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King Rupert's Clanky Bois

FluffyCheshire Aug 27th, 2018 76 Never
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  1. >Become royalty.
  2. >You’re a cool kid now.
  3. >Become the glorious leader of all of England.
  4. >Absolute dashing crown of solid gold resting atop your head.
  5. >Gain a mass following of the most ferocious badass knights in all of the land. 69 men to be exact.
  6. >Nice.
  7. >The mass clanking of 69 knights skipping like preschool girls is silenced by the looming castle ahead.
  8. >All is quiet until you and your knights resume your ridiculous skipping.
  9. >Approach castle and toot your tooting horn.
  10. >Bucket helm knight pops into view, glaring at the mass of knights gathered outside his dwelling.
  11. >The tin can speaks “Who goes there??”
  12. >”I am Rupert, King of Britain. Lord of castle Dankus and these are my loyal knights, sworn to me and my-”
  13. >Bucket helm interrupts like a rude piece of shit. “That's cute. State your business.”
  14. >”As your King I insist you allow us to occupy your fortress.”
  15. >”No.” The bucket twit responds.
  16. >”What do you mean, NO?! I am the King of Britain and I order you to allow us entry!”
  17. >Bucket fuck chuckles.
  18. >Enough sass. You draw your sword and raise it to the heavens toward him. “Trial by fire! I King Rupert challenge you to a trial of steel!”
  19. >Bucket cunt chuckles at your display. “What? Fight you? That's not a trial! That's an execution!”
  20. >Bucket raises his right hand. Castle doors open. A horde of peasants armed with wooden spoons charge you and your men.
  21. >Horde draws closer. You sheathe your sword and sock the first peasant in your path.
  22. >Git fukt mate.
  23. >Your dope knights follow your example and stomp the poor peasants into the dirt.
  24. >Stare back up at bucket boy in triumph. “My what ferocious warriors you have.”
  25. >”They were bakers actually.”
  26. >”Oh, apologies. Grant us entry and I'll bring you the finest bakers in England.”
  27. >”No.”
  28. >Absolute frustration builds within you. You chant a silent prayer.
  29. >Ifthisfuckingtwitrebelsonemoretimeimmafuckinggutthestupidcuntamen.
  30. >God be praised.
  31. >You've had enough. You give bucket cunt one last chance. You ask him what it will take to grant you entry.
  32. >”A big tiddy goth gf.”
  33. >You gesture in the opposite direction of the castle and skip along with your knights to a new destination.
  34.  
  35. >Your travels lead you to the town of Dingaldong.
  36. >Mass commotion in the town center.
  37. >Appears to be mass lynching of a single man.
  38. >Ask fellow towns folk of what is occurring.
  39. >”Putting an end to filth!”
  40. >”Feed him to the rats!”
  41. >”Have you seen a purple cat, she's about like so so tall… really perky breasts, likes fish and responds to the unbuckling of belts. If you'd be so kind as to-”
  42. >Smash palm into peasants face and shove him aside.
  43. >No time for wench hunts.
  44. >They allow the criminal to speak his last words. “But we had a deal…”
  45. >Krunk pulls lever.
  46. >Oof
  47. >Obtain information that man plagiarized the works of multiple great authors.
  48. >After his lynching a few enraged rioters whine about how he didn't steal their content.
  49. >Skip out of fun town.
  50.  
  51. >You and your knights witty skipping comes to a halt as a band of stragglers approach you from afar. They stagger and trip in the green fields.
  52. >Drunken peasants? No. Fanboys? No.
  53. >Notice they carry sketchbooks and pencils.
  54. >Artists
  55. >They wander closer mumbling words.
  56. >One of them grab you by your stupid shiny ass chainmail and mumbles “Inspiration?... Inspiration?!..”
  57. >You catch him as he stumbles.
  58. >God save them.
  59. >You feed them, water them, and give them headpats. You then send them on their way.
  60. >Godspeed you beautiful fucking bastards.
  61.  
  62.  
  63. >You and your chaps come across the Valley of Dracos. The forbidden land home to various breeds of Dragon women.
  64. >Stealth skipping engaged.
  65. >You’re wearing clanky steel you stupid cunt.
  66. >The swoosh of wings overhead send your men into a scurry as they draw their swords.
  67. >You watch helplessly as your men unwillingly and willingly get plucked into the sky.
  68. >You're no coward so you bravely cry to your men “Advance in the opposite direction!!”
  69. >Without hesitation the advance is a success as you flee into the brush.
  70. >49 squad members remain.
  71. >Cumhat has disconnected.
  72. >New route needed. Summon map boy to figure new route. New route takes no time to find at all. Map boy convinces you to go around the valley.
  73. >Your loyal men gather themselves as they await your orders. Some sulk at not being abducted by sexy scalie goddesses.
  74. >Damn faithless cunts.
  75.  
  76. >All is well as you skip across golden fields of wheat.
  77. >NakedHolyAngelAppears.gif
  78. >She shines with a holy aura. Naked with her arms outstretched toward you and your men.
  79. >Clothe yourself wench.
  80. >”My Lord, I'm blinded by the temptress!!”
  81. >You shield your eyes and reassure your loyal men.
  82. >”Stand your ground chaps!”
  83. >Holy naked angel aura pierces all.
  84. >”Valiant knights of King Rupert. I come to thee-” she states soothingly before you interrupt her like a rude peasant with no manners.
  85. >”Madam your appearance. Make yourself decent!”
  86. >She sighs and summons a slightly revealing velvet attire.
  87. >”Valiant Knights of King Rupert. I come to thee to bestow a quest. To grant you a higher purpose.”
  88. >Now able to stare her down you raise an eyebrow to her.
  89. >”A shit posting license?”
  90. >”No.” She reveals an image of a golden grail.
  91. >TheHolyGrail.jpeg
  92. >God be praised.
  93. >You fall to your knees at the sight of the holiest of holy of the holiest objects that are holy.
  94. >The angel speaks “March north to the land of madness. There you will stumble across your guide.”
  95. >The land of madness.
  96. >O fuck (Exit Doble)
  97. >She couldn't possibly mean it.
  98. >Wonderland.
  99. >Angel twat vanishes with a giggle.
  100. >You steel yourself for the journey ahead.
  101.  
  102. >Skip north and halt to the smell of madness, sex, and sweat.
  103. >Wonky trees and enlarged mushrooms greet you as the entry way into Wonderland. Where all manner of insanity looms.
  104. >Praising God intensifies even harder.
  105. >Advance very carefully.
  106. >Area clear.
  107. >PoofSmugFaggotAppears.gif
  108. >AREA NOT CLEAR.
  109. >She smiles a cute flirtatious grin that screams ungodly wisdom. “What brings you tin cans to these woods, huh?”
  110. >Stand strong.
  111. >”I am King Rupert, these are my knights of Castle Dankus. We seek the Holy Grail.” You spit with pride.
  112. >”You seek a cup?” She asks.
  113. >”It is a Grail! The Holy Grail!”
  114. >”It's a cup.”
  115. >Wench please.
  116. >You sigh. “An angel of God has sent us upon this quest. She informed us to head north towards the land of madness. She stated that we would meet our guide. Smiling cat, are you our guide?”
  117. >She shrugs. “I dunno.”
  118. >...
  119. >🤔
  120. >Excruciating amounts of silence fill the air as the cat simply stares you down with her grin.
  121. >She breaks the silence. “So how far are you willing to go to obtain this cup?”
  122. >”THE GRAIL, is the holiest reward any mortal can receive. I King Rupert will sacrifice my life in the pursuit of the grail!”
  123. >”Oh? Well, if you wanna know where it is then I guess I can be of assistance, but first….”
  124. >Here we go.
  125. >”I want 3 of your men, of my choosing of course.”
  126. >Curse the smug wench.
  127. >Absolute treachery.
  128. >Grant her request.
  129. >She simply points in what seems to be a random direction as she admires her new toys.
  130. >God save us.
  131.  
  132. >Skip in the direction the cat lead you.
  133. >Your Noble knights will follow you to the end.
  134. >You sense great danger.
  135. >The Wonderland wood comes to an end. A towering devastated castle in ruins looms ahead.
  136. >Shoddy wooden rope bridge leads up to the castle.
  137. >Below the bridge… instant death.
  138. >Hooded figure guards the bridge.
  139. >Ears, wings, and a barbed tail reveal her as a dreaded Manticore.
  140. >”None shall pass without questioning!” She roars.
  141. >You approach her with no fear.
  142. >”I King Rupert and my valiant knights have come for the Holy Grail. We ask for permission to cross this bridge.”
  143. >”You must answer one simple question.”
  144. >”We have endured all, do your worst, fiend.”
  145. >”Who is best girl?”
  146. >Not enough players to begin session. Returning you to title screen
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