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  1. 09/17/2019
  2. Birthday Script
  3. stage
  4. Draft #1
  5.  
  6. A Public Service Announcement
  7. Scott D’Aguanno
  8. INT. DORM ROOM - NIGHT
  9. A very normal dorm room at a university that could be just like yours. A party is going on, with a crowd of rowdy teenagers dancing to wordless club music. At the center of the action are two boys, JOSH and DAMIAN. JOSH is holding a large book that says only MATH on the cover, like any normal teenager. DAMIAN is wearing a black trench-coat. You can see where this is going.
  10. JOSH
  11. (trying hard to emote)
  12. Wow, this is a crazy party, huh Damian?
  13. DAMIAN
  14. (flat)
  15. Yeah it is, Josh. Kyle’s birthday parties are always the event of the semester. Everybody is here. Even Tiffany. You like her, right? Now is your chance!
  16. JOSH
  17. (monotone)
  18. I don’t know. I think it’s a bit too much for me. I’m going to go back to my dorm and study.
  19.  
  20. DAMIAN scoffs and rolls his eyes.
  21.  
  22. DAMIAN
  23. (baffled, still flat)
  24. Are you kidding me? Why go study when you could have all this fun?
  25.  
  26. JOSH
  27. (meek)
  28. I guess I’m just not much of a party animal.
  29. DAMIAN
  30. (sly, now menacing)
  31. What if… we could make you one?
  32.  
  33. DAMIAN pulls a bag out of his trench-coat pocket. The bag is filled with an unmistakable white powder. Written on the outside with a sharpie is DRUGS.
  34.  
  35. JOSH
  36. (surprised)
  37. Is that… illegal drugs?
  38. DAMIAN
  39. (menacing)
  40. It’s your first-class ticket to the greatest night of your life.
  41. JOSH
  42. (monotone)
  43. Where did you get it?
  44. DAMIAN
  45. I have this uh… this uh…
  46.  
  47. DAMIAN very unsubtly pulls out what is clearly a script from his trench-coat. He flips through a couple pages, finds what he is looking for, and puts the script back into the coat.
  48.  
  49. DAMIAN
  50. (pretending that didn’t just happen)
  51. I have this friend who has this friend who has this brother who knows a guy.
  52. JOSH
  53. (trying hard to emote)
  54. You shouldn’t have these. Those are illegal! You could go to JAIL!
  55. DAMIAN
  56. Don’t knock it till you try it. Don’t you want Tiffany to think you’re cool?
  57. JOSH
  58. (defiant)
  59. I won’t do it! You can’t make me!
  60.  
  61. DAMIAN starts moving towards JOSH, beckoning the bag towards him.
  62.  
  63. DAMIAN
  64. Just have some, man! It won’t hurt you…
  65.  
  66. NARRATOR
  67. Stop that right there!
  68.  
  69. Suddenly, the two boys freeze in place. A man walks in from the side of the scene. He is dressed like a rich guidance counselor, attempting to look authoritative but relatable. He stops in front of the paused scene.
  70.  
  71. NARRATOR
  72. (cont.) Kids, has this ever happened to you, or someone you know? Most likely. Drugs are dangerous, and it is never cool to say yes to them. Be like Josh here, and say no.
  73.  
  74. The narrator freezes with his finger pointed at the audience. Suddenly, DAMIAN starts moving again.
  75.  
  76. DAMIAN
  77. (annoyed)
  78. There, we’re done. Can we go now?
  79.  
  80. The narrator also begins moving again. He crosses his arms and scoffs at Damian.
  81.  
  82. NARRATOR
  83. (annoyed)
  84. That wasn’t good enough! I need more emotion, more drama!! I need you to not blow your damn lines, PAUL.
  85. DAMIAN/PAUL
  86. Maybe if you gave us more than fifteen minutes to rehearse, this wouldn’t happen.
  87.  
  88. JOSH finally also unfreezes.
  89.  
  90. JOSH
  91. This is also super cliché.
  92.  
  93. He holds up the MATH book.
  94.  
  95. JOSH
  96. (cont.) Why did I bring a book that just says MATH on the cover to a party?
  97. DAMIAN/PAUL
  98. Yeah, I don’t think this is a situation that has happened… uh… ever. It’s dated, but I don’t even know when it’s dated from.
  99. NARRATOR
  100. (flabbergasted)
  101. What?? This is RE-AL-I-TY. This is exactly what real colleges are like!
  102. JOSH
  103. Dude, you’re like 60. When you went to college, ALF was popular.
  104.  
  105. NARRATOR
  106. (thinking out loud)
  107. Come to think of it, we should add more cultural references to the script. Do you guys know the Safety Dance?
  108.  
  109. DAMIAN/PAUL groans. JOSH starts hitting himself on the head with the book. The narrator begins to move towards the edge of the scene.
  110.  
  111. NARRATOR 2
  112. Stop this right there!
  113.  
  114. The scene freezes again. A different narrator steps into the scene, even more authoritative yet relatable than the first.
  115.  
  116. NARRATOR 2
  117. (cont.) Do you want to educate the youth of America, yet you completely lack the nuance or writing talent to do so?
  118.  
  119. The first narrator unfreezes.
  120.  
  121. NARRATOR
  122. (offended)
  123. Hey! Who asked for your opinion?
  124.  
  125. The second narrator ignores him.
  126.  
  127. NARRATOR 2
  128. This sad man thinks he is showcasing the gritty reality of the American school system, but instead he’s probably making people more inclined to turn to hard drugs.
  129.  
  130. JOSH unfreezes.
  131.  
  132. JOSH
  133. I’m actually high right now.
  134. NARRATOR
  135. (baffled)
  136. You’re WHAT?
  137. NARRATOR 2
  138. I rest my case.
  139.  
  140. The original narrator, speechless, looks from JOSH to the second narrator and back. He rips his script in half and runs off-stage. DAMIAN/PAUL unfreezes and turns to the second narrator.
  141.  
  142. DAMIAN/PAUL
  143. (confused)
  144. Does this mean we only exist in a PSA inside of a PSA?
  145.  
  146. The second narrator crosses to DAMIAN/PAUL and pats him on the shoulder.
  147.  
  148. NARRATOR 2
  149. Oh, my boy, you have no idea how deep this goes.
  150. END
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