Life As We Know It... Jim.html :: Jan 14, 2012

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<P>So I guess it all starts here. I thought alot about this, and well
I'm really still thinking about this letter / book that I'm writing
as I write it (: I'm not sure what will come of this writing but at
least I'll be doing something right now that I have wanted to do for
ages. That's pretty much tell people about me. It's not that I am
special in any sense of the word (maybe the short yellow limo
type...), but rather I just feel alone, and I think that maybe by
writing this then I'll find people out there that aren't just tokens
in my life, but rather meaningful in my life. I don't know where this
will end up, but I am doing it. I am not writing this for feedback. I
am doing this purely so people can know me without me having to tell
them or lead them to finding out about me. Yes I am selfish. I firmly
believe that selfishness is not always a bad thing. I have no excuses
for any of my actions. Nor do I make consolations up for them. I do
try to analyze why I make them. Again there are no excuses, but just
reasons that aren't necessarily justified to anyone but me why I do
them.<BR><BR>I think I might just start with what I perceive as my
faults. These faults may or may not be real to other people, and in
fact I am thinking that I'll be putting alot of thoughts into other
peoples' minds as I go on. On the other hand some things I may say
may actually offend those that I know, and well I can't help that
much.</P>
<P>Whatever comes into my mind I think I'll tackle while still
fresh.<BR><BR>Fault #1: I do things as I see the need. I do believe
that there is no right and wrong, but rather a self perception of the
right and wrong. I know this may sound like crap but well I find it
to be very true to me. Ok so on to that #1 fault. On a side note it
may not be what I think of as #1, but it's the first that came to
mind (maybe it is?). I lie. Not to anyone in particular, although
there are those that I lie more to than others, but I never go into
meeting people with the thought of lying. I suppose you could say
it's just part of my fucked outlook but I think lying is not always a
bad thing. I think that people that tell the truth tend to be a
little bit less interesting as people. I think lying can be so part
of someone that they do it without even knowing it. Is that bad? I
think not in most cases. In some cases it is an outright lie, but I
have tried to limit those that are that way. There are some where my
eyes (as I would think they look) gloss over and something different
than the truth comes out. I suppose you could also say that I could
be classified (as much as I know of it) as an industrial psychopath.
I saw a brief glimpse into their existences. Most I see end up in
jail. Most I saw on the show I watched were there and obviously
didn't mind it enough to stop doing it to the extent of which they
were.<BR><BR>Fault #2: Inner self control is a very difficult thing
for me. I can beat the most horrid things (in my mind of course) out
there, but yet as those parentheses should lead one to believe that I
think about it, and therefore come to a conclusion. Oddly enough this
type of thing sometimes goes against what Fault #1 is. It's hard to
lie when people watch.<BR><BR>As I am writing Fault #2 I find it
extremely load lifting for me to get this out. I am at a stage in
life where I think I would be better off not be sociable at all. This
would be a pretty difficult thing at this stage in my life. I almost
consider it a goal.<BR><BR>Fault #3: This next one may seem arrogant
or whatever but I feel it's very difficult to be mean to people. Sure
I may be judgmental but not mean. I used to be mean when I ran away,
and even before that to helpless animals, but now I have a better
understanding and I dare to say compassion for things. A cockroach?
It's a dead thing when I see them. My cat Charlie? He'll live as long
as he wants to with me. Which mind you he is dead now (several months
have passed).<BR><BR>Fault #4: Sorta works with Fault #1 but I feel I
can do things that most would consider impossible, or highly (to
extremely) unlikely. I think / believe I can get to space under my
own brain power. We'll see where that turns out. There are lots of
things, and I'll eventually start writing &quot;chapters&quot; on
what those are with details and all (:<BR><BR>Fault #5: I am
extremely tolerant of people I don't know while I am extremely
impatient with those that I do know best.<BR><BR>Fault #6: I have a
hard time distinguishing between the different types of people in my
life. There are those that I can be around and act one way with, but
those people don't at all get along with the other types. This isn't
just 2 sided, is multi-sided.<BR><BR>Fault #7: I want people to think
of me as someone who I am not. That's probably because I wish I could
the things I want people to remember me for. This isn't just a
physical or mental thing but rather challenges I wish I had taken,
but wouldn't really take now.<BR><BR>Fault #8: I have a lot of
stories from my life. Most of those stories facilitate my lying.
Mostly because I can work on 99% or less fact, and make shit up with
that other 1% or more. I must admit that 99% is a very wishful figure
but that would be the least amount I figure.<BR><BR>As fault's go
they still make me, well me. I may have all this bad stuff inside of
me, and while most of it is purely selfish I can always put a spin on
it, and that's what makes my warped brain a little more persuasive to
lying. The one thing I'll regret for showing this is that most of my
friends (well 2) will most likely question me for the rest of my
life, but it's something that is fair to them. I look at it like
this... knowing what I am does not change who I pretend to be.</P>
<P>Fault #9: I don't care for most people. I suppose the real blunt
way to put it is that I don't care about most people. They may think
I do, but in my mind I couldn't care less about them. This is
something I really don't like about myself, but I can't make the
feelings, and I certainly don't feel I need to try to have them. As I
said in the beginning this may offend you, but now you know and have
a choice to deal with it.</P>
<P>There are only 2 people at this time that I truly care about. Some
around those do I care about because if something happened to those
people then those 2 people may feel bad, and that I wouldn't like to
see. Caring by proxy is to me something I can't avoid.</P>
<P>Fault #10: I dream too much instead of think about things that
really matter to me. In that I mean there are things I can do and
things I can't and I find myself spending too much time dwelling on
those that I can't accomplish. These are usually things that would be
impossible with known physical laws. These are sometimes things that
I could not do due to lack of ability to do it. These are some things
that I lack the courage to do. Sure I put a spin on the lack of
courage, but still I am not willing to do them, but I would sure like
to be able to do them.</P>
<P>Ok so I am done for now on the faults. Oddly enough I am not
feeling down, but rather so much is pouring out of my brain it is
hard to keep up.</P>
<P><BR><BR>
</P>
<P>I want to smoke cigarettes. I want to smoke pot. I want to drink
more alcohol. When I do these I feel better about myself. It isn't a
statement to say I feel bad about myself at anytime. I feel decent
about myself most of the time. I look back on my life, and I am very
happy where I am at. I could be doing better but I choose not to. I
believe everyone chooses not to do better at some stage. Maybe the
reason for that is that everyone needs some reflection time. I used
to do this.</P>
<P>Everyone around me seems to be different. Most everyone around me
have the same type of thinking. This is how I see it. It is a blanket
statement, but it's what I see.</P>
<P>The world is full of selfish people. The people that are not
selfish are starving. Do I care? No. Would I help if I had the chance
given to me? Yes. Will I attempt to help? No. Most of you may think
it is time for Fault #11, but I don't see it that way. Some people
care, and I don't. I have been homeless. I have been starving.
Sometimes for purpose, other times for lack of purpose.</P>
<P>I love my cat. 13 is a cat that bonded with me. I have recently
decided to get a new cat. 13 is not dead but living in Alaska. My new
cat's name as mentioned earlier is Charlie. He seems to have a good
character so far.<BR><BR><BR>
</P>
<P STYLE="line-height: 100%">Drugs... I have done drugs. Drugs have
and most likely will until I die and further on, always have a bad
rap. Drugs to some if not most are bad things. When someone mentions
a drug store in the USA they think about legal prescription drugs. I
think of drugs as illegal mind altering substances. Illegal in the
USA that is.</P>
<P>Pot. I like this drug most of all. It doesn't take long before you
get to know me that this is accurate. I find myself now more at ease
taking this drug. I have no apprehension so to speak, but when I
smoke pot I find I think creative thoughts. This happens to most
maybe, but it certainly happens to me. In certain groups in the USA,
and most likely elsewhee drugs are an evil thing, and that goes to
include pot.</P>
<P>Acid. Never tried acid by itself. Not even sure I tried it with
anything really, but I was told once I had some acid in a pill. I'll
never know. But I do know I never experienced anything like the
descriptions I hear and read about. In that sense I haven't taken it.</P>
<P>Heroin. Big lie. Never taken it. Never want to take it.</P>
<P>Crystal Meth. This was what I was told i was smoking when taking
the acid pill. Had some effect, and while nice I have never taken it
again.</P>
<P>Cocaine. Taken regularly for a brief period of time. I enjoy it,
and find that in order to become addicted I must take a lot.
Addicted? not even close.</P>
<P>Crack Cocaine. Taken a few times, and in great quantity every
time. Addicted? not even close.</P>
<P>Ecstasy. Love it. Will take it whenever I am out clubbing. I
usually don't have a good time out clubbing without. The pub is a
different story.</P>
<P>More drugs to be added I am sure.</P>
<P><BR><BR>
</P>
<P>Interstingly enough. I have just met this chick. I usually don't
write in this. I usually incorporate this kind of stuff into a book,
or at least a written me. Yeah bullshit but, it's still me however
arrogant as this sounds. I want someone to know me. If it's just
someone 5000 years from now, then cool. I want to write about stuff
that I truly love. It may be stuff about my deepest part of my life,
but I spend more time in another reality than anyone else. I am I'd
say in this universe less than my real univierse. I'm actually scared
I just wrote that. I 100% terrfied. I actually do spend that amout of
time. What happens is that I do usually realize when it's not
reality, It takes me longer to realize reality when I'm compeletely
trashed, but I feel it 10 billion times more in affect I reckon, when
I do.</P>
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