This is ChairMaster posting from the account I made shortly after my old one got permabanned. Anyone in this thread who remembers me can probably guess why I'm posting, it's because I'm finally going to kill myself, and I have nowhere else to write a suicide note.

I've taken a ferry over to Vancouver, and I'm in a hotel room at the moment with my exit bag and helium ready to go. I cleared my hard drive and ssd from my desktop computer and dropped them in the Georgia Straight in a bag weighted with rocks from the ferry, and I'm going to format this computer as well after I'm done posting this, so hopefully nobody in real life will ever know why I did it or what was wrong with me. Ideally I'd have an accomplice who would remove the bag from my body afterwards but that's not really an option for me, obviously. Croswell, I don't know if they report on suicides done in private in the newspaper or whatever but if they do and you see the article I'd rather you didn't post it here, because I don't really want people from the Canpol thread to harrass my family after I'm gone.

I don't really need to go over why my life isn't really worth living, it's pretty much all outlined in my posting history in this thread. I'm just as alone and hopeless as ever, and I have absolutely no reason to believe that I'll ever be able to do anything to change that. Every time I feel something touch me accidentally it reminds me that I'm never going to be touched by another person and that I'll never feel that kind of warmth and comfort and security no matter how long I live. Nobody's really going to miss me all that much, I think maybe twenty or so people from school might be kinda sad for a couple weeks, and a half dozen of my family members might be sad for a couple months, but it seems kinda fucked up to expect me to keep living a pathetic, sad, wasted life for the next 30-60 years just so that they don't have to feel bad for a little while.

I dunno if I have much to say to anybody in e/n, since everyone kinda posted the same two or three things at me every time I posted, but I think I should point out that the common advice of "just go talk to people" really does make things a lot worse if you're a person with truly zero value to anyone. I've been talking to other people more than ever before in the last 7 months and all it got me was a reminder of how fucking great it would be to be anyone other than myself, and an additional burden on my psyche by being reminded constantly how good life can be for someone who is worthwhile, making my pointless life all the more painful and pathetic by comparison.

Nobody on e/n ever helped me in any way, but they didn't hurt either, and posting here helped me hurt a little bit less by having a place to talk about how awful things are when things got bad. Bobby was pretty patient with me for a long time, but she also became pretty childish and unprofessional by the end (over PMs on a permabanned account that I don't have access to anymore), and I kinda feel like she takes this whole volunteering to moderate a dead internet forum job a little too personal sometimes. It doesn't really matter now, I guess. People always said I didn't even want help, and maybe they were right, it's possible I was just looking for some kind of emotional palliative care to ease the pain into the eventual death I've known was coming for the past 7 months or so. That also doesn't matter any more.

I'm still a little scared, but I feel alright (aside from the usual despair and pain that is pretty much always with me now). It's nice to know that I can stop hurting and thinking about everything I've missed out on in less than an hour. Sucks for the hotel staff that finds my body, but that's gonna happen to someone no matter where I do it, and you can't exactly kill yourself with an exit bag right outside the police station, you kinda need a private room for that.

I know nobody missed me, but goodbye nonetheless.