Vent

I do not fear death... I do not fear pain. I feel pain every day, physically, emotionally. It's not scary, I've been through the worst I will feel. I do feel fear, fear of the suffering of others. I have the faint memory of fearing death, and pain, and personal suffering... It got to the point where it has no dominion over my emotions now, but I do not wish it on others, and strive to prevent that.

I fear lonelyness, not the kind where I sit at home alone, I'm alone right now. No what I fear is being alone in life. Having no one to love, no one to live for. Live for has a few conotations I guess. you may think I think life itself is not worth living without someone to love, but that isn't what I mean. What I mean is, in day to day life, I have a plethora of people I would risk life and limb to defend, to keep safe, and allow to live happy lives. Like I said, I have no fear of personal suffering, my fear is the pain of others and my life takes back seat to that.

I've been in love... 3 or 4 times in my life (I'll discuss the or later). The first was in High School, first love. She showed strong initial interest in me, but rejected me when it came down to the wire. I still loved her though. She gave confusing signals for 2 years that kept me infatuated and persistant in doing what I could to make her happy. I tried my best, she even said I was her best friend at one point. One day though, she gave her heart away to a man I had little respect for. Devestated, but committed to putting her happiness above my own I continued to do my best as her friend for quite a few months before I realized I was just tortureing myself. She had someone to love, and love was being given to her... I felt it was safe to leave her life, and try and get on with my own.

My Second was a beautiful girl... short, chubby cheeks. I sent her a message online because she was just stunning and I needed to meet her. She was so bubbly and kind when I met her in person. She took a huge interest in me and made me feel important to her. It was certainly a new feeling from being neglected and repressed as I was in my first love. in hindesight there were red flags from the beginning though. Her anger was scary to say the least. If I said anything that upset her she would stop talking to me for days at a time. even little things that bothered her might result in hours of pure silence. Then the Drama started.. Her parents were constantly making her life hard, her mother would yell at her, she would be in depressed moods. She had very little good to say about them. Told me she was abused currently and throughout her entire life. She was arrested, but she assured me it was just a mistake. It was for perscription fraud and I had been with her to the doctors and I knew she needed the medicine she was getting, so It all made sense on my end. Many months later and we started noticing inconsistancies... We would ask when she had to go to trial and she would say wednesday the 13th or something, but then say wednesday the 6th she would call and say she had just gotten out of court. seemed like an easy mistake to make, mixing up wednesdays, but she wanted no support? it was a little odd. Then... the big guns came out... She told me she was pregnant. I, being the man I am, did EVERYTHING in my power to not make this any more stressful on her than it needed to be. I did everything, I told her I would be there for her, no matter what happened with the baby, that if she wanted to keep it, I would get a job. I did it too... I got a job, stayed enrolled in school for the semester as the child would not be born durring it anyways, I could maintain 15 hours of class and 40 hours of work a week.

Here is where that Or 4 comes into play... you see... I know it's dumb... I know it's weird... but I loved that child. It did not exist yet but I was immediately invested in this childs life. I don't know what it is, but Durring that time I felt a very difficult emotion to describe. an emotion I'm not sure a women can ever understand... But there's something I felt thinking of this women, with this life that came from me inside her. Loving something and loving that which contains it in such massive quantities, I personally meant so little when there was so much important to me in such a small space. She even told me I could name it... I chose two names I loved and I can no longer see my future children in my dreams and fantasies without those names. I was ready to sacrifice anything, put myself through any torture to make their lives HAPPY, SAFE, and HEALTHY.

It was all a lie though... after the pregnancy became known, people started to ask questions, do research. My parents found out she had been convicted of her crimes in the court... she had committed drug fraud... it was hard to accept. She was clever, she made it sound like pleading guilty was just the easy way out and that it saved court fees to just do a little community service. The truth was uncovered though, her sentance was for community service, she had lost her licence, and a few other small things, but the lies were really starting to add up. Her Sonigrams were taken to a Medical professional my family trusted. They were photoshopped... faked from the beginning. I had just started a new job for my child and its mother, the girl I loved and I was starting to believe I didn't know her at all. I was beginning to fall ill, the stress may have just been getting too high.. I don't know, but I was starting to think of ending our relationship. Thats when I got the call... at 3 in the morning on a friday night in bed with a fevor of 103. She called claiming to have been raped. I was on the scene as fast as I could and escorted to a hospitol by the police. Detectives came to me at one point and sat me down. They told me that what they were about to tell me was against the rules and they wern't supposed to share with me what they did, but they did it anyways out of charity. They had her phone as evidence and they showed me ongoing very sexual messages with other men. We had been together for over a year and they were rather current. There was evidence she had been cheating on me for quite some time. There's no scale that represents the devistation in my life at this point... I had lost a child who in a way never existed... I found out the girl I thought loved me was leading an entirely secret life, I was stuck in this job for at least 6 months while still maintaining my work in college full time, and I was losing my health. After a few days... I had to end things with her. I exposed what I knew... And ended it with her. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and honestly I'm not sure why. She moved back with her family (had been living nearby, but her family had moved to New Mexico a few months prior.) and I've never seen her or heard from her again.

I don't know what more to say about that really... for someone like me, that's basically one of the worst things that can happen you. The worst part of course... losing my child. I know it never existed, but I believed it did for some time. Enough time to truely love it. Emotionally I have prepared myself to be a dad, I have physically taken the steps to do what is nessisary for it,  I have sacrificed, and the part that hurt was it being taken away from me.

Months went by, and I was in serious depression. You know how friends always say "Man, if there's anything I can do, just let me know" and they all try to comfort you? seems sweet at first, until you realize how little they care, and how short they're actually willing to go for you. It was becoming more and more obvious how crappy my friends really were.

Fast forward 6 months, I was finally free of my 6 month contract with the investment firm I was doing computer programming for. I spent most of my time in the university commons. Friends never had me over, I commuted though they lived on campus. I would sit on this carpeted staircase under another staircase... it's hard to explain, but I would sit there. There were a lot of places to sit, but I liked this spot... there was usually a plug for my computer, and half the time, a nice girl would sit there. Very pretty. I greeted her when I noticed she was a regular, nothing big, nothing extravagent. just letting her know I was friendly, or at least trying to convey that message. Later I met another girl in that spot. Also very pretty talking with a guy, with some very colorful conversation. it was such a strange conversation eventually I just had to butt in and say something. I wasn't expecting much, but eventually the girl asked for my number, said I was interesting. I texted her for a while, nothing major, just talking. Eventually I found out she was friends with that first girl I talked about. Since I was talking to her friend I figured I might as well have an actual conversation with this girl I saw almost every day. She was very nice, found out she liked a lot of very cool things, at least cool to me, similar interests ect ect. Had a boyfriend back home, but she was a great person to hang around. She became one of my better friends. I really cared for her because she was incredibly sweet and innocent, and very sheltered in life by over-protective parents. I went over her place one day and we watched old spiderman cartoons. She had a friend come over who showed a lot of interest in me, we dated a short time, and I had pretty strong feelings for her, but a few months into it, she just couldn't tie herself down and be with just me. A depressing and abrupt end, but.. well, I'd seen worse days, that was for sure. I was finally feeling better and hanging out with that girl from the stairs on day, we had been spending a lot of time together when she told me she and her boyfriend were taking a break from eachother. Didn't think much of it then, but as I heard story after story of guys being... crude with her I finally told her to let me take her out and show her how a girl deserves to be treated. She agreed and I had a wonderful time with her. I began to realize how great she really was and started to get growing feeling for her romantically. They grew like wild-fire actually...

This brings me to my fourth love... I am in love with her even as I write this. She ended up back with her boyfriend from home, after not even a month break, but I had uncovered some pretty serious feelings. In a way, the feeling of being in love is always nice. it's just... caring for someone like that feels like it can't be a bad thing. My feelings are... stifled though.. repressed. it's an odd feeling. I still see her all the time, she texts me often, and I feel the need to speak to her more often than I'm willing to try and talk to her. It might be a bit much. I've shared my feelings with her to an extent, I may have played them off as less intense for her own benefit, but I let her know I feel for her romantically. I would do nearly anything for her, though I wont tell her that. She doesn't need to know she has that power, but her happiness, her wellbeing. it's all very important to me. More important to me than my own well being.

Remember how I spoke earlier of wishing for someone to live for, That's more or less what I mean. You see, as of certain periods of my life, Dying for most people would be easy. Living for someone is much harder than dying for someone. Giving yourself fully, making your life about them. I long for that someday. Honestly I'm not sure why I wrote this, but here it is. take from it what you wish.