IdrizToday at 4:02 PM
I have bad news.
The creature deemed responsible for the deaths by starvation of 300,000 children around the globe, dakota, has escaped interpol custody.
jackariToday at 4:03 PM
FUCk
YOU MADE ME SPIT OUT MY COFFEE
IT BURNS
IdrizToday at 4:03 PM
Please, if you have a tip on him, contact us. He is more often seen in mcdonalds, mcdonalds chinese, or in a water park.
The latter one may have seismic activity, and if it does, get to safety.. which is unlikely.
You will feel pain around your stomach - this is normal.
Try not to think about what you ate.
If you do, he may sense the lust for food.
It is the number one cause of death by the koda.
jackariToday at 4:05 PM
Yes Idriz, it is said that if you are feeling nausea, vomiting, or seeing Dakota eating vomit, you should run immediately away from the locations above.
dakota the king of masquaradesToday at 4:05 PM
\The creature deemed responsible for the death of 2.000.000 people during the attack on the world trade center, Idriz Pelaj has escaped from Prison and is wanted for 150,000 Counts of man slaughter
IdrizToday at 4:05 PM
Our soldiers have tried to sustain this beast, however, due to the nature of his powers, were left gasping for air, and wanting but a quench of water.
And receive the water they did.
However.
As we all know, 25.000 brave soldiers died yesterday.
The man i am talking about was amongst them.
But what is more - this man was not any other.
jackariToday at 4:06 PM
Every shot, immediately bounces back. He ate all of our supplies, and even Captain Killami. We can't do this anymore. We have Elon Musk creating a rocket ship to Mars, and Dakota ate that, and Elon as well. We seem to be stuck here.
Says Private Timothy, of the Military Branch.
IdrizToday at 4:07 PM
It was his father, who was given a chance out of prison to fight the beast to be freed.
So, if you are a relative of dakota - it is too late. The population is slowly declining.
By five percent EVERY HOUR.
jackariToday at 4:07 PM
cuts to Helicopter footage IT SEEMS THE BEAST IS ON FOOT! Live on the seen, Idriz Ptechington on the scene!
IdrizToday at 4:07 PM
As jack mentioned, elon tried to fight.
But it was too late.
Now, i am here.
The man that was able to bomb the pentagon with a firecracker.
I am ready to fend off this beast.
For the good of the human race.
Jack, record me, get on the helicopter.
jackariToday at 4:08 PM
Good luck, Sargent Ptechington.
gets in helicopter
IdrizToday at 4:09 PM
Here, i planted a microphone in my body.
AS YOU CAN SEE.. THE SEISMIC ACTIVITY OF THE DAKOTA HAS CAUSED AN UPROAR OF TSUNAMIS
jackariToday at 4:09 PM
Oh my god! The beast is on his way! Plateau One, man the fat jokes!
IdrizToday at 4:09 PM
WE HAVE TO USE THE TOOL MOST POWERFUL
jackariToday at 4:09 PM
Plateau Two, man the mcdonalds and fried chicken! It will distract him!
IdrizToday at 4:09 PM
THE WORKOUT VIDEO
jackariToday at 4:10 PM
OH MY GOD!
HAS SCIENCE GONE TOO FAR?
IdrizToday at 4:10 PM
MAYBE SO, JACK. LET US FIND OUT.
Oh no.
jackariToday at 4:10 PM
OH no
NO NO NO
IT CANT BE
IdrizToday at 4:10 PM
DAKOTA IS IMMUNE TO THE VIDEO
jackariToday at 4:10 PM
OH MY GOD
EVERYONE
IdrizToday at 4:10 PM
WE ARE FUCKED, CUT TRANSMI--
jackariToday at 4:10 PM
GET TO THE CHOPPERS, WE HAVE TO--
back to live footage in the office
It seems the soldiers have gone M.I.A.
IdrizToday at 4:11 PM
Ladies and gentlemen.
jackariToday at 4:11 PM
Suspected that they have mostly died.
IdrizToday at 4:11 PM
I face you today, in the underground.
Like a coward, hiding amongst the trap of water.
Dakota's one weakness is lack of food..
but is it?
we have determined it is exclusively FAST FOOD.
jackariToday at 4:12 PM
wait... shh... I hear things...
hears footsteps above
everyone goes quiet
IdrizToday at 4:12 PM
Uh oh.
WAIT, NO, HE IS JUMPING
GET TO THE VAULT, EVERYONE
jackariToday at 4:12 PM
climbing down the ladder, Sargent Ptechington stands there, but only his head
along is a finger inside of it, Dakota jumps down into the sewer
Everyone get to the vaults!
CHILDREN FIRST
GO GO GO!!!
they man the vegetable turrets
IdrizToday at 4:13 PM
We have to face the beast.
jackariToday at 4:13 PM
He is too powerful!
He has evolved and can now inhale things from 20 feet away!
What can we even do at this point?
IdrizToday at 4:13 PM
Jack, there is no time.
Fat jokes, now.
@dakota the king of masquarades  biggest gay in the universe
jackariToday at 4:14 PM
@dakota the king of masquarades you're so fat that they have to make a size, that is named around your name
@dakota the king of masquarades you're so fat, whenever you wear a raincoat, people call a taxi when they see you
IdrizToday at 4:15 PM
mr obama, what are you doing here?
jackariToday at 4:15 PM
Mr obama??
Wow, I can't believe it's you.
IdrizToday at 4:15 PM
Idriz, my son, I will unveil to you my master plan.
NO, MR OBAMA, THIS WON'T BRING MICHELLE BACK
jackariToday at 4:15 PM
...
IdrizToday at 4:15 PM
@dakota the king of masquarades nigga
jackariToday at 4:15 PM
cries
IdrizToday at 4:15 PM
AHH
jackariToday at 4:15 PM
OH MY
IdrizToday at 4:16 PM
Well, guys, we did it.
We stopped dakota.
Dakota: idriz my son, you would not let me die would you?
jackariToday at 4:16 PM
dakota explodes, the people inside of him still living, off all the food that he has consumed whole
IdrizToday at 4:16 PM
shut up cracker
Ahhh
jackariToday at 4:16 PM
michelle, Sargent, and others walk out
IdrizToday at 4:16 PM
We did it.
jackariToday at 4:16 PM
Obama: MICHELLE!
Me: Dad!!!
Ladies, and gentlemen...
WE GOT EM!
IdrizToday at 4:17 PM
We stomped dakota's feeble attempt at propagabda while we were at it, too.
:smirk:
@dakota the king of masquarades  GETS DESTROYED WITH FACTS AND LOGIC LIKE THE FAT LIBTARD HE IS
jackariToday at 4:17 PM
screen cuts to black
KIRBY: THE MOVIE
IdrizToday at 4:17 PM
~fin
jackariToday at 4:18 PM
Credits: Idriz as Sargent Ptechington, Newsman Idriz, and Idriz
IdrizToday at 4:18 PM
Director jackari, what inspired you most?
jackariToday at 4:18 PM
Jack as Obama, Jack, and Newsman Jack
IdrizToday at 4:18 PM
To make this movie?
jackariToday at 4:18 PM
Dakota as Fat fuck who ate everything
Honestly, I think I made it for the people
To show that we should eliminate all obese people in the world.
IdrizToday at 4:18 PM
Well, i, for one am not jack, john, but this was based off of a true story.
1943, Auschwitz, a man by the name of Dakota was unveiled to be the one who ate those who were to be gassed and murdered.
jackariToday at 4:19 PM
Ah yes, I remember. That was in my history book as a child!