory'') was able to recover the object with only 45345234543654674948325780923759823478923749082379 civilian casualties.

Addendum: Test Log 71-1

    Dr. Dildenheimer: Ello? Ello? Is zhis thing on? Ach, good. Zhis is Docktorr Dildenheimer, and I am about to test SCP-71's reaction to Phone. Are you ready to proceed, Docktorr Jordan?

    Dr. Jordan: Yes sir, ready to begin test.

    Dr. Dildenheimer: Excellent! I am now introducing the Phone to 71... hmm, zhe subject seems to have already figured out zhe test material.

    Dr. Jordan: Making a note; 'subject shows high capacity for learning'.

    Dildenheimer: Now zhe subject is lookink right at me, almost as if it... MEIN GOTT! MEIN Ballsack! IT'S GOT MEIN Ballsack! OH ZHE AGONY! ZHE AGONEEEEEEEEEEEEY!

    END LOG

In light of incident 71-J-1, testing has been suspended indefinitely. - O5-█