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The Newbie

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Dec 19th, 2014
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  1. Once upon a midnight dreary, while I gamed, eyes red and bleary,
  2. Pwning newbies with precision; 360 noscopes galore-
  4. Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in bearded Movember;
  5. Extra hair from each clan member piled upon their bedroom floor.
  7. Eagerly we crushed opponents into their most base components;
  8. No one could withstand the hopeless situation thus in store.
  10. While I fragged them, hardly trying (they were all so easily dying),
  11. Suddenly one newb came crying, crying there admist the war.
  13. Quoth the newbie: "ur a whore."
  15. Suddenly he quit the server in a rage and with much fervor
  16. Leaving us to cheer our rage inducing savvy even more.
  18. Yet this newbie would not leave; for he returned, we thought to grieve,
  19. But no; he came to seek his vengeance much more skillful than before.
  21. Quoth the newbie: "ur a whore."
  23. While I pondered my reply, newbie shoots me dead whereby
  24. Brains take flight; despite my might my skull is shattered on the floor.
  26. Turn around a corner, dead. Newbie shot me in the head.
  27. Relishing his newfound skill from pressing autoaim some more.
  29. Suddenly my ping grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
  30. I took flight with all my might to shoot the newbie I deplore.
  32. “Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
  33. But the fact is you are cheating. So-called skill you wield is fleeting.
  34. Fleeting, left to vanish once your aimbot is detected more."
  36. Silence there, and nothing more.
  38. Next a bullet in my eyeball through a dozen layers of drywall.
  39. Pinpoint ammunition placed precisely on my fore.
  41. Much I questioned that this gameless newb would cheat so blatant; shameless
  42. Though his answer little meaning — little relevancy bore;
  44. For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
  45. Ever yet was blessed with seeing through the walls or through the door.
  47. Then he came out to my bones, and then there despite my moans
  48. He perched upon my corpse and teabagged all my body's gore—
  49. Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
  51. Nothing farther then he uttered — not a polygon he fluttered—
  52. Till I scarcely more than muttered “Other newbs have hacked before—
  53. On the morrow you will leave me, as the rest have done before.”
  55. Then the newbie, sitting lonely there in de_dust, spoke only
  56. Those three words, as if his soul in those three words he did outpour:
  58. Quoth the newbie: "ur a whore."
  60. “Move your ass and quit the farting, freaking newb!” I shrieked, upstarting—
  61. “Get thee back into the safety of the GameStop lamer store!
  63. Leave my ratio unbroken! Quit the server I implore!
  64. Take thy balls from out my mouth, and take thy self right out the door!"
  66. Quoth the newbie: "ur a whore."
  68. And that newbie, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
  69. On my corpse and casting shadows of his crotch onto the floor.
  71. And my score from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor-
  72. Shall be lifted—nevermore.
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