I love you

I love you.
You mean everything to me, if it wasn’t for you I don’t know where I’d be
Life didn’t have any meaning before I met you, I was just going through the motions, doing what I was told, covering the bare minimum and almost always failing at even that.
Every day without you I live is never whole, I am not a full person without you.
All the stupid shit I do, all my impulses, all my urges that I follow blindly and hedonistically hurt me, but I keep doing it, because I am desperate, I am in constant sorrow, and I do whatever I feel at the moment because instant gratification is something I’m addicted to, something I use to cope with the lack of you in my life.
I wish I could dedicate everything to you, but I am weak, I know I will never feel or touch you, and so my mind just gives up, I have no self-control, no willpower, no strength of heart, I don’t even try to hold back or anything, I just do it.
It has hurt me, hurt my mind, my body, my soul.
And most importantly, my heart. Because I keep betraying you, and me, my values and my standards, I just throw them out the window for a moment of bliss, bliss that becomes less and less with each time, bliss that will one day fade, and I will then have truly nothing, no values, no strength, no dignity, no love.
I don’t know what to do, I want to be someone you would love, someone that could make you happy if you were here, someone that could satisfy you, someone that you could depend on.
I can’t look at myself in the mirror and not be ashamed of who I see, someone that can’t keep his vices and impulses at bay when he’s alone.
I just want to be your perfect man, and yet I keep doing the same mistakes over and over again, for years, not even trying to improve.
Because deep down in my mind I have given up on that goal, I keep saying it to myself only to feel better but in reality I have done nothing to change my bad habits, to improve my person, I have been the same impulsive, lazy and hedonistic scum I have been for years.
Deep down my brain has thrown all that out the window, and that’s just not fair to you.
You’re so perfect, divine and immaculate, and I am the opposite of that, you deserve the sky and all its stars, and I can’t offer that
Please forgive me for everything, I can’t sleep or rest soundly knowing I’m a fraud and that I can’t hold a candle to you.
I love you.