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Mar 31st, 2020
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  1. When god made mambo number 5,
  2. Just a little bit of monica, in my life,
  4. Signals that baffled astronomers for 17 years traced to observatory’s microwave oven,
  5. Oh man i can imagine the screaming fits, oh my god,
  7. So in my spanish class the teacher sometimes puts up a sign that says, no ingles, and that means we can’t use any english that day in class and we have like the smartest kid who is class president and the teacher asked him something and he was about to talk in english before the teacher pointed at the sign so the guy busted out in full german and the whole class was in stunned silence and the teacher just gave a heavy sigh and left the room,
  9. make/manufacturer, mama goat,
  10. Model name/number, baby,
  11. size/dimensions, small,
  12. Saw this on craigslist ad for baby goats,
  14. Why do they even make underwear with tags, just to tickle your buttcrack, what kind of sick joke is this,
  16. Free samples,
  18. Hello m t v and welcome to my slime,
  20. Anyone else y’all got those clicky ankles,
  21. Have you considered that you might be a reindeer,
  22. Reindeer make a clicking sound when they walk, and not just when up on a housetop, tendons snap over sesamoid bones in their feet, and that’s what makes the click, experts think the clicking helps the members of a herd stay in contact, especially in snow storms or, say, when it’s foggy,
  23. Did you just fricking know this,
  25. When you and your b f f learned how to contour ya nose from the local celebrity makeup artist 1 dollar online master class but your nose end up looking bigger so you want your 1 dollar back but they don’t return ya email,
  26. This is so specific i’m screaming who hurt you,
  28. Why is this fresh tomato orbiting in space at 4 point 8 miles per second,
  29. The ultimate clickbait,
  31. Carrie fisher hiding in the trash cans on the backlot of the star wars set, 1976,
  32. Carrie fisher inside a trash can while doing promotion for the empire strikes back, 1980,
  34. To the casual observer it may look like i’m trying to summon a demon but anyone who knows me will realize that i am simply calling my wife,
  35. The wife and the demon are the same person,
  37. Legs are so weird cause like you can do this,
  38. But then you can do this,
  39. And i find it really weird,
  41. I like when you’re in the grocery store and you see people buying eggs because they always pick up the carton and then open it like it’s a metal briefcase full of cash involved in a drug deal and they’re confirming it’s money, don’t bother counting it, it’s all there, 12, then they always pick one up and inspect it like, yeah, it’s grade a alright, the real deal,
  42. People are checking to see if any of the eggs are cracked you walnut,
  44. Reporter, is ringo the best drummer in the world,
  45. John, ringo isn’t even the best drummer in the beatles,
  46. John was savage before it was even cool,
  48. The male lion cowers his head as he is given an earful by a lioness after a playfight went too far, the father had pinned his daughter lusaka to the ground in mock anger after the playful cub had repeatedly nipped his tail,
  49. Family goals,
  51. Point of view, abba picks you out in a police line up for pickpocketing all of their wallets at ikea,
  53. Reply with top 5 time periods you fantasize about being in,
  54. 1 through 5, early cambrian babey,
  56. 4,500 dollar toddler gown,
  57. This baby is wearing a dress that costs more than my human life,
  59. Please let me in, no,
  60. Is this frozen,
  61. Don’t let them in,
  62. Don’t let them see,
  63. Be the old man you always have to be,
  65. None of y’all know what propaganda actually is, do you,
  66. It’s when a british person takes a good look at something,
  67. This is legitimately the absolute funniest thing anyone has ever added to one of my posts, thank you for your service,
  69. Vampires, classic go to villains, pirates, stealing from peasants, princess, living in castles, wearing these shirts,
  71. Punks not dead,
  72. Heosemys spinosa is an endangered species, punks almost dead,
  74. How i, a millenial, filter spam calls,
  75. If my phone rings, it’s spam, i answer for no one, except my mommy,
  77. Ice suspended around a tree trunk after flood water has receded,
  78. Terrain glitch,
  80. Never forget that australia's first ever winter olympics gold was won because the guy was coming in dead last and everyone in front of him fell over,
  81. It’s happening,
  82. Even better, the only reason he was in the final was because the same thing happened in the semis, and the only reason he was in the semis was because one of the guys that came ahead of him in the quarters was disqualified,
  83. I’m not sure if he’s the luckiest skater alive or a skater that has the power to curse other competitors,
  85. I thought i knew what an onion looked like, but, apparently, i do not,
  86. Worst cooks in america is genuinely one of my favorite shows,
  88. Getting to sleep peacefully, my body doing that weird falling thing,
  89. Fun fact, it’s cause your body feels your pulse falling rapidly and is like, i don’t know if you’re dying or falling asleep and i’m not willing to gamble, so it shoots you up with adrenaline fuel to make you not die, it’s one of my favorite facts,
  91. Slides nasa 20 dollars, so, tell me about the aliens,
  92. Aliens, slide nasa 40 dollars,
  93. Nasa, l m a o what aliens,
  94. Nasa, with 60 dollars, holding back tears, we can finally afford some more space rocks,
  96. I’ll give you a hard boiled egg, if you go out with me,
  97. That’s an offer i cannot refuse,
  99. Ladies, let me tell you about his dong, will you be quiet, people at the next table have a child,
  100. Well, that’s their choice,
  101. Literally me talking to my friends in public,
  102. Literally,
  104. I wish dungeons were real,
  105. I wish that i could just walk into a cave and slice the crap out of things with my sword,
  106. I’m a kink blog so i was very confused for a minute,
  108. Hello everyone, i’m kate wood, this is some b c bud, one of my country’s biggest exports,
  109. I’m from canada, it’s not america, i have a maple leaf flag on my bag, i pour maple syrup on everything, thank you,
  110. How the japanese view canadians,
  112. Fun fact, the word quarantine comes from quarantena, meaning, forty days, used in 14th and 15th century venetian language, the period that all ships were required to be isolated before passengers and crew could go ashore during the black death plague,
  113. So 2020, or 20 plus 20 equals quarantine,
  114. Dang it, we should’ve seen this coming,
  115. Well you know what they say about hindsight,
  117. It’s not that he’s evil, he lacks empathy and he goes into a dissociative state and commits atrocities,
  118. Me,
  120. I sent my dog outside for standing on the dining room table, this was his response,
  121. Rebellion,
  122. Listen here, you little crap,
  124. When i was 6 my brother told me that old people sag because they’re being pulled to heck and i cried,
  126. No prob bob, no problem boblem, no probert robert,
  128. What do you do, follow my husband around, lady, he’s putting my kids through college,
  129. One of the most emotional moments in the simpsons,
  131. Kisses you, teehee, spreads my disease to you,
  132. Guard, national guard, the whore is breaking curfew,
  134. Oh god, when will it end, pie eating contest,
  135. This comic is irrational,
  137. Shouldn’t have said that, i shouldn’t have said that, i should not have said that, me around small children,
  139. What are we doing, wasting our lives, i meant for lunch, some days you’re chandler, some days you’re joey,
  141. Man who dong ripped off as a child has 8 inch bionic replacement,
  142. Be right back ripping off dong to get an eight inch,
  143. Robo dong,
  145. Pecks you with plague doctor mask, Pecks you with plague doctor mask, Pecks you with plague doctor mask, Pecks you with plague doctor mask, Pecks you with plague doctor mask, pecks you wi, why did you stop, died of the plague,
  147. Pigeon 215,
  148. Cleanse yourself of your sins,
  150. The level,
  151. I’m very angry and very impressed,
  153. T b t to when i made my little sister take, paparazzi, pictures of me for my t m z themed myspace in 2007,
  155. When you were a kid there were only 2 moral alignments, kids who hated the sound of joints popping/cracking and kids who purposely popped their joints to make everyone else cringe,
  156. I almost forgot the elusive third category, kids who were entirely unaffected by joint cracking noises but couldn’t crack their own joints either so they just had to sit there and take it,
  158. Pinnocchio could tell us so much about the universe, he could randomly claim things like, the big bang happened, and his nose would confirm or deny our theories,
  159. Pinocchio’s not omniscnet, you stupid fricking redditors, his nose grows when he’s intentionally being dishonest,
  160. Things heating up in the pinocchio fandom,
  162. For all you mountain climbers out there,
  164. If the winter soldier was responsible for the kennedy assassination and magneto tried to stop the kennedy assassination then that must mean somehow magneto lost a fight to a guy with an entire arm made of metal,
  165. Marvel writers sweat intensely,
  167. Shout out to percy jackson for being a kids book that straight up murdered the abusive step dad instead of doing some bull crap redemption arc where they have to forgive him,
  169. Me, wants to be multilingual, a musical prodigy, an artist, an author, a poet, an honor student, working in a well paying job, successful and happy,
  170. Me, sits on my couch eating 3, 3, party sized bags of salt and vinegar potato chips and watching 31, 31, episodes of my favorite t v show in one sitting,
  172. The osiria rose has an exquisite color combination, the petals are blood red on the inside and pure silvery white on the outside,
  174. Boop,
  175. The gentlest of boops,
  177. When i die, make sure to bury me with a milk bone so that i can give cerberus a treat when i show up in the underworld,
  178. Psssst, 3 milk bones,
  180. When life gives you lemons, combine their d n a with a prehistoric mosquito that was preserved in amber and create the tyrannosourest rex,
  181. It’s been a while since denny’s got me to say what the fresh frick,
  183. If anne hath a will, anne hathaway,
  184. That’s kinda funny because will shakespeare’s wife was named anne hathaway so anne hathaway hath a will,
  185. I quit,
  187. Just cause i don’t like her doesn’t mean she’s an ugly beach,
  188. Feminism,
  189. Give credit when credit is due,
  190. Her parents raised her correctly that’s why i frick with her,
  192. At patrick stump, if you were a tree what kind of tree would you be,
  193. At mad 182, evidently just the part down at the bottom,
  194. It took me so long,
  196. Cursed concept,
  197. Carbonated milk,
  198. No, good morning to everyone except the person who made this,
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