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a guest May 25th, 2019 781 Never
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  1. Some police officers got stuck in an elevator and totally trolled them for it,
  2. This honestly looks like a b 99 plotline,
  3.  
  4. When the waitress takes your plate and there were still fries on it,
  5.  
  6. How did tumbler miss this joke,
  7. Ship,
  8. Spongebob, how long are you going to stay in your little fantasy world,
  9. Oh my god,
  10.  
  11. Its illegal to be cuter than me,
  12. We’re all going to jail then,
  13.  
  14. How to sound hip for the unhip,
  15. Elon musk about to tweet something embarrassing,
  16. Elon musk,
  17. Defeating traffic is the ultimate boss battle,
  18.  
  19. My name’s ed and this is justin beaver,
  20. My name’s ed and this is ryan gooseling,
  21. March versus june,
  22.  
  23. Failed panoramic,
  24. Define failed,
  25. Dude,
  26. The dream is collapsing,
  27.  
  28. What if gordon ramsay voiced a g p s,
  29. Great job, you missed the exit you fucking disgrace,
  30.  
  31. This rabbit is giving me attitude,
  32.  
  33. Tiny legs,
  34. I didn’t know marshmallows had legs,
  35.  
  36. A chunky boy reduced,
  37.  
  38. Elon musk, why is there no flat mars society,
  39. Flat earth society,
  40. Hi elon, thanks for the question, unlike the earth, mars has been observed to be round,
  41. We hope you have a fantastic day,
  42. Alsjdlhslkfhajk,
  43. What,
  44.  
  45. Fuck these six fish in particular,
  46. Just saw this on twitter help i can’t stop laughing,
  47. Every time i see this i start laughing,
  48.  
  49. If my goldfish can fit in a condom so can you,
  50. I just died,
  51. Oh my fucking god,
  52. W t f is wrong with you,
  53. Yeah man, what the fuck,
  54. That’s enough internet for me today,
  55.  
  56. Love this feeling,
  57. You fucking love shoving your feet in gross muddy grass, you like that, are you a frog, do you fuck frog too then, disgusting frog fucker,
  58.  
  59. Why is she wearing a dress if she’s just gonna let her rodent vagina hang out of it,
  60. Literally what i was thinking, she’s in a skirt for no reason, it doesn’t even go well with her top like girl, get it together,
  61.  
  62. Last night i had a dream that i met mother earth and if you were wondering what she looks like, it’s dwayne the rock johnson in a flowy white sun dress with really good winged eyeliner,
  63. You mean like this,
  64. The best part is that he would totally be down for this,
  65.  
  66. Cheerful goblin,
  67. My heart grew three sizes,
  68.  
  69. I just tried to take a mint like a fucking ibuprofen,
  70. You snorted a mint,
  71.  
  72. My dad whistles a specific melody when he comes to refill the bird feeders, the birds have started singing it when they’re empty,
  73. This bitch empty, tweet,
  74. The birds’ equivalent of bitch better have my money,
  75.  
  76. Zelda williams,
  77. Thought i could internet today but then i read an argument by a flat earther about immigration being bad because too heavy a concentration of people in one place might unbalance the plate, and now my brain hurts for them,
  78.  
  79. You, you kidnapped jack black, that’s illegal,
  80. But kermit, what’s more illegal, briefly inconveniencing jack black, or destroying the muppets,
  81. Kidnapping jack black, fozzie,
  82. Kermit is 100 percent of the other muppets impulse control,
  83.  
  84. Parents, happy birthday to you,
  85. Me, barely waking up,
  86. Parents, say cheese for the facebook baby,
  87. I’m sickening,
  88.  
  89. Me when my dog does something bad and my whole family starts getting mad at him,
  90.  
  91. I think it’s funny how christianity made a big deal about mary being impregnated by god and everyone was like, oh my god the son of god, we must worship him listen to his great wisdom,
  92. Meanwhile, if you said god knocked you up in ancient greece they’d just be like, yeah, me too,
  93.  
  94. I’m sure this has been asked before but would vampires drink period blood, and more importantly would the clumps just be a bonus for them,
  95. Ever had a bubble tea,
  96. I’m going to hurt all of you i’m going to hit both of you with a heavy rock,
  97.  
  98. My friend just rigged it so she and her friends could play mario kart on the side of a house for someone’s birthday,
  99. Your friend is a god damn treasure,
  100.  
  101. Does anyone else remember the shrek version of american idol that was in the bonus features of shrek 2 or was that just some crazy dream i had,
  102. It’s real,
  103.  
  104. Skeletons aren’t scary,
  105. We’re filled with this pulsing, oozing, meat,
  106. And y’all think the skeletons are scary,
  107. The meat’s scary,
  108. The meat,
  109. It’s midnight and this tweet is giving me a heart attack,
  110. Fear the meat,
  111.  
  112. I’m standing at the bus stop and some high schoolers were trying to decipher the new time table before eventually saying i d k ask the witchy goth lady, before promptly turning to me and saying, excuse me ma’am, when’s the next bus,
  113. This is it, i’ve finally reached the peak aesthetic, i’m the local witch and i’m not even wearing a hat,
  114. I should buy a hat,
  115.  
  116. Picks up dog’s left paw, no wedding ring, interesting,
  117.  
  118. When you in a group chat and someone from the chat messages you from outside the chat, that shit be feeling mad serious, like why we whispering fam,
  119. L m f a o why we whispering,
  120.  
  121. I don’t need to go to bed, i’m not tired, i’ll be fine,
  122. But, darling, i’ll be so lonely without you,
  123. Come curl up in my arms so i can feel whole again,
  124. Oh oh, well, are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns,
  125. Is it working,
  126. The amount of people tagging this as this would work on me, is intensely funny you’re all so fucking valid,
  127.  
  128. Adults keep saying, we owe it to the young people to give them hop,
  129. But i don’t want your hope, i don’t want you to be hopeful,
  130. I want you to panic, i want you to feel the fear i feel every day,
  131. And then i want you to act,
  132. I don’t want you to be hopeful, i want you to feel fear, this girl is 43 levels of metal,
  133.  
  134. May i interrupt your scrolling with a turtleduck,
  135.  
  136. The best way to draw a frog, is to give it as few frog qualities as possible, just enough that it barely registers as a frog,
  137. Like this,
  138.  
  139. My sister just walked into my room, grunted oil and promptly collapsed on the floor,
  140. Fuck she got possessed by america,
  141.  
  142. Life hack,
  143. Got something you need to do at a certain time every day, example take meds, start giving your cat a treat right before you do it, you may have trouble remembering, but your cat absolutely will not,
  144. That’s a damn good advice,
  145. A cat wrote this,
  146.  
  147. 8 years old, college reading level, the weight of the world on my shoulders,
  148. 20 years old, illiterate, the weight of the universe has given me chronic back pain,
  149.  
  150. The dopest thing about horses is that they’re basically grass engines,
  151. Like, grass goes in, fast comes out,
  152. Most things that produce fast, like cheetahs, and cars, use much more heavily processed grass, like horses, and oil,
  153. And yet here horses are, producing the fast with only the grass,
  154. Are you okay,
  155.  
  156. Why do people get so weird around wheelchair users, i’m literally just a person sitting down,
  157. You’re sitting down and moving at the same time like some kind of witch,
  158.  
  159. Today my diet has consisted of five guys and popeyes so i’m probably gonna live forever,
  160. You ate, 5 whole people,
  161. 6 counting popeye,
  162.  
  163. Til vikings used the bones of slain animals when smithing new weapons believing this would enchant the weapon with the animals spirit, this actually made the weapons stronger because the carbon in the bones couples with the iron made a primitive version of steel,
  164. Fuck off egghead it’s because of bone magic,
  165.  
  166. Waitress, i’m sorry we’re all out of mozzarella sticks,
  167. Waitress, sir please stop crying,
  168.  
  169. Me interviewing a bird on my porch, so is it scary to fly in the rain,
  170.  
  171. Why do people draw the sun with sunglasses,
  172. How is he supposed to protect his eyes from the sun if he is the sun,
  173. He has to protect his eyes from your face,
  174. Ouch,
  175.  
  176. Me, pleasantly skipping that one song on my playlist despite never deleting it out of pure laziness,
  177. I used the wrong picture,
  178. I’m glad everyone thinks that it still fits,
  179.  
  180. Sassiest in the office,
  181. This picture alone tells you she was robbed,
  182.  
  183. Be sure to pee after sex so you don’t get an h d m i,
  184.  
  185. I am venom, and you are mine,
  186. In this universe it’s eddie that goes up venoms ass to control him,
  187. It wasn’t a competition, and yet you won,
  188.  
  189. New yorker 1, on his deathbed, b bada bing,
  190. New yorker 2, crying, bada boom, bada boom,
  191.  
  192. Feed him,
  193. He is deciding,
  194.  
  195. What is it about wednesdays,
  196. It’s friday,
  197. Make your own post, this one’s about wednesday,
  198.  
  199. I had no idea that chickens could, float, or swim, i don’t know why i’ve never thought of chickens as buoyant, i never picture anywhere near water, what else have i been missing,
  200. C’est les swimming poules,
  201. Reblogging for the pun and the pun alone,
  202.  
  203. I just scooted my chair and felt the vibrations in my asshole, does this mean i’m gay,
  204. That was just me sending chakra vibrations to you prostate don’t worry about it bro,
  205. Okay bro vibes received, namaste,
  206.  
  207. Tiggers gotta bounce if he wants to taste that honey,
  208. Please receive christ,
  209.  
  210. Why do my ribs hurt,
  211. It’s the ribs,
  212. Damn my school nurse has a tumbler huh,
  213.  
  214. Iron man, and captain america meeting in stuttgart, germany,
  215.  
  216. I’m not a power bottom, i’m a power ranger,
  217.  
  218. Teammate, you suck,
  219. Me after playing overwatch and getting 6 kills and 20 deaths, i carried our team you stupid bitch,
  220.  
  221. A rescued earless seal finds toy version of itself, can’t stop hugging it,
  222. Everyone liked that,
  223. Oh boy,
  224.  
  225. Boss make dollar i make dime so i watched top 10 fortnite deaths on company time,
  226.  
  227. Friend, wow, you have so many ideas and fanfics started, how do you do it,
  228. Me,
  229. God has cursed me for my hubris and my work is never finished,
  230.  
  231. Who is she,
  232. Marie kondo,
  233.  
  234. Anonymous asked,
  235. Do you know of any jason porn, i really want to go down on him while he wears the mask, but obviously that’s impossible, ha ha,
  236.  
  237. Noises and what they mean,
  238. Me trying to comprehend anything anyone says to me,
  239.  
  240. A concept, the great fratsby, which is essentially the plot of the great gatsby but set in a frat house,
  241.  
  242. Crop circles,
  243. Everybody, aliens,
  244. Nobody, corn is sentient,
  245.  
  246. Why,
  247. We must listen,
  248.  
  249. Kool aid baked chicken wings,
  250. I’m convinced that jesus cancelled his second coming a while ago,
  251. Watch these be fire though,
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