I want to tell you that I'm sorry for dumping you so fast. It's just that when you told me that you would try to talk me out of high voltage, I immediately felt awkward because high voltage is a huge part of my life, and is too for thousands of other people. It happens to be a dangerous hobby, yes, but as long as one uses common sense, one can avoid most of the danger. It's not the other boy. I really couldn't care less if I didn't get to be with him. I'm sorry if you thought it to be that way, I'm really awkward with relationships and social situations, but the main reason I was abrupt is that I didn't want you to become too attached to me before I had to tell you that if you aren't ready to accept my electricity hobby, I can't be your girlfriend, and needed to end it abruptly because of it. I did it so abruptly because it would have hurt you more if I had waited, and I'm really really bad at telling things over a period of time. It's just that... high voltage, at least the acceptance of it, is the number one requirement of my relationships, and I even said for the past two years everywhere that if he/she won't tolerate high voltage, I'm dumping them right then and there. I'm very sorry if I hurt your feelings and if you took it the wrong way. I'd also like to let you know that I haven't engaged in my pica or shocked myself for the past 8 months, and when I told you about it, I was telling it to you in the past tense (technically would be past subjunctive but, besides the point). It really hurt ME that you took it the wrong way and I felt really bad, and I've been trying to find time to actually write an explanation out to explain why I did what I did. I really do miss you, and I'm sorry that I hurt you. Even if you don't want to be friends or girlfriends anymore, I felt as if an apology was due, and if you still want to forget about me, that's fine too, but I hate leaving off on a sour note. and I am legitimately sorry that my awkwardness hurt your feelings. Please forgive me.


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Hey...



So I'm under the impression that you emailed me because you want to get back together in some way, shape, or form. If this is incorrect, just know that I accept your apology and ignore the rest of this email.



I do really miss you. I miss the way I could tell you anything and everything. I miss how enthusiastic you would get about science. I miss your sense of humor. I even kind of miss how you scared me at times. I want to give us another chance, but understand that this is a very cautious second try and quite a few things stand in the way.

1. I never said I was going to try to talk you out of your interests. You just asked me what I thought and I was honest with you about my feelings. The way it felt like you put words in my mouth there was one of the reasons I thought you were just trumping something up as an excuse to get out of the relationship, and it was one of the reasons I got annoyed and told you I didn't want to be with you anymore. Especially considering I think this is possibly the fourth time I've had to clarify this to you. I'm done trying to "fix" people. I've done that before in relationships and it never ended well. Whether I can accept your hobby is something I need more information to decide, but trust me, I'll either decide that I want to be with you so badly that it's a quirk I can overlook, or I'll decide that it's just too big of a problem and agree that we shouldn't be together, but I won’t try to stop you.

2. Like I said earlier, I need more information. I can’t really form an opinion on what you’re doing, because I DON’T KNOW what you’re doing. It seems like every time we talk about it, the story changes. I thought you were electrocuting yourself; hopefully you can understand why I’d be concerned. Please explain to me exactly what activities I was expected to be accepting of. What is the worst possible thing that could happen? How likely is that going to happen if you keep doing it? And are you taking reasonable measures to protect yourself? Maybe it’s my fault that I never took enough of an interest in your life to find out, but you asked me what I think of high voltage, and I don’t know what the hell “high voltage” means. I didn’t bother to get details right before we broke up because I thought “Whatever you’re doing, just be safe” was going to be the end of the conversation, and I would be able to find out later. I didn’t expect such a commonplace answer to result in us breaking up. And like I said when I told you I didn’t want to be with you anymore, understand that acceptance and concern aren’t mutually exclusive. If your hobby or fetish or whatever is even slightly dangerous, I’m going to be concerned about you BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU. I’d be concerned if you took up a contact sport. I’d be concerned if you got into horseback riding. I’m going to be concerned when you start driving. Most of me is going to be happy that you’re doing something you love, and if you didn’t want to do it, you wouldn’t be the person I enjoy so much, but at the same time, there is always going to be a little piece of me that wishes you wouldn’t do anything that puts yourself one step closer to getting hurt. Just what are you doing? Are you just watching current arcs? Because that actually sounds kind of cool. For all you know, I could share this with you; I don’t know.

3. What is the deal with the other boy? You said that he isn’t the reason you wanted to break up with me, but he’s kind of the reason I broke up with you. I said I wasn’t going to be your plan B, and I stand by that. If I knew him too, and I liked him too, and we were all just mutually polyamorous, maybe it could work, but I’m not going to be “one of your partners”. That sounds really impersonal not to mention extremely tedious. No, you can’t have your cake and eat it too. And I don’t want to be friends. Like I’ve said before, I have enough friends. Now, forgive me if I’m being presumptuous, but given the timing of your email, I get the feeling it didn’t pan out between you two. I mean your apology was only a paragraph long. Maybe it really does take you over a month to craft a paragraph worth of an apology, but my guess is something changed that made you realize you needed to apologize. And I think if you were happy with him, you would have forgotten about me. Knowing you, I’m thinking that even if he’s a perfectly nice guy, you can’t talk to him like you could talk to me; you don’t tell him your most intimate secrets like you told me. Or maybe I’m just being arrogant. Well anyway, I hate to give you a cliché ultimatum, but if you are still with him, and you want to get back together with me, you need to make a choice. And this isn’t about sex. If you’re attracted to him, that’s fine; knowing you, I’d be surprised if that was the case, but it’s fine. I think we’ve pretty clearly established that I’m attracted to other people, and given the opportunity, I won’t think twice about acting on that, so I’d be a hypocrite and delusional to expect you to stay faithful to me in that respect. Especially considering I’m halfway across the country; wanting you to turn down any other means of physical fulfillment when I can’t even touch you would just be cruel. No, my problem is that where we left off, he was essentially your boyfriend. I’m not willing to try and split you fifty-fifty with him because I know for a fact right now that that would fail. If we had a relationship like that, you would ultimately prefer one to the other, and one of us would be stuck as this awkward third wheel who by then, might have developed very strong feelings for you. And I would feel like a chump if I stuck it out because I hoped you’d pick me. That sounds incredibly tedious and pathetic. I’ve been in relationships where I ended up begging for attention, and it’s total bullshit; I’m not doing that again. I don’t think I’m a particularly jealous or bold to ask that I be the only one you call your “partner”, so that that title will actually mean anything. So I need to know what’s going on with him.

4.  I’m sorry, but that entire thing about you not wanting me to get too attached to you really sounds like bullshit. You’re not the kind of person to make excuses on purpose, but I think you might be doing it subconsciously. I’m just saying that that little segment sounds more like the premise for a crappy pop song than an actual explanation for your behavior. Sorry, I just think you missed the point pretty badly. I’m not mad that you broke up with me without sleeping on it first – well, okay, a little, but that’s besides the point – whether you can make decisions like this without much contemplation is a judgment call on your end. What irks me is how short the actual break up discussion itself was. The reason articles one and two of this email are as long as they are is because I really don’t feel like you heard my side of the story. If you were fair to me about any issues we were having initially, I highly suspect I wouldn’t still have these questions. That’s why I thought you were leaving me for that boy. You went to so little trouble to figure out if we could get over our problems – or even clarify that we had a problem – it came across as being eager to get out of the relationship. And this brings me to point number five.

5. It was nice of you to apologize, but your email did a great job of highlighting the serious problem that it doesn’t seem like you listen to me. That, or you don’t understand me. I find myself restating A LOT of what I said when we broke up, and I think I was pretty clear the first time, but you are still saying things that leave me under the impression that you’re missing a lot of my point. And unlike the other concerns I’ve voiced in this email, I don’t have any ideas on how to fix this. All I can say is that if you can’t start to get a better grip on what I’m trying to tell you when we have a problem, we’re not right for each other.

Okay, so I guess that’s about it. Like I said, whether you wanted to get back together or seriously all you meant to do was apologize was kind of ambiguous from the tone of your email. But considering that you only chose to do so now lead me to believe you want me back. But you know what? If I’m wrong about this, then let me be the arrogant bitch who thinks she’s so special, she reads a simple apology as an invitation to get back together; let there be no second guessing that leaving me was a good idea. But if I am right in thinking that this was a little more than an apology, I’m willing to try to make it work again, and I await your response.

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I'm going to organize this the way you did, but I'll put a point out first: I really do want to get back together with you. Though I really do find your obsession with Merchant rather odd, I can deal with it.

1. I'm sorry if I was so abrupt and that my e-mail was short. I'd have made it longer, but I'm pressed on time due to the AP exam for me on Thursday and such. I'm really sorry if it came out to you as an excuse to break up. It's just that, the way you made it sound, its just that... it kinda scared me a little that I would have to give up my biggest hobby that takes up my life a bit less than Portal does. And please understand that I've never had friends up till the beginning of this year, and have no idea how to handle social situations because I've never been in them before. And you are my first relationship... and I dunno, I'm super socially awkward, and to say... "a bad lover." It took me a month to realize how much I really did care for you, and how much I missed you. I may have a high IQ but my EQ is in the Asperger's range. It's not diagnosed, but I guarantee you I have Aspergers, so please forgive my awkwardness.

And about high voltage hobby. www.4hv.org. That's a high voltage forum. If you browse the posts, you get an idea about it. Yes, it's definitely something to be concerned about, but so is virtually any other hobby. Please understand that no matter what, I'll always love high voltage. High voltage is what it is: voltages above the normal 110 volts we get... plus some zeroes. It may be scary at first, and it really is! until you actually step into a faraday cage with millions of volts arcing around you while the arcs themselves play music!
Matter of fact, I got one of my friends (he's my best friend, but not my boyfriend. He's a little too old for that) to play the transposed track of "Halls of Science" (that I turned into a midi) on a Tesla Coil, at least, part of the song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0xdQ4ZI2hM It's somewhere in there. And that's what I'll eventually be doing. High voltage is a passion, and it runs in my blood. My dad used to work with it, and I didn't know it until a year after I got into the hobby on October 12, 2010. It is very dangerous, but at least it's original. I'm literally one of probably 10 girls in the world that like the hobby, and that's being generous. The rest of the few thousand are guys.


2. Yes, I DO have an electricity fetish. But I stopped doing the things dangerously. From now on, I'm not going to shock myself intentionally unless I have a designated electroplay toy, such as a Violet Wand, and those are perfectly safe. I'm quite ready to give up electricity theme in bed for a Portal theme, and I know you'd readily take the Portal theme. Far as the fetish goes, literally millions of people are into it, and so long as one doesn't kludge together something like I did (and stopped because I quite scared myself with the amount of current I went to) they should be fine, and matter of fact, quite healthy because e-stim is proven to improve muscle function.

Then there's the HOBBY side of it. Surprisingly safe if you take the necessary precautions, which I DO. I'm not an idjit and I won't be stupid with it. However, I can't say that I'm 100% safe, as accidents do happen. But if it was so dangerous, then we'd have seen a very high death rate among high voltage enthusiasts, and that's not the case. I can't lie, this hobby is extremely dangerous if one is not careful, but I'll be honest again. I'd be more at risk if I was on the road, driving, due to my ultra-short attention span. But with high voltage, I can have as long as I need to check if everything is hooked up right. And for the most part, the joy of high voltage is looking at the enormous current arcs. I look at them with the same enthusiasm a normal girl would look at dicks. The longer and thicker the arcs are, the better. It's something that takes an appreciation for the power of electricity to enjoy. One must rememeber that electricity isn't a force to mess with, that it is something one must submit to, to enjoy the true power of it.  And I'll tell you this now. If we do end up going further, you either deal with my high voltage obsession, or join me.

3. Far as Salvatore goes, I thought it over. I do think he's cute and all, but literally 99% of the reason I like him is because he's my age and likes high voltage. I did think it over though. Surely I could get him into Portal though, but I wasn't sure if I could get you into high voltage. But I thought about it more. Sal is a little egotistical, and has bragged to me for a long time about him working out. Not to mention I don't know any much more about him other than the fact that he's 16 and likes high voltage. I thought about it even more, and realized, yes, I want to be his friend, but not his girlfriend. He's hardly online, and I can't talk to him much, anyways. And I dunno... I can't picture myself being with him. I was never with him. At the most, I confessed to him I liked him and that I think he is hot. The reason why I took so long to respond, is because it took me that long, plus a few conversations with the friend I mentioned earlier (I call him Vexser), to understand that I missed you. I started to feel angsty again, something I didn't feel when I was with you. Vex was going through a similar situation. He had a boyfriend, Rixam, whom he didn't want to be with anymore because Rix is into furry sex. So he broke up with him and is trying to get with another girl in his area. I'm not going into detail because I don't think he'd like me doing that. He probably got the idea after I told him about our breakup, and how I only broke up with you because I was worried about the high voltage thing, though I really did miss you. Rix, like you with me, was concerned with Vex's high voltage hobby, but let him be.

But there is one thing I need to talk to you about. And before you call me crazy, remember, at one point, being lesbian or gay was thought to be a mental illness. I'm actually objectum sexual, for the most part, and I am literally in love with the Companion Cube. Not that this would endanger our relationship, but if you see me being rather affectionate to a model, you'll know why. Please tolerate this, as I tolerate your love of Merchant.

4. I was basing it off of the fact you were so close to saying "I love you." and I would feel horrible if I had to break it to you then... it's just that I didn't want to break it to you after you said something of that magnitude, something that would hurt me very badly should you have said that you couldn't tolerate my high voltage. As said, I'm socially awkward, so please forgive me if I came out eager to get out of it. I really felt worried that you'd try to talk me out of it, and I did it out of fear, not eagerness. I didn't leave you for Sal. I took the break up as an opportunity to experiment, and the experiment failed. I'll put it bluntly: The main reason I broke up with you is that I feared you'd try to stop me from doing what I love the most, and that's my high voltage hobby.

5. I didn't understand what you meant. The way you worded your break up made me feel as if you were very against my hobby, and I really got worried... please try to understand, as I say again and again, that I'm very very socially awkward and if I say anything that seems insulting, it's this awkwardness I have. I'm hardly ever a rude person. I'm quite often sarcastically mean, but it's often obvious when I am being sarcastic.

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And yes, I really do want to give it another chance. I really do miss you, and I miss what we had and could have had. I am not sure if I can say those three special words yet, but I really do like you and want to try to make this work. Please add me back on Skype again. It's teslacoilglados, if you forgot it. By the way, my internet has been real finicky. It also cuts at 12 AM, and will sometimes work, but there's no possibility, at least, not until summer vacation starts, that I'd be able to video chat after 12. Please forgive me for what I said in the breakup. My PMS is very, very, very horrible, and I must have written it during then.

Thank you for replying, I thought you wouldn't reply back to me after the second day...