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GARGANTUANS FLUFF BY ANON

a guest Mar 19th, 2013 4,019 Never
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  1.  
  2. GARGANTUANS FLUFF, ABRIDGED IN CAPS BY ANON:
  3.  
  4. *HEY GUYS REMEMBER WHEN MADRAK IRONHIDE ACTUALLY DID THINGS IN THE FLUFF GUESS WHAT*
  5.  
  6. TROLLKIN: WE ARE PUNCHING CYGNARANS IN THE BALLS RAWR
  7.  
  8. CYGNARANS: FUCKING SHITCOCKS
  9.  
  10. DOOMSHAPER: OH BTW WE'RE TOTALLY GOING TO GO TO CERYL AND FUCK UP YOUR SHIT EVEN MORE
  11.  
  12. CYGNARANS: DOUBLE SHITCOCKS
  13.  
  14. MADRAK: I AM TROUBLED THAT MY AXE OF MURDER BLOOD RAGE HAS FILLED ME WITH MURDER BLOOD RAGE ALSO MAYBE ATTACKING A MAJOR CYGNARAN CITY IS A BAD IDEA
  15.  
  16. BORKA: WHY ARE YOU SUCH A PUSSY
  17.  
  18. DOOMSHAPER: WHAT BORKA SAID
  19.  
  20. GRIM: HEY MADRAK GRISSEL SENT ME BECAUSE WE'RE GETTING OUR FUDGE PACKED MAYBE YOU COULD COME ON BACK EAST SO THAT WE MIGHT STAND A CHANCE UNDER THE SHADOW OF NARRATIVE CAUSALITY
  21.  
  22. MADRAK: SORRY I'M TOO BUSY TREADING A LOT OF THE SAME GROUND AS THE WHOLE EMO-STRYKER ARC SO I'M GOING TO STAY HERE WITH ALL OF OUR KIN'S BLOODTHIRSTY SOCIOPATHS AND MALCONTENTS
  23.  
  24. GRIM: DOUBLE NAGA NIGHTLURKERS
  25.  
  26. *MEANWHILE*
  27.  
  28. RHYAS: YOU NEVER CALL WE NEVER GO OUT ANYMORE AND YOU KEEP HANGING AROUND WITH VAYL YOU'RE SEEING THAT EPIC WHORE BEHIND MY BACK AREN'T YOU I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SPREAD YOUR LEGS FOR PURIFICATION
  29.  
  30. SAERYN: UGH JESUS CHRIST
  31.  
  32. *JUST THEN SOMEWHERE WITH THE CIRCLE ORBOROS*
  33.  
  34. BALDUR: LOOK SO WURMWOOD CALLED AND BY MY CURRENT BARGAIN I AM OBLIGATED TO BEND OVER AND GRAB ANKLES IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO DO SOME WORK ON YOUR FEET FOR ONCE
  35.  
  36. MORVAHNA: AHAHAHAHAAHAHA NOT FUNNY ASSHOLE
  37.  
  38. BALDUR: WE TOTALLY HERPED THE DERP FIGHTING THE SKORNE THOUGH SO WE DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE THE RESOURCES TO CONVERT OUR PYRRHIC VICTORY INTO SOME MEANINGFUL ADVANTAGE
  39.  
  40. MORVAHNA: THERE IS ONE WHO MIGHT HELP ONE WHO IS KNOWN AS THE ANGRIEST RETARD IN ALL OF THE CIRCLE
  41.  
  42. BALDUR: KROMAC OR KRUEGER
  43.  
  44. MORVAHNA: THE ONE WITH THE ARMY THAT'S BEEN DOING FUCK ALL
  45.  
  46. BALDUR: THAT DOESN'T NARROW IT DOWN
  47.  
  48. MORVAHNA: IT'S KRUEGER AND DON'T WORRY I WILL USE ALL MY POLITICAL WILES AND CUNNING TO CONVINCE HIM TO LEND HIS AID AGAINST EVERBLIGHT
  49.  
  50. *AND SO*
  51.  
  52. MORVAHNA: HEY YOU WANT TO LEAD THE FIGHT AGAINST EVERBLIGHT AND FEED YOUR ENDLESS SOCIOPATHIC EGO
  53.  
  54. KRUEGER: BITCH YOU'RE PLAYING MY SONG
  55.  
  56. *AFTER 30 PAGES OF UNBOUND RULES NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT, LET'S SEE WHAT GRIM'S DOING*
  57.  
  58. GRIM: WOW THE CIRCLE IS REALLY INTERESTED IN THIS MYTH ABOUT "MOUNTAINS THAT WALK" THAT I DON'T BELIEVE IN I GUESS THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE LIKE TWENTY WOLDWRATHS TEARING THIS MOUNTAIN APART PROBABLY MEANS SOME SERIOUS SHIT IS GOING DOWN THOUGH
  59.  
  60. RASK: OOGA BOOGA BOOGA IMMA RANSOM YOU TO THE TROLLBLOODS
  61.  
  62. GRIM: UH WHY
  63.  
  64. RASK: BECAUSE WITH THE STRENGTH OF THE TROLLBLOODS I MIGHT FINALLY FREE MYSELF FROM THE GRASP OF BLOODY FUCKING BARNABAS
  65.  
  66. GRIM: YOU HAVEN'T BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO LIKE THE LAST FOUR BOOKS HAVE YOU
  67.  
  68. OH BY THE WAY THIS IS THE FLUFF SECTION OF A NON-CYGNAR FACTION SO YOU BASICALLY AUTOLOSE
  69.  
  70. RASK: FUCK
  71.  
  72. *OKAY NOW IT'S CIRCLE TIME*
  73.  
  74. KRUEGER: WHILE I DISTRACT THE LEGION FORCE FROM THE FRONT YOU WILL PENETRATE THEM FROM THE REAR SOMETHING WITH WHICH I HAVE HEARD YOU HAVE MUCH EXPERIENCE MORVAHNA
  75.  
  76. MORVAHNA: GODDAMNIT THIS SHIT ISN'T FUNNY
  77.  
  78. BLIGHTERGHAST: KRUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRR
  79.  
  80. EVERBLIGHT HAD KALLUS SPRAYPAINT "HERE BE DICKBURGLARS" ALL OVER MY MOUNTAIN COME CLEAN IT UP
  81.  
  82. ALSO HE MADE DRAGONSPAWN IN OUR IMAGE HE'S MAKING FUN OF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
  83.  
  84. KRUEGER: MOTHERFUCKER I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF A BATTLE AGAINST THE ARMY OF YOUR MORTAL GODDAMN ENEMY
  85.  
  86. BLIGHTERGHAST: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT'S NOT CRYX
  87.  
  88. KRUEGER: THAT'S NOT WHAT I OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE FINE KEEP YOUR ASBESTOS PANTIES ON MORVAHNA YOU AND GRAYLE TAKE CARE OF THIS SHIT
  89.  
  90. MORVAHNA: OKAY WE'RE FACING THE TWIN SISTERS OF EVERBLIGHT ONE OF WHICH IS A MANIPULATIVE HIGH-TIER HYPER-BITCH AND THE OTHER A SERVILE SWORD-SWINGING MORON THAT NO ONE EVER PLAYS
  91.  
  92. GRAYLE: WHY DO I FEEL THE STRANGE TUG OF AN UNSPOKEN SUBTEXT
  93.  
  94. MORVAHNA: GO KILL THE SWORD-TWIN YOU LOW-TIER BUMBLEFUCK
  95.  
  96. GRAYLE: okay.jpg
  97.  
  98. *AND SO THEY FIGHT AND MORVAHNA PURIFIES BREATH STEALER WHICH REALLY TELLS YOU ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW*
  99.  
  100. *ALSO THE CIRCLE DRIVES OFF THE LEGION BECAUSE WE NEED TO STRETCH THIS WHOLE ATHANC SUBPLOT ACROSS ANOTHER THREE BOOKS OR SO*
  101.  
  102. *HEY-O LET'S SEE WHAT THE SKORNE-O ARE UP TO-O*
  103.  
  104. MORGHOUL: SO YEAH EVEN WITH AN OUTCROPPING WHERE WE CAN STATION OUR MAMMOTHS TO SHIT ON THE IOSAN TWILIGHT GATE (FIGURATIVELY AND LITERALLY) TAKING THIS FROM IOS MIGHT GO REAL BAD ANY IDEAS FEARLESS LEADER MAKEDA
  105.  
  106. MAKEDA: MARCH AT THEM FUCKING HARDER
  107.  
  108. MORGHOUL: ARE YOU SURE I MEAN THAT'S A LOT OF WALLS AND A FUCKLOAD OF GUNS
  109.  
  110. MAKEDA: WE'RE SKORNE WE DON'T HAVE A RANGE GAME BECAUSE GUNS ARE FOR PUSSIES
  111.  
  112. *AND SO THE SKORNE ATTACK LOSING A QUARTER OF THEIR FORCE IN THE FIRST HOUR AND REALIZING THAT GUNS ARE IN FACT NOT JUST FOR PUSSIES EVEN IF IOS IS CAEN'S GIANTY STINKY LADY HOLE*
  113.  
  114. MAKEDA: I CAN'T BELIEVE THE ANCESTORS WOULD LEAVE ME HERE ONLY TO LAUGH AS THEY WATCH US GET FUCKED IN THE FACE IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME BULLSHIT CONTRIVANCE TO TURN THE BATTLE IN OUR FAVOR
  115.  
  116. *SUDDENLY A FUCKING MAMMOTH FALLS OFF A CLIFF AND LANDS ON A BUNCH OF MAGICAL EXPLOSIVES WHICH BLOW ALL THE WALLS AND IOSANS TO KINGDOM COME*
  117.  
  118. *THE ABOVE ACTUALLY FUCKING HAPPENS*
  119.  
  120. MAKEDA: HOLY SHIT WE TOTALLY WON
  121.  
  122. MORGHOUL: DOES IT EVER BOTHER YOU THAT EVEN WHEN WE WIN IN THE FLUFF WE STILL ACTUALLY SORT OF LOST
  123.  
  124. MAKEDA: NO SHOULD IT
  125.  
  126. *AND NOW WE TURN TO LEGION AND FIND OUT HOW THE ARCHANGEL SOMEHOW CAME OUT OF THE SAME PLAYTEST CYCLE AS THE FUCKING MAMMOTH*
  127.  
  128. EVERBLIGHT: THROUGH THIS TOTALLY BITCHING DRAGONSPAWN THAT IS NONETHELESS INFERIOR TO A RAVAGORE AND SCYTHEAN IN 75% OF ALL LEGION LISTS WE SHALL SECURE MY DOMINION OVER CAEN
  129.  
  130. VAYL: WAIT WHAT
  131.  
  132. *A WILD CHARSAUG APPEARS*
  133.  
  134. *...IT'S A DRAGON*
  135.  
  136. *FROM THE SECOND IK MONSTERNOMICON LOOK IT'S BAD SHIT BECAUSE HE SEES THE LEGION SPAWNING ARCHANGELS AND IS INDIGNANT THAT A $135 MODEL WAS GIVEN SUCH SHIT RULES*
  137.  
  138. *STOP GIVING ME THAT STINK EYE TROLL PLAYERS WE'LL GET TO SHITTING ON YOU SOME MORE IN A BIT*
  139.  
  140. EVERBLIGHT: HEY LYLYTH TRY AND DISTRACT CHARSAUG FOR LIKE 5 SECONDS BEFORE YOU TOTALLY GET ANNIHILATED SO THAT EVERYONE ELSE CAN GET AWAY YOU'LL GET COLLEGE CREDIT AND SANTA'S SLEIGH
  141.  
  142. LYLYTH: RAWR I AM FILLED WITH SUICIDAL RAGE AS EVERBLIGHT PLAYS ME LIKE A DRUM
  143.  
  144. CHARSAUG: I'M BIG AND SCARY AND YOU'RE ALL FUCKED NOW WAIT A SECOND YOU'RE HITTING ME WHY ARE YOU HITTING ME THAT'S NOT FAIR I'M GOING TO GO TELL ON YOU TO BLIGHTERGHAST
  145.  
  146. *AND SO CHARSAUG RUNS LIKE A SHINY CHANSEY IN THE SAFARI ZONE*
  147.  
  148. EVERBLIGHT: HOLY SHIT I AM TOTALLY AWESOME THE FACT THAT THE FUCKING RAPEWASP IS MORE BELOVED IN THIS BOOK THAN MY GREATEST DRACONIC CREATION NONWITHSTANDING
  149.  
  150. VAYL: UH DOESN'T TWEAKING THE NOSE OF EVERY DRAGON ON CAEN MAKE OUR LIVES A LOT MORE DANGEROUS FOR NO PRACTICAL GAIN
  151.  
  152. EVERBLIGHT: SORRY WHAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU AND THE TWINS IN MENAGE-A-TROIS ACTION SPEAKING OF WHICH LET'S KEEP FEEDING OUR FORCES PIECEMEAL TO THE CIRCLE SO THAT WE CAN STRETCH OUT THIS ATHANC ARC SOME MORE
  153. *AND SO WE COME TO THE MINIONS SECTION*
  154.  
  155. *IT'S ABOUT MIDAS AND HIS QUEST TO GET A FUCKING ANIMANTRAX LIVER SO WE'RE GOING TO SKIP IT ON ACCOUNT OF ME NOT CARING AND THORNFALL FIGHTING OVER THE TOILET BOWL TROPHY WITH SEARFORGE*
  156.  
  157. *ANYWAY BACK TO THE GRAND FINALE OF SORTS*
  158.  
  159. MADRAK: MY DREAMS ARE DARK AND FULL OF DARKNESS LIKE MY NOTEBOOK IN JUNIOR HIGH
  160.  
  161. WURMWOOD: TONIGHT
  162.  
  163. YOU
  164.  
  165. MADRAK: HUH WHAT
  166.  
  167. WURMWOOD: SORRY I'M NOT USED TO ENTERING MORTAL MINDS SOMEWHAT-BENIGNLY OLD HABITS ARE HARD TO BREAK
  168.  
  169. ANYWAY YOU CAN BE FREE OF YOUR CURSE BY LETTING ME KILL YOU OR GIVING YOUR AXE TO KROMAC SO THAT HE CAN KILL EVERYONE
  170.  
  171. MADRAK: I DON'T LIKE EITHER OF THESE CHOICES
  172.  
  173. WURMWOOD: TOO BAD I'VE PULLED SOME KEIKAKU DOORI SHIT AND GUESS WHO'S TATTLING TO DOOMSHAPER ABOUT THESE MOUNTAIN KINGS WE'RE TRYING TO FREE/CONTROL/KILL
  174.  
  175. MADRAK: AW SHITNIPPLES
  176.  
  177. GRIM: SO YEAH I SAW THE MARKER AND THE CIRCLE BEING ALL OVER THAT MOUNTAIN LIKE FLIES ON SHIT
  178.  
  179. DOOMSHAPER: OMG MADRAK GET YOUR BITCH ASS OUT HERE WE HAVE TO FREE THE MOUNTAIN KINGS
  180.  
  181. MADRAK: THOSE MYTHICAL EMBODIMENTS OF HUNGER THAT NEARLY ATE FUCKING CAEN INDISCRIMINATELY ARE YOU SURE THAT'S A GOOD IDEA
  182.  
  183. DOOMSHAPER: SURE IT WORKED WITH THE DIRE TROLLS AND IF NOTHING HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME I STUCK MY DICK IN THE ELECTRICAL SOCKET CLEARLY NOTHING WILL CONTINUE TO HAPPEN INTO PERPETUITY
  184.  
  185. BORKA: I'M DRUNK AND I THINK THAT'S GREAT LOGIC
  186.  
  187. MADRAK: SIGH
  188.  
  189. *AND SO THE TROLLS FIND THE CIRCLE AND THEY HAVE A FIGHT*
  190.  
  191. WURMWOOD: I'M JUST GOING TO SIT BACK HERE AND WATCH AND NOT DO ANYTHING
  192.  
  193. BALDUR: ME TOO
  194.  
  195. WURMWOOD: KROMAC GO KILL MADRAK LIKE A GOOD LITTLE BESERKER RETARD
  196.  
  197. KROMAC: ONE OF YOU COCKLORDS PISSED ON MY AXE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE RAWR DIE MADRAK
  198.  
  199. MADRAK: AW SHIT
  200.  
  201. BORKA: DYNAMIC ENTRY MOTHERFUCKER
  202.  
  203. *SO BORKA TACKLES KROMAC OFF A CLIFF AND THEY FIGHT FOR A BIT SPOILERS NEITHER DIES*
  204.  
  205. DOOMSHAPER: I NEED TO UNRAVEL THIS SPELL THAT WURMWOOD HAS BEEN WEAVING TO CONTROL THE MOUNTAIN KING QUICK MADRAK PUNCH A WARPWOLF IN THE DICK
  206.  
  207. MADRAK: UH OKAY
  208.  
  209. *THE MOUNTAIN KINGS AWAKEN TO THE SCREAMS OF A MILLION WARPWOLF SPERM BEFORE THE VOICES ARE BRUTALLY SILENCED*
  210.  
  211. *AND THEY EAT FUCKING EVERYTHING*
  212.  
  213. DOOMSHAPER: THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME
  214.  
  215. MADRAK: I JUST LOOKED AT THEIR STATCARDS AND THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT
  216.  
  217. ~FIN
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