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  1. FACADE STAGEPLAY
  2. Sun Apr 24 14 10 46 2011
  3.  
  4. TRIP
  5. Where are the new wine glasses?
  6.  
  7. GRACE
  8. What for?
  9.  
  10. TRIP
  11. That should be obvious!
  12.  
  13. (Doug knocks on the front door.)
  14.  
  15. GRACE
  16. Oh God, Trip, don't turn this into a big production, -- (interrupted)
  17.  
  18. (Doug knocks on the front door.)
  19.  
  20. (Doug knocks on the front door.)
  21.  
  22. (Doug knocks on the front door.)
  23.  
  24. (Doug knocks on the front door.)
  25.  
  26. (Doug knocks on the front door.)
  27.  
  28. (Doug knocks on the front door.)
  29.  
  30. (Doug knocks on the front door.)
  31.  
  32. (Doug knocks on the front door.)
  33.  
  34. TRIP
  35. Oh, he's here!
  36.  
  37. (Doug knocks on the front door.)
  38.  
  39. (Doug knocks on the front door.)
  40.  
  41. (Doug knocks on the front door.)
  42.  
  43. (Doug knocks on the front door.)
  44.  
  45. GRACE
  46. What?! You said he's coming an hour from now!
  47.  
  48. (Doug knocks on the front door.)
  49.  
  50. (Doug knocks on the front door.)
  51.  
  52. (Doug knocks on the front door.)
  53.  
  54. TRIP
  55. No, he's right on time!
  56.  
  57. GRACE
  58. Trip...!
  59.  
  60. DOUG
  61. OPEN UP
  62.  
  63. (DOUG knocks on the front door.)
  64.  
  65. (DOUG knocks on the front door.)
  66.  
  67. (Trip opens the front door.)
  68.  
  69. TRIP
  70. Doug!!
  71.  
  72. TRIP
  73. Ah I'm so happy you could make it! -- (interrupted)
  74.  
  75. DOUG
  76. hi
  77.  
  78. TRIP
  79. Yeah, hi!
  80.  
  81. TRIP
  82. Wow, it's really really great to see you.
  83.  
  84. TRIP
  85. Well come on in!
  86.  
  87. TRIP
  88. Uh, it'll be just a sec while I go get Grace...
  89.  
  90. TRIP
  91. (unintelligable arguing)
  92.  
  93. DOUG
  94. dear god you two are MARRIED
  95.  
  96. GRACE
  97. No, no, here we are!
  98.  
  99. GRACE
  100. Doug,
  101.  
  102. GRACE
  103. Hi! How are you? I'm so happy to see you after so long!
  104.  
  105. TRIP
  106. Yeah, it has been a long time. -- (interrupted)
  107.  
  108. DOUG
  109. yeah
  110.  
  111. GRACE
  112. Aw, H-mmm (happy smile sound)
  113.  
  114. GRACE
  115. And I have to say, you look great.
  116.  
  117. GRACE
  118. Well, come on in, make yourself at home! -- (interrupted)
  119.  
  120. DOUG
  121. no I don't
  122.  
  123. GRACE
  124. Uh...
  125.  
  126. TRIP
  127. I'm gonna fix us some drinks.
  128.  
  129. TRIP
  130. Ah, you'll be the first to sample from my new set of imported drinking glasses.
  131.  
  132. (Trip closes the front door.)
  133.  
  134. DOUG
  135. I've been living in the sewers for
  136.  
  137. TRIP
  138. Let's have something fun,
  139.  
  140. TRIP
  141. like a cosmopolitan?
  142.  
  143. DOUG
  144. rs
  145.  
  146. TRIP
  147. Uh, well, you know what, I'm just going to make you a cosmopolitan.
  148.  
  149. DOUG
  150. 8 years
  151.  
  152. GRACE
  153. No no,
  154.  
  155. GRACE
  156. Doug, maybe you'd like just a simple glass of white wine?
  157.  
  158. DOUG
  159. no
  160.  
  161. TRIP
  162. Okay look I'm just going to open a bottle of merlot and make everybody happy.
  163.  
  164. DOUG
  165. JUICE
  166.  
  167. TRIP
  168. Oh, yeah, you know, I think I'll fix you a real drink in not too long... -- (interrupted)
  169.  
  170. (DOUG picks up a trinket 6.)
  171.  
  172. GRACE
  173. Oh, I've been, uh, collecting these sculptures for a while now... -- (interrupted)
  174.  
  175. DOUG
  176. SPIDERS
  177.  
  178. GRACE
  179. uh...
  180.  
  181. TRIP
  182. In terms of drinks...
  183.  
  184. TRIP
  185. What do you say Grace, I know it's not your favorite, but help us finish the bottle?
  186.  
  187. (DOUG puts down a trinket 6.)
  188.  
  189. (DOUG picks up the advice ball.)
  190.  
  191. GRACE
  192. I'm not in the mood to drink tonight.
  193.  
  194. (The advice ball reads, "I Doubt It")
  195.  
  196. (DOUG shakes the advice ball.)
  197.  
  198. GRACE
  199. Nothing for me.
  200.  
  201. TRIP
  202. Nothing?
  203.  
  204. (The advice ball reads, "Never")
  205.  
  206. TRIP
  207. (frustrated sigh)
  208.  
  209. GRACE
  210. Yes, you can help me understand where I went wrong with my new decorating, ha ha.
  211.  
  212. TRIP
  213. Grace, oh, no, we don't need to do that.
  214.  
  215. DOUG
  216. I hate all of you
  217.  
  218. GRACE
  219. Uhh, -- (interrupted)
  220.  
  221. TRIP
  222. Well hold on, hold on, take a closer look, give it a chance to soak in a little.
  223.  
  224. (DOUG puts down the advice ball.)
  225.  
  226. GRACE
  227. (frustrated sigh) -- (interrupted)
  228.  
  229. DOUG
  230. no
  231.  
  232. TRIP
  233. Ah, yes, Doug, I knew you'd like it. See, Grace?
  234.  
  235. GRACE
  236. (frustrated sigh)
  237.  
  238. GRACE
  239. I bet I can return most of this, and start over again on this room...
  240.  
  241. TRIP
  242. Grace, it seems no one has a problem with your decorating... -- (interrupted)
  243.  
  244. (DOUG comforts grace.)
  245.  
  246. GRACE
  247. Oh, heh, you're hugging me...
  248.  
  249. TRIP
  250. Oh, well that was nice, I'm sure Grace appreciates that. -- (interrupted)
  251.  
  252. DOUG
  253. no I wasn't
  254.  
  255. TRIP
  256. (little sigh) -- (interrupted)
  257.  
  258. DOUG
  259. gimme those drinks
  260.  
  261. DOUG
  262. asdksjdlkasjd
  263.  
  264. TRIP
  265. Here's your drink.
  266.  
  267. (DOUG picks up a player's drink.)
  268.  
  269. DOUG
  270. :D
  271.  
  272. GRACE
  273. Anyway...
  274.  
  275. GRACE
  276. Trip, it's okay if we disagree in front of our friend --
  277.  
  278. TRIP
  279. We're NOT disagreeing.
  280.  
  281. DOUG
  282. yes you are
  283.  
  284. TRIP
  285. Y -- yeah, yeah, no no no -- we're not disagreeing.
  286.  
  287. (DOUG sips his player's drink.)
  288.  
  289. TRIP
  290. Oh, Doug, I thought you might like this photo I just put up from our recent trip to Italy.
  291.  
  292. (DOUG sips his player's drink.)
  293.  
  294. (DOUG sips his player's drink.)
  295.  
  296. GRACE
  297. Uhh, it's a beautiful picture of the Italian countryside, of course he'll like it!
  298.  
  299. TRIP
  300. Grace, I know you don't like it, but our friend might.
  301.  
  302. GRACE
  303. By the way, anybody, join me on the couch if you like.
  304.  
  305. DOUG
  306. No it's ugly
  307.  
  308. TRIP
  309. What...? Doug,
  310.  
  311. GRACE
  312. Trip, that was just a well-intentioned little poke in the ribs between -- (interrupted)
  313.  
  314. (DOUG sits on the couch.)
  315.  
  316. GRACE
  317. Doug, this is making you uncomfortable. See Trip, was it really worth it to fly us all the way to Italy so you could take that inane picture?
  318.  
  319. GRACE
  320. (little sigh) I'll take the picture down later tonight before I go to bed.
  321.  
  322. TRIP
  323. Grace...!
  324.  
  325. TRIP
  326. (short petulant sigh)
  327.  
  328. TRIP
  329. Doug, this trip to Italy was meant to be our second honeymoon.
  330.  
  331. GRACE
  332. Oh, was that what it was? Huh, I'm always the last to know.
  333.  
  334. TRIP
  335. Grace, I wanted us to spend some time together...!
  336.  
  337. DOUG
  338. I hate honeymoons
  339.  
  340. (DOUG gets up from the couch.)
  341.  
  342. TRIP
  343. Doug, w - what's the deal?
  344.  
  345. GRACE
  346. Trip, he's probably just kidding around --
  347.  
  348. TRIP
  349. You know, we didn't invite you over here to hear that...
  350.  
  351. GRACE
  352. Okay, alright, he hears you. -- (interrupted)
  353.  
  354. DOUG
  355. yes you did
  356.  
  357. (DOUG sips his player's drink.)
  358.  
  359. (DOUG sips his player's drink.)
  360.  
  361. (DOUG puts down a player's drink.)
  362.  
  363. (DOUG picks up the white wine bottle.)
  364.  
  365. GRACE
  366. Trip thinks carting me off to Europe will, how did you put it, thaw me out a little bit?
  367.  
  368. (DOUG puts down the white wine bottle.)
  369.  
  370. (DOUG picks up the red wine bottle.)
  371.  
  372. (DOUG puts down the red wine bottle.)
  373.  
  374. (DOUG picks up a player's drink.)
  375.  
  376. DOUG
  377. FREEZING?
  378.  
  379. (DOUG sips his player's drink.)
  380.  
  381. (DOUG sips his player's drink.)
  382.  
  383. TRIP
  384. Uhh, you're driving me insane!
  385.  
  386. (DOUG puts down a player's drink.)
  387.  
  388. (DOUG picks up a player's drink.)
  389.  
  390. GRACE
  391. Ahh, no, I'm the one going insane!
  392.  
  393. (DOUG sips his player's drink.)
  394.  
  395. (DOUG puts down a player's drink.)
  396.  
  397. (DOUG picks up the white wine bottle.)
  398.  
  399. (DOUG puts down the white wine bottle.)
  400.  
  401. GRACE
  402. Thaw me out...
  403.  
  404. (DOUG picks up the advice ball.)
  405.  
  406. GRACE
  407. Trip, you think you're so romantic... but no you're trying to manipulate me! -- (interrupted)
  408.  
  409. (The advice ball reads, "I Doubt It")
  410.  
  411. DOUG
  412. I DOUBT IT
  413.  
  414. GRACE
  415. Huh? What is this you're saying?
  416.  
  417. (DOUG puts down the advice ball.)
  418.  
  419. TRIP
  420. (little impatient sigh) Doug, -- (interrupted)
  421.  
  422. DOUG
  423. I'm saying you are a bitch
  424.  
  425. GRACE
  426. What?!? That's really rude, where did that come from? You're acting crazy!
  427.  
  428. DOUG
  429. no you are
  430.  
  431. TRIP
  432. Goddamn italy...
  433.  
  434. TRIP
  435. I try to reach out to you, I try to be romantic with -- (interrupted)
  436.  
  437. GRACE
  438. Oh, yeah, -- (interrupted)
  439.  
  440. GRACE
  441. Uhh, can you -- can you just...
  442.  
  443. GRACE
  444. Goddamn second honeymoon...
  445.  
  446. DOUG
  447. Romantic lolno
  448.  
  449. GRACE
  450. Trip, our whole marriage, you're so... controlling!
  451.  
  452. TRIP
  453. Oh, god...!
  454.  
  455. GRACE
  456. Okay, you know what, Doug,
  457.  
  458. GRACE
  459. I need to ask you something.
  460.  
  461. DOUG
  462. trip let's have sex
  463.  
  464. (DOUG kisses trip.)
  465.  
  466. TRIP
  467. Grace --
  468.  
  469. GRACE
  470. Trip, let me ask our guest a question.
  471.  
  472. GRACE
  473. Doug, yes or no...
  474.  
  475. GRACE
  476. When you get married, you're just supposed to forgive and forget everything bad that happened before that, right?
  477.  
  478. DOUG
  479. No
  480.  
  481. TRIP
  482. What...?!
  483.  
  484. TRIP
  485. Oh, yeah, that's fine... that's fine...
  486.  
  487. TRIP
  488. Uhh, look, it's obvious we're not happy, Grace! I'm not happy, you're not happy, and no matter how much I try, I can't make us happy! I don't know what to do, goddammit!
  489.  
  490. GRACE
  491. Oh, that's great Trip!
  492.  
  493. (DOUG picks up the phone.)
  494.  
  495. DOUG
  496. boop boop boop
  497.  
  498. GRACE
  499. Uhh! Yeah, good, get away from me!
  500.  
  501. GRACE
  502. I can't stand you!
  503.  
  504. (DOUG puts down the phone.)
  505.  
  506. GRACE
  507. Goddammit!
  508.  
  509. TRIP
  510. What the... goddammit!
  511.  
  512. TRIP
  513. Doug, from what you said before, about being in sync... I think we've already learned something about Grace.
  514.  
  515. GRACE
  516. Oh, we're talking about me again, are we?
  517.  
  518. TRIP
  519. What?
  520.  
  521. DOUG
  522. yeah she's a jackass
  523.  
  524. GRACE
  525. Look, you're going to really make it bad if you keep criticizing me!
  526.  
  527. GRACE
  528. You know... uhh...
  529.  
  530. (DOUG sits on the couch.)
  531.  
  532. GRACE
  533. No let's -- let's focus on us, our relationship.
  534.  
  535. GRACE
  536. Trip, you just pretend to like all this stuff... fancy cigars, and fine wine...
  537.  
  538. TRIP
  539. You think I'm not good enough...!
  540.  
  541. GRACE
  542. I never said that! I'm saying there's more to you than -- (interrupted)
  543.  
  544. DOUG
  545. cigars suck
  546.  
  547. (DOUG gets up from the couch.)
  548.  
  549. TRIP
  550. No?
  551.  
  552. TRIP
  553. Yeah, I -- I have good taste...! I know about... mmm... wines... and stuff!
  554.  
  555. GRACE
  556. Ugh.
  557.  
  558. GRACE
  559. Let's keep the focus on us, our relationship.
  560.  
  561. GRACE
  562. Trip, can't you see, it's the way you speak, the way you talk to me...!
  563.  
  564. TRIP
  565. What, I'm not allowed to be angry?
  566.  
  567. GRACE
  568. You tell me what to do, you don't listen. -- (interrupted)
  569.  
  570. (DOUG picks up a trinket 3.)
  571.  
  572. GRACE
  573. All this stuff... mmm... Having all this money makes us so happy. We're so happy, aren't we Trip?
  574.  
  575. TRIP
  576. Jesus, what do you want! Now -- (interrupted)
  577.  
  578. DOUG
  579. oh shit a pineapple
  580.  
  581. GRACE
  582. No?
  583.  
  584. GRACE
  585. Doug, thank you. That helps me. Trip, see, I don't want all this stuff!
  586.  
  587. TRIP
  588. (annoyed sigh)
  589.  
  590. (DOUG puts down a trinket 3.)
  591.  
  592. (DOUG picks up a trinket 1.)
  593.  
  594. TRIP
  595. Christ, Doug, can we possibly talk any more about Grace's stuff tonight? (frustrated sigh)
  596.  
  597. DOUG
  598. okay who wants this dildo
  599.  
  600. TRIP
  601. Doug, (annoyed sigh)
  602.  
  603. DOUG
  604. it's so colorful
  605.  
  606. TRIP
  607. Doug, (frustrated sigh)
  608.  
  609. TRIP
  610. No we need -- we need to talk about us both, not just one.
  611.  
  612. (DOUG puts down a trinket 1.)
  613.  
  614. GRACE
  615. I think Trip's afraid of visiting his parents. He does everything he can to avoid seeing them.
  616.  
  617. TRIP
  618. Afraid of my parents?! My parents are idiots.
  619.  
  620. GRACE
  621. No, it's true...
  622.  
  623. DOUG
  624. parents are so silleh
  625.  
  626. TRIP
  627. See Grace, that's ridiculous. The only thing I'm afraid of is their bad taste might rub off on us... ha ha!
  628.  
  629. (DOUG sits on the couch.)
  630.  
  631. GRACE
  632. (frustrated sigh)
  633.  
  634. GRACE
  635. Let's keep talking about us, our relationship.
  636.  
  637. (DOUG gets up from the couch.)
  638.  
  639. TRIP
  640. You know what makes me so angry?
  641.  
  642. GRACE
  643. What?
  644.  
  645. TRIP
  646. How you've so conveniently forgotten how much you used to actually hate painting!
  647.  
  648. GRACE
  649. Doug, I -- I -- uhh...!
  650.  
  651. (DOUG picks up a trinket 4.)
  652.  
  653. (DOUG puts down a trinket 4.)
  654.  
  655. (DOUG picks up the brass bull.)
  656.  
  657. TRIP
  658. Grace, even though you're now a creative director at work, -- (interrupted)
  659.  
  660. DOUG
  661. bulls
  662.  
  663. GRACE
  664. Uhh, that brass bull... it's just so infuriating...
  665.  
  666. TRIP
  667. What?
  668.  
  669. GRACE
  670. How you put that goddamn 'gift' on display in our own living room!!! -- (interrupted)
  671.  
  672. DOUG
  673. this isn't brass
  674.  
  675. GRACE
  676. God, Doug, can we just stop talking about Trip's stuff, please? (frustrated sigh)
  677.  
  678. DOUG
  679. I thought this was yours
  680.  
  681. GRACE
  682. Doug, (frustrated sigh)
  683.  
  684. (DOUG puts down the brass bull.)
  685.  
  686. (DOUG picks up the advice ball.)
  687.  
  688. (The advice ball reads, "Sure Thing")
  689.  
  690. GRACE
  691. Doug, it's time that Trip finally just admits that our marriage --
  692.  
  693. TRIP
  694. Grace, don't, no, you don't need to --
  695.  
  696. DOUG
  697. SURE THING
  698.  
  699. GRACE
  700. Admits that -- (interrupted)
  701.  
  702. GRACE
  703. Yes?
  704.  
  705. GRACE
  706. Ah, thank you, just saying that helps me!
  707.  
  708. (DOUG puts down the advice ball.)
  709.  
  710. GRACE
  711. See, this -- this is how it's been for the past ten years!
  712.  
  713. TRIP
  714. Uhh...
  715.  
  716. GRACE
  717. We should -- we should talk about Trip.
  718.  
  719. TRIP
  720. Grace, c'mon, we can go back to the way it was when we started out, we were happy...!
  721.  
  722. GRACE
  723. Were we?
  724.  
  725. TRIP
  726. Y - y... yes! -- (interrupted)
  727.  
  728. DOUG
  729. yes
  730.  
  731. (DOUG sits on the couch.)
  732.  
  733. TRIP
  734. Yes?
  735.  
  736. TRIP
  737. Uhh, Grace, come on, don't change the past!
  738.  
  739. GRACE
  740. Uhh...
  741.  
  742. DOUG
  743. TIME TRAVEL
  744.  
  745. TRIP
  746. I tried to give Grace the best during our Italy vacation. The best hotels, the best food...
  747.  
  748. GRACE
  749. Do you hear yourself, Trip? The only thing you care about a vacation is that it's 'the best'.
  750.  
  751. TRIP
  752. Ugh!
  753.  
  754. DOUG
  755. god you people are boring
  756.  
  757. (DOUG gets up from the couch.)
  758.  
  759. TRIP
  760. No don't criticize me anymore, it's just going to turn this even more ugly!
  761.  
  762. DOUG
  763. fuck this I'm out
  764.  
  765. (DOUG picks up a trinket 1.)
  766.  
  767. TRIP
  768. Look, let's talk about us both, not just one of us.
  769.  
  770. GRACE
  771. Doug, you -- you blame me for all this, don't you?
  772.  
  773. DOUG
  774. I'm taking the dildo too
  775.  
  776. (DOUG puts down a trinket 1.)
  777.  
  778. TRIP
  779. See, Grace, you're the one turning this into such a big issue. In fact I saved you from wasting your life as an artist.
  780.  
  781. (DOUG knocks on the front door.)
  782.  
  783. (DOUG opens the front door.)
  784.  
  785. GRACE
  786. What? Oh my God.
  787.  
  788. (DOUG picks up a trinket 1.)
  789.  
  790. GRACE
  791. Doug, is that true, all of this is my fault? -- (interrupted)
  792.  
  793. DOUG
  794. yes
  795.  
  796. GRACE
  797. Yes?
  798.  
  799. GRACE
  800. Oh my God... you think I'm to -- (interrupted)
  801.  
  802. TRIP
  803. Doug, where are you going? Don't leave, we need your help here! -- (interrupted)
  804.  
  805. DOUG
  806. because you both are idiots
  807.  
  808. GRACE
  809. Uhh, you... uhh... does anyone... uhh...
  810.  
  811. DOUG
  812. MELONS?
  813.  
  814. GRACE
  815. Uhh...
  816.  
  817. GRACE
  818. No, look, I don't want to talk to you right now... uhh...
  819.  
  820. DOUG
  821. MELONS
  822.  
  823. TRIP
  824. Okay, Doug, you know what? I think you should leave.
  825.  
  826. DOUG
  827. OH WOW
  828.  
  829. (Trip opens the front door.)
  830.  
  831. TRIP
  832. We'll be fine -- you just have to go.
  833.  
  834. DOUG
  835. I HOPE YOU BECOME A HOBO
  836.  
  837. (Trip closes the front door.)
  838.  
  839. DOUG
  840. I still got the dildo :D
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