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- 09/17/2019
- Birthday Script
- stage
- Draft #1
- A Public Service Announcement
- Scott D’Aguanno
- INT. DORM ROOM - NIGHT
- A very normal dorm room at a university that could be just like yours. A party is going on, with a crowd of rowdy teenagers dancing to wordless club music. At the center of the action are two boys, JOSH and DAMIAN. JOSH is holding a large book that says only MATH on the cover, like any normal teenager. DAMIAN is wearing a black trench-coat. You can see where this is going.
- JOSH
- (trying hard to emote)
- Wow, this is a crazy party, huh Damian?
- DAMIAN
- (flat)
- Yeah it is, Josh. Kyle’s birthday parties are always the event of the semester. Everybody is here. Even Tiffany. You like her, right? Now is your chance!
- JOSH
- (monotone)
- I don’t know. I think it’s a bit too much for me. I’m going to go back to my dorm and study.
- DAMIAN scoffs and rolls his eyes.
- DAMIAN
- (baffled, still flat)
- Are you kidding me? Why go study when you could have all this fun?
- JOSH
- (meek)
- I guess I’m just not much of a party animal.
- DAMIAN
- (sly, now menacing)
- What if… we could make you one?
- DAMIAN pulls a bag out of his trench-coat pocket. The bag is filled with an unmistakable white powder. Written on the outside with a sharpie is DRUGS.
- JOSH
- (surprised)
- Is that… illegal drugs?
- DAMIAN
- (menacing)
- It’s your first-class ticket to the greatest night of your life.
- JOSH
- (monotone)
- Where did you get it?
- DAMIAN
- I have this uh… this uh…
- DAMIAN very unsubtly pulls out what is clearly a script from his trench-coat. He flips through a couple pages, finds what he is looking for, and puts the script back into the coat.
- DAMIAN
- (pretending that didn’t just happen)
- I have this friend who has this friend who has this brother who knows a guy.
- JOSH
- (trying hard to emote)
- You shouldn’t have these. Those are illegal! You could go to JAIL!
- DAMIAN
- Don’t knock it till you try it. Don’t you want Tiffany to think you’re cool?
- JOSH
- (defiant)
- I won’t do it! You can’t make me!
- DAMIAN starts moving towards JOSH, beckoning the bag towards him.
- DAMIAN
- Just have some, man! It won’t hurt you…
- NARRATOR
- Stop that right there!
- Suddenly, the two boys freeze in place. A man walks in from the side of the scene. He is dressed like a rich guidance counselor, attempting to look authoritative but relatable. He stops in front of the paused scene.
- NARRATOR
- (cont.) Kids, has this ever happened to you, or someone you know? Most likely. Drugs are dangerous, and it is never cool to say yes to them. Be like Josh here, and say no.
- The narrator freezes with his finger pointed at the audience. Suddenly, DAMIAN starts moving again.
- DAMIAN
- (annoyed)
- There, we’re done. Can we go now?
- The narrator also begins moving again. He crosses his arms and scoffs at Damian.
- NARRATOR
- (annoyed)
- That wasn’t good enough! I need more emotion, more drama!! I need you to not blow your damn lines, PAUL.
- DAMIAN/PAUL
- Maybe if you gave us more than fifteen minutes to rehearse, this wouldn’t happen.
- JOSH finally also unfreezes.
- JOSH
- This is also super cliché.
- He holds up the MATH book.
- JOSH
- (cont.) Why did I bring a book that just says MATH on the cover to a party?
- DAMIAN/PAUL
- Yeah, I don’t think this is a situation that has happened… uh… ever. It’s dated, but I don’t even know when it’s dated from.
- NARRATOR
- (flabbergasted)
- What?? This is RE-AL-I-TY. This is exactly what real colleges are like!
- JOSH
- Dude, you’re like 60. When you went to college, ALF was popular.
- NARRATOR
- (thinking out loud)
- Come to think of it, we should add more cultural references to the script. Do you guys know the Safety Dance?
- DAMIAN/PAUL groans. JOSH starts hitting himself on the head with the book. The narrator begins to move towards the edge of the scene.
- NARRATOR 2
- Stop this right there!
- The scene freezes again. A different narrator steps into the scene, even more authoritative yet relatable than the first.
- NARRATOR 2
- (cont.) Do you want to educate the youth of America, yet you completely lack the nuance or writing talent to do so?
- The first narrator unfreezes.
- NARRATOR
- (offended)
- Hey! Who asked for your opinion?
- The second narrator ignores him.
- NARRATOR 2
- This sad man thinks he is showcasing the gritty reality of the American school system, but instead he’s probably making people more inclined to turn to hard drugs.
- JOSH unfreezes.
- JOSH
- I’m actually high right now.
- NARRATOR
- (baffled)
- You’re WHAT?
- NARRATOR 2
- I rest my case.
- The original narrator, speechless, looks from JOSH to the second narrator and back. He rips his script in half and runs off-stage. DAMIAN/PAUL unfreezes and turns to the second narrator.
- DAMIAN/PAUL
- (confused)
- Does this mean we only exist in a PSA inside of a PSA?
- The second narrator crosses to DAMIAN/PAUL and pats him on the shoulder.
- NARRATOR 2
- Oh, my boy, you have no idea how deep this goes.
- END
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