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  1. If it’s sex-toys you’ve found in her room, they’re hardly “inappropriate” for any one her age, male of female. They’re exactly as appropriate as the crying-shoulders, cuddles, curfews and condoms she’ll need from YOU for the next few years while she figures out what sex means to her. You’re her MOTHER, not her owner.
  3. I have a short list of what to do. Call it my Eight Commandments if you like.
  5. Realize that many girls much younger than your daughter (as young as 5 or 6) discover that the bathtub faucet or shower-head
  6. (or before age two that their fingers, pillow or stuffed bear’s nose)
  7. will give them orgasms, and many girls 9 to 17 use their electric toothbrush (or other electric cosmetic tool) as a clitoral vibrator.
  8. Understand that it’s entirely possible your daughter’s been masturbating for many years and at first just wanted to know if the things her friends (perhaps when she was 10 or 11) have told her about vibrating “helpers” are true.
  9. Catch up to the fact that at age 14, your daughter’s not a little child. She may not be a woman by most social definitions, but biologically that’s *exactly* what she is. She has a woman’s sexual needs (and little if any education about them from her mother, if I get to guess), and it appears that *all alone* she’s figured out a harmless and enjoyable way to satisfy them *all alone*.
  10. Now that every word above has sunk in, consider the fact that her masturbation is *private*, and should be granted the acceptance, dignity and privacy you gave her when her toilet training was successful.
  12. Consider also that for any child, the message will be abundantly clear if you disapprove of her having a sex-life, even solo: “don’t have orgasms or momma spank”.
  13. …or, as in your daughter’s case, “even safe, HEALTHY, pleasant, private, personal, educational” sexual interest isn’t “appropriate” for a healthy and horny adolescent girl.
  14. None of the sexual desires, interests, explorations and perfectly sensible habits of the young woman you’ve raised should be at ALL out of bounds for “girl talk”, let alone for honest discussion “woman-to-woman and mother-to-daughter”.
  15. Remember: YOU found those toys while poking around in HER space… probably in a spot she believed would HIDE them from you because “mom just wouldn’t get it and she’d freak!”. Prepare for backlash.
  18. OK, now you’ve got 5 things about YOU that you absolutely MUST do before you talk with her.
  19. There’s more, and it’s about HER.
  20. If you’ve already sat down with her for “the talk”, I hope for her sake that you included your acceptance and assurance that it’s easy, helpful and normal to masturbate for fun and relief if she’s horny, because yes, 14 almost always IS still too young for sexual relationships. If that wasn’t part of “the talk”, she needs to hear that and more from you ASAP. Who but her mother should she trust with such intimate and vital advice and education?
  21. Let her know that you were a horny teen virgin once too, that you can be trusted to treat her needs and decisions without “criticism” (of the negative kind), and that if she’s got questions or needs advice… you’re her MOTHER, and while it isn’t your place to dictate about such personal stuff, you have no problem offering (*absolutely factual*) info or advice. All she needs to do is ASK. It’s also perfectly appropriate for you to ask her not to make you uncomfortable with urgent noises or (God forbid) open doors… after all, YOUR privacy has to be part of the deal.
  22. Come clean. This all began because YOU messed with HER space/stuff. Remember I said “prepare for backlash”? She’s gonna resent your having done that, and nothing but every bit of openness and honesty I’ve described above will convince her you’ll ever be trustworthy about anything at all.
  23. There you go. Lots of homework for you I guess, but the exam is up to her, and you’ll get no judgement from me… just advice after raising a couple of (when the time came that they needed guidance about it - one at age 4 and 1/2 , the other at 9) young girls who’d figured orgasms out.
  25. They didn’t know until told that it isn’t right for kids to make others watch while they did that… and the older one got the message immediately (despite “the talk”: her mom and I were thorough and not shy), she had no idea that what she was doing was “masturbating”.
  27. The younger one put up a hell of a fuss about it “What am I supposed to do when that bubble is in my vagina?” (it’s not like she hadn’t been taught about body parts by age 3). Only then did we understand that she preferred humping her fingers on the living room floor for as long as her favourite TV shows lasted.
  29. Yours is already a woman and growing up *fast* (she needed the info she needs from you right *now* before she was 8 years old), and she should be happy and proud that she’s found a good and risk-free way to get what she needs… and so should you.
  31. Cheers. Be good to yourself, but be good to your kid first: she’s the one that’s growing up, and you’re her mom. :-)
  33. P.S. As a peace-offering over your “trespass”, consider a 50-pack of Duracells in whatever size(s) fits any battery-run toy(s) she already has…. *seriously*. If you’re brave and curious, a tandem visit to a tasteful “adult store” that’s run by and for women (if there’s one not too far away) would be a bonding experience full of embarrassed or excited giggles, but if that’s a bridge too far for you, don’t bother: teens have perfectly functional bullshit detectors. :-)
  35. EDIT:
  36. (an addendum after many comments and some actual hate)
  38. Oh, dear. I’ve had complaints (very few I can object to - just disagreement - but some have been particularly nasty) that included appeals to moral panic and even calling me a pedophile needing a CPS report.
  40. I’m often blunt and definite when I’ve got anything to say, and I offered nothing but the “What should I do?” opinion the OP *asked* for, along with some honest and researchable facts to back it up. If you’ll re-read my answer above, you’ll see that I *told* the OP that I was offering advice, not pronouncing judgement.
  42. The best answers are for her and her kid to find and agree on, and I wish them both the best of luck.
  44. I’ve raised four kids through their teens and watched many other parents raise theirs, and I’ve had the huge benefit of a wife who was (she’s retired now) a psychologist and counselor specializing in women and children who’ve suffered physical and sexual abuse… before taking on sole responsibility for the mental health of 7000 people in a remote area.
  46. My parenting and my opinions aren’t “better”… but I HAVE been lucky enough to learn and know stuff that most people don’t. It would be nice not to be dissed for sharing what I know with other parents.
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