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Iliza Shlesinger: Unveiled (2019)

theaceboyyat Nov 21st, 2019 282 Never
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  1. 1
  2. 00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:58,892
  3. Thank you, Nashville!
  4.  
  5. 2
  6. 00:01:01,436 --> 00:01:02,771
  7. Thank you.
  8.  
  9. 3
  10. 00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:06,399
  11. So this year was a really important year
  12. for me
  13.  
  14. 4
  15. 00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:07,817
  16. because I got...
  17.  
  18. 5
  19. 00:01:10,570 --> 00:01:11,738
  20. Thank you.
  21.  
  22. 6
  23. 00:01:12,989 --> 00:01:14,032
  24. I appreciate that.
  25.  
  26. 7
  27. 00:01:14,115 --> 00:01:15,867
  28. I appreciate that reciprocity.
  29.  
  30. 8
  31. 00:01:16,117 --> 00:01:19,370
  32. I said something positive,
  33. you gave me positivity back.
  34.  
  35. 9
  36. 00:01:19,954 --> 00:01:21,247
  37. I was like, "I got married,"
  38.  
  39. 10
  40. 00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:23,291
  41. and you were like,
  42. "That's great. How old is she?"
  43.  
  44. 11
  45. 00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:25,013
  46. But like, you went...
  47.  
  48. 12
  49. 00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:26,251
  50. ...for it.
  51.  
  52. 13
  53. 00:01:26,419 --> 00:01:27,754
  54. I think sometimes as women
  55.  
  56. 14
  57. 00:01:27,837 --> 00:01:31,466
  58. we're afraid to share good personal news
  59. with people.
  60.  
  61. 15
  62. 00:01:33,718 --> 00:01:36,471
  63. Because we're afraid
  64. that other women won't be happy for us.
  65.  
  66. 16
  67. 00:01:36,554 --> 00:01:37,388
  68. What a scathing note
  69.  
  70. 17
  71. 00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:39,474
  72. to start a special out on.
  73.  
  74. 18
  75. 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,936
  76. But all too often you say
  77. something good like, "I got married,"
  78.  
  79. 19
  80. 00:01:43,019 --> 00:01:45,188
  81. - and what I'll get back is like...
  82. - "Amazing."
  83.  
  84. 20
  85. 00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:49,067
  86. I am here running on a platform
  87.  
  88. 21
  89. 00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:52,403
  90. - to eradicate the usage of the word...
  91. - "amazing"...
  92.  
  93. 22
  94. 00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,365
  95. ...from our female vocabularies
  96.  
  97. 23
  98. 00:01:55,448 --> 00:01:58,576
  99. because I know what "amazing" means. Okay?
  100.  
  101. 24
  102. 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,996
  103. Girls, when you say "amazing,"
  104. I know you don't mean amazing.
  105.  
  106. 25
  107. 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:05,083
  108. - Okay, so save it for your boyfriends.
  109. - They are not paying attention.
  110.  
  111. 26
  112. 00:02:07,544 --> 00:02:09,045
  113. I know what amazing means.
  114.  
  115. 27
  116. 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,422
  117. When a woman says "amazing,"
  118. what she actually means is,
  119.  
  120. 28
  121. 00:02:11,506 --> 00:02:13,986
  122. "This isn't about me
  123. and I don't care and I'm a little insecure
  124.  
  125. 29
  126. 00:02:14,050 --> 00:02:16,302
  127. but I wanna make sure
  128. I'm being a good feminist
  129.  
  130. 30
  131. 00:02:16,386 --> 00:02:18,986
  132. and saying 'amazing' back
  133. when in actuality it's boring." Amazing.
  134.  
  135. 31
  136. 00:02:19,013 --> 00:02:21,391
  137. That's what that means.
  138.  
  139. 32
  140. 00:02:21,516 --> 00:02:22,516
  141. Amazing.
  142.  
  143. 33
  144. 00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:26,521
  145. We've become like robots just like,
  146. "Amazing, amazing, amaz...
  147.  
  148. 34
  149. 00:02:26,604 --> 00:02:28,731
  150. Amazing. It's amazing."
  151.  
  152. 35
  153. 00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,608
  154. Because in the wake of Me Too
  155. and Time's Up,
  156.  
  157. 36
  158. 00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:33,278
  159. all of these important,
  160. very necessary movements,
  161.  
  162. 37
  163. 00:02:33,361 --> 00:02:36,489
  164. what's come out of it
  165. is women policing other women
  166.  
  167. 38
  168. 00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:41,119
  169. and we walk around terrified
  170. as women of being called bad feminists
  171.  
  172. 39
  173. 00:02:41,202 --> 00:02:43,788
  174. by quite frankly other bad feminists.
  175.  
  176. 40
  177. 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,708
  178. So we all walk around
  179. on this heightened alert like,
  180.  
  181. 41
  182. 00:02:46,791 --> 00:02:49,831
  183. "She's amazing. I didn't say anything.
  184. Don't get mad at me. I love all women.
  185.  
  186. 42
  187. 00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:52,964
  188. No woman's ever made a mistake.
  189. White jeans are always a great choice.
  190.  
  191. 43
  192. 00:02:53,047 --> 00:02:55,008
  193. Slay, queen." Terrified.
  194.  
  195. 44
  196. 00:02:55,091 --> 00:02:56,091
  197. Terrified.
  198.  
  199. 45
  200. 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:04,642
  201. That if we give an actual opinion,
  202. we're going to get crucified.
  203.  
  204. 46
  205. 00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:06,477
  206. That if you say any criticism,
  207.  
  208. 47
  209. 00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:08,401
  210. some blogger in the back of the room
  211. is like...
  212.  
  213. 48
  214. 00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:11,191
  215. "Female comic
  216. shamed my choices by existing.
  217.  
  218. 49
  219. 00:03:11,274 --> 00:03:13,484
  220. She hurt my fee-fees."
  221.  
  222. 50
  223. 00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:15,445
  224. That's what happens.
  225.  
  226. 51
  227. 00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:19,032
  228. So we all walk around and all we're doing
  229.  
  230. 52
  231. 00:03:19,115 --> 00:03:21,159
  232. is blaming other women
  233. for our own insecurities
  234.  
  235. 53
  236. 00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:23,244
  237. and all of a sudden
  238. everyone's shaming everyone
  239.  
  240. 54
  241. 00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:27,624
  242. by sharing an opinion that you fought
  243. so valiantly to get to exercise.
  244.  
  245. 55
  246. 00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:29,667
  247. "You're shaming her. You're shaming her."
  248.  
  249. 56
  250. 00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:32,128
  251. "I'm not. She fucked up my coffee order.
  252.  
  253. 57
  254. 00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:37,508
  255. No personal agenda.
  256. I asked her to make it again."
  257.  
  258. 58
  259. 00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:39,594
  260. This is why China is beating us.
  261.  
  262. 59
  263. 00:03:39,677 --> 00:03:41,179
  264. Okay?
  265.  
  266. 60
  267. 00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:42,388
  268. I'm a real feminist.
  269.  
  270. 61
  271. 00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:45,600
  272. I judge you on the asshole
  273. that you are, we go from there.
  274.  
  275. 62
  276. 00:03:45,683 --> 00:03:47,393
  277. That's what it should be. Okay?
  278.  
  279. 63
  280. 00:03:49,145 --> 00:03:50,396
  281. That's what it should be.
  282.  
  283. 64
  284. 00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:54,651
  285. You liking another woman
  286. should not be mandated.
  287.  
  288. 65
  289. 00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:56,611
  290. That's not feminism,
  291. that's communism.
  292.  
  293. 66
  294. 00:03:56,694 --> 00:03:57,570
  295. Okay?
  296.  
  297. 67
  298. 00:03:57,654 --> 00:04:01,407
  299. This idea that just because she showed up
  300. I'm supposed to have this abundant love,
  301.  
  302. 68
  303. 00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:03,159
  304. I can promise you this as a feminist.
  305.  
  306. 69
  307. 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,536
  308. I'm excited you showed up.
  309. I'm excited you're capable.
  310.  
  311. 70
  312. 00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:07,500
  313. I do not hate you
  314. because you're younger than me
  315.  
  316. 71
  317. 00:04:07,538 --> 00:04:09,018
  318. or prettier than me or as successful.
  319.  
  320. 72
  321. 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,500
  322. However, you showed up and so did I
  323.  
  324. 73
  325. 00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:12,623
  326. so let's get it started
  327. 'cause life's a competition.
  328.  
  329. 74
  330. 00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:15,046
  331. Like, let's do it that way. Okay?
  332.  
  333. 75
  334. 00:04:18,716 --> 00:04:20,385
  335. And I know other women feel the same way,
  336.  
  337. 76
  338. 00:04:20,468 --> 00:04:22,508
  339. not just because you're laughing
  340. at what I'm saying,
  341.  
  342. 77
  343. 00:04:22,553 --> 00:04:26,015
  344. but if you look at the language that women
  345. consistently use to uphold one another,
  346.  
  347. 78
  348. 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:29,227
  349. the language is aggressive.
  350. 'Cause women are aggressive,
  351.  
  352. 79
  353. 00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:30,630
  354. we're just not allowed to show it
  355.  
  356. 80
  357. 00:04:30,687 --> 00:04:32,146
  358. because "likability and wrinkles."
  359.  
  360. 81
  361. 00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:33,856
  362. So we keep everything...
  363.  
  364. 82
  365. 00:04:34,232 --> 00:04:35,149
  366. But we're aggressive,
  367.  
  368. 83
  369. 00:04:35,233 --> 00:04:39,028
  370. look at the words we use
  371. on our "slay all day" tote bags
  372.  
  373. 84
  374. 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:42,407
  375. and our "feminists with to-do lists"
  376. neckerchiefs.
  377.  
  378. 85
  379. 00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:44,242
  380. Look at the words.
  381.  
  382. 86
  383. 00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:46,202
  384. "You're killing it."
  385.  
  386. 87
  387. 00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,912
  388. "I'm gonna kill you."
  389.  
  390. 88
  391. 00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:53,793
  392. "She's slaying it."
  393.  
  394. 89
  395. 00:04:53,876 --> 00:04:55,878
  396. "I'll slay you
  397. in the fucking streets."
  398.  
  399. 90
  400. 00:04:57,338 --> 00:04:58,881
  401. "Murdering it." "Wrecking it."
  402.  
  403. 91
  404. 00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:01,235
  405. "Shutting it down
  406. in the name of the dark lord!"
  407.  
  408. 92
  409. 00:05:01,259 --> 00:05:02,459
  410. Like everything.
  411.  
  412. 93
  413. 00:05:04,595 --> 00:05:07,223
  414. It's just on fire. It's exhausting.
  415.  
  416. 94
  417. 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:11,602
  418. I don't have, at 36, the full energy
  419. every time I see a woman to be like...
  420.  
  421. 95
  422. 00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:13,730
  423. "Kill it, queen! Mama.
  424.  
  425. 96
  426. 00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:14,813
  427. Amazing!"
  428.  
  429. 97
  430. 00:05:15,356 --> 00:05:19,152
  431. 'Cause I'm so tired from doing
  432. all the other shit society told me to do.
  433.  
  434. 98
  435. 00:05:19,777 --> 00:05:22,339
  436. So if I see you, you're not going
  437. to get the full welcome bouquet,
  438.  
  439. 99
  440. 00:05:22,363 --> 00:05:23,239
  441. but it's not personal.
  442.  
  443. 100
  444. 00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:25,950
  445. The most you're going to get
  446. out of me is just...
  447.  
  448. 101
  449. 00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:32,874
  450. So I got married and I married a chef,
  451.  
  452. 102
  453. 00:05:32,957 --> 00:05:35,001
  454. another thing that
  455. I was reticent to tell people
  456.  
  457. 103
  458. 00:05:35,084 --> 00:05:39,172
  459. because of our country's
  460. preconceived notions about chefs
  461.  
  462. 104
  463. 00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:41,966
  464. and everybody has an opinion on food.
  465.  
  466. 105
  467. 00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:44,844
  468. Everyone you know, you say,
  469. "I married a chef." They're like...
  470.  
  471. 106
  472. 00:05:44,927 --> 00:05:48,056
  473. "I am a chef, sort of.
  474. I film myself, I make it.
  475.  
  476. 107
  477. 00:05:48,139 --> 00:05:50,308
  478. I put my hand in the water!
  479.  
  480. 108
  481. 00:05:50,391 --> 00:05:53,061
  482. I'm in to cooking.
  483. I have a food blog, I'm a foodie."
  484.  
  485. 109
  486. 00:05:53,144 --> 00:05:54,395
  487. Nope, you're just huge.
  488.  
  489. 110
  490. 00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:56,707
  491. It's not... you're not a foodie.
  492.  
  493. 111
  494. 00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:58,107
  495. It's not the same.
  496.  
  497. 112
  498. 00:05:58,733 --> 00:05:59,817
  499. "I love food."
  500.  
  501. 113
  502. 00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:02,779
  503. I'm like, "Me too when I'm drunk
  504. at 3:00 a.m. and there's a taco truck,
  505.  
  506. 114
  507. 00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:04,631
  508. 'I'm a foodie, '
  509. but it's not the same thing."
  510.  
  511. 115
  512. 00:06:04,655 --> 00:06:06,407
  513. "No, I have a blog.
  514.  
  515. 116
  516. 00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:09,994
  517. I write mean comments in a Yelp page.
  518. I'm hoping to get a series picked up
  519.  
  520. 117
  521. 00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:11,621
  522. based off of it.
  523.  
  524. 118
  525. 00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:14,499
  526. I love... I take pictures of my spaghetti
  527. with a flash
  528.  
  529. 119
  530. 00:06:14,582 --> 00:06:16,167
  531. so it looks like a snuff film."
  532.  
  533. 120
  534. 00:06:18,669 --> 00:06:21,547
  535. Pro tip: don't take a picture
  536. of your food. Period.
  537.  
  538. 121
  539. 00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:24,300
  540. But don't take a picture
  541. of your food with a flash.
  542.  
  543. 122
  544. 00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:26,427
  545. It makes the food look like a hostage.
  546.  
  547. 123
  548. 00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:29,138
  549. The food always looks scared.
  550.  
  551. 124
  552. 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:32,076
  553. Like, take a picture of spaghetti
  554. with a flash, the spaghetti looks like,
  555.  
  556. 125
  557. 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,100
  558. it's like, "Please unchain me,
  559. I won't tell anyone.
  560.  
  561. 126
  562. 00:06:34,143 --> 00:06:36,187
  563. I promise to be loyal."
  564.  
  565. 127
  566. 00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:39,732
  567. Everyone's involved with food now.
  568.  
  569. 128
  570. 00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:42,902
  571. I think it's because of the Food Network,
  572. the ubiquity of these cooking shows.
  573.  
  574. 129
  575. 00:06:42,985 --> 00:06:45,279
  576. Everyone loves cooking
  577. and the Food Network,
  578.  
  579. 130
  580. 00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:48,467
  581. even if you haven't seen the Food Network,
  582. you've seen the Food Network, right?
  583.  
  584. 131
  585. 00:06:48,491 --> 00:06:50,636
  586. Like, we've all seen <i>Chopped, </i>right?
  587.  
  588. 132
  589. 00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:52,495
  590. Yeah.
  591.  
  592. 133
  593. 00:06:52,954 --> 00:06:55,554
  594. Inside your wicker basket,
  595. you'll find a severed head and a grape,
  596.  
  597. 134
  598. 00:06:55,623 --> 00:06:56,749
  599. make a frittata. Yes.
  600.  
  601. 135
  602. 00:06:59,043 --> 00:07:00,711
  603. And everyone's a celebrity chef now.
  604.  
  605. 136
  606. 00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:03,339
  607. Everyone's like a "celebrity chef."
  608. You can't just be a chef.
  609.  
  610. 137
  611. 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:06,383
  612. When I was little, I don't remember
  613. any boy saying they wanted to be chefs.
  614.  
  615. 138
  616. 00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:07,626
  617. There were no celebrity chefs.
  618.  
  619. 139
  620. 00:07:07,677 --> 00:07:10,513
  621. There were like a couple of them.
  622. When your parents were kids,
  623.  
  624. 140
  625. 00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:12,076
  626. there were like three fat French guys
  627.  
  628. 141
  629. 00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:14,600
  630. and Julia Child and like that was it.
  631.  
  632. 142
  633. 00:07:15,351 --> 00:07:18,479
  634. You weren't a chef, you were a cook
  635. and you were a cook on accident.
  636.  
  637. 143
  638. 00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:20,883
  639. You were a cook 'cause dudes
  640. were coming home from Vietnam,
  641.  
  642. 144
  643. 00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:22,608
  644. we didn't know what PTSD was yet,
  645.  
  646. 145
  647. 00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:24,052
  648. they're like, "Bob's acting weird.
  649.  
  650. 146
  651. 00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:26,237
  652. Stick him in the back."
  653.  
  654. 147
  655. 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,498
  656. "Female comic makes
  657. scathing social commentary
  658.  
  659. 148
  660. 00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:40,042
  661. about our nation's treatment of veterans.
  662.  
  663. 149
  664. 00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:41,752
  665. Accurate but hurtful."
  666.  
  667. 150
  668. 00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:52,805
  669. And because of how many food shows
  670. there are out there,
  671.  
  672. 151
  673. 00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:55,242
  674. the Food Network knows
  675. what kind of chefs you like to watch,
  676.  
  677. 152
  678. 00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:57,977
  679. so they cast the same archetypes
  680. of chefs, right?
  681.  
  682. 153
  683. 00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:00,313
  684. So there's always like a "bad boy" chef
  685.  
  686. 154
  687. 00:08:00,938 --> 00:08:03,191
  688. and I didn't want people to think
  689. I was married to that.
  690.  
  691. 155
  692. 00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:08,279
  693. Like just a sack of rage,
  694. fully tattooed piece of shit.
  695.  
  696. 156
  697. 00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:11,449
  698. "This is a devil's tooth,
  699. here's your crepe, suck my dick, Karen!
  700.  
  701. 157
  702. 00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:14,827
  703. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
  704.  
  705. 158
  706. 00:08:15,244 --> 00:08:16,662
  707. These are gauges in my ears,
  708.  
  709. 159
  710. 00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:19,066
  711. they also measure out an ounce
  712. of responsibly-sourced tuna,
  713.  
  714. 160
  715. 00:08:19,123 --> 00:08:20,791
  716. eat my butt, Susan!
  717.  
  718. 161
  719. 00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:22,186
  720. Just tough.
  721.  
  722. 162
  723. 00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:24,670
  724. Yeah, wallet chain.
  725.  
  726. 163
  727. 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:28,674
  728. I keep a knife in my truck
  729. to do a fine chop on parsley,
  730.  
  731. 164
  732. 00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:31,177
  733. lick it. Just tough."
  734.  
  735. 165
  736. 00:08:31,427 --> 00:08:34,889
  737. There's always a bad boy chef
  738. and there's always a lesbian chef.
  739.  
  740. 166
  741. 00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:38,267
  742. There's always a lesbian chef
  743.  
  744. 167
  745. 00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:42,313
  746. that takes cooking, like,
  747. a little too seriously...
  748.  
  749. 168
  750. 00:08:42,396 --> 00:08:43,636
  751. ...for this to be
  752.  
  753. 169
  754. 00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:46,150
  755. an enjoyable viewing experience.
  756. They're always posted up,
  757.  
  758. 170
  759. 00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:48,194
  760. - feet hip-width apart, like...
  761. - "Yes, chef!"
  762.  
  763. 171
  764. 00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:49,070
  765. You're like, "Okay.
  766.  
  767. 172
  768. 00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:55,993
  769. Can you just stand down?
  770.  
  771. 173
  772. 00:08:56,827 --> 00:08:59,747
  773. Thank you for your dinner service,
  774. but just relax."
  775.  
  776. 174
  777. 00:09:01,332 --> 00:09:03,000
  778. "I make vegan wedding cakes."
  779.  
  780. 175
  781. 00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:05,294
  782. "You need to chill out."
  783.  
  784. 176
  785. 00:09:05,753 --> 00:09:07,213
  786. This is so aggressive, right?
  787.  
  788. 177
  789. 00:09:07,296 --> 00:09:08,297
  790. They're always tough.
  791.  
  792. 178
  793. 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:11,509
  794. She always got a faux hawk and a bandanna.
  795.  
  796. 179
  797. 00:09:11,592 --> 00:09:14,095
  798. And food-related tattoos.
  799.  
  800. 180
  801. 00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:16,806
  802. Like salt, pepper, sugar.
  803. Like, yeah.
  804.  
  805. 181
  806. 00:09:22,144 --> 00:09:23,813
  807. Right? They're always like meaty.
  808.  
  809. 182
  810. 00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:26,065
  811. Always a...
  812. Always a little mean-looking, right,
  813.  
  814. 183
  815. 00:09:26,148 --> 00:09:28,109
  816. but she always got
  817. a dainty name, like "Charity"
  818.  
  819. 184
  820. 00:09:28,192 --> 00:09:31,279
  821. 'cause her parents weren't counting
  822. on having a pit bull for a daughter.
  823.  
  824. 185
  825. 00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:45,060
  826. "Chef Charity, what would you do
  827. if you won today's episode?"
  828.  
  829. 186
  830. 00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:48,170
  831. "I would take that money
  832. so me and my girlfriend, Steph..."
  833.  
  834. 187
  835. 00:09:50,715 --> 00:09:52,675
  836. It's always Steph.
  837.  
  838. 188
  839. 00:09:53,342 --> 00:09:55,422
  840. There's no tough lesbians
  841. out there like, "Hey there.
  842.  
  843. 189
  844. 00:09:55,886 --> 00:09:58,014
  845. Stephanie."
  846.  
  847. 190
  848. 00:09:59,473 --> 00:10:01,726
  849. "Me and my girlfriend,
  850. Steph, take that money,
  851.  
  852. 191
  853. 00:10:01,809 --> 00:10:04,770
  854. move upstate, open up our own bakery
  855. and bake everything from snatch."
  856.  
  857. 192
  858. 00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:06,314
  859. And then...
  860.  
  861. 193
  862. 00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:08,649
  863. Okay. Okay.
  864.  
  865. 194
  866. 00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:12,028
  867. There you are. There you are.
  868.  
  869. 195
  870. 00:10:15,072 --> 00:10:18,075
  871. Not such a proper Southern crowd, are we?
  872.  
  873. 196
  874. 00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:22,997
  875. I always like to see where my audience
  876. has like gerrymandered its ethics
  877.  
  878. 197
  879. 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:25,249
  880. for the evening's performance.
  881.  
  882. 198
  883. 00:10:26,751 --> 00:10:29,712
  884. Most of you laugh, there's always
  885. a couple people in the back, like...
  886.  
  887. 199
  888. 00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:31,964
  889. "She said snatch
  890. so close to Sunday.
  891.  
  892. 200
  893. 00:10:33,841 --> 00:10:34,841
  894. No.
  895.  
  896. 201
  897. 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:36,468
  898. No, ma'am.
  899.  
  900. 202
  901. 00:10:43,392 --> 00:10:44,727
  902. I am uncomfortable.
  903.  
  904. 203
  905. 00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:47,104
  906. It's unholy.
  907.  
  908. 204
  909. 00:10:47,229 --> 00:10:51,233
  910. We got four churches on every corner,
  911. but I feel uncomfortable."
  912.  
  913. 205
  914. 00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:02,370
  915. "Female comic makes commentary
  916. on social topography of neighborhood,
  917.  
  918. 206
  919. 00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:04,955
  920. "can't tell what audience
  921. is cheering for." Okay...
  922.  
  923. 207
  924. 00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:08,084
  925. So we went on our honeymoon
  926.  
  927. 208
  928. 00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:10,836
  929. and my husband really wanted
  930. to go to Italy.
  931.  
  932. 209
  933. 00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:13,089
  934. Really wanted to go. I didn't want to go.
  935.  
  936. 210
  937. 00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:19,194
  938. I didn't want to go 'cause I'd been.
  939. I wanted to go other places,
  940.  
  941. 211
  942. 00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:22,306
  943. but he wanted to go because he's a chef
  944. and Italy is like a food mecca,
  945.  
  946. 212
  947. 00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:23,808
  948. so he wanted to make his hajj.
  949.  
  950. 213
  951. 00:11:23,891 --> 00:11:26,852
  952. So he wanted to go to Italy
  953. and I said yes, not because I love him
  954.  
  955. 214
  956. 00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:29,605
  957. but because you can find alcohol
  958. pretty much anywhere.
  959.  
  960. 215
  961. 00:11:31,732 --> 00:11:33,693
  962. So we go and he nerded out.
  963.  
  964. 216
  965. 00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:37,405
  966. He made a map,
  967. a real eat-seeking map of the whole...
  968.  
  969. 217
  970. 00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:38,823
  971. ...country.
  972.  
  973. 218
  974. 00:11:38,906 --> 00:11:43,160
  975. And we didn't do the tourist stuff.
  976. We went to like the foodie, cheffy places.
  977.  
  978. 219
  979. 00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:46,455
  980. We went to the region where they grow
  981. the grapes that the goats eat.
  982.  
  983. 220
  984. 00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:48,059
  985. The special goats and they take a dump
  986.  
  987. 221
  988. 00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:49,709
  989. and it makes the fertilizer
  990.  
  991. 222
  992. 00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:52,336
  993. that makes the mushrooms.
  994. If you eat them, you get detained.
  995.  
  996. 223
  997. 00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:55,089
  998. Like we did a whole thing.
  999.  
  1000. 224
  1001. 00:11:57,508 --> 00:11:58,759
  1002. And on, like, day five,
  1003.  
  1004. 225
  1005. 00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:01,220
  1006. I was like, "I can't...
  1007. I can't do this anymore.
  1008.  
  1009. 226
  1010. 00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:03,180
  1011. I can't eat any more.
  1012.  
  1013. 227
  1014. 00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:04,640
  1015. I want to pick something.
  1016.  
  1017. 228
  1018. 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:07,351
  1019. I cannot be carted around anymore
  1020. like a prize pig.
  1021.  
  1022. 229
  1023. 00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:08,675
  1024. I want to pick...
  1025.  
  1026. 230
  1027. 00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:11,522
  1028. I want to participate in this.
  1029. I want to pick the restaurant
  1030.  
  1031. 231
  1032. 00:12:11,605 --> 00:12:13,482
  1033. and I want to order in Italian."
  1034.  
  1035. 232
  1036. 00:12:13,941 --> 00:12:16,819
  1037. My husband goes, "You want to pick
  1038. the restaurant and order in Italian?"
  1039.  
  1040. 233
  1041. 00:12:16,902 --> 00:12:18,782
  1042. I was like, "Yeah,
  1043. I've seen <i>Lady and the Tramp,</i>
  1044.  
  1045. 234
  1046. 00:12:18,821 --> 00:12:21,021
  1047. like, I know what's going on."
  1048.  
  1049. 235
  1050. 00:12:24,201 --> 00:12:26,471
  1051. The picking of the restaurant
  1052. wasn't that important to me.
  1053.  
  1054. 236
  1055. 00:12:26,495 --> 00:12:30,249
  1056. It was speaking Italian in a restaurant
  1057. was important to me for one simple fact.
  1058.  
  1059. 237
  1060. 00:12:30,541 --> 00:12:32,668
  1061. I didn't like the idea that as an American
  1062.  
  1063. 238
  1064. 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:36,130
  1065. I would walk into some random part
  1066. of Italy into a random restaurant
  1067.  
  1068. 239
  1069. 00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:40,009
  1070. and have some random Italian waiter
  1071. think that I expected him,
  1072.  
  1073. 240
  1074. 00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:42,553
  1075. in his own country,
  1076. to speak English, okay?
  1077.  
  1078. 241
  1079. 00:12:42,636 --> 00:12:44,013
  1080. Yeah.
  1081.  
  1082. 242
  1083. 00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,579
  1084. Although he probably should,
  1085. like that or Spanish or Mandarin,
  1086.  
  1087. 243
  1088. 00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,646
  1089. like something along those... So...
  1090.  
  1091. 244
  1092. 00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:55,441
  1093. But I'm hyperaware
  1094. of how we're perceived when we travel.
  1095.  
  1096. 245
  1097. 00:12:55,524 --> 00:12:59,361
  1098. As an American and I am very,
  1099. very proud to be an American,
  1100.  
  1101. 246
  1102. 00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:01,197
  1103. I know that people are watching us.
  1104.  
  1105. 247
  1106. 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:02,960
  1107. Yeah, you can cheer for that. That's fine.
  1108.  
  1109. 248
  1110. 00:13:04,909 --> 00:13:05,910
  1111. They have questions.
  1112.  
  1113. 249
  1114. 00:13:05,993 --> 00:13:07,036
  1115. A lot of them hate us
  1116.  
  1117. 250
  1118. 00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:09,205
  1119. 'cause they ain't us and they want...
  1120.  
  1121. 251
  1122. 00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:12,625
  1123. ...a reason to discount you
  1124. and that goes for whoever you are,
  1125.  
  1126. 252
  1127. 00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:14,251
  1128. whatever you look like from anywhere.
  1129.  
  1130. 253
  1131. 00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:16,754
  1132. When you travel abroad and you fuck up,
  1133.  
  1134. 254
  1135. 00:13:16,837 --> 00:13:20,633
  1136. people will decide,
  1137. "Oh, all of your kind are like that."
  1138.  
  1139. 255
  1140. 00:13:21,008 --> 00:13:23,928
  1141. And I couldn't stomach that
  1142. 'cause I am so proud to be an American
  1143.  
  1144. 256
  1145. 00:13:24,011 --> 00:13:26,448
  1146. and I wanted him to think
  1147. all the great things about Americans
  1148.  
  1149. 257
  1150. 00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:27,992
  1151. that we already think about ourselves.
  1152.  
  1153. 258
  1154. 00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:29,177
  1155. So I wanted...
  1156.  
  1157. 259
  1158. 00:13:29,725 --> 00:13:33,646
  1159. ...to walk in and have him think
  1160. that we're educated and open-minded
  1161.  
  1162. 260
  1163. 00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:36,607
  1164. and kind and if I'm shitcanned
  1165. and embarrassing in public,
  1166.  
  1167. 261
  1168. 00:13:36,690 --> 00:13:39,193
  1169. I want people to know
  1170. I'm Canadian and I'm sorry.
  1171.  
  1172. 262
  1173. 00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:47,409
  1174. So I'm all set to speak Italian.
  1175.  
  1176. 263
  1177. 00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,453
  1178. I've got the, like, translator thing.
  1179.  
  1180. 264
  1181. 00:13:49,537 --> 00:13:50,621
  1182. I'm all ready to go,
  1183.  
  1184. 265
  1185. 00:13:50,704 --> 00:13:52,304
  1186. he hands me a menu
  1187. and it's a steakhouse.
  1188.  
  1189. 266
  1190. 00:13:52,373 --> 00:13:54,559
  1191. I'm like, "I'm gonna do this.
  1192. It'll be flawless Italian.
  1193.  
  1194. 267
  1195. 00:13:54,583 --> 00:13:56,583
  1196. It'll be so impressive.
  1197. Everyone will be impressed.
  1198.  
  1199. 268
  1200. 00:13:56,627 --> 00:13:58,671
  1201. They're gonna vote me mayor of Italy.
  1202. Open it up..."
  1203.  
  1204. 269
  1205. 00:13:58,754 --> 00:14:02,424
  1206. And I open the menu and all
  1207. of their steaks were listed...
  1208.  
  1209. 270
  1210. 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:03,884
  1211. ...in grams.
  1212.  
  1213. 271
  1214. 00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:15,729
  1215. There's a 500 gram steak.
  1216. What the fuck is a gram?
  1217.  
  1218. 272
  1219. 00:14:19,483 --> 00:14:21,068
  1220. I was so busy
  1221.  
  1222. 273
  1223. 00:14:21,318 --> 00:14:26,407
  1224. focusing on coming off looking amazing
  1225. and the conjugation and the pronunciation,
  1226.  
  1227. 274
  1228. 00:14:26,490 --> 00:14:28,117
  1229. I forgot the rest of the world
  1230.  
  1231. 275
  1232. 00:14:28,242 --> 00:14:30,703
  1233. uses metric to measure.
  1234.  
  1235. 276
  1236. 00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:33,539
  1237. The rest of the world uses fucking logic.
  1238.  
  1239. 277
  1240. 00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:38,043
  1241. Tens, one hundreds. Yes!
  1242.  
  1243. 278
  1244. 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,592
  1245. We here in the United States,
  1246.  
  1247. 279
  1248. 00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:47,678
  1249. - we like to measure based...
  1250. - ...on a dream.
  1251.  
  1252. 280
  1253. 00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:52,808
  1254. And I'm staring at this 500 gram steak
  1255.  
  1256. 281
  1257. 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:55,328
  1258. and the waiter's looking at me,
  1259. my new husband's looking at me
  1260.  
  1261. 282
  1262. 00:14:55,352 --> 00:14:57,605
  1263. and I'm trying to do
  1264. the conversion math in my head
  1265.  
  1266. 283
  1267. 00:14:57,688 --> 00:14:59,857
  1268. where my only frame of reference was like,
  1269.  
  1270. 284
  1271. 00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:02,443
  1272. "Okay. Well, a gram of cocaine
  1273. is like that much."
  1274.  
  1275. 285
  1276. 00:15:25,549 --> 00:15:28,510
  1277. Okay, you know what? We're just gonna do
  1278. an eight ball of steak.
  1279.  
  1280. 286
  1281. 00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:31,221
  1282. For the table.
  1283.  
  1284. 287
  1285. 00:15:31,972 --> 00:15:33,766
  1286. Yeah.
  1287.  
  1288. 288
  1289. 00:15:33,849 --> 00:15:34,850
  1290. Thank you.
  1291.  
  1292. 289
  1293. 00:15:37,561 --> 00:15:39,271
  1294. <i>Grazie mille.</i>
  1295.  
  1296. 290
  1297. 00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:43,692
  1298. I love it, Nashville turned up
  1299. for that cocaine joke.
  1300.  
  1301. 291
  1302. 00:15:44,902 --> 00:15:47,237
  1303. Oh, yeah. I heard a lot of guys laughing.
  1304.  
  1305. 292
  1306. 00:15:47,321 --> 00:15:49,365
  1307. "Don't let the Vineyard Vines fool you,
  1308.  
  1309. 293
  1310. 00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:50,741
  1311. I fucking love rails!
  1312.  
  1313. 294
  1314. 00:15:54,328 --> 00:15:56,747
  1315. I may have little whales
  1316. embroidered on my shorts
  1317.  
  1318. 295
  1319. 00:15:56,830 --> 00:15:59,041
  1320. but I like to fuck and party.
  1321.  
  1322. 296
  1323. 00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:02,336
  1324. Yeah. You can seersucker my dick."
  1325.  
  1326. 297
  1327. 00:16:02,544 --> 00:16:05,047
  1328. Love the South.
  1329.  
  1330. 298
  1331. 00:16:09,009 --> 00:16:10,369
  1332. So I got married about a year ago.
  1333.  
  1334. 299
  1335. 00:16:10,427 --> 00:16:13,347
  1336. I've had about a year to think on it,
  1337. ruminate on it, marinate on it,
  1338.  
  1339. 300
  1340. 00:16:13,430 --> 00:16:16,600
  1341. and I think what's fascinating
  1342. about getting married is
  1343.  
  1344. 301
  1345. 00:16:16,684 --> 00:16:19,645
  1346. it's one of the few acts
  1347. you can go through in this lifetime
  1348.  
  1349. 302
  1350. 00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:23,899
  1351. where once you do it once
  1352. you come out the other end an expert.
  1353.  
  1354. 303
  1355. 00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:27,194
  1356. Totally omniscient, you know everything.
  1357.  
  1358. 304
  1359. 00:16:27,277 --> 00:16:29,780
  1360. You do it once,
  1361. you come out the other end,
  1362.  
  1363. 305
  1364. 00:16:29,863 --> 00:16:31,865
  1365. you know everything about weddings,
  1366. every detail.
  1367.  
  1368. 306
  1369. 00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:34,660
  1370. The problem is nobody wants
  1371. your shitty wedding advice.
  1372.  
  1373. 307
  1374. 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:36,996
  1375. Like no one.
  1376.  
  1377. 308
  1378. 00:16:37,079 --> 00:16:40,541
  1379. Other women will ask you advice
  1380. as a way of ingratiating themselves
  1381.  
  1382. 309
  1383. 00:16:40,624 --> 00:16:42,084
  1384. or perhaps bonding with you.
  1385.  
  1386. 310
  1387. 00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:43,287
  1388. We as women are often taught
  1389.  
  1390. 311
  1391. 00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:45,055
  1392. if we act like we don't know
  1393. what's going on
  1394.  
  1395. 312
  1396. 00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:47,368
  1397. and we need help
  1398. other people will find us more palatable.
  1399.  
  1400. 313
  1401. 00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:50,023
  1402. - So you say to other women, like...
  1403. - "You got married?
  1404.  
  1405. 314
  1406. 00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:52,052
  1407. I'm getting married.
  1408. I don't know what's going on.
  1409.  
  1410. 315
  1411. 00:16:52,094 --> 00:16:54,930
  1412. What color is white?
  1413. Is my foot in a bear trap? Help me!"
  1414.  
  1415. 316
  1416. 00:16:57,516 --> 00:16:59,685
  1417. And the other woman
  1418. thinking she's helping you
  1419.  
  1420. 317
  1421. 00:16:59,768 --> 00:17:00,808
  1422. and doing something right,
  1423.  
  1424. 318
  1425. 00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:02,896
  1426. she's like, "Oh, okay.
  1427. You want advice, great.
  1428.  
  1429. 319
  1430. 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:05,691
  1431. Okay, so for my wedding,
  1432. what I found helpful..."
  1433.  
  1434. 320
  1435. 00:17:05,774 --> 00:17:08,652
  1436. But the whole time she's talking,
  1437. all you're sitting there thinking is,
  1438.  
  1439. 321
  1440. 00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:11,256
  1441. "Oh, my God, that is a tacky-ass wedding,
  1442. you're a dumb hooker."
  1443.  
  1444. 322
  1445. 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:12,760
  1446. The whole time.
  1447.  
  1448. 323
  1449. 00:17:12,823 --> 00:17:14,533
  1450. Yeah.
  1451.  
  1452. 324
  1453. 00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:18,829
  1454. Because every girl thinks
  1455. every other girl kind of fucked it up
  1456.  
  1457. 325
  1458. 00:17:18,912 --> 00:17:20,664
  1459. and you'll do better.
  1460.  
  1461. 326
  1462. 00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:23,042
  1463. You won't, and on that note,
  1464.  
  1465. 327
  1466. 00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:27,212
  1467. I've come humbly offering
  1468. some wedding advice to you, Nashville.
  1469.  
  1470. 328
  1471. 00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:33,594
  1472. One thing you must know,
  1473.  
  1474. 329
  1475. 00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:37,056
  1476. the wedding industry is not designed
  1477. to bring two loving souls together
  1478.  
  1479. 330
  1480. 00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:38,724
  1481. under the State and/or God,
  1482.  
  1483. 331
  1484. 00:17:38,807 --> 00:17:41,018
  1485. it is designed to extract
  1486. your money from your wallet,
  1487.  
  1488. 332
  1489. 00:17:41,101 --> 00:17:44,605
  1490. pit you against other women
  1491. and make you feel like garbage fire.
  1492.  
  1493. 333
  1494. 00:17:44,688 --> 00:17:47,316
  1495. That's what it's there for. Okay?
  1496.  
  1497. 334
  1498. 00:17:48,817 --> 00:17:52,946
  1499. There's a litany of requirements,
  1500. social, cultural, traditional.
  1501.  
  1502. 335
  1503. 00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:56,283
  1504. All these things, everything's got
  1505. a price tag, everything takes up time
  1506.  
  1507. 336
  1508. 00:17:56,366 --> 00:17:58,595
  1509. and I'll tell you what,
  1510. I paid for my wedding personally.
  1511.  
  1512. 337
  1513. 00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:00,537
  1514. So you can best believe
  1515. I took a red Sharpie
  1516.  
  1517. 338
  1518. 00:18:00,621 --> 00:18:02,039
  1519. and went down that list of bullshit
  1520.  
  1521. 339
  1522. 00:18:02,122 --> 00:18:04,002
  1523. and if it didn't involve me
  1524. taking off my shoes,
  1525.  
  1526. 340
  1527. 00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:05,841
  1528. drinking tequila
  1529. or listening to Garth Brooks,
  1530.  
  1531. 341
  1532. 00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:07,211
  1533. we did not fucking do it.
  1534.  
  1535. 342
  1536. 00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:10,589
  1537. Yes.
  1538.  
  1539. 343
  1540. 00:18:18,847 --> 00:18:19,890
  1541. That's right, Nashville.
  1542.  
  1543. 344
  1544. 00:18:20,224 --> 00:18:22,476
  1545. The theme of my wedding was feminism.
  1546.  
  1547. 345
  1548. 00:18:22,559 --> 00:18:24,311
  1549. No one had a good time.
  1550.  
  1551. 346
  1552. 00:18:27,147 --> 00:18:29,525
  1553. But there's all these things,
  1554. all these requirements,
  1555.  
  1556. 347
  1557. 00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:31,008
  1558. all these traditions, these things,
  1559.  
  1560. 348
  1561. 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:34,363
  1562. and I took a comedian's
  1563. microscopic lens to each thing
  1564.  
  1565. 349
  1566. 00:18:34,446 --> 00:18:36,326
  1567. and was like,
  1568. "Is it weird? We're not doing it."
  1569.  
  1570. 350
  1571. 00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:38,534
  1572. So the first thing I refused to do,
  1573.  
  1574. 351
  1575. 00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:41,537
  1576. I would not wear a garter, okay?
  1577.  
  1578. 352
  1579. 00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:44,748
  1580. Okay. Okay.
  1581.  
  1582. 353
  1583. 00:18:46,416 --> 00:18:47,751
  1584. Some of you cheered,
  1585.  
  1586. 354
  1587. 00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:50,796
  1588. some of you were like,
  1589. "I'm still wearing mine. What's up?
  1590.  
  1591. 355
  1592. 00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:53,399
  1593. What the fuck is up, Hollywood?"
  1594.  
  1595. 356
  1596. 00:18:55,425 --> 00:18:57,219
  1597. I'm glad that not everyone
  1598. cheered for that
  1599.  
  1600. 357
  1601. 00:18:57,302 --> 00:18:59,429
  1602. because it sets up
  1603. my next point perfectly.
  1604.  
  1605. 358
  1606. 00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:00,347
  1607. Okay?
  1608.  
  1609. 359
  1610. 00:19:00,430 --> 00:19:02,150
  1611. It's important to me
  1612. that me and my audience
  1613.  
  1614. 360
  1615. 00:19:02,182 --> 00:19:04,768
  1616. be on the same mental page
  1617. for the rest of the set.
  1618.  
  1619. 361
  1620. 00:19:04,852 --> 00:19:07,062
  1621. Okay, right now in 2019,
  1622.  
  1623. 362
  1624. 00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,731
  1625. more than it was
  1626. five minutes ago, right now,
  1627.  
  1628. 363
  1629. 00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:13,193
  1630. it's the best time it's ever been
  1631. to be a woman in most states.
  1632.  
  1633. 364
  1634. 00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:14,653
  1635. It's the best time.
  1636.  
  1637. 365
  1638. 00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:16,071
  1639. I said it, I meant it.
  1640.  
  1641. 366
  1642. 00:19:16,238 --> 00:19:18,407
  1643. The best time. Okay?
  1644.  
  1645. 367
  1646. 00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:22,161
  1647. But overall,
  1648.  
  1649. 368
  1650. 00:19:22,619 --> 00:19:26,123
  1651. we are the most heard, the loudest
  1652. in our message, the most unified.
  1653.  
  1654. 369
  1655. 00:19:26,206 --> 00:19:30,085
  1656. However, with this newfound sense
  1657. of feminism, I have noticed
  1658.  
  1659. 370
  1660. 00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:34,548
  1661. that there's this weird splinter-faction
  1662. of feminists, of women who get angry
  1663.  
  1664. 371
  1665. 00:19:34,631 --> 00:19:38,468
  1666. at other women when they deign
  1667. to disagree with an opinion
  1668.  
  1669. 372
  1670. 00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:40,352
  1671. and then it's not enough
  1672. to agree to disagree.
  1673.  
  1674. 373
  1675. 00:19:40,387 --> 00:19:41,597
  1676. They want you fucking dead.
  1677.  
  1678. 374
  1679. 00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,765
  1680. I am talking drawn and quartered
  1681.  
  1682. 375
  1683. 00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:45,559
  1684. in a Twitter town square.
  1685.  
  1686. 376
  1687. 00:19:47,895 --> 00:19:49,354
  1688. Because you hurt their feelings.
  1689.  
  1690. 377
  1691. 00:19:49,438 --> 00:19:50,898
  1692. So I get up here... As a joke.
  1693.  
  1694. 378
  1695. 00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:51,899
  1696. No harm intended.
  1697.  
  1698. 379
  1699. 00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:53,025
  1700. It's a funny time,
  1701.  
  1702. 380
  1703. 00:19:53,108 --> 00:19:55,748
  1704. and I get up here and I'm like,
  1705. "Don't wear a garter, it's trashy,"
  1706.  
  1707. 381
  1708. 00:19:55,777 --> 00:19:57,817
  1709. and I get that same blogger
  1710. in the back of the room,
  1711.  
  1712. 382
  1713. 00:19:57,863 --> 00:20:00,574
  1714. like, "Female comic shamed
  1715. my wedding-day choices
  1716.  
  1717. 383
  1718. 00:20:00,657 --> 00:20:03,285
  1719. and I don't have the social wherewithal
  1720. to confront her in person
  1721.  
  1722. 384
  1723. 00:20:03,368 --> 00:20:05,088
  1724. so I'm just going to hurl
  1725. these insult turds
  1726.  
  1727. 385
  1728. 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,456
  1729. from behind a faceless avatar."
  1730.  
  1731. 386
  1732. 00:20:08,707 --> 00:20:10,459
  1733. So...
  1734.  
  1735. 387
  1736. 00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:13,628
  1737. So,
  1738.  
  1739. 388
  1740. 00:20:13,962 --> 00:20:16,381
  1741. since we're all so hurt
  1742. and gutless all the time,
  1743.  
  1744. 389
  1745. 00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:18,634
  1746. I'm going to stick to my initial notion.
  1747.  
  1748. 390
  1749. 00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:20,719
  1750. You look like a saloon hooker.
  1751.  
  1752. 391
  1753. 00:20:22,137 --> 00:20:23,137
  1754. Okay?
  1755.  
  1756. 392
  1757. 00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:27,351
  1758. Go get married at a Six Flags.
  1759.  
  1760. 393
  1761. 00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:33,649
  1762. Girls, there's got to be a middle ground
  1763. where someone disagrees with you
  1764.  
  1765. 394
  1766. 00:20:33,732 --> 00:20:35,609
  1767. and you get the fuck over it.
  1768.  
  1769. 395
  1770. 00:20:35,692 --> 00:20:37,861
  1771. Okay? You don't have to hate her.
  1772.  
  1773. 396
  1774. 00:20:39,154 --> 00:20:40,656
  1775. Don't have to hold on to it.
  1776.  
  1777. 397
  1778. 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,495
  1779. One woman's affirmation
  1780. of her life choices
  1781.  
  1782. 398
  1783. 00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:48,288
  1784. is not the negation of your existence.
  1785.  
  1786. 399
  1787. 00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:50,374
  1788. Be better than that. Okay?
  1789.  
  1790. 400
  1791. 00:20:50,457 --> 00:20:51,457
  1792. Yeah.
  1793.  
  1794. 401
  1795. 00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:54,962
  1796. We can't walk around
  1797.  
  1798. 402
  1799. 00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:56,463
  1800. calling ourselves queens.
  1801.  
  1802. 403
  1803. 00:20:56,546 --> 00:20:59,299
  1804. "I'm a queen. She doesn't like my top!"
  1805.  
  1806. 404
  1807. 00:20:59,466 --> 00:21:01,468
  1808. Who cares? Move the fuck on.
  1809.  
  1810. 405
  1811. 00:21:01,551 --> 00:21:03,303
  1812. And you know who does this better? Men.
  1813.  
  1814. 406
  1815. 00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:05,555
  1816. They agree to disagree
  1817. all the time and they're fine.
  1818.  
  1819. 407
  1820. 00:21:05,847 --> 00:21:06,847
  1821. You see it all the time.
  1822.  
  1823. 408
  1824. 00:21:06,890 --> 00:21:09,977
  1825. Guy's like, "He's my best friend.
  1826. I don't like his politics and he's stupid.
  1827.  
  1828. 409
  1829. 00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:11,937
  1830. He's a son of a bitch, but...
  1831.  
  1832. 410
  1833. 00:21:13,063 --> 00:21:14,703
  1834. I love him. We didn't get along at first.
  1835.  
  1836. 411
  1837. 00:21:14,731 --> 00:21:16,483
  1838. We went out back.
  1839. We had a drink. We fought.
  1840.  
  1841. 412
  1842. 00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:18,527
  1843. We had a little bit of sex
  1844. and we were good to go.
  1845.  
  1846. 413
  1847. 00:21:18,610 --> 00:21:19,890
  1848. Good to go!"
  1849.  
  1850. 414
  1851. 00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:28,287
  1852. That's what we must do, girls.
  1853. Just move on.
  1854.  
  1855. 415
  1856. 00:21:28,537 --> 00:21:31,349
  1857. You want to wear a garter, wear it.
  1858. I'm not going to be at your wedding,
  1859.  
  1860. 416
  1861. 00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:32,373
  1862. you wear it with pride.
  1863.  
  1864. 417
  1865. 00:21:32,666 --> 00:21:34,084
  1866. I want to see...
  1867.  
  1868. 418
  1869. 00:21:35,168 --> 00:21:37,212
  1870. I want to see every one
  1871. of your wedding pictures,
  1872.  
  1873. 419
  1874. 00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:40,299
  1875. you, garter on, dress hiked up,
  1876. holding a shotgun, like...
  1877.  
  1878. 420
  1879. 00:21:46,096 --> 00:21:49,850
  1880. $5,000 reward, sepia tone. Like that's...
  1881.  
  1882. 421
  1883. 00:21:49,933 --> 00:21:51,184
  1884. Remember sepia tone?
  1885.  
  1886. 422
  1887. 00:21:52,728 --> 00:21:53,895
  1888. What's a garter?
  1889.  
  1890. 423
  1891. 00:21:53,979 --> 00:21:55,397
  1892. Some of you might be wondering.
  1893.  
  1894. 424
  1895. 00:21:57,024 --> 00:22:00,235
  1896. Perhaps you're from the future
  1897. where they've eradicated this practice.
  1898.  
  1899. 425
  1900. 00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:03,655
  1901. A garter is
  1902.  
  1903. 426
  1904. 00:22:04,072 --> 00:22:06,158
  1905. a Barbie doll scrunchie...
  1906.  
  1907. 427
  1908. 00:22:09,619 --> 00:22:12,247
  1909. ...forged of the finest polyester lace.
  1910.  
  1911. 428
  1912. 00:22:14,916 --> 00:22:16,460
  1913. Comes in one size.
  1914.  
  1915. 429
  1916. 00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:20,922
  1917. Shame.
  1918.  
  1919. 430
  1920. 00:22:23,633 --> 00:22:26,386
  1921. And you, on your wedding day,
  1922.  
  1923. 431
  1924. 00:22:26,928 --> 00:22:29,222
  1925. among the one million things
  1926. you're in charge of, girls,
  1927.  
  1928. 432
  1929. 00:22:29,306 --> 00:22:32,976
  1930. are also tasked with taking
  1931. this fucking NuvaRing...
  1932.  
  1933. 433
  1934. 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:40,192
  1935. ...and hoisting it up your leg.
  1936.  
  1937. 434
  1938. 00:22:40,275 --> 00:22:42,611
  1939. God forbid on the wedding day
  1940.  
  1941. 435
  1942. 00:22:42,694 --> 00:22:45,447
  1943. we give women a break
  1944. with the body-image issues.
  1945.  
  1946. 436
  1947. 00:22:46,573 --> 00:22:49,117
  1948. And be like,
  1949. "Oh, what? That goose-choker?
  1950.  
  1951. 437
  1952. 00:22:51,328 --> 00:22:54,623
  1953. That lap-band for a chinchilla?
  1954. Yeah, you could just...
  1955.  
  1956. 438
  1957. 00:22:56,917 --> 00:22:59,836
  1958. You can just wear that
  1959. at the ankle, that's fine.
  1960.  
  1961. 439
  1962. 00:23:00,545 --> 00:23:02,506
  1963. You can just wear that
  1964. where everything tapers."
  1965.  
  1966. 440
  1967. 00:23:02,589 --> 00:23:05,717
  1968. "No! You got to get it up.
  1969. Get it up here."
  1970.  
  1971. 441
  1972. 00:23:05,926 --> 00:23:08,053
  1973. To this thick-ass traffic jam.
  1974.  
  1975. 442
  1976. 00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:20,357
  1977. Of just ice-cold fat and skin and dinner,
  1978.  
  1979. 443
  1980. 00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:21,900
  1981. just thick.
  1982.  
  1983. 444
  1984. 00:23:22,317 --> 00:23:25,237
  1985. I live in L.A. They're like, "You can
  1986. freeze it off if you don't like it."
  1987.  
  1988. 445
  1989. 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:26,960
  1990. I'm like,
  1991. "I've done North Dakota winters.
  1992.  
  1993. 446
  1994. 00:23:27,030 --> 00:23:29,199
  1995. It did not go anywhere."
  1996.  
  1997. 447
  1998. 00:23:31,451 --> 00:23:35,163
  1999. "Female comic shames her own thigh
  2000. and in doing so makes millions of women
  2001.  
  2002. 448
  2003. 00:23:35,288 --> 00:23:36,665
  2004. question their own thighs.
  2005.  
  2006. 449
  2007. 00:23:36,748 --> 00:23:38,166
  2008. Why can't you love your thighs?"
  2009.  
  2010. 450
  2011. 00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:41,086
  2012. Because I am a white woman, okay?
  2013.  
  2014. 451
  2015. 00:23:41,169 --> 00:23:42,796
  2016. We don't know.
  2017.  
  2018. 452
  2019. 00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:44,625
  2020. We haven't figured that out.
  2021.  
  2022. 453
  2023. 00:23:44,673 --> 00:23:48,677
  2024. Women of color for a couple years now
  2025. have been like, "This is a thigh."
  2026.  
  2027. 454
  2028. 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,114
  2029. And society's been like,
  2030. "That is a thigh. We celebrate it."
  2031.  
  2032. 455
  2033. 00:23:51,138 --> 00:23:52,764
  2034. White women somehow,
  2035.  
  2036. 456
  2037. 00:23:52,848 --> 00:23:55,016
  2038. we're still like,
  2039. "Uh-uh, I'm gonna shave it down.
  2040.  
  2041. 457
  2042. 00:23:55,100 --> 00:23:56,620
  2043. I'm gonna make it small.
  2044.  
  2045. 458
  2046. 00:24:02,065 --> 00:24:03,191
  2047. Be small.
  2048.  
  2049. 459
  2050. 00:24:04,443 --> 00:24:06,570
  2051. I'm gonna fuse my rib cage to my shin.
  2052.  
  2053. 460
  2054. 00:24:06,653 --> 00:24:08,373
  2055. Be cage and shin. Snip, snip.
  2056.  
  2057. 461
  2058. 00:24:08,738 --> 00:24:09,781
  2059. You won't even see it.
  2060.  
  2061. 462
  2062. 00:24:09,865 --> 00:24:12,492
  2063. I'm the crab woman.
  2064. You won't even know it.
  2065.  
  2066. 463
  2067. 00:24:13,869 --> 00:24:15,579
  2068. No thighs, can't see them. Can't be big.
  2069.  
  2070. 464
  2071. 00:24:15,662 --> 00:24:18,182
  2072. No thighs. If I walk,
  2073. I'm gonna put my thighs in the background,
  2074.  
  2075. 465
  2076. 00:24:18,206 --> 00:24:20,959
  2077. put my tits in the foreground
  2078. and walk around like this.
  2079.  
  2080. 466
  2081. 00:24:29,509 --> 00:24:30,427
  2082. From here to here,
  2083.  
  2084. 467
  2085. 00:24:30,510 --> 00:24:33,597
  2086. I am a woman, but from here to here
  2087. I want to be a ten-year-old Japanese boy.
  2088.  
  2089. 468
  2090. 00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:34,556
  2091. Thin!"
  2092.  
  2093. 469
  2094. 00:24:50,322 --> 00:24:51,573
  2095. And it never looks nice.
  2096.  
  2097. 470
  2098. 00:24:51,656 --> 00:24:53,867
  2099. Your leg has to be the length
  2100. of your body...
  2101.  
  2102. 471
  2103. 00:24:53,950 --> 00:24:55,619
  2104. ...for it to look nice.
  2105.  
  2106. 472
  2107. 00:24:55,744 --> 00:24:57,537
  2108. You look down,
  2109. you finally get it up there,
  2110.  
  2111. 473
  2112. 00:24:57,621 --> 00:25:00,957
  2113. you're like, "It looks like I put
  2114. a mini tennis skirt on a Christmas ham.
  2115.  
  2116. 474
  2117. 00:25:06,630 --> 00:25:07,631
  2118. It hurts."
  2119.  
  2120. 475
  2121. 00:25:08,882 --> 00:25:09,882
  2122. And it's tight.
  2123.  
  2124. 476
  2125. 00:25:10,217 --> 00:25:11,343
  2126. Of course, it's tight.
  2127.  
  2128. 477
  2129. 00:25:11,551 --> 00:25:14,304
  2130. It's a garter.
  2131. It's meant to hold up clothing.
  2132.  
  2133. 478
  2134. 00:25:14,638 --> 00:25:17,599
  2135. And right now all it's holding up
  2136. is that blood flow.
  2137.  
  2138. 479
  2139. 00:25:19,559 --> 00:25:21,199
  2140. Blood, like, trying to get to the artery.
  2141.  
  2142. 480
  2143. 00:25:21,228 --> 00:25:23,228
  2144. You're like...
  2145.  
  2146. 481
  2147. 00:25:23,355 --> 00:25:24,397
  2148. Your skin is just...
  2149.  
  2150. 482
  2151. 00:25:26,858 --> 00:25:28,860
  2152. ...MoonPieing out on either side.
  2153.  
  2154. 483
  2155. 00:25:31,446 --> 00:25:33,865
  2156. You're staring down at your corpulent leg
  2157.  
  2158. 484
  2159. 00:25:33,949 --> 00:25:35,659
  2160. as it pulsates.
  2161.  
  2162. 485
  2163. 00:25:36,117 --> 00:25:37,953
  2164. With stagnant blood.
  2165.  
  2166. 486
  2167. 00:25:38,453 --> 00:25:39,853
  2168. It's turning a light shade of blue.
  2169.  
  2170. 487
  2171. 00:25:39,913 --> 00:25:42,249
  2172. You're like,
  2173. "I'm the night queen. I don't know.
  2174.  
  2175. 488
  2176. 00:25:42,332 --> 00:25:44,042
  2177. What is this?"
  2178.  
  2179. 489
  2180. 00:25:45,043 --> 00:25:48,171
  2181. You don't have time to ponder
  2182. the deadening of your leg.
  2183.  
  2184. 490
  2185. 00:25:48,505 --> 00:25:50,425
  2186. You don't have time.
  2187. You got to get yourself over
  2188.  
  2189. 491
  2190. 00:25:50,507 --> 00:25:52,267
  2191. to the dance floor, sweet tits.
  2192. That's right.
  2193.  
  2194. 492
  2195. 00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:54,678
  2196. You gotta get yourself
  2197. over to the dance floor
  2198.  
  2199. 493
  2200. 00:25:54,761 --> 00:25:58,598
  2201. where you and your new husband
  2202. are going to perform a weird,
  2203.  
  2204. 494
  2205. 00:25:58,682 --> 00:26:02,727
  2206. sexual garter-removal dance...
  2207.  
  2208. 495
  2209. 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,814
  2210. ...in front of your family!
  2211.  
  2212. 496
  2213. 00:26:11,319 --> 00:26:13,572
  2214. Your mother is there!
  2215.  
  2216. 497
  2217. 00:26:13,863 --> 00:26:16,866
  2218. You're sitting there spread-eagle,
  2219. she's like, "I'll get it on tape,
  2220.  
  2221. 498
  2222. 00:26:16,992 --> 00:26:19,786
  2223. I'll be there for the conception.
  2224. This is excellent."
  2225.  
  2226. 499
  2227. 00:26:19,869 --> 00:26:22,205
  2228. Your father is there
  2229. and he loves you, girls,
  2230.  
  2231. 500
  2232. 00:26:22,289 --> 00:26:25,169
  2233. - but he is tapped out. He's like...
  2234. - "Yeah, fuck her, I don't know.
  2235.  
  2236. 501
  2237. 00:26:32,465 --> 00:26:34,551
  2238. He's a good guy and this is good shrimp.
  2239.  
  2240. 502
  2241. 00:26:36,344 --> 00:26:38,638
  2242. It's good shrimp.
  2243. It's a cash bar, but they're trying."
  2244.  
  2245. 503
  2246. 00:26:42,350 --> 00:26:44,311
  2247. So you got to get over there
  2248. for that dance.
  2249.  
  2250. 504
  2251. 00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:45,604
  2252. So you go to the dance floor,
  2253.  
  2254. 505
  2255. 00:26:45,687 --> 00:26:49,190
  2256. you drag your now purple...
  2257.  
  2258. 506
  2259. 00:26:49,357 --> 00:26:50,442
  2260. ...stump
  2261.  
  2262. 507
  2263. 00:26:52,402 --> 00:26:54,112
  2264. over to...
  2265.  
  2266. 508
  2267. 00:26:54,821 --> 00:26:56,781
  2268. ...a single chair.
  2269.  
  2270. 509
  2271. 00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:59,492
  2272. A single chair
  2273.  
  2274. 510
  2275. 00:27:00,619 --> 00:27:04,247
  2276. that has been ominously placed
  2277. in the center of the dance floor.
  2278.  
  2279. 511
  2280. 00:27:05,749 --> 00:27:08,168
  2281. You are meant to sit in this chair...
  2282.  
  2283. 512
  2284. 00:27:09,753 --> 00:27:10,879
  2285. ...my child.
  2286.  
  2287. 513
  2288. 00:27:12,714 --> 00:27:14,883
  2289. Sit down.
  2290.  
  2291. 514
  2292. 00:27:16,509 --> 00:27:19,679
  2293. And you're like, "Sit, okay. I wasn't
  2294. planning on enjoying myself, but okay."
  2295.  
  2296. 515
  2297. 00:27:21,306 --> 00:27:24,351
  2298. Sit in the chair? Well,
  2299. that's easier said than done, isn't it?
  2300.  
  2301. 516
  2302. 00:27:24,434 --> 00:27:26,978
  2303. 'Cause you're a bride like me
  2304. or a bride that chose a dress
  2305.  
  2306. 517
  2307. 00:27:27,062 --> 00:27:28,980
  2308. that was form over function.
  2309.  
  2310. 518
  2311. 00:27:29,105 --> 00:27:30,982
  2312. Your dress is tight.
  2313.  
  2314. 519
  2315. 00:27:31,066 --> 00:27:33,109
  2316. You're a bride like me
  2317. that perhaps chose a dress
  2318.  
  2319. 520
  2320. 00:27:33,193 --> 00:27:35,945
  2321. that was a size,
  2322. maybe half a size too small, right?
  2323.  
  2324. 521
  2325. 00:27:36,279 --> 00:27:38,439
  2326. 'Cause you told yourself
  2327. you were gonna lose the weight
  2328.  
  2329. 522
  2330. 00:27:38,490 --> 00:27:40,690
  2331. for the wedding,
  2332. but you didn't lose the weight, did ya?
  2333.  
  2334. 523
  2335. 00:27:40,784 --> 00:27:42,160
  2336. No.
  2337.  
  2338. 524
  2339. 00:27:42,243 --> 00:27:44,829
  2340. No, in fact,
  2341. you gained two pounds just trying.
  2342.  
  2343. 525
  2344. 00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:46,073
  2345. Yeah.
  2346.  
  2347. 526
  2348. 00:27:46,956 --> 00:27:50,710
  2349. So that dress is tight and you are trying
  2350. to make yourself thin and compact
  2351.  
  2352. 527
  2353. 00:27:50,794 --> 00:27:52,003
  2354. in the moment, right?
  2355.  
  2356. 528
  2357. 00:27:52,087 --> 00:27:54,297
  2358. You got all your carry-on luggage up here.
  2359.  
  2360. 529
  2361. 00:27:56,508 --> 00:27:59,052
  2362. Trying to extend the torso,
  2363. tuck in the tailbone,
  2364.  
  2365. 530
  2366. 00:27:59,135 --> 00:28:01,554
  2367. protecting the spine, moving with breath.
  2368.  
  2369. 531
  2370. 00:28:01,638 --> 00:28:04,307
  2371. All the way down, slowly, slowly.
  2372.  
  2373. 532
  2374. 00:28:04,391 --> 00:28:05,767
  2375. You're like that goat in the cage
  2376.  
  2377. 533
  2378. 00:28:05,850 --> 00:28:07,977
  2379. in that first <i>Jurassic Park </i>like...
  2380.  
  2381. 534
  2382. 00:28:12,148 --> 00:28:14,776
  2383. How does she work that noise
  2384. into every special?
  2385.  
  2386. 535
  2387. 00:28:21,032 --> 00:28:24,994
  2388. Slowly lowering yourself down,
  2389. praying to God that you don't experience
  2390.  
  2391. 536
  2392. 00:28:25,078 --> 00:28:28,873
  2393. the one female-specific sartorial mishap
  2394. there's no coming back from.
  2395.  
  2396. 537
  2397. 00:28:29,165 --> 00:28:31,894
  2398. When you're a woman, there's a lot
  2399. that can go wrong. You snap a heel.
  2400.  
  2401. 538
  2402. 00:28:31,918 --> 00:28:33,718
  2403. You have an accident on your period.
  2404.  
  2405. 539
  2406. 00:28:33,753 --> 00:28:35,004
  2407. Your bra strap, whatever.
  2408.  
  2409. 540
  2410. 00:28:35,088 --> 00:28:39,008
  2411. But none is more embarrassing
  2412. than the horror
  2413.  
  2414. 541
  2415. 00:28:39,384 --> 00:28:43,680
  2416. of going to sit down
  2417. and having the back of your dress
  2418.  
  2419. 542
  2420. 00:28:43,763 --> 00:28:44,848
  2421. burst open.
  2422.  
  2423. 543
  2424. 00:28:49,352 --> 00:28:52,564
  2425. 'Cause it couldn't contain your lady meat.
  2426.  
  2427. 544
  2428. 00:28:57,527 --> 00:29:00,113
  2429. You won't like me when I'm married.
  2430.  
  2431. 545
  2432. 00:29:05,702 --> 00:29:07,495
  2433. I don't think the Hulk threw his shit,
  2434. but...
  2435.  
  2436. 546
  2437. 00:29:07,579 --> 00:29:09,998
  2438. ...this Hulk does.
  2439.  
  2440. 547
  2441. 00:29:11,124 --> 00:29:14,252
  2442. So you finally sit down, right?
  2443. You go down to the hem of your skirt,
  2444.  
  2445. 548
  2446. 00:29:14,335 --> 00:29:16,921
  2447. it's time to show off
  2448. that $2.45 investment, right?
  2449.  
  2450. 549
  2451. 00:29:17,005 --> 00:29:18,381
  2452. You gotta show off that garter.
  2453.  
  2454. 550
  2455. 00:29:18,465 --> 00:29:20,717
  2456. You go to lift up the hem
  2457. and that's when you realize
  2458.  
  2459. 551
  2460. 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:22,510
  2461. you only put on fake tanner to the knee.
  2462.  
  2463. 552
  2464. 00:29:25,847 --> 00:29:27,056
  2465. I'll be brave.
  2466.  
  2467. 553
  2468. 00:29:27,724 --> 00:29:29,768
  2469. Blinded... No!
  2470.  
  2471. 554
  2472. 00:29:30,977 --> 00:29:33,480
  2473. So you put your little white-orange
  2474. Dreamsicle leg out there.
  2475.  
  2476. 555
  2477. 00:29:34,981 --> 00:29:35,981
  2478. Right?
  2479.  
  2480. 556
  2481. 00:29:36,524 --> 00:29:37,942
  2482. And you sit there and you wait
  2483.  
  2484. 557
  2485. 00:29:38,026 --> 00:29:42,280
  2486. and I believe what is to come next
  2487. is ostensibly your first real test
  2488.  
  2489. 558
  2490. 00:29:42,363 --> 00:29:43,656
  2491. as a married couple.
  2492.  
  2493. 559
  2494. 00:29:43,948 --> 00:29:46,326
  2495. But, of course,
  2496. the onus is on the woman to pass this test
  2497.  
  2498. 560
  2499. 00:29:46,409 --> 00:29:51,831
  2500. because it's on you, girls, to sit there
  2501. and remain facially-excited...
  2502.  
  2503. 561
  2504. 00:29:53,124 --> 00:29:56,044
  2505. ...and turned on
  2506. at your new choice in mate,
  2507.  
  2508. 562
  2509. 00:29:56,127 --> 00:30:01,299
  2510. as your new husband emerges
  2511. from the smoke of the DJ lights.
  2512.  
  2513. 563
  2514. 00:30:14,020 --> 00:30:16,707
  2515. - And you're just sitting there like...
  2516. - "That's my baby.
  2517.  
  2518. 564
  2519. 00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:19,776
  2520. That's who I might have a family with."
  2521.  
  2522. 565
  2523. 00:30:19,859 --> 00:30:22,237
  2524. His tuxedo jacket is off,
  2525. so you as the bride
  2526.  
  2527. 566
  2528. 00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:25,240
  2529. are treated to this sweat map
  2530. of South America.
  2531.  
  2532. 567
  2533. 00:30:28,952 --> 00:30:30,912
  2534. And you have to sit there
  2535.  
  2536. 568
  2537. 00:30:30,995 --> 00:30:34,749
  2538. ladylike but also excited,
  2539. but also demure, but also horny.
  2540.  
  2541. 569
  2542. 00:30:34,874 --> 00:30:36,334
  2543. And sit there
  2544.  
  2545. 570
  2546. 00:30:36,626 --> 00:30:39,128
  2547. while your new husband
  2548. goes under your dress...
  2549.  
  2550. 571
  2551. 00:30:39,212 --> 00:30:42,257
  2552. This is the most expensive dress
  2553. you're probably ever going to wear.
  2554.  
  2555. 572
  2556. 00:30:42,340 --> 00:30:44,384
  2557. ...and he's rooting around under it.
  2558.  
  2559. 573
  2560. 00:30:46,344 --> 00:30:48,179
  2561. Like a ghost schnauzer.
  2562.  
  2563. 574
  2564. 00:30:50,849 --> 00:30:53,768
  2565. You're like, "That's my husband."
  2566.  
  2567. 575
  2568. 00:30:54,435 --> 00:30:56,938
  2569. He now must remove the garter
  2570.  
  2571. 576
  2572. 00:30:57,355 --> 00:31:01,609
  2573. but according to weird wedding tradition
  2574. he's not allowed to use his hands.
  2575.  
  2576. 577
  2577. 00:31:01,693 --> 00:31:03,486
  2578. - What must he use, Nashville?
  2579. - Teeth!
  2580.  
  2581. 578
  2582. 00:31:08,616 --> 00:31:12,495
  2583. So he gets under there,
  2584. slides his five-o'clock shadow...
  2585.  
  2586. 579
  2587. 00:31:15,957 --> 00:31:18,751
  2588. ...up your five-o'clock shadow.
  2589.  
  2590. 580
  2591. 00:31:26,509 --> 00:31:31,055
  2592. The viscous exchange of Drakkar Noir
  2593. with Bath & Body Works Plumeria.
  2594.  
  2595. 581
  2596. 00:31:34,100 --> 00:31:36,519
  2597. Gets up here around this side hustle.
  2598.  
  2599. 582
  2600. 00:31:38,897 --> 00:31:43,860
  2601. Clamps down on that garter
  2602. with, let's hope, wolf-like precision.
  2603.  
  2604. 583
  2605. 00:31:49,324 --> 00:31:52,118
  2606. Slides it down
  2607. your sweaty fucking ham hock...
  2608.  
  2609. 584
  2610. 00:31:56,122 --> 00:31:57,457
  2611. ...to the ground
  2612.  
  2613. 585
  2614. 00:31:58,625 --> 00:31:59,626
  2615. and then he eats it.
  2616.  
  2617. 586
  2618. 00:31:59,709 --> 00:32:01,309
  2619. I don't know what happens.
  2620.  
  2621. 587
  2622. 00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:03,254
  2623. I've never watched the full YouTube video.
  2624.  
  2625. 588
  2626. 00:32:03,338 --> 00:32:05,256
  2627. Okay.
  2628.  
  2629. 589
  2630. 00:32:08,259 --> 00:32:10,386
  2631. So, no garter.
  2632.  
  2633. 590
  2634. 00:32:12,305 --> 00:32:15,099
  2635. And I did not want to wear a veil
  2636.  
  2637. 591
  2638. 00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:16,893
  2639. over my face.
  2640.  
  2641. 592
  2642. 00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:18,560
  2643. It's okay.
  2644.  
  2645. 593
  2646. 00:32:19,020 --> 00:32:20,730
  2647. Piercing deafening silence.
  2648.  
  2649. 594
  2650. 00:32:22,774 --> 00:32:25,485
  2651. One sad "whoo" in the back, it's fine.
  2652.  
  2653. 595
  2654. 00:32:26,152 --> 00:32:28,154
  2655. One girl's like,
  2656. "Whoo, I'm still gonna do it."
  2657.  
  2658. 596
  2659. 00:32:33,910 --> 00:32:35,870
  2660. That's fine.
  2661. You'll get on board eventually.
  2662.  
  2663. 597
  2664. 00:32:38,247 --> 00:32:41,542
  2665. I don't like the idea that as a...
  2666.  
  2667. 598
  2668. 00:32:44,337 --> 00:32:45,463
  2669. What I want...
  2670.  
  2671. 599
  2672. 00:32:58,518 --> 00:33:01,688
  2673. I don't like the notion that because
  2674. I'm a woman and it's tradition,
  2675.  
  2676. 600
  2677. 00:33:01,771 --> 00:33:04,232
  2678. my vision of a current situation...
  2679.  
  2680. 601
  2681. 00:33:04,315 --> 00:33:05,875
  2682. ...let alone an important one...
  2683.  
  2684. 602
  2685. 00:33:07,527 --> 00:33:09,070
  2686. ...should ever be obfuscated
  2687.  
  2688. 603
  2689. 00:33:09,153 --> 00:33:11,572
  2690. in the name of tradition,
  2691. expectation or fashion.
  2692.  
  2693. 604
  2694. 00:33:11,656 --> 00:33:13,157
  2695. Okay, I can't see.
  2696.  
  2697. 605
  2698. 00:33:16,244 --> 00:33:17,453
  2699. This is an important day
  2700.  
  2701. 606
  2702. 00:33:17,537 --> 00:33:19,137
  2703. and I'm fucking over here
  2704. like John Cena.
  2705.  
  2706. 607
  2707. 00:33:19,163 --> 00:33:21,582
  2708. "You Can't See Me." What is this?
  2709.  
  2710. 608
  2711. 00:33:21,916 --> 00:33:24,252
  2712. Watching the whole thing through gauze?
  2713.  
  2714. 609
  2715. 00:33:24,419 --> 00:33:26,587
  2716. I planned...
  2717.  
  2718. 610
  2719. 00:33:26,713 --> 00:33:30,466
  2720. I planned this part of the wedding.
  2721. I planned the whole wedding, okay?
  2722.  
  2723. 611
  2724. 00:33:30,550 --> 00:33:33,470
  2725. If you're a girl, you had a lot to do
  2726. with it and you don't get to see it.
  2727.  
  2728. 612
  2729. 00:33:33,511 --> 00:33:34,929
  2730. Homeboy did nothing.
  2731.  
  2732. 613
  2733. 00:33:37,557 --> 00:33:40,435
  2734. And because he's a boy,
  2735. he gets an unencumbered 360-view
  2736.  
  2737. 614
  2738. 00:33:40,518 --> 00:33:41,728
  2739. of the entire service.
  2740.  
  2741. 615
  2742. 00:33:42,270 --> 00:33:44,981
  2743. I'm sitting here in a bridal hurt locker.
  2744.  
  2745. 616
  2746. 00:33:49,152 --> 00:33:50,486
  2747. The girl did everything.
  2748.  
  2749. 617
  2750. 00:33:50,570 --> 00:33:52,655
  2751. "Female comic assumes gender-roles."
  2752.  
  2753. 618
  2754. 00:33:52,739 --> 00:33:56,659
  2755. Fuck, yeah. Only women have a bandwidth
  2756. for this kind of bullshit.
  2757.  
  2758. 619
  2759. 00:33:57,702 --> 00:33:59,120
  2760. She did everything.
  2761.  
  2762. 620
  2763. 00:34:05,668 --> 00:34:08,355
  2764. You're the one that for the past year
  2765. has been clawing at your mother
  2766.  
  2767. 621
  2768. 00:34:08,379 --> 00:34:11,174
  2769. like, "It's buttercream,
  2770. not French vanilla, there's a difference!"
  2771.  
  2772. 622
  2773. 00:34:11,257 --> 00:34:12,967
  2774. You're the one doing it.
  2775.  
  2776. 623
  2777. 00:34:13,051 --> 00:34:15,803
  2778. Put the veil over the boy,
  2779. he doesn't care.
  2780.  
  2781. 624
  2782. 00:34:20,516 --> 00:34:21,392
  2783. He doesn't care.
  2784.  
  2785. 625
  2786. 00:34:21,476 --> 00:34:23,853
  2787. He doesn't care about the details.
  2788. He loves you.
  2789.  
  2790. 626
  2791. 00:34:23,936 --> 00:34:27,190
  2792. Okay, he bought the ring.
  2793. He asked you to spend his life with him.
  2794.  
  2795. 627
  2796. 00:34:27,273 --> 00:34:29,442
  2797. It's enough, put the veil over the cage
  2798.  
  2799. 628
  2800. 00:34:29,525 --> 00:34:30,777
  2801. like a blanket over a parrot.
  2802.  
  2803. 629
  2804. 00:34:30,860 --> 00:34:33,112
  2805. Night-night.
  2806.  
  2807. 630
  2808. 00:34:34,572 --> 00:34:35,865
  2809. Polly go night-night.
  2810.  
  2811. 631
  2812. 00:34:36,616 --> 00:34:38,701
  2813. And then when it comes
  2814. for the important part,
  2815.  
  2816. 632
  2817. 00:34:38,785 --> 00:34:40,912
  2818. like, "Do you take this woman?"
  2819. "Polly does."
  2820.  
  2821. 633
  2822. 00:34:40,995 --> 00:34:43,039
  2823. Put it back down. It's fine.
  2824.  
  2825. 634
  2826. 00:34:43,122 --> 00:34:45,124
  2827. He doesn't care.
  2828.  
  2829. 635
  2830. 00:34:48,044 --> 00:34:50,379
  2831. Put a game on in there like, "Bye-bye."
  2832.  
  2833. 636
  2834. 00:34:50,797 --> 00:34:53,007
  2835. He doesn't care.
  2836. No man cares. He loves you.
  2837.  
  2838. 637
  2839. 00:34:53,091 --> 00:34:55,372
  2840. He thinks you're beautiful,
  2841. wants to marry you. That's it.
  2842.  
  2843. 638
  2844. 00:34:55,426 --> 00:34:57,929
  2845. No man cares.
  2846. You're sitting there shrouded in mystery.
  2847.  
  2848. 639
  2849. 00:34:58,012 --> 00:34:59,847
  2850. No man's ever going
  2851. to be standing there like,
  2852.  
  2853. 640
  2854. 00:35:00,223 --> 00:35:02,826
  2855. "I know you can't see this,
  2856. but I'll tell you what. You were right,
  2857.  
  2858. 641
  2859. 00:35:02,850 --> 00:35:05,103
  2860. peonies were an excellent filler flower."
  2861.  
  2862. 642
  2863. 00:35:06,354 --> 00:35:08,874
  2864. - And you're sitting there like...
  2865. - "Describe it to me.
  2866.  
  2867. 643
  2868. 00:35:16,948 --> 00:35:19,659
  2869. I wish to know.
  2870.  
  2871. 644
  2872. 00:35:20,451 --> 00:35:23,162
  2873. Is my sister here? Does she look jealous?
  2874.  
  2875. 645
  2876. 00:35:28,918 --> 00:35:31,921
  2877. I'm just a humble beekeeper
  2878. but one day..."
  2879.  
  2880. 646
  2881. 00:35:38,177 --> 00:35:40,763
  2882. Moreover, I think it's creepy.
  2883.  
  2884. 647
  2885. 00:35:41,097 --> 00:35:44,392
  2886. I think there's something
  2887. a little eerie about a bride.
  2888.  
  2889. 648
  2890. 00:35:44,475 --> 00:35:49,355
  2891. If I describe to you a bride
  2892. independent of the context of a wedding...
  2893.  
  2894. 649
  2895. 00:36:10,585 --> 00:36:14,213
  2896. <i>♪ Be mine forever ♪</i>
  2897.  
  2898. 650
  2899. 00:36:23,931 --> 00:36:26,809
  2900. Till death do us part.
  2901.  
  2902. 651
  2903. 00:36:31,355 --> 00:36:35,943
  2904. The pace with which the bride walks
  2905. is unnerving, right?
  2906.  
  2907. 652
  2908. 00:36:45,745 --> 00:36:48,164
  2909. You don't tend to see this gait
  2910.  
  2911. 653
  2912. 00:36:49,707 --> 00:36:51,292
  2913. independent of a haunting.
  2914.  
  2915. 654
  2916. 00:36:56,047 --> 00:36:59,550
  2917. However, the bride moving slowly
  2918. is the least creepy of the options
  2919.  
  2920. 655
  2921. 00:36:59,634 --> 00:37:01,194
  2922. because let me ask you this, Nashville.
  2923.  
  2924. 656
  2925. 00:37:01,219 --> 00:37:02,803
  2926. What's creepier, okay?
  2927.  
  2928. 657
  2929. 00:37:02,887 --> 00:37:04,222
  2930. A veiled woman
  2931.  
  2932. 658
  2933. 00:37:05,765 --> 00:37:08,684
  2934. walking towards you at this pace?
  2935.  
  2936. 659
  2937. 00:37:11,020 --> 00:37:13,147
  2938. Or this running at you?
  2939.  
  2940. 660
  2941. 00:37:25,910 --> 00:37:27,110
  2942. "What happened to that bride?"
  2943.  
  2944. 661
  2945. 00:37:27,161 --> 00:37:29,163
  2946. "I don't know.
  2947. She jumped into that mirror."
  2948.  
  2949. 662
  2950. 00:37:34,418 --> 00:37:39,799
  2951. I don't want to cover my face. Two hours
  2952. in hair and makeup just to be like...
  2953.  
  2954. 663
  2955. 00:37:39,882 --> 00:37:41,722
  2956. "All right,
  2957. let's get you covered up.
  2958.  
  2959. 664
  2960. 00:37:44,220 --> 00:37:45,346
  2961. Cover that shit."
  2962.  
  2963. 665
  2964. 00:37:48,224 --> 00:37:49,809
  2965. I would have worn the veil over my face
  2966.  
  2967. 666
  2968. 00:37:49,892 --> 00:37:52,186
  2969. if it was, like,
  2970. really important to my mom.
  2971.  
  2972. 667
  2973. 00:37:52,395 --> 00:37:54,563
  2974. Like if that meant everything to her.
  2975.  
  2976. 668
  2977. 00:37:54,647 --> 00:37:56,983
  2978. I would have done it if she begged me.
  2979.  
  2980. 669
  2981. 00:37:57,066 --> 00:37:59,568
  2982. If she was like,
  2983. "I wore the... I covered my shit and...
  2984.  
  2985. 670
  2986. 00:38:00,569 --> 00:38:02,631
  2987. And your grandma covered her face
  2988. and your grandpa...
  2989.  
  2990. 671
  2991. 00:38:02,655 --> 00:38:03,735
  2992. We're a progressive family.
  2993.  
  2994. 672
  2995. 00:38:03,781 --> 00:38:05,658
  2996. ...he covered his face."
  2997.  
  2998. 673
  2999. 00:38:06,617 --> 00:38:10,579
  3000. I would have done it,
  3001. but I would have had a 'tude about it.
  3002.  
  3003. 674
  3004. 00:38:10,663 --> 00:38:12,915
  3005. I would've put the flap down...
  3006.  
  3007. 675
  3008. 00:38:15,376 --> 00:38:17,753
  3009. ...and be like, "You may kiss the bride."
  3010.  
  3011. 676
  3012. 00:38:18,170 --> 00:38:20,730
  3013. Then he'd lift it, I'd be like,
  3014. "You know it's me, motherfucker."
  3015.  
  3016. 677
  3017. 00:38:35,896 --> 00:38:36,896
  3018. Yeah.
  3019.  
  3020. 678
  3021. 00:38:37,023 --> 00:38:39,608
  3022. You know it's me, we Ubered here together.
  3023.  
  3024. 679
  3025. 00:38:41,152 --> 00:38:42,903
  3026. I watched you hit "Split Fare."
  3027.  
  3028. 680
  3029. 00:38:42,987 --> 00:38:44,739
  3030. You know it's me.
  3031.  
  3032. 681
  3033. 00:38:51,954 --> 00:38:54,081
  3034. Unpopular opinion,
  3035. actually popular opinion,
  3036.  
  3037. 682
  3038. 00:38:54,165 --> 00:38:56,876
  3039. just unpopular
  3040. publicly-declared sentiment,
  3041.  
  3042. 683
  3043. 00:38:56,959 --> 00:38:58,502
  3044. getting married is not that much fun.
  3045.  
  3046. 684
  3047. 00:38:59,086 --> 00:39:00,671
  3048. Yeah.
  3049.  
  3050. 685
  3051. 00:39:01,088 --> 00:39:02,328
  3052. You're not allowed to say that,
  3053.  
  3054. 686
  3055. 00:39:02,381 --> 00:39:04,967
  3056. especially if you're a woman,
  3057. God forbid, over 30.
  3058.  
  3059. 687
  3060. 00:39:05,051 --> 00:39:07,928
  3061. "Well, you're just lucky
  3062. that the Lord sent you someone...
  3063.  
  3064. 688
  3065. 00:39:09,347 --> 00:39:11,015
  3066. ...to put up with your shit.
  3067.  
  3068. 689
  3069. 00:39:12,350 --> 00:39:14,977
  3070. Kissing your dog on the mouth.
  3071. Stop taking videos."
  3072.  
  3073. 690
  3074. 00:39:20,107 --> 00:39:22,627
  3075. There is a world where you can admit
  3076. that something is difficult
  3077.  
  3078. 691
  3079. 00:39:22,651 --> 00:39:24,236
  3080. but also love the byproduct of it.
  3081.  
  3082. 692
  3083. 00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:27,698
  3084. I love my husband,
  3085. but the wedding part is exhausting.
  3086.  
  3087. 693
  3088. 00:39:27,823 --> 00:39:32,078
  3089. It is a physical and mental
  3090. and financial just gauntlet.
  3091.  
  3092. 694
  3093. 00:39:32,328 --> 00:39:34,747
  3094. Even down to the last minute,
  3095. the wedding itself.
  3096.  
  3097. 695
  3098. 00:39:34,830 --> 00:39:36,791
  3099. The whole year is exhausting planning it.
  3100.  
  3101. 696
  3102. 00:39:36,874 --> 00:39:39,460
  3103. - It's fun, you love your mom.
  3104. - But it's a whole thing.
  3105.  
  3106. 697
  3107. 00:39:39,835 --> 00:39:41,938
  3108. But even just the day of.
  3109. Let's talk about the day of.
  3110.  
  3111. 698
  3112. 00:39:41,962 --> 00:39:44,107
  3113. What happened on the day
  3114. of your wedding, girls, right?
  3115.  
  3116. 699
  3117. 00:39:44,131 --> 00:39:46,509
  3118. You had to prepare for it,
  3119. like you woke up early.
  3120.  
  3121. 700
  3122. 00:39:46,592 --> 00:39:48,469
  3123. Just want to greet the sun.
  3124.  
  3125. 701
  3126. 00:39:52,139 --> 00:39:54,767
  3127. Got up at like 6:00,
  3128. like when your dad gets up.
  3129.  
  3130. 702
  3131. 00:39:57,353 --> 00:40:00,314
  3132. Right? What, did you meditate?
  3133. "I just want to be centered."
  3134.  
  3135. 703
  3136. 00:40:00,398 --> 00:40:03,734
  3137. Right? You worked out
  3138. like it matters the day of. It doesn't.
  3139.  
  3140. 704
  3141. 00:40:04,735 --> 00:40:07,405
  3142. It doesn't. You're not going
  3143. to lose any weight at the buzzer.
  3144.  
  3145. 705
  3146. 00:40:07,488 --> 00:40:09,466
  3147. It's not going to...
  3148.  
  3149. 706
  3150. 00:40:09,490 --> 00:40:10,866
  3151. It's never going to happen.
  3152.  
  3153. 707
  3154. 00:40:12,034 --> 00:40:12,868
  3155. What did you do?
  3156.  
  3157. 708
  3158. 00:40:12,952 --> 00:40:15,830
  3159. You did your little workout
  3160. and then you got your makeup done
  3161.  
  3162. 709
  3163. 00:40:15,913 --> 00:40:19,708
  3164. and your nails and a massage
  3165. and a colonic and a hyperbaric chamber
  3166.  
  3167. 710
  3168. 00:40:19,792 --> 00:40:20,792
  3169. and a hyper...
  3170.  
  3171. 711
  3172. 00:40:20,876 --> 00:40:22,420
  3173. hyperbolic chamber.
  3174.  
  3175. 712
  3176. 00:40:22,670 --> 00:40:23,670
  3177. Amazing.
  3178.  
  3179. 713
  3180. 00:40:23,754 --> 00:40:27,383
  3181. And you got a situation room
  3182. and a silence cone
  3183.  
  3184. 714
  3185. 00:40:27,466 --> 00:40:30,052
  3186. and a shame corner and a Reiki healing.
  3187.  
  3188. 715
  3189. 00:40:30,636 --> 00:40:32,636
  3190. And you went ghost hunting,
  3191. you did all this stuff.
  3192.  
  3193. 716
  3194. 00:40:36,225 --> 00:40:37,985
  3195. What did your husband do
  3196. on your wedding day?
  3197.  
  3198. 717
  3199. 00:40:38,060 --> 00:40:40,771
  3200. I'll tell you, he woke up like whenever.
  3201.  
  3202. 718
  3203. 00:40:42,398 --> 00:40:43,718
  3204. Went out to eat with his buddies.
  3205.  
  3206. 719
  3207. 00:40:43,774 --> 00:40:45,526
  3208. "Something tasty,
  3209. doesn't matter if I'm fat
  3210.  
  3211. 720
  3212. 00:40:45,609 --> 00:40:47,153
  3213. 'cause I'm a funny guy." Went...
  3214.  
  3215. 721
  3216. 00:40:50,322 --> 00:40:51,782
  3217. Who cares if it's bloated?
  3218.  
  3219. 722
  3220. 00:40:52,616 --> 00:40:54,743
  3221. Right, then he went and got a haircut...
  3222.  
  3223. 723
  3224. 00:40:54,827 --> 00:40:57,246
  3225. ...on the day of the wedding!
  3226. Are you kidding me?
  3227.  
  3228. 724
  3229. 00:41:02,543 --> 00:41:05,421
  3230. What faith you have in this barber.
  3231.  
  3232. 725
  3233. 00:41:07,256 --> 00:41:08,632
  3234. Went out, had a drink,
  3235.  
  3236. 726
  3237. 00:41:08,716 --> 00:41:12,136
  3238. went home, jerked off, took a dump.
  3239. Who says you can't lose weight?
  3240.  
  3241. 727
  3242. 00:41:12,219 --> 00:41:13,280
  3243. Right, fellas?
  3244.  
  3245. 728
  3246. 00:41:13,304 --> 00:41:14,930
  3247. Who says you can't lose weight day of?
  3248.  
  3249. 729
  3250. 00:41:15,014 --> 00:41:16,891
  3251. Yeah.
  3252.  
  3253. 730
  3254. 00:41:17,433 --> 00:41:20,227
  3255. Yeah, probably about 500 grams.
  3256.  
  3257. 731
  3258. 00:41:23,397 --> 00:41:28,611
  3259. He took a nap, he woke up
  3260. to an alarm labeled "Wedding for you?"
  3261.  
  3262. 732
  3263. 00:41:28,694 --> 00:41:30,279
  3264. He barely made it.
  3265.  
  3266. 733
  3267. 00:41:31,822 --> 00:41:36,035
  3268. The bride, it just doesn't seem
  3269. like the bride is having as much fun
  3270.  
  3271. 734
  3272. 00:41:36,118 --> 00:41:39,038
  3273. as everyone else
  3274. because she is the one that planned it
  3275.  
  3276. 735
  3277. 00:41:39,121 --> 00:41:40,831
  3278. and she wants everything to be perfect.
  3279.  
  3280. 736
  3281. 00:41:40,915 --> 00:41:43,000
  3282. They don't tell you
  3283. that when you have a wedding,
  3284.  
  3285. 737
  3286. 00:41:43,083 --> 00:41:45,586
  3287. you have to plan every moment
  3288. because people,
  3289.  
  3290. 738
  3291. 00:41:45,669 --> 00:41:47,671
  3292. when they get in a group,
  3293. it's mob mentality
  3294.  
  3295. 739
  3296. 00:41:47,755 --> 00:41:50,132
  3297. and they don't think
  3298. like they normally would.
  3299.  
  3300. 740
  3301. 00:41:50,299 --> 00:41:52,301
  3302. Okay, so you would think logically,
  3303. like...
  3304.  
  3305. 741
  3306. 00:41:52,384 --> 00:41:55,596
  3307. "We said 'I do' in this room
  3308. and that room's got food on tables.
  3309.  
  3310. 742
  3311. 00:41:57,181 --> 00:41:59,975
  3312. Should go from A to B,
  3313. shortest distance. No problem."
  3314.  
  3315. 743
  3316. 00:42:00,059 --> 00:42:02,353
  3317. People are walking into walls like <i>Sims.</i>
  3318.  
  3319. 744
  3320. 00:42:12,738 --> 00:42:15,074
  3321. You have to shepherd them.
  3322. You have to coordinate it.
  3323.  
  3324. 745
  3325. 00:42:15,157 --> 00:42:17,076
  3326. Everything you do
  3327. has to have coordination.
  3328.  
  3329. 746
  3330. 00:42:17,159 --> 00:42:19,513
  3331. People have to be let in.
  3332. You have to plan for these moments
  3333.  
  3334. 747
  3335. 00:42:19,537 --> 00:42:20,371
  3336. that seem organic.
  3337.  
  3338. 748
  3339. 00:42:20,454 --> 00:42:23,040
  3340. I will give you an example.
  3341. So, if you're the couple
  3342.  
  3343. 749
  3344. 00:42:23,165 --> 00:42:25,085
  3345. that wants that moment
  3346. where after you say "I do"
  3347.  
  3348. 750
  3349. 00:42:25,125 --> 00:42:27,127
  3350. and you run out of the religious part
  3351.  
  3352. 751
  3353. 00:42:27,211 --> 00:42:30,506
  3354. and you get announced
  3355. into the room, right?
  3356.  
  3357. 752
  3358. 00:42:30,589 --> 00:42:33,842
  3359. If you're the couple that wants
  3360. to have the DJ to everyone at the party
  3361.  
  3362. 753
  3363. 00:42:33,926 --> 00:42:37,263
  3364. be like, "For the first time,
  3365. Mr. and Mrs. Raccoon."
  3366.  
  3367. 754
  3368. 00:42:39,390 --> 00:42:41,433
  3369. Have all your babies, yeah!
  3370.  
  3371. 755
  3372. 00:42:41,517 --> 00:42:42,768
  3373. If you...
  3374.  
  3375. 756
  3376. 00:42:44,061 --> 00:42:46,981
  3377. ...want that moment,
  3378. you have to plan for it.
  3379.  
  3380. 757
  3381. 00:42:47,064 --> 00:42:50,234
  3382. Meaning, if you want that reveal,
  3383. you, after you say "I do,"
  3384.  
  3385. 758
  3386. 00:42:50,317 --> 00:42:52,027
  3387. have to haul ass out of that room,
  3388.  
  3389. 759
  3390. 00:42:52,111 --> 00:42:54,363
  3391. go to a fucking broom closet
  3392. in a Ramada Inn,
  3393.  
  3394. 760
  3395. 00:42:54,446 --> 00:42:57,283
  3396. sign away your goats,
  3397. his chickens, stamp it, kiss me.
  3398.  
  3399. 761
  3400. 00:42:57,366 --> 00:43:00,244
  3401. Okay, then you go and you take
  3402. your couples pictures
  3403.  
  3404. 762
  3405. 00:43:00,327 --> 00:43:03,414
  3406. and while you're doing that
  3407. they're setting up the party room
  3408.  
  3409. 763
  3410. 00:43:03,497 --> 00:43:05,708
  3411. and you have to provide
  3412. a cocktail hour for your guests.
  3413.  
  3414. 764
  3415. 00:43:05,791 --> 00:43:07,831
  3416. So that's three parties.
  3417. The party they're going to,
  3418.  
  3419. 765
  3420. 00:43:07,876 --> 00:43:09,556
  3421. this party and then
  3422. the one they had before
  3423.  
  3424. 766
  3425. 00:43:09,587 --> 00:43:11,088
  3426. 'cause they're gonna get liquored up
  3427.  
  3428. 767
  3429. 00:43:11,171 --> 00:43:12,798
  3430. to listen to "YMCA."
  3431.  
  3432. 768
  3433. 00:43:12,923 --> 00:43:15,718
  3434. So they're there
  3435. and you have to provide that party,
  3436.  
  3437. 769
  3438. 00:43:15,801 --> 00:43:18,082
  3439. a party that you're paying for
  3440. that you're not invited to.
  3441.  
  3442. 770
  3443. 00:43:22,141 --> 00:43:24,893
  3444. My wedding planner was like,
  3445. "So did you want to do,
  3446.  
  3447. 771
  3448. 00:43:24,977 --> 00:43:27,855
  3449. like, an oyster bar for your guests?"
  3450.  
  3451. 772
  3452. 00:43:27,938 --> 00:43:29,978
  3453. I was like, "Do I get to eat
  3454. the delicious oysters?"
  3455.  
  3456. 773
  3457. 00:43:30,024 --> 00:43:33,360
  3458. She's like, "No, you're going
  3459. to be in the closet taking pictures.
  3460.  
  3461. 774
  3462. 00:43:34,278 --> 00:43:35,446
  3463. You don't get to partake."
  3464.  
  3465. 775
  3466. 00:43:35,529 --> 00:43:38,657
  3467. I'm like, "Then they can eat corn dogs
  3468. and wait in their cars."
  3469.  
  3470. 776
  3471. 00:43:38,741 --> 00:43:40,618
  3472. Okay.
  3473.  
  3474. 777
  3475. 00:43:41,035 --> 00:43:43,370
  3476. Tapped out. Tapped out.
  3477.  
  3478. 778
  3479. 00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:51,670
  3480. It just felt like the bride
  3481. is the last one to have fun.
  3482.  
  3483. 779
  3484. 00:43:51,754 --> 00:43:53,380
  3485. Even if you have a fun ceremony.
  3486.  
  3487. 780
  3488. 00:43:53,797 --> 00:43:54,840
  3489. Some couples like that.
  3490.  
  3491. 781
  3492. 00:43:54,923 --> 00:43:56,683
  3493. Some couples like a quiet,
  3494. spiritual ceremony
  3495.  
  3496. 782
  3497. 00:43:56,717 --> 00:43:58,927
  3498. with crying and saying I'm sorry.
  3499. Some people like...
  3500.  
  3501. 783
  3502. 00:44:00,638 --> 00:44:02,765
  3503. ...a fun service,
  3504. some people like to dance.
  3505.  
  3506. 784
  3507. 00:44:02,848 --> 00:44:07,102
  3508. Like white people love to come down
  3509. the aisle to that Bruno Mars song, like...
  3510.  
  3511. 785
  3512. 00:44:07,186 --> 00:44:08,562
  3513. <i>♪ Hey baby ♪</i>
  3514.  
  3515. 786
  3516. 00:44:08,646 --> 00:44:11,273
  3517. <i>♪ I'm gonna marry you ♪</i>
  3518.  
  3519. 787
  3520. 00:44:11,357 --> 00:44:12,191
  3521. <i>♪ Marry you... ♪</i>
  3522.  
  3523. 788
  3524. 00:44:12,274 --> 00:44:13,651
  3525. The bridesmaids and the groomsmen,
  3526.  
  3527. 789
  3528. 00:44:13,734 --> 00:44:15,944
  3529. one who was like a cheer captain
  3530. in middle school,
  3531.  
  3532. 790
  3533. 00:44:16,028 --> 00:44:19,657
  3534. was like, "We go up, you go down.
  3535. Hit it. Go, Cougars. Marry you."
  3536.  
  3537. 791
  3538. 00:44:19,740 --> 00:44:22,618
  3539. And then you do it
  3540. and it's a whole thing, right?
  3541.  
  3542. 792
  3543. 00:44:22,951 --> 00:44:24,161
  3544. So everyone has fun with it.
  3545.  
  3546. 793
  3547. 00:44:24,244 --> 00:44:27,581
  3548. So the first ones that come down...
  3549. Girls, it does not matter who you marry,
  3550.  
  3551. 794
  3552. 00:44:27,665 --> 00:44:30,334
  3553. every man has the same group of friends.
  3554.  
  3555. 795
  3556. 00:44:30,417 --> 00:44:34,296
  3557. Every man has the same groom-pod, okay?
  3558.  
  3559. 796
  3560. 00:44:34,380 --> 00:44:36,100
  3561. First one to come
  3562. walking down that aisle...
  3563.  
  3564. 797
  3565. 00:44:36,131 --> 00:44:38,467
  3566. Every man's got
  3567. that one friend that's too big, okay?
  3568.  
  3569. 798
  3570. 00:44:38,550 --> 00:44:40,844
  3571. He's like 6'9".
  3572.  
  3573. 799
  3574. 00:44:40,928 --> 00:44:42,471
  3575. His name is Donk.
  3576.  
  3577. 800
  3578. 00:44:42,554 --> 00:44:44,556
  3579. He's just like...
  3580.  
  3581. 801
  3582. 00:44:48,435 --> 00:44:51,605
  3583. ...walking on two snapped Achilles
  3584. and all head injuries...
  3585.  
  3586. 802
  3587. 00:44:51,689 --> 00:44:52,606
  3588. "Donk."
  3589.  
  3590. 803
  3591. 00:44:53,899 --> 00:44:56,819
  3592. Everyone's, "Oh, Donk's
  3593. doing the choreography, barely."
  3594.  
  3595. 804
  3596. 00:44:59,363 --> 00:45:00,757
  3597. "Go, Donk!"
  3598.  
  3599. 805
  3600. 00:45:00,781 --> 00:45:01,907
  3601. "I am Donk."
  3602.  
  3603. 806
  3604. 00:45:04,410 --> 00:45:05,327
  3605. "Put that baby down!"
  3606.  
  3607. 807
  3608. 00:45:05,411 --> 00:45:06,412
  3609. "Donk is hungry."
  3610.  
  3611. 808
  3612. 00:45:10,624 --> 00:45:11,667
  3613. Then the funny friend.
  3614.  
  3615. 809
  3616. 00:45:11,750 --> 00:45:14,670
  3617. Every man you date will have
  3618. that one friend that's funny.
  3619.  
  3620. 810
  3621. 00:45:14,753 --> 00:45:16,463
  3622. He never shuts up, his name is Daniel,
  3623.  
  3624. 811
  3625. 00:45:16,547 --> 00:45:18,233
  3626. and he comes down the aisle...
  3627.  
  3628. 812
  3629. 00:45:18,257 --> 00:45:19,800
  3630. "Yeah!"
  3631.  
  3632. 813
  3633. 00:45:19,925 --> 00:45:21,969
  3634. ...and he doesn't see a congregation,
  3635.  
  3636. 814
  3637. 00:45:22,052 --> 00:45:22,928
  3638. he sees an audience.
  3639.  
  3640. 815
  3641. 00:45:23,011 --> 00:45:24,411
  3642. So he's going up to your nana like,
  3643.  
  3644. 816
  3645. 00:45:24,471 --> 00:45:26,140
  3646. "Oh, yeah, Nana. Yeah."
  3647.  
  3648. 817
  3649. 00:45:26,223 --> 00:45:29,351
  3650. Right? And they're loving it.
  3651. You're loving it. He's like, "Yeah."
  3652.  
  3653. 818
  3654. 00:45:29,435 --> 00:45:31,155
  3655. And the more they laugh,
  3656. he's like, "Uh-oh."
  3657.  
  3658. 819
  3659. 00:45:31,228 --> 00:45:34,481
  3660. And then he goes off book.
  3661. He's like, "Yeah, I do the sprinkler
  3662.  
  3663. 820
  3664. 00:45:34,565 --> 00:45:36,734
  3665. and whatever the hell this is."
  3666.  
  3667. 821
  3668. 00:45:41,530 --> 00:45:44,032
  3669. And they're loving... and people
  3670. are laughing at your wedding,
  3671.  
  3672. 822
  3673. 00:45:44,116 --> 00:45:46,386
  3674. bride's not even there yet.
  3675. Everyone's having a good time.
  3676.  
  3677. 823
  3678. 00:45:46,410 --> 00:45:48,871
  3679. She's in the back,
  3680. breathing into a fucking paper bag.
  3681.  
  3682. 824
  3683. 00:45:48,954 --> 00:45:50,807
  3684. And they think Daniel is so funny.
  3685.  
  3686. 825
  3687. 00:45:50,831 --> 00:45:53,333
  3688. Then they turn to me,
  3689. "Isn't Daniel funny, Iliza?
  3690.  
  3691. 826
  3692. 00:45:53,417 --> 00:45:55,252
  3693. You're doing it, bravo.
  3694. Move your dick more.
  3695.  
  3696. 827
  3697. 00:45:55,335 --> 00:45:57,004
  3698. This is great. Daniel's so fun...
  3699.  
  3700. 828
  3701. 00:45:57,171 --> 00:45:58,505
  3702. Iliza, isn't Daniel funny?
  3703.  
  3704. 829
  3705. 00:45:58,589 --> 00:46:00,382
  3706. He should've been a comic."
  3707. He could've been.
  3708.  
  3709. 830
  3710. 00:46:00,466 --> 00:46:02,466
  3711. But something happened
  3712. senior year at Duke.
  3713.  
  3714. 831
  3715. 00:46:02,509 --> 00:46:04,790
  3716. The girl never woke up
  3717. but it was wrong place, wrong time.
  3718.  
  3719. 832
  3720. 00:46:04,845 --> 00:46:07,565
  3721. He deferred for a year while his parents
  3722. put together a defense fund.
  3723.  
  3724. 833
  3725. 00:46:07,598 --> 00:46:10,160
  3726. He didn't do anything wrong,
  3727. but it didn't look very good to apply
  3728.  
  3729. 834
  3730. 00:46:10,184 --> 00:46:12,824
  3731. to other schools so he deferred
  3732. and took community college credits.
  3733.  
  3734. 835
  3735. 00:46:12,853 --> 00:46:15,498
  3736. His CPA degree wasn't what he wanted,
  3737. but he won't graduate on time.
  3738.  
  3739. 836
  3740. 00:46:15,522 --> 00:46:16,833
  3741. But he did graduate.
  3742.  
  3743. 837
  3744. 00:46:16,857 --> 00:46:20,694
  3745. <i>♪ Marry you, marry you, marry you ♪</i>
  3746.  
  3747. 838
  3748. 00:46:27,117 --> 00:46:30,287
  3749. The bridesmaids come down
  3750. like, "This is a strapless bra.
  3751.  
  3752. 839
  3753. 00:46:30,370 --> 00:46:31,747
  3754. This isn't fun.
  3755.  
  3756. 840
  3757. 00:46:33,582 --> 00:46:34,708
  3758. I slept with Daniel."
  3759.  
  3760. 841
  3761. 00:46:34,792 --> 00:46:37,836
  3762. <i>♪ Marry you, marry you ♪</i>
  3763.  
  3764. 842
  3765. 00:46:37,920 --> 00:46:41,298
  3766. Now the groom comes down
  3767. and he's in sunglasses.
  3768.  
  3769. 843
  3770. 00:46:41,381 --> 00:46:44,301
  3771. "I'm in sunglasses. Isn't this funny?
  3772.  
  3773. 844
  3774. 00:46:44,384 --> 00:46:46,470
  3775. I'm indoors, what a juxtaposition.
  3776.  
  3777. 845
  3778. 00:46:48,555 --> 00:46:51,850
  3779. I'm in sunglasses, which is an homage
  3780. to <i>Risky Business,</i> which is a movie
  3781.  
  3782. 846
  3783. 00:46:51,934 --> 00:46:53,644
  3784. about what, Nashville? Hookers!"
  3785.  
  3786. 847
  3787. 00:46:53,727 --> 00:46:56,313
  3788. <i>♪ Marry you ♪</i>
  3789.  
  3790. 848
  3791. 00:46:56,855 --> 00:46:58,774
  3792. "Everyone get serious, she's here."
  3793.  
  3794. 849
  3795. 00:47:10,494 --> 00:47:13,163
  3796. She was last.
  3797. She missed out on all the fun.
  3798.  
  3799. 850
  3800. 00:47:13,747 --> 00:47:16,250
  3801. All I want is for brides to have fun
  3802.  
  3803. 851
  3804. 00:47:16,333 --> 00:47:18,669
  3805. in 2020, that's my campaign.
  3806.  
  3807. 852
  3808. 00:47:18,752 --> 00:47:20,546
  3809. That's it.
  3810.  
  3811. 853
  3812. 00:47:22,339 --> 00:47:24,842
  3813. No foreign relations change,
  3814. no tax refund.
  3815.  
  3816. 854
  3817. 00:47:24,967 --> 00:47:27,970
  3818. Nothing like that.
  3819. No tax reform, just brides having fun.
  3820.  
  3821. 855
  3822. 00:47:28,136 --> 00:47:29,888
  3823. I think I can win.
  3824.  
  3825. 856
  3826. 00:47:31,849 --> 00:47:33,684
  3827. So here's my idea for brides to have fun.
  3828.  
  3829. 857
  3830. 00:47:33,934 --> 00:47:37,104
  3831. If I tell it to you,
  3832. will you promise to do it?
  3833.  
  3834. 858
  3835. 00:47:40,023 --> 00:47:41,023
  3836. Okay.
  3837.  
  3838. 859
  3839. 00:47:42,025 --> 00:47:45,904
  3840. Take one part red food coloring,
  3841. one part corn syrup.
  3842.  
  3843. 860
  3844. 00:47:46,530 --> 00:47:49,491
  3845. Mix it in a bowl, a reusable bowl.
  3846.  
  3847. 861
  3848. 00:47:49,575 --> 00:47:50,575
  3849. Mix it.
  3850.  
  3851. 862
  3852. 00:47:51,118 --> 00:47:52,160
  3853. Stick it in your mouth,
  3854.  
  3855. 863
  3856. 00:47:52,536 --> 00:47:53,620
  3857. back of the chapel.
  3858.  
  3859. 864
  3860. 00:48:13,140 --> 00:48:15,350
  3861. <i>♪ This is gonna be metal ♪</i>
  3862.  
  3863. 865
  3864. 00:48:21,481 --> 00:48:24,067
  3865. "You may kiss the bride."
  3866. Girls, he lifts your flap,
  3867.  
  3868. 866
  3869. 00:48:24,151 --> 00:48:25,861
  3870. that's when you...
  3871.  
  3872. 867
  3873. 00:48:40,250 --> 00:48:43,420
  3874. "Help me get back to the mirror!
  3875.  
  3876. 868
  3877. 00:49:04,399 --> 00:49:05,400
  3878. I do."
  3879.  
  3880. 869
  3881. 00:49:17,621 --> 00:49:20,290
  3882. This is a question
  3883. for the men in the audience,
  3884.  
  3885. 870
  3886. 00:49:20,374 --> 00:49:24,503
  3887. and keep in mind, boys, it is rhetorical
  3888. before you yell out your gem of an answer.
  3889.  
  3890. 871
  3891. 00:49:26,463 --> 00:49:27,839
  3892. This is a scripted program.
  3893.  
  3894. 872
  3895. 00:49:29,299 --> 00:49:31,176
  3896. My question for you is why?
  3897.  
  3898. 873
  3899. 00:49:31,510 --> 00:49:35,514
  3900. Why would you want
  3901. to cover your girl's face?
  3902.  
  3903. 874
  3904. 00:49:36,098 --> 00:49:37,891
  3905. - These guys are like...
  3906. - "We don't.
  3907.  
  3908. 875
  3909. 00:49:41,687 --> 00:49:43,407
  3910. She wanted to wear the veil.
  3911. I said, 'Okay.'
  3912.  
  3913. 876
  3914. 00:49:43,480 --> 00:49:45,857
  3915. I was enabling her feminism, I don't...
  3916.  
  3917. 877
  3918. 00:49:46,483 --> 00:49:48,193
  3919. I agree. What? I'm not heckling her.
  3920.  
  3921. 878
  3922. 00:49:48,276 --> 00:49:49,987
  3923. I'm not... We don't want...
  3924.  
  3925. 879
  3926. 00:49:50,070 --> 00:49:52,656
  3927. I'm not yelling, she asked a question.
  3928. I feel maligned right now.
  3929.  
  3930. 880
  3931. 00:49:52,739 --> 00:49:54,676
  3932. I don't wanna cover her face. What?
  3933.  
  3934. 881
  3935. 00:49:54,700 --> 00:49:56,326
  3936. You're giving me shit. She's the one...
  3937.  
  3938. 882
  3939. 00:49:56,410 --> 00:49:58,412
  3940. You know what?
  3941. Get up, I gotta take a piss. Get up.
  3942.  
  3943. 883
  3944. 00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:02,332
  3945. I don't care what they...
  3946. I don't even know who you are.
  3947.  
  3948. 884
  3949. 00:50:02,416 --> 00:50:04,176
  3950. I bought this as a Christmas present
  3951. for her.
  3952.  
  3953. 885
  3954. 00:50:05,711 --> 00:50:07,504
  3955. Your tickets went on sale
  3956. a long time ago.
  3957.  
  3958. 886
  3959. 00:50:07,587 --> 00:50:09,172
  3960. Okay.
  3961.  
  3962. 887
  3963. 00:50:09,423 --> 00:50:11,925
  3964. What? You said this was gonna be about
  3965. peacocks and baby legs
  3966.  
  3967. 888
  3968. 00:50:12,009 --> 00:50:13,510
  3969. and so far, I don't know."
  3970.  
  3971. 889
  3972. 00:50:20,100 --> 00:50:22,310
  3973. "Accurate."
  3974.  
  3975. 890
  3976. 00:50:24,229 --> 00:50:25,897
  3977. When I say her face, gentlemen,
  3978.  
  3979. 891
  3980. 00:50:25,981 --> 00:50:28,859
  3981. is a big part of the reason
  3982. that you're with her...
  3983.  
  3984. 892
  3985. 00:50:28,942 --> 00:50:31,062
  3986. "What about the tits?" For sure.
  3987.  
  3988. 893
  3989. 00:50:31,361 --> 00:50:32,361
  3990. For sure.
  3991.  
  3992. 894
  3993. 00:50:32,988 --> 00:50:37,617
  3994. Okay. In fact, that should be a big part
  3995. of the veil-lifting ceremony.
  3996.  
  3997. 895
  3998. 00:50:39,036 --> 00:50:40,662
  3999. But the girl gets to do it.
  4000.  
  4001. 896
  4002. 00:50:41,246 --> 00:50:42,289
  4003. If she wants.
  4004.  
  4005. 897
  4006. 00:50:42,622 --> 00:50:43,665
  4007. "You may kiss the bride."
  4008.  
  4009. 898
  4010. 00:50:43,749 --> 00:50:45,389
  4011. He lifts the flap and then the girl goes,
  4012.  
  4013. 899
  4014. 00:50:45,417 --> 00:50:46,501
  4015. "Check it out."
  4016.  
  4017. 900
  4018. 00:50:58,430 --> 00:50:59,473
  4019. It's a great idea.
  4020.  
  4021. 901
  4022. 00:50:59,556 --> 00:51:01,058
  4023. Think... Let me pitch you on this.
  4024.  
  4025. 902
  4026. 00:51:01,141 --> 00:51:03,101
  4027. Think of the money to be made
  4028.  
  4029. 903
  4030. 00:51:03,435 --> 00:51:05,979
  4031. on a bridal tit-flap.
  4032.  
  4033. 904
  4034. 00:51:07,856 --> 00:51:08,856
  4035. Right?
  4036.  
  4037. 905
  4038. 00:51:09,483 --> 00:51:10,817
  4039. Think of how we could market it.
  4040.  
  4041. 906
  4042. 00:51:10,901 --> 00:51:12,652
  4043. Think of how we could pitch it like,
  4044.  
  4045. 907
  4046. 00:51:13,111 --> 00:51:14,111
  4047. "Hey, sharks."
  4048.  
  4049. 908
  4050. 00:51:22,913 --> 00:51:26,249
  4051. Now, when I say her face
  4052. and her body, gentlemen,
  4053.  
  4054. 909
  4055. 00:51:26,333 --> 00:51:28,085
  4056. are big parts of the reason
  4057. you're with her,
  4058.  
  4059. 910
  4060. 00:51:28,168 --> 00:51:29,628
  4061. that's not a knock against men.
  4062.  
  4063. 911
  4064. 00:51:29,711 --> 00:51:31,088
  4065. That's never my MO.
  4066.  
  4067. 912
  4068. 00:51:31,171 --> 00:51:33,340
  4069. I think sometimes people hear
  4070. that a woman is speaking.
  4071.  
  4072. 913
  4073. 00:51:33,423 --> 00:51:35,926
  4074. They're like, "Oh, she must hate men."
  4075. That's bullshit, okay?
  4076.  
  4077. 914
  4078. 00:51:36,009 --> 00:51:38,595
  4079. You can be pro-woman
  4080. without being anti-man.
  4081.  
  4082. 915
  4083. 00:51:38,678 --> 00:51:40,764
  4084. We have to adjust that, okay?
  4085.  
  4086. 916
  4087. 00:51:45,519 --> 00:51:47,771
  4088. My motivation has never been
  4089. to shit on men.
  4090.  
  4091. 917
  4092. 00:51:47,854 --> 00:51:51,399
  4093. My motivation is to shit on everyone
  4094. and together we rise.
  4095.  
  4096. 918
  4097. 00:51:52,734 --> 00:51:53,734
  4098. Yes!
  4099.  
  4100. 919
  4101. 00:51:54,027 --> 00:51:55,695
  4102. Like a shit phoenix.
  4103.  
  4104. 920
  4105. 00:51:58,573 --> 00:52:00,951
  4106. Men make up 50% of my audience.
  4107. I love men.
  4108.  
  4109. 921
  4110. 00:52:01,034 --> 00:52:04,412
  4111. I married one and I slept with a bunch
  4112. of hot ones right before, so...
  4113.  
  4114. 922
  4115. 00:52:05,789 --> 00:52:06,915
  4116. Right before.
  4117.  
  4118. 923
  4119. 00:52:09,334 --> 00:52:11,134
  4120. When I say her face
  4121. and her body are big parts
  4122.  
  4123. 924
  4124. 00:52:11,169 --> 00:52:14,422
  4125. of the reasons you're with her
  4126. that's commentary, not on superficiality,
  4127.  
  4128. 925
  4129. 00:52:14,506 --> 00:52:17,384
  4130. that's commentary
  4131. on the way men's brains are wired,
  4132.  
  4133. 926
  4134. 00:52:17,467 --> 00:52:20,547
  4135. a subject I find endlessly fascinating
  4136. and I write a lot of material about it.
  4137.  
  4138. 927
  4139. 00:52:20,595 --> 00:52:21,847
  4140. Okay?
  4141.  
  4142. 928
  4143. 00:52:21,930 --> 00:52:23,974
  4144. Men are visual creatures,
  4145. I've stated this before.
  4146.  
  4147. 929
  4148. 00:52:24,057 --> 00:52:27,811
  4149. They're visual creatures, which means,
  4150. girls, they have to be
  4151.  
  4152. 930
  4153. 00:52:28,019 --> 00:52:31,022
  4154. physically attracted to you
  4155. for at least a second
  4156.  
  4157. 931
  4158. 00:52:31,106 --> 00:52:32,983
  4159. to get engaged
  4160. and then want to get to know,
  4161.  
  4162. 932
  4163. 00:52:33,066 --> 00:52:34,526
  4164. like, your amazing personality.
  4165.  
  4166. 933
  4167. 00:52:34,609 --> 00:52:36,486
  4168. That's the way it goes.
  4169.  
  4170. 934
  4171. 00:52:36,653 --> 00:52:39,990
  4172. It doesn't have to be the whole thing,
  4173. it could be a hair. Just a whisker.
  4174.  
  4175. 935
  4176. 00:52:40,073 --> 00:52:42,033
  4177. Just a nub.
  4178. They're like, "Hey, what's that?"
  4179.  
  4180. 936
  4181. 00:52:42,117 --> 00:52:44,202
  4182. It goes looks...
  4183.  
  4184. 937
  4185. 00:52:44,411 --> 00:52:47,789
  4186. ...looks, hook him,
  4187. and then your heart of gold reels him in.
  4188.  
  4189. 938
  4190. 00:52:47,873 --> 00:52:49,153
  4191. That's what it is.
  4192.  
  4193. 939
  4194. 00:52:49,249 --> 00:52:50,709
  4195. It does not go the other way.
  4196.  
  4197. 940
  4198. 00:52:50,792 --> 00:52:53,461
  4199. No man's ever been like,
  4200. "I want to set you up with a girl."
  4201.  
  4202. 941
  4203. 00:52:53,545 --> 00:52:56,840
  4204. And that guy's been, "All right, tell me
  4205. about her remarkable charity work first."
  4206.  
  4207. 942
  4208. 00:52:56,923 --> 00:52:58,383
  4209. No.
  4210.  
  4211. 943
  4212. 00:52:59,426 --> 00:53:00,802
  4213. They're attracted to you.
  4214.  
  4215. 944
  4216. 00:53:01,052 --> 00:53:02,721
  4217. And then they move in. Okay?
  4218.  
  4219. 945
  4220. 00:53:03,180 --> 00:53:05,390
  4221. He saw you and then
  4222. the rest of it was yours, okay?
  4223.  
  4224. 946
  4225. 00:53:05,473 --> 00:53:08,393
  4226. He saw you at work, at a bar, on an app,
  4227.  
  4228. 947
  4229. 00:53:08,476 --> 00:53:10,228
  4230. through your window
  4231. for the last six months.
  4232.  
  4233. 948
  4234. 00:53:10,312 --> 00:53:11,897
  4235. He saw you...
  4236.  
  4237. 949
  4238. 00:53:13,607 --> 00:53:16,693
  4239. ...approached you, fingers crossed,
  4240. like, "Please don't be a lunatic."
  4241.  
  4242. 950
  4243. 00:53:16,776 --> 00:53:18,862
  4244. You turned around,
  4245.  
  4246. 951
  4247. 00:53:18,945 --> 00:53:21,323
  4248. you're like, "This is my shoulder iguana
  4249. and I'm a Taurus.
  4250.  
  4251. 952
  4252. 00:53:21,406 --> 00:53:23,074
  4253. It means a lot to me. Let's go."
  4254.  
  4255. 953
  4256. 00:53:23,158 --> 00:53:24,784
  4257. He's like, "Okay.
  4258.  
  4259. 954
  4260. 00:53:25,118 --> 00:53:26,828
  4261. That's fine, she seems warm."
  4262.  
  4263. 955
  4264. 00:53:28,330 --> 00:53:32,167
  4265. You want a man that is wired that way
  4266. for as annoying as it can be.
  4267.  
  4268. 956
  4269. 00:53:32,250 --> 00:53:35,212
  4270. Like, "Men are pigs."
  4271. You want a man that is visually-wired
  4272.  
  4273. 957
  4274. 00:53:35,295 --> 00:53:37,714
  4275. because that's the correct way
  4276. to be wired, okay?
  4277.  
  4278. 958
  4279. 00:53:37,797 --> 00:53:41,051
  4280. "I don't care about her looks."
  4281. Yeah, 'cause she's hot. So, nice try.
  4282.  
  4283. 959
  4284. 00:53:43,386 --> 00:53:45,266
  4285. You don't want a man
  4286. that's wired the other way.
  4287.  
  4288. 960
  4289. 00:53:45,305 --> 00:53:49,392
  4290. A man would have to be so broken
  4291. by society to be like, "I don't care
  4292.  
  4293. 961
  4294. 00:53:49,476 --> 00:53:52,187
  4295. what she looks like,
  4296. just don't let her spit in my food."
  4297.  
  4298. 962
  4299. 00:53:52,270 --> 00:53:54,522
  4300. You want a man...
  4301.  
  4302. 963
  4303. 00:53:55,065 --> 00:53:58,235
  4304. And rather than get angry about the way
  4305. that they're naturally wired,
  4306.  
  4307. 964
  4308. 00:53:58,318 --> 00:54:00,362
  4309. all while crying like,
  4310. "Accept me for who I am,
  4311.  
  4312. 965
  4313. 00:54:00,445 --> 00:54:02,155
  4314. but you better change who you are, boys."
  4315.  
  4316. 966
  4317. 00:54:02,239 --> 00:54:04,241
  4318. Rather than get angry at that,
  4319.  
  4320. 967
  4321. 00:54:04,324 --> 00:54:08,119
  4322. let's use this information,
  4323. rather than rage against the patriarchy.
  4324.  
  4325. 968
  4326. 00:54:08,203 --> 00:54:10,038
  4327. Let's use the information we have
  4328.  
  4329. 969
  4330. 00:54:10,121 --> 00:54:11,998
  4331. to work within the confines
  4332. of the structure...
  4333.  
  4334. 970
  4335. 00:54:12,082 --> 00:54:13,642
  4336. ...as we have for millennia.
  4337.  
  4338. 971
  4339. 00:54:13,667 --> 00:54:16,586
  4340. And gather information, okay?
  4341.  
  4342. 972
  4343. 00:54:16,670 --> 00:54:19,506
  4344. If he has to be attracted to you
  4345. in order to want to get to know you,
  4346.  
  4347. 973
  4348. 00:54:19,589 --> 00:54:22,550
  4349. that means he must be attracted to you
  4350. in order to stay with you.
  4351.  
  4352. 974
  4353. 00:54:22,634 --> 00:54:25,345
  4354. That means if he's with you,
  4355. he thinks you're beautiful
  4356.  
  4357. 975
  4358. 00:54:25,428 --> 00:54:29,432
  4359. and he does not see all the ugliness
  4360. that you think you see. Okay?
  4361.  
  4362. 976
  4363. 00:54:29,516 --> 00:54:30,934
  4364. Yes.
  4365.  
  4366. 977
  4367. 00:54:32,185 --> 00:54:33,395
  4368. He's incapable.
  4369.  
  4370. 978
  4371. 00:54:34,646 --> 00:54:37,607
  4372. All the problems
  4373. society says are wrong with you,
  4374.  
  4375. 979
  4376. 00:54:37,691 --> 00:54:39,859
  4377. he hasn't been brainwashed
  4378. into thinking that, okay?
  4379.  
  4380. 980
  4381. 00:54:39,943 --> 00:54:42,713
  4382. So when you were getting ready
  4383. like I was for the show and you're like,
  4384.  
  4385. 981
  4386. 00:54:42,737 --> 00:54:45,031
  4387. "I'm so fat.
  4388. They won't even let me in the building
  4389.  
  4390. 982
  4391. 00:54:45,115 --> 00:54:48,368
  4392. and asked me to resurface this whole...
  4393. Cover it up."
  4394.  
  4395. 983
  4396. 00:54:50,704 --> 00:54:52,038
  4397. He doesn't see any of it.
  4398.  
  4399. 984
  4400. 00:54:52,122 --> 00:54:53,957
  4401. He thinks you're beautiful.
  4402. Give him a break.
  4403.  
  4404. 985
  4405. 00:54:54,582 --> 00:54:55,750
  4406. Okay?
  4407.  
  4408. 986
  4409. 00:55:01,298 --> 00:55:03,425
  4410. If he loves you, if this is a first date,
  4411.  
  4412. 987
  4413. 00:55:03,508 --> 00:55:05,802
  4414. I don't fucking know what's gonna happen.
  4415.  
  4416. 988
  4417. 00:55:07,262 --> 00:55:09,055
  4418. But men are very visual, women are not.
  4419.  
  4420. 989
  4421. 00:55:09,139 --> 00:55:10,140
  4422. We are cerebral.
  4423.  
  4424. 990
  4425. 00:55:10,348 --> 00:55:14,060
  4426. We are cerebral creatures, which means
  4427. we don't have to be attracted to you
  4428.  
  4429. 991
  4430. 00:55:14,227 --> 00:55:16,104
  4431. to fall in love with you.
  4432.  
  4433. 992
  4434. 00:55:16,855 --> 00:55:20,150
  4435. We're cerebral creatures, which means
  4436. we can fall in love with you...
  4437.  
  4438. 993
  4439. 00:55:20,233 --> 00:55:22,193
  4440. ...despite your stupid fucking face!
  4441.  
  4442. 994
  4443. 00:55:29,826 --> 00:55:31,995
  4444. Girls, if you're on a date,
  4445. don't cheer too loud.
  4446.  
  4447. 995
  4448. 00:55:39,085 --> 00:55:42,422
  4449. Every woman in this room
  4450. has at some point gone out with a man
  4451.  
  4452. 996
  4453. 00:55:42,505 --> 00:55:45,759
  4454. less attractive than she simply because...
  4455.  
  4456. 997
  4457. 00:55:45,842 --> 00:55:47,385
  4458. "He makes me laugh."
  4459.  
  4460. 998
  4461. 00:56:03,902 --> 00:56:06,404
  4462. It's true. Every woman,
  4463. at some point in her life,
  4464.  
  4465. 999
  4466. 00:56:06,488 --> 00:56:10,200
  4467. has gone out, dated, loved
  4468. an absolute fucking hobgoblin...
  4469.  
  4470. 1000
  4471. 00:56:12,577 --> 00:56:14,204
  4472. ...simply because like,
  4473.  
  4474. 1001
  4475. 00:56:14,287 --> 00:56:16,831
  4476. "He's real good with business"
  4477. or some shit, right?
  4478.  
  4479. 1002
  4480. 00:56:18,041 --> 00:56:20,585
  4481. And there's this weird allowance
  4482. we get as women
  4483.  
  4484. 1003
  4485. 00:56:20,668 --> 00:56:23,880
  4486. where you are allowed to, like in public,
  4487.  
  4488. 1004
  4489. 00:56:24,339 --> 00:56:27,592
  4490. say that the man you love
  4491. and are with is not attractive.
  4492.  
  4493. 1005
  4494. 00:56:30,053 --> 00:56:32,847
  4495. "But he's real, real sweet."
  4496. Like, in front of his face.
  4497.  
  4498. 1006
  4499. 00:56:34,307 --> 00:56:36,226
  4500. Like, at a dinner party.
  4501.  
  4502. 1007
  4503. 00:56:38,019 --> 00:56:39,687
  4504. You're allowed to be like, "Sean?
  4505.  
  4506. 1008
  4507. 00:56:39,771 --> 00:56:41,731
  4508. I don't know. He's no Brad Pitt."
  4509.  
  4510. 1009
  4511. 00:56:45,527 --> 00:56:47,904
  4512. And Sean's
  4513. the first motherfucker to be like,
  4514.  
  4515. 1010
  4516. 00:56:47,987 --> 00:56:50,240
  4517. "Yeah, I am not an attractive man.
  4518.  
  4519. 1011
  4520. 00:56:57,580 --> 00:57:00,250
  4521. But I own a boat
  4522. and I'm fucking her, so...
  4523.  
  4524. 1012
  4525. 00:57:00,625 --> 00:57:01,625
  4526. Yeah!"
  4527.  
  4528. 1013
  4529. 00:57:09,801 --> 00:57:12,512
  4530. It's not okay.
  4531. No one loves to be called ugly,
  4532.  
  4533. 1014
  4534. 00:57:12,595 --> 00:57:14,865
  4535. but when you call a guy ugly,
  4536. they're very honest about it
  4537.  
  4538. 1015
  4539. 00:57:14,889 --> 00:57:18,893
  4540. because a man knows his worth
  4541. does not hinge on the way he looks,
  4542.  
  4543. 1016
  4544. 00:57:18,977 --> 00:57:22,188
  4545. nor does it hinge
  4546. on the way people perceive his looks.
  4547.  
  4548. 1017
  4549. 00:57:22,272 --> 00:57:24,190
  4550. When you're a girl,
  4551. that is an inextricable part
  4552.  
  4553. 1018
  4554. 00:57:24,274 --> 00:57:25,650
  4555. of your experience on this planet
  4556.  
  4557. 1019
  4558. 00:57:25,733 --> 00:57:28,319
  4559. and will be held against you
  4560. no matter what you look like.
  4561.  
  4562. 1020
  4563. 00:57:28,403 --> 00:57:30,363
  4564. Obviously it's better
  4565. to be better-looking, but...
  4566.  
  4567. 1021
  4568. 00:57:31,990 --> 00:57:33,783
  4569. ...when you're attractive at all,
  4570.  
  4571. 1022
  4572. 00:57:33,867 --> 00:57:36,828
  4573. you are up for the slings and arrows
  4574. of judgment from men, women.
  4575.  
  4576. 1023
  4577. 00:57:36,911 --> 00:57:38,831
  4578. "She's a skank."
  4579. "She must not be smart."
  4580.  
  4581. 1024
  4582. 00:57:38,872 --> 00:57:41,458
  4583. "I bet she steals boyfriends."
  4584. "She's probably an idiot."
  4585.  
  4586. 1025
  4587. 00:57:41,541 --> 00:57:44,181
  4588. If you're ugly, it's like,
  4589. "I bet she gets worse in the moonlight."
  4590.  
  4591. 1026
  4592. 00:57:44,210 --> 00:57:45,753
  4593. You're always...
  4594.  
  4595. 1027
  4596. 00:57:46,296 --> 00:57:50,425
  4597. Jobs, boyfriends, perception,
  4598. your rise in our society,
  4599.  
  4600. 1028
  4601. 00:57:50,508 --> 00:57:54,095
  4602. hinges on your looks and other people's
  4603. take on the way that you look.
  4604.  
  4605. 1029
  4606. 00:57:54,179 --> 00:57:57,599
  4607. For men, not so much
  4608. because they can still be charismatic
  4609.  
  4610. 1030
  4611. 00:57:57,682 --> 00:57:59,851
  4612. and attractive to women,
  4613. even if they're hideous.
  4614.  
  4615. 1031
  4616. 00:57:59,934 --> 00:58:01,936
  4617. You can have bad hair
  4618. and date a supermodel.
  4619.  
  4620. 1032
  4621. 00:58:02,020 --> 00:58:04,689
  4622. You can be structurally-fucked
  4623. and still run the Free World.
  4624.  
  4625. 1033
  4626. 00:58:04,772 --> 00:58:07,692
  4627. Like, you can do these things.
  4628.  
  4629. 1034
  4630. 00:58:15,658 --> 00:58:17,887
  4631. It's interesting because
  4632. we all wanna be treated equally,
  4633.  
  4634. 1035
  4635. 00:58:17,911 --> 00:58:20,639
  4636. we all wanna be treated the same
  4637. but I don't think that's gonna happen
  4638.  
  4639. 1036
  4640. 00:58:20,663 --> 00:58:22,999
  4641. for a very long time
  4642. because of the un-brainwashing
  4643.  
  4644. 1037
  4645. 00:58:23,082 --> 00:58:26,794
  4646. we have to do with the way we treat
  4647. and perceive women based on their looks.
  4648.  
  4649. 1038
  4650. 00:58:26,878 --> 00:58:29,797
  4651. It affects everything,
  4652. even if you're trying to be kind,
  4653.  
  4654. 1039
  4655. 00:58:29,881 --> 00:58:32,467
  4656. it still affects it.
  4657. I will give you an example in real time.
  4658.  
  4659. 1040
  4660. 00:58:32,550 --> 00:58:36,387
  4661. If I had a man here
  4662. and he was heckling me the whole show,
  4663.  
  4664. 1041
  4665. 00:58:36,471 --> 00:58:38,681
  4666. ruining the show and just being an idiot,
  4667.  
  4668. 1042
  4669. 00:58:38,765 --> 00:58:41,392
  4670. I could snap and I could say
  4671. something hacky like,
  4672.  
  4673. 1043
  4674. 00:58:41,476 --> 00:58:45,563
  4675. "Well, you're bald and you're ugly and fat
  4676. and I bet you got a small dick," right?
  4677.  
  4678. 1044
  4679. 00:58:46,564 --> 00:58:48,900
  4680. And most of you laugh,
  4681. one person checked their phone.
  4682.  
  4683. 1045
  4684. 00:58:48,983 --> 00:58:50,401
  4685. No one's anger...
  4686.  
  4687. 1046
  4688. 00:58:50,735 --> 00:58:53,738
  4689. - Even the one in the back was like...
  4690. - "I got nothing to tweet.
  4691.  
  4692. 1047
  4693. 00:58:55,323 --> 00:58:56,323
  4694. Fair play."
  4695.  
  4696. 1048
  4697. 00:58:57,242 --> 00:59:00,203
  4698. If I had a woman here
  4699. who was yelling at me,
  4700.  
  4701. 1049
  4702. 00:59:00,286 --> 00:59:04,374
  4703. being rude, interrupting your show,
  4704. interrupting my night at work...
  4705.  
  4706. 1050
  4707. 00:59:04,457 --> 00:59:07,627
  4708. This is a job, despite the fact
  4709. that I have purple lipstick on. Okay?
  4710.  
  4711. 1051
  4712. 00:59:07,710 --> 00:59:09,128
  4713. And a fun ponytail.
  4714.  
  4715. 1052
  4716. 00:59:09,212 --> 00:59:11,714
  4717. If she was doing that
  4718. and acting like an asshole
  4719.  
  4720. 1053
  4721. 00:59:11,798 --> 00:59:15,134
  4722. and I snapped and I was like,
  4723. "Well, you're a fat, ugly bitch..."
  4724.  
  4725. 1054
  4726. 00:59:20,431 --> 00:59:22,392
  4727. She's not even real.
  4728.  
  4729. 1055
  4730. 00:59:30,149 --> 00:59:32,610
  4731. And you're like...
  4732. "Don't shame her!"
  4733.  
  4734. 1056
  4735. 00:59:36,948 --> 00:59:38,032
  4736. A woman...
  4737.  
  4738. 1057
  4739. 00:59:38,324 --> 00:59:40,577
  4740. As women, we are forced to be practical.
  4741.  
  4742. 1058
  4743. 00:59:40,660 --> 00:59:43,371
  4744. We are forced to be honest
  4745. about things and our expectations
  4746.  
  4747. 1059
  4748. 00:59:43,454 --> 00:59:44,497
  4749. and we are honest.
  4750.  
  4751. 1060
  4752. 00:59:44,581 --> 00:59:46,833
  4753. A girl, we can be attracted
  4754. to ugly things.
  4755.  
  4756. 1061
  4757. 00:59:46,916 --> 00:59:48,236
  4758. You hear girls all the time like,
  4759.  
  4760. 1062
  4761. 00:59:48,293 --> 00:59:51,337
  4762. "My husband's got this weird tooth
  4763. in the back of his throat, but I love it.
  4764.  
  4765. 1063
  4766. 00:59:51,421 --> 00:59:53,298
  4767. I like to lick on it. I love it.
  4768.  
  4769. 1064
  4770. 00:59:55,216 --> 00:59:57,969
  4771. He's so gross, sometimes he sheds
  4772. all his body hair. I eat that hair.
  4773.  
  4774. 1065
  4775. 00:59:58,052 --> 00:59:59,280
  4776. I love it so much.
  4777.  
  4778. 1066
  4779. 00:59:59,304 --> 01:00:01,264
  4780. I make a pillow, I sleep on it.
  4781.  
  4782. 1067
  4783. 01:00:01,347 --> 01:00:02,347
  4784. I love it.
  4785.  
  4786. 1068
  4787. 01:00:03,016 --> 01:00:04,684
  4788. He's ugly, I'm into it."
  4789.  
  4790. 1069
  4791. 01:00:04,767 --> 01:00:06,185
  4792. You will never hear
  4793.  
  4794. 1070
  4795. 01:00:06,561 --> 01:00:09,105
  4796. a guy be honest
  4797. about his girlfriend being ugly.
  4798.  
  4799. 1071
  4800. 01:00:09,188 --> 01:00:10,648
  4801. 'Cause he doesn't see it.
  4802.  
  4803. 1072
  4804. 01:00:10,732 --> 01:00:12,900
  4805. You'll never hear,
  4806. "Oh, what a blithe existence!"
  4807.  
  4808. 1073
  4809. 01:00:12,984 --> 01:00:16,279
  4810. You'll never hear a man admit
  4811. like, "My girlfriend...
  4812.  
  4813. 1074
  4814. 01:00:24,537 --> 01:00:26,331
  4815. Sorry, I was just thinking
  4816. about her smile.
  4817.  
  4818. 1075
  4819. 01:00:32,295 --> 01:00:34,172
  4820. It's fucked up, but...
  4821.  
  4822. 1076
  4823. 01:00:35,214 --> 01:00:37,425
  4824. ...her punch lines are on fire."
  4825.  
  4826. 1077
  4827. 01:00:42,430 --> 01:00:45,141
  4828. Now you clap, but I noticed
  4829. that your laughter spiked
  4830.  
  4831. 1078
  4832. 01:00:45,224 --> 01:00:47,435
  4833. and then immediately declined...
  4834.  
  4835. 1079
  4836. 01:00:47,518 --> 01:00:49,854
  4837. ...because you're still thinking
  4838. about this woman.
  4839.  
  4840. 1080
  4841. 01:00:56,486 --> 01:00:57,486
  4842. So no veil.
  4843.  
  4844. 1081
  4845. 01:01:00,156 --> 01:01:02,367
  4846. And I did not want a bachelorette party
  4847.  
  4848. 1082
  4849. 01:01:02,742 --> 01:01:06,496
  4850. out at a bar
  4851. for a very specific reason, okay?
  4852.  
  4853. 1083
  4854. 01:01:07,205 --> 01:01:08,205
  4855. I work at night,
  4856.  
  4857. 1084
  4858. 01:01:08,331 --> 01:01:11,876
  4859. so I have seen first-hand the havoc
  4860.  
  4861. 1085
  4862. 01:01:12,418 --> 01:01:16,130
  4863. that can be wreaked
  4864. by an out-of-control bachelorette party.
  4865.  
  4866. 1086
  4867. 01:01:16,255 --> 01:01:17,799
  4868. Okay?
  4869.  
  4870. 1087
  4871. 01:01:20,885 --> 01:01:22,804
  4872. It sounds like that.
  4873.  
  4874. 1088
  4875. 01:01:23,805 --> 01:01:26,891
  4876. I have been there when a zombie horde
  4877.  
  4878. 1089
  4879. 01:01:26,974 --> 01:01:28,184
  4880. comes over the ridge,
  4881.  
  4882. 1090
  4883. 01:01:28,267 --> 01:01:31,396
  4884. fucking kicks in a window
  4885. and makes their nests,
  4886.  
  4887. 1091
  4888. 01:01:31,479 --> 01:01:32,730
  4889. like in my show.
  4890.  
  4891. 1092
  4892. 01:01:32,814 --> 01:01:35,316
  4893. I've been there...
  4894.  
  4895. 1093
  4896. 01:01:35,733 --> 01:01:38,152
  4897. ...when they come in,
  4898. one's missing a fucking femur.
  4899.  
  4900. 1094
  4901. 01:01:41,447 --> 01:01:43,783
  4902. And knowing how out-of-control
  4903. they can get,
  4904.  
  4905. 1095
  4906. 01:01:43,866 --> 01:01:47,286
  4907. I couldn't, in good conscience,
  4908. be that for a fellow night worker.
  4909.  
  4910. 1096
  4911. 01:01:47,370 --> 01:01:50,415
  4912. I couldn't do that to someone else
  4913. who works at night, okay?
  4914.  
  4915. 1097
  4916. 01:01:50,540 --> 01:01:53,167
  4917. Those of us, yes, who work at night!
  4918.  
  4919. 1098
  4920. 01:01:56,254 --> 01:01:58,047
  4921. Those of us who work at night.
  4922.  
  4923. 1099
  4924. 01:01:58,131 --> 01:02:01,634
  4925. DJs, sound mixers, security,
  4926.  
  4927. 1100
  4928. 01:02:01,718 --> 01:02:04,637
  4929. bartenders, waitresses. Yes!
  4930.  
  4931. 1101
  4932. 01:02:05,096 --> 01:02:07,265
  4933. Yes, nighttime scientists, Nashville.
  4934.  
  4935. 1102
  4936. 01:02:07,348 --> 01:02:09,350
  4937. Yes, those of us...
  4938.  
  4939. 1103
  4940. 01:02:09,684 --> 01:02:12,562
  4941. ...who make our wages
  4942. under the cloak of the moon.
  4943.  
  4944. 1104
  4945. 01:02:12,645 --> 01:02:14,522
  4946. I have no friends. Those of us...
  4947.  
  4948. 1105
  4949. 01:02:16,023 --> 01:02:18,401
  4950. ...who work at night know first-hand
  4951.  
  4952. 1106
  4953. 01:02:18,484 --> 01:02:23,114
  4954. what it's like to have to absorb
  4955. a crazy bachelorette party.
  4956.  
  4957. 1107
  4958. 01:02:23,197 --> 01:02:26,117
  4959. Okay? You don't see
  4960. a bachelorette party coming,
  4961.  
  4962. 1108
  4963. 01:02:26,200 --> 01:02:27,452
  4964. you fucking hear it.
  4965.  
  4966. 1109
  4967. 01:02:35,334 --> 01:02:36,586
  4968. And if you're hearing it...
  4969.  
  4970. 1110
  4971. 01:02:37,253 --> 01:02:39,297
  4972. ...it's too late.
  4973.  
  4974. 1111
  4975. 01:02:40,882 --> 01:02:43,092
  4976. They're already here.
  4977.  
  4978. 1112
  4979. 01:02:45,178 --> 01:02:47,805
  4980. So you can imagine
  4981. how unnerving it is for me as a performer.
  4982.  
  4983. 1113
  4984. 01:02:47,889 --> 01:02:49,849
  4985. I'm sitting here.
  4986. I can see the first couple rows,
  4987.  
  4988. 1114
  4989. 01:02:49,891 --> 01:02:51,017
  4990. but the rest is pitch-black.
  4991.  
  4992. 1115
  4993. 01:02:52,435 --> 01:02:55,355
  4994. You can imagine how terrifying that is
  4995. for me, just in the middle of a set
  4996.  
  4997. 1116
  4998. 01:02:55,646 --> 01:02:58,983
  4999. in a sea of strangers and darkness like,
  5000. "And another thing about raccoons..."
  5001.  
  5002. 1117
  5003. 01:02:59,066 --> 01:03:01,611
  5004. "Stacy's getting married!"
  5005.  
  5006. 1118
  5007. 01:03:09,660 --> 01:03:11,454
  5008. I don't know where it's coming from.
  5009.  
  5010. 1119
  5011. 01:03:12,872 --> 01:03:14,749
  5012. Get back. Get back.
  5013.  
  5014. 1120
  5015. 01:03:15,833 --> 01:03:18,961
  5016. Don't shoot till you see
  5017. the whites of their wines.
  5018.  
  5019. 1121
  5020. 01:03:27,053 --> 01:03:29,305
  5021. I want you to know something
  5022. about bachelorette parties.
  5023.  
  5024. 1122
  5025. 01:03:29,388 --> 01:03:32,016
  5026. They are well-versed in the art
  5027. of basic tactical warfare.
  5028.  
  5029. 1123
  5030. 01:03:32,099 --> 01:03:33,434
  5031. Okay?
  5032.  
  5033. 1124
  5034. 01:03:34,143 --> 01:03:35,186
  5035. Bachelorette party knows
  5036.  
  5037. 1125
  5038. 01:03:35,269 --> 01:03:37,730
  5039. that they have you trapped,
  5040. timid, trepidatious.
  5041.  
  5042. 1126
  5043. 01:03:37,814 --> 01:03:39,054
  5044. The three Ts of combat.
  5045.  
  5046. 1127
  5047. 01:03:39,106 --> 01:03:40,666
  5048. They got you right there.
  5049.  
  5050. 1128
  5051. 01:03:41,067 --> 01:03:43,378
  5052. And they know that you don't know
  5053. where they're coming from
  5054.  
  5055. 1129
  5056. 01:03:43,402 --> 01:03:46,155
  5057. and they know that you are expecting
  5058. all of them
  5059.  
  5060. 1130
  5061. 01:03:46,239 --> 01:03:47,740
  5062. to come running in at once.
  5063.  
  5064. 1131
  5065. 01:03:47,824 --> 01:03:50,284
  5066. But a good bachelorette party,
  5067. a good bachelorette army knows
  5068.  
  5069. 1132
  5070. 01:03:50,368 --> 01:03:52,745
  5071. you don't send in all of your troops
  5072. at once.
  5073.  
  5074. 1133
  5075. 01:03:55,248 --> 01:03:59,293
  5076. A well-led bachelorette party understands
  5077. you must send your troops in in waves
  5078.  
  5079. 1134
  5080. 01:03:59,877 --> 01:04:01,254
  5081. so as to exhaust the bar...
  5082.  
  5083. 1135
  5084. 01:04:02,755 --> 01:04:04,423
  5085. ...and deplete it of its resources.
  5086.  
  5087. 1136
  5088. 01:04:05,132 --> 01:04:07,927
  5089. If you are at a bar and you see
  5090. a bunch of girls come running in,
  5091.  
  5092. 1137
  5093. 01:04:08,010 --> 01:04:09,303
  5094. do not be foolish.
  5095.  
  5096. 1138
  5097. 01:04:09,428 --> 01:04:10,596
  5098. That is not the bride.
  5099.  
  5100. 1139
  5101. 01:04:11,222 --> 01:04:12,640
  5102. That is not even the family.
  5103.  
  5104. 1140
  5105. 01:04:12,849 --> 01:04:14,934
  5106. That is her infantry.
  5107.  
  5108. 1141
  5109. 01:04:16,143 --> 01:04:17,478
  5110. These are her bannermen.
  5111.  
  5112. 1142
  5113. 01:04:17,728 --> 01:04:20,314
  5114. They come running in first
  5115. to let the bar know like...
  5116.  
  5117. 1143
  5118. 01:04:20,398 --> 01:04:22,942
  5119. "Stacy's getting married!"
  5120.  
  5121. 1144
  5122. 01:04:25,236 --> 01:04:27,071
  5123. They kick some girls out of a booth.
  5124.  
  5125. 1145
  5126. 01:04:27,154 --> 01:04:28,914
  5127. "This is our territory now.
  5128. Get out of here!"
  5129.  
  5130. 1146
  5131. 01:04:28,948 --> 01:04:30,867
  5132. They set a waitress on fire.
  5133.  
  5134. 1147
  5135. 01:04:35,580 --> 01:04:36,914
  5136. Isn't this amazing?
  5137.  
  5138. 1148
  5139. 01:04:40,626 --> 01:04:42,795
  5140. They put down a debit card
  5141. for the first round.
  5142.  
  5143. 1149
  5144. 01:04:42,879 --> 01:04:45,214
  5145. Get fresh with the table.
  5146.  
  5147. 1150
  5148. 01:04:46,507 --> 01:04:49,468
  5149. These women are not there
  5150. for a good time or a long time.
  5151.  
  5152. 1151
  5153. 01:04:49,552 --> 01:04:50,678
  5154. Okay?
  5155.  
  5156. 1152
  5157. 01:04:51,429 --> 01:04:53,389
  5158. These women are there for one reason.
  5159.  
  5160. 1153
  5161. 01:04:53,472 --> 01:04:55,474
  5162. To establish
  5163. and maintain a region.
  5164.  
  5165. 1154
  5166. 01:04:55,808 --> 01:04:58,185
  5167. That's why they're there.
  5168.  
  5169. 1155
  5170. 01:05:03,524 --> 01:05:06,611
  5171. And they fought valiantly
  5172. and the battlefield has been set.
  5173.  
  5174. 1156
  5175. 01:05:06,694 --> 01:05:09,280
  5176. Now the bar knows
  5177. that it's Stacy's bachelorette party
  5178.  
  5179. 1157
  5180. 01:05:09,363 --> 01:05:10,197
  5181. and what to expect.
  5182.  
  5183. 1158
  5184. 01:05:10,281 --> 01:05:11,532
  5185. The next one to come in
  5186.  
  5187. 1159
  5188. 01:05:12,074 --> 01:05:14,634
  5189. is perhaps the most important one
  5190. of the party, or so she thinks.
  5191.  
  5192. 1160
  5193. 01:05:14,660 --> 01:05:16,287
  5194. This is your General,
  5195.  
  5196. 1161
  5197. 01:05:16,370 --> 01:05:18,998
  5198. otherwise known
  5199. as your maid of honor, Amanda!
  5200.  
  5201. 1162
  5202. 01:05:22,335 --> 01:05:24,253
  5203. I am Stacy's maid of honor.
  5204.  
  5205. 1163
  5206. 01:05:24,837 --> 01:05:27,006
  5207. Many of you know me
  5208. from the Evite comment section
  5209.  
  5210. 1164
  5211. 01:05:27,089 --> 01:05:28,925
  5212. where I've chatted with you briefly.
  5213.  
  5214. 1165
  5215. 01:05:30,801 --> 01:05:32,678
  5216. XOXO.
  5217.  
  5218. 1166
  5219. 01:05:34,472 --> 01:05:37,475
  5220. I am Stacy's best friend
  5221. since the third grade.
  5222.  
  5223. 1167
  5224. 01:05:38,267 --> 01:05:42,146
  5225. A fact I shall lord over many of you
  5226. when I feel left out of a conversation.
  5227.  
  5228. 1168
  5229. 01:05:44,649 --> 01:05:46,067
  5230. She is my best friend.
  5231.  
  5232. 1169
  5233. 01:05:46,150 --> 01:05:48,527
  5234. We've been to Cancún upwards
  5235. of five times.
  5236.  
  5237. 1170
  5238. 01:05:49,862 --> 01:05:52,257
  5239. I've sat in the hotel room
  5240. many a night while she's been out,
  5241.  
  5242. 1171
  5243. 01:05:52,281 --> 01:05:54,841
  5244. making out with hot dudes
  5245. and promises to tell me about it later.
  5246.  
  5247. 1172
  5248. 01:05:55,034 --> 01:05:56,160
  5249. I am the best friend.
  5250.  
  5251. 1173
  5252. 01:05:58,412 --> 01:05:59,747
  5253. She is the one to be married,
  5254.  
  5255. 1174
  5256. 01:05:59,830 --> 01:06:02,291
  5257. but in many ways,
  5258. I feel like tonight is about me.
  5259.  
  5260. 1175
  5261. 01:06:05,544 --> 01:06:08,673
  5262. I have set up all of this.
  5263. I have made all the reservations.
  5264.  
  5265. 1176
  5266. 01:06:08,756 --> 01:06:10,341
  5267. I am the one you will follow
  5268.  
  5269. 1177
  5270. 01:06:10,633 --> 01:06:12,468
  5271. and before we ride into battle,
  5272.  
  5273. 1178
  5274. 01:06:12,635 --> 01:06:15,596
  5275. I need each of you to Venmo me $50.
  5276.  
  5277. 1179
  5278. 01:06:15,680 --> 01:06:16,931
  5279. Will you ride with me?
  5280.  
  5281. 1180
  5282. 01:06:25,189 --> 01:06:27,274
  5283. It was $40, but Megan's not feeling well
  5284.  
  5285. 1181
  5286. 01:06:27,358 --> 01:06:28,484
  5287. and she just canceled.
  5288.  
  5289. 1182
  5290. 01:06:30,653 --> 01:06:32,822
  5291. Before the festivities begin,
  5292.  
  5293. 1183
  5294. 01:06:32,905 --> 01:06:35,700
  5295. I wish to open with a quote
  5296. from General Patton.
  5297.  
  5298. 1184
  5299. 01:06:36,200 --> 01:06:38,577
  5300. To go bravely... Morgan.
  5301.  
  5302. 1185
  5303. 01:06:38,786 --> 01:06:41,872
  5304. Morgan, Morgan, Morgan.
  5305. Drink some fucking water, I'm not joking.
  5306.  
  5307. 1186
  5308. 01:06:41,956 --> 01:06:43,332
  5309. Heyah!
  5310.  
  5311. 1187
  5312. 01:06:45,793 --> 01:06:48,879
  5313. The bartender's like,
  5314. "You can't have a horse in here."
  5315.  
  5316. 1188
  5317. 01:06:52,925 --> 01:06:54,051
  5318. Very well, then.
  5319.  
  5320. 1189
  5321. 01:06:55,803 --> 01:06:58,073
  5322. If I give you my phone,
  5323. will you charge it behind the bar?
  5324.  
  5325. 1190
  5326. 01:06:58,097 --> 01:06:59,974
  5327. No, okay. Heyah!
  5328.  
  5329. 1191
  5330. 01:07:06,731 --> 01:07:08,149
  5331. The time has come.
  5332.  
  5333. 1192
  5334. 01:07:08,733 --> 01:07:10,401
  5335. She is about to arrive.
  5336.  
  5337. 1193
  5338. 01:07:26,917 --> 01:07:30,046
  5339. They all begin to scream.
  5340. "She's getting married."
  5341.  
  5342. 1194
  5343. 01:07:34,842 --> 01:07:36,177
  5344. We know.
  5345.  
  5346. 1195
  5347. 01:07:36,552 --> 01:07:38,220
  5348. Bachelorette partygoers of the world,
  5349.  
  5350. 1196
  5351. 01:07:38,304 --> 01:07:39,138
  5352. we know!
  5353.  
  5354. 1197
  5355. 01:07:39,221 --> 01:07:41,766
  5356. Quit screaming, you fucking banshee.
  5357.  
  5358. 1198
  5359. 01:07:42,850 --> 01:07:45,227
  5360. We know she's getting married,
  5361. we can tell,
  5362.  
  5363. 1199
  5364. 01:07:45,311 --> 01:07:47,897
  5365. because she's covered in dicks.
  5366.  
  5367. 1200
  5368. 01:07:59,325 --> 01:08:02,495
  5369. Why? What is this West African
  5370. shaming ritual?
  5371.  
  5372. 1201
  5373. 01:08:03,829 --> 01:08:05,706
  5374. What is that? Why are we doing that?
  5375.  
  5376. 1202
  5377. 01:08:06,082 --> 01:08:07,750
  5378. Why are we, every night in America,
  5379.  
  5380. 1203
  5381. 01:08:07,833 --> 01:08:11,796
  5382. drenching our women
  5383. in teeny-weeny Party City peeny?
  5384.  
  5385. 1204
  5386. 01:08:14,840 --> 01:08:16,383
  5387. I know what your friends will say.
  5388.  
  5389. 1205
  5390. 01:08:16,467 --> 01:08:19,428
  5391. "It's 'cause we love her.
  5392. We love her so much. She's amazing."
  5393.  
  5394. 1206
  5395. 01:08:19,720 --> 01:08:23,140
  5396. Dicks! Dicks! Wear these dicks!
  5397. Be a dick! Eat a dick!
  5398.  
  5399. 1207
  5400. 01:08:23,224 --> 01:08:24,975
  5401. My issue...
  5402.  
  5403. 1208
  5404. 01:08:28,145 --> 01:08:31,065
  5405. ...is not the ritualistic shrouding
  5406. of women
  5407.  
  5408. 1209
  5409. 01:08:31,148 --> 01:08:33,776
  5410. in tiny, plastic commemorative penii.
  5411.  
  5412. 1210
  5413. 01:08:36,237 --> 01:08:38,614
  5414. My issue is merely
  5415. the lack of reciprocity
  5416.  
  5417. 1211
  5418. 01:08:39,198 --> 01:08:40,449
  5419. at a bachelor party.
  5420.  
  5421. 1212
  5422. 01:08:47,832 --> 01:08:50,000
  5423. I've never seen a bachelor party
  5424.  
  5425. 1213
  5426. 01:08:50,084 --> 01:08:53,170
  5427. like, "Joey's getting married,
  5428. everybody put on your snootch-hat."
  5429.  
  5430. 1214
  5431. 01:09:09,520 --> 01:09:13,566
  5432. "It's so tight, bro.
  5433.  
  5434. 1215
  5435. 01:09:13,941 --> 01:09:16,443
  5436. Isn't it crazy how no matter
  5437. how many times you wear them,
  5438.  
  5439. 1216
  5440. 01:09:16,527 --> 01:09:17,927
  5441. they never lose their elasticity...
  5442.  
  5443. 1217
  5444. 01:09:17,987 --> 01:09:20,614
  5445. ...although we tell women that,
  5446.  
  5447. 1218
  5448. 01:09:20,948 --> 01:09:23,492
  5449. to shame them
  5450. out of exploring their sexuality?"
  5451.  
  5452. 1219
  5453. 01:09:33,752 --> 01:09:35,796
  5454. Of all the things I did not want to do
  5455.  
  5456. 1220
  5457. 01:09:36,255 --> 01:09:38,591
  5458. for my wedding,
  5459. the one thing we ended up doing
  5460.  
  5461. 1221
  5462. 01:09:38,674 --> 01:09:41,010
  5463. was they had a bachelorette party
  5464. at a bar for me.
  5465.  
  5466. 1222
  5467. 01:09:41,093 --> 01:09:44,847
  5468. Obviously, I'm not gonna
  5469. have a party at a library. So...
  5470.  
  5471. 1223
  5472. 01:09:46,390 --> 01:09:48,535
  5473. ...we had this bachelorette party
  5474. at a bar and we went.
  5475.  
  5476. 1224
  5477. 01:09:48,559 --> 01:09:52,021
  5478. And I had about four
  5479. or five women with me and...
  5480.  
  5481. 1225
  5482. 01:09:52,605 --> 01:09:55,191
  5483. I know I should have been
  5484. just like going crazy and getting drunk
  5485.  
  5486. 1226
  5487. 01:09:55,274 --> 01:09:57,443
  5488. and having a crazy time
  5489. but I'm a sentimental person
  5490.  
  5491. 1227
  5492. 01:09:57,693 --> 01:10:00,696
  5493. and I'm a thinker
  5494. and I was looking at these girls,
  5495.  
  5496. 1228
  5497. 01:10:00,779 --> 01:10:03,365
  5498. these women that some of whom
  5499. I was related to,
  5500.  
  5501. 1229
  5502. 01:10:03,449 --> 01:10:05,242
  5503. the rest of whom
  5504. I've known my entire life.
  5505.  
  5506. 1230
  5507. 01:10:05,326 --> 01:10:09,663
  5508. I've seen relationships come and go
  5509. and jobs and heartbreak and death
  5510.  
  5511. 1231
  5512. 01:10:09,747 --> 01:10:13,000
  5513. and all of the landmarks
  5514. and all the things that make us human
  5515.  
  5516. 1232
  5517. 01:10:13,083 --> 01:10:16,295
  5518. and I was with these girls and I realized
  5519. that we had all been single,
  5520.  
  5521. 1233
  5522. 01:10:16,378 --> 01:10:18,005
  5523. we had all been on a journey together,
  5524.  
  5525. 1234
  5526. 01:10:18,088 --> 01:10:21,383
  5527. and for me that part of my journey
  5528. with them stopped that night.
  5529.  
  5530. 1235
  5531. 01:10:21,759 --> 01:10:24,428
  5532. I can still go to bars,
  5533. if my husband says it's okay.
  5534.  
  5535. 1236
  5536. 01:10:26,555 --> 01:10:28,849
  5537. But like we've been going out
  5538. for like a decade together,
  5539.  
  5540. 1237
  5541. 01:10:28,933 --> 01:10:30,813
  5542. like looking for a good time,
  5543. looking for a guy.
  5544.  
  5545. 1238
  5546. 01:10:30,851 --> 01:10:32,186
  5547. And like, that was it for me.
  5548.  
  5549. 1239
  5550. 01:10:32,269 --> 01:10:34,456
  5551. And I thought that...
  5552. I get goosebumps thinking about it
  5553.  
  5554. 1240
  5555. 01:10:34,480 --> 01:10:36,982
  5556. because like that chapter of my life
  5557. was closed that night
  5558.  
  5559. 1241
  5560. 01:10:37,316 --> 01:10:41,946
  5561. and I think that there's something
  5562. very poetic about the notion
  5563.  
  5564. 1242
  5565. 01:10:42,279 --> 01:10:45,532
  5566. that your bachelorette party,
  5567. you are in effect
  5568.  
  5569. 1243
  5570. 01:10:46,283 --> 01:10:50,246
  5571. picking up the ashen, lifeless body
  5572. of your singlehood...
  5573.  
  5574. 1244
  5575. 01:10:52,623 --> 01:10:55,417
  5576. ...and laying it to rest
  5577. where it was born.
  5578.  
  5579. 1245
  5580. 01:10:59,838 --> 01:11:01,423
  5581. In a shitty bar.
  5582.  
  5583. 1246
  5584. 01:11:10,849 --> 01:11:13,049
  5585. And it's not that I would never be
  5586. at another bar again,
  5587.  
  5588. 1247
  5589. 01:11:13,102 --> 01:11:15,729
  5590. but I would never be
  5591. at another bar unmarried.
  5592.  
  5593. 1248
  5594. 01:11:15,813 --> 01:11:16,647
  5595. I mean, I don't know
  5596.  
  5597. 1249
  5598. 01:11:16,730 --> 01:11:18,857
  5599. but I would never be...
  5600.  
  5601. 1250
  5602. 01:11:19,483 --> 01:11:21,151
  5603. I would never be... at that time,
  5604.  
  5605. 1251
  5606. 01:11:21,235 --> 01:11:22,486
  5607. like, that was it for me.
  5608.  
  5609. 1252
  5610. 01:11:22,569 --> 01:11:25,030
  5611. And I looked around the room
  5612. and there was a group of girls,
  5613.  
  5614. 1253
  5615. 01:11:25,114 --> 01:11:26,949
  5616. same amount as us, in their 20s.
  5617.  
  5618. 1254
  5619. 01:11:27,032 --> 01:11:28,117
  5620. And they were over there.
  5621.  
  5622. 1255
  5623. 01:11:29,118 --> 01:11:31,245
  5624. They looked amazing
  5625. and they were over there
  5626.  
  5627. 1256
  5628. 01:11:31,745 --> 01:11:33,665
  5629. and I was just staring at them.
  5630. And they're like,
  5631.  
  5632. 1257
  5633. 01:11:33,747 --> 01:11:35,749
  5634. "Who's that old lady staring at us?"
  5635.  
  5636. 1258
  5637. 01:11:36,208 --> 01:11:39,503
  5638. Because they were us
  5639. and I remember so fondly
  5640.  
  5641. 1259
  5642. 01:11:40,045 --> 01:11:43,757
  5643. being that age and going out
  5644. and all the trappings of it.
  5645.  
  5646. 1260
  5647. 01:11:43,841 --> 01:11:46,719
  5648. I know so much about it, I wrote
  5649. four fucking Netflix specials about it.
  5650.  
  5651. 1261
  5652. 01:11:47,720 --> 01:11:49,513
  5653. And that was over.
  5654.  
  5655. 1262
  5656. 01:11:52,141 --> 01:11:56,061
  5657. And I was reflecting on
  5658. those years versus these years
  5659.  
  5660. 1263
  5661. 01:11:56,145 --> 01:11:57,229
  5662. as you get older.
  5663.  
  5664. 1264
  5665. 01:11:57,313 --> 01:11:59,606
  5666. In your 20s, you should just know,
  5667.  
  5668. 1265
  5669. 01:11:59,690 --> 01:12:02,276
  5670. you will never be as close
  5671. to other people,
  5672.  
  5673. 1266
  5674. 01:12:02,401 --> 01:12:04,278
  5675. let alone other women,
  5676. as you are in your 20s.
  5677.  
  5678. 1267
  5679. 01:12:04,361 --> 01:12:06,488
  5680. You will have good friends.
  5681. You will have book clubs.
  5682.  
  5683. 1268
  5684. 01:12:06,572 --> 01:12:08,372
  5685. You will have all this stuff
  5686. as you get older,
  5687.  
  5688. 1269
  5689. 01:12:08,407 --> 01:12:11,744
  5690. but in your 20s, you've just
  5691. come out of high school or college.
  5692.  
  5693. 1270
  5694. 01:12:11,827 --> 01:12:15,456
  5695. You're very close to the realms
  5696. of academia and you are hive-minded.
  5697.  
  5698. 1271
  5699. 01:12:15,581 --> 01:12:17,666
  5700. So you are in each other's shit,
  5701. you know everything.
  5702.  
  5703. 1272
  5704. 01:12:17,750 --> 01:12:20,670
  5705. "I know who texted... He's my boyfriend,
  5706. I know who you are, who you like.
  5707.  
  5708. 1273
  5709. 01:12:20,711 --> 01:12:23,881
  5710. I like you, you're my best friend.
  5711. Matching dove tattoos. Make 'em fuck.
  5712.  
  5713. 1274
  5714. 01:12:23,964 --> 01:12:25,841
  5715. Dove tattoos. Right there.
  5716.  
  5717. 1275
  5718. 01:12:25,924 --> 01:12:27,319
  5719. You're my best friend.
  5720.  
  5721. 1276
  5722. 01:12:27,343 --> 01:12:28,427
  5723. I love you so much."
  5724.  
  5725. 1277
  5726. 01:12:28,510 --> 01:12:31,847
  5727. And boys ask you dumb questions that you
  5728. tolerate 'cause you don't know any better.
  5729.  
  5730. 1278
  5731. 01:12:31,930 --> 01:12:34,933
  5732. When you're in your 20s, boys will ask,
  5733. "How many guys you slept with?"
  5734.  
  5735. 1279
  5736. 01:12:35,351 --> 01:12:39,188
  5737. Nobody asks you that in your 30s
  5738. because the answer is gross.
  5739.  
  5740. 1280
  5741. 01:12:45,819 --> 01:12:46,653
  5742. She's in the back.
  5743.  
  5744. 1281
  5745. 01:12:46,737 --> 01:12:49,114
  5746. "I've slept with so many dudes. I dunno.
  5747.  
  5748. 1282
  5749. 01:12:50,449 --> 01:12:51,700
  5750. I feel empowered."
  5751.  
  5752. 1283
  5753. 01:12:55,120 --> 01:12:58,123
  5754. But in your 20s, you're right there
  5755. and you're in that mentality,
  5756.  
  5757. 1284
  5758. 01:12:58,207 --> 01:13:00,125
  5759. you're so intertwined
  5760. and you make packs like,
  5761.  
  5762. 1285
  5763. 01:13:00,209 --> 01:13:02,490
  5764. "We're going out together.
  5765. I don't care if you meet a boy.
  5766.  
  5767. 1286
  5768. 01:13:02,544 --> 01:13:04,464
  5769. We're going home together.
  5770. You're my best friend.
  5771.  
  5772. 1287
  5773. 01:13:04,505 --> 01:13:06,065
  5774. Hold my hand. We're going out together.
  5775.  
  5776. 1288
  5777. 01:13:06,131 --> 01:13:07,341
  5778. Tie your hand to mine.
  5779.  
  5780. 1289
  5781. 01:13:07,424 --> 01:13:09,986
  5782. My best friend. I'm a Sagittarius,
  5783. you're a Pisces. How's it work?
  5784.  
  5785. 1290
  5786. 01:13:10,010 --> 01:13:11,845
  5787. Dunno, it just does.
  5788. Text me when you're home.
  5789.  
  5790. 1291
  5791. 01:13:11,929 --> 01:13:14,032
  5792. That's right, we're home,
  5793. we live together. Roll over.
  5794.  
  5795. 1292
  5796. 01:13:14,056 --> 01:13:15,736
  5797. You're my best friend.
  5798. You're right there."
  5799.  
  5800. 1293
  5801. 01:13:17,184 --> 01:13:19,770
  5802. People shit on women
  5803. for some reason being 30.
  5804.  
  5805. 1294
  5806. 01:13:19,853 --> 01:13:21,453
  5807. I understand
  5808. there's the whole egg issue,
  5809.  
  5810. 1295
  5811. 01:13:21,480 --> 01:13:23,148
  5812. but society is not kind.
  5813.  
  5814. 1296
  5815. 01:13:23,232 --> 01:13:25,025
  5816. They're not kind to women
  5817. as they get older.
  5818.  
  5819. 1297
  5820. 01:13:25,109 --> 01:13:27,069
  5821. Men, shitty men,
  5822. not the good ones that are here,
  5823.  
  5824. 1298
  5825. 01:13:27,152 --> 01:13:28,946
  5826. don't like it as women age.
  5827.  
  5828. 1299
  5829. 01:13:29,029 --> 01:13:31,469
  5830. And I gotta believe it's less
  5831. about the fact that you're older
  5832.  
  5833. 1300
  5834. 01:13:31,532 --> 01:13:33,532
  5835. and it's more about the fact
  5836. that when you're older
  5837.  
  5838. 1301
  5839. 01:13:33,575 --> 01:13:36,370
  5840. you don't put up with bullshit
  5841. and they don't like that.
  5842.  
  5843. 1302
  5844. 01:13:36,453 --> 01:13:37,913
  5845. They don't like it.
  5846.  
  5847. 1303
  5848. 01:13:39,123 --> 01:13:41,959
  5849. Smart guys don't have any bullshit.
  5850.  
  5851. 1304
  5852. 01:13:44,128 --> 01:13:45,963
  5853. I was at a bar the other night,
  5854.  
  5855. 1305
  5856. 01:13:46,046 --> 01:13:47,464
  5857. some guy walked up, he goes, "Hey."
  5858.  
  5859. 1306
  5860. 01:13:47,548 --> 01:13:50,175
  5861. I was like, "I don't buy it."
  5862. And I just walked away.
  5863.  
  5864. 1307
  5865. 01:13:52,094 --> 01:13:54,847
  5866. But moreover, you're close
  5867. and you're a cluster of girls
  5868.  
  5869. 1308
  5870. 01:13:54,930 --> 01:13:57,200
  5871. and you go out together
  5872. and no matter what plans you make,
  5873.  
  5874. 1309
  5875. 01:13:57,224 --> 01:13:59,977
  5876. there's always that one girlfriend
  5877. that breaks away from the pack.
  5878.  
  5879. 1310
  5880. 01:14:00,060 --> 01:14:03,180
  5881. You're like, "We're here for safety."
  5882. She's like, "I'm just gonna talk to him."
  5883.  
  5884. 1311
  5885. 01:14:04,815 --> 01:14:06,900
  5886. Some fucking idiot with the dumbest line,
  5887.  
  5888. 1312
  5889. 01:14:06,984 --> 01:14:08,784
  5890. but you're in your 20s,
  5891. so you'll listen to it
  5892.  
  5893. 1313
  5894. 01:14:08,819 --> 01:14:10,362
  5895. 'cause you haven't lived a life yet.
  5896.  
  5897. 1314
  5898. 01:14:10,446 --> 01:14:12,646
  5899. "I'm just gonna talk to him."
  5900. He's like, "Yeah, come on.
  5901.  
  5902. 1315
  5903. 01:14:12,698 --> 01:14:15,242
  5904. I'll tell you about my company,
  5905. Herbalife, let's go. I run..."
  5906.  
  5907. 1316
  5908. 01:14:17,828 --> 01:14:19,455
  5909. And she's not making your job easier.
  5910.  
  5911. 1317
  5912. 01:14:19,538 --> 01:14:22,124
  5913. You're also out to meet a guy,
  5914. to have fun, to have a life,
  5915.  
  5916. 1318
  5917. 01:14:22,207 --> 01:14:24,087
  5918. and you're like,
  5919. "Get back here, Cassandra. No."
  5920.  
  5921. 1319
  5922. 01:14:24,126 --> 01:14:26,962
  5923. And you have to endure
  5924. this fucking piece of shit being like,
  5925.  
  5926. 1320
  5927. 01:14:27,045 --> 01:14:30,132
  5928. "Why are you being such bitches?"
  5929. But you wanna protect your girlfriend.
  5930.  
  5931. 1321
  5932. 01:14:30,215 --> 01:14:32,134
  5933. You're like, "Get back here,
  5934. she's not awake.
  5935.  
  5936. 1322
  5937. 01:14:32,217 --> 01:14:34,261
  5938. Come here. Come here."
  5939.  
  5940. 1323
  5941. 01:14:34,928 --> 01:14:36,180
  5942. We will do anything.
  5943.  
  5944. 1324
  5945. 01:14:36,263 --> 01:14:39,683
  5946. When you're younger, we will form
  5947. a phalanx around a fallen girl like...
  5948.  
  5949. 1325
  5950. 01:14:45,189 --> 01:14:46,899
  5951. Sorry.
  5952.  
  5953. 1326
  5954. 01:14:56,742 --> 01:14:58,785
  5955. That noise right there
  5956. is the anti-mating call
  5957.  
  5958. 1327
  5959. 01:14:58,869 --> 01:15:00,829
  5960. of 20-something girls everywhere.
  5961.  
  5962. 1328
  5963. 01:15:01,413 --> 01:15:04,708
  5964. "Sorry." That's right, girls,
  5965. before there was <i>RuPaul's Drag Race...</i>
  5966.  
  5967. 1329
  5968. 01:15:04,791 --> 01:15:06,835
  5969. ..."bye", there was "sorry."
  5970.  
  5971. 1330
  5972. 01:15:09,087 --> 01:15:11,465
  5973. It's us protecting a girl
  5974. who can't protect ourselves.
  5975.  
  5976. 1331
  5977. 01:15:11,548 --> 01:15:14,301
  5978. Now, I wish I could tell you that
  5979. that action is solely altruistic
  5980.  
  5981. 1332
  5982. 01:15:14,384 --> 01:15:16,887
  5983. and when we do it,
  5984. it's just for the benefit of that girl.
  5985.  
  5986. 1333
  5987. 01:15:16,970 --> 01:15:19,515
  5988. Unfortunately, oftentimes,
  5989. the subtext of,
  5990.  
  5991. 1334
  5992. 01:15:19,598 --> 01:15:22,684
  5993. "You can't have her" is
  5994. "because you didn't want me."
  5995.  
  5996. 1335
  5997. 01:15:22,768 --> 01:15:24,728
  5998. But that's a whole other lecture...
  5999.  
  6000. 1336
  6001. 01:15:24,770 --> 01:15:25,896
  6002. ...and special.
  6003.  
  6004. 1337
  6005. 01:15:29,858 --> 01:15:32,778
  6006. In closing, girls, enjoy the sovereignty
  6007.  
  6008. 1338
  6009. 01:15:33,070 --> 01:15:35,322
  6010. of the protection of other women
  6011. when you're in your 20s
  6012.  
  6013. 1339
  6014. 01:15:35,405 --> 01:15:37,032
  6015. 'cause guess what, chickens?
  6016.  
  6017. 1340
  6018. 01:15:37,115 --> 01:15:40,118
  6019. After 30, it's not that we don't love you,
  6020.  
  6021. 1341
  6022. 01:15:40,244 --> 01:15:41,954
  6023. haven't spent a lifetime with you,
  6024.  
  6025. 1342
  6026. 01:15:42,079 --> 01:15:45,749
  6027. it's that we're sick
  6028. and tired of your bullshit, Jamie!
  6029.  
  6030. 1343
  6031. 01:15:45,874 --> 01:15:49,294
  6032. We're tired of following you around,
  6033. looking for you at bars,
  6034.  
  6035. 1344
  6036. 01:15:49,378 --> 01:15:51,018
  6037. when we should be out
  6038. doing our own thing.
  6039.  
  6040. 1345
  6041. 01:15:51,046 --> 01:15:54,216
  6042. We're exhausted,
  6043. our patience has run thin,
  6044.  
  6045. 1346
  6046. 01:15:54,299 --> 01:15:56,677
  6047. so is this delicate under-eye skin
  6048. I'm finding out.
  6049.  
  6050. 1347
  6051. 01:15:56,760 --> 01:15:58,053
  6052. We're tired.
  6053.  
  6054. 1348
  6055. 01:15:58,136 --> 01:16:00,389
  6056. After 30, we are not your keepers anymore.
  6057.  
  6058. 1349
  6059. 01:16:00,472 --> 01:16:02,599
  6060. After 30, we're gonna be like...
  6061.  
  6062. 1350
  6063. 01:16:02,683 --> 01:16:06,562
  6064. "Go with him!
  6065. We want to see what happens."
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