Tom Tucker: Coming up next? A boxing match where boxers are bleeding before the fight.
Tom Tucker: The same thing happened to me... but with a mustache.
Tom Tucker: Okay, our next spelling bee contestant is Omar Mahajar-ifaah... something September 11thy. All right, Omar, your word is "candy".
Tom Tucker: We're now down to our final two competitors: Peter Griffin and Omar North Tower. Omar, you'll be going first. Your word is "coagulate".  Ooh! I'm sorry, Omar! Bet you could spell "box cutter".
Tom Tucker: Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, important traffic news that can't help you because you're some place where a TV is.
Tom Tucker: Which leads many political analysts to ask the question: Can a woman really be mayor? Or will she just menstruate all over the city? Stay with us.
Tom Tucker: Well, the election results are pouring in, and it looks like it's gonna be a tight one. Which reminds me Diane, when was the last time you--ah, forget it.
Tom Tucker: In other news, former president Bill Clinton was in town today to judge Quahog's annual "Miss Cankle USA" contest.
Tom Tucker: Coming up, a New Orleans man says his socks are finally dry.
Tom Tucker: Over two hundred reports of ear sex have been confirmed so far, prompting a new slogan, "Once you go Black, you go deaf".
Tom Tucker: Our top story tonight: A woman loses her sex drive after a $125 dinner at Alfredo's.
Black Tom: But first: That orange thing in the sky, and what you can do to please it.
Tom Tucker: Coming up next, America's hottest new curse word: "kleeman". We'll tell you what it means right after this.
Tom Tucker: Well at least you're in no danger Diane since you only visit church to leave your self delivered, unwashed, half dead newborns on the back step. Coming up how to turn your unwanted change into foldin' money.
Tom Tucker: Peter, I'm flattered that you came to me and we'll be back after these messages...and we're back. Peter, if you want to control content, you'll have to start your own TV station.
Tom Tucker: Coming up next, A pig who refuses to eat jews? After this.
Tom Tucker: And there you have it. Coming up next, "Watch me shave."
Tom Tucker: Coming up next: Handsome mustachioed man recaps news in pleasing baritone
Tom Tucker: School children washing cars to raise money for charity. Is there anything more arousing?
Tom Tucker: In other news: There was trouble at the White House today when President Bush stuck his finger in an electrical socket. When asked why he did it, the president replied "Cheney told me that was where leprechauns hide their gold"