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May 29th, 2017
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  1. =Protected Entry=
  2.  
  3. I have no idea what the fuck just happened. My hands are shaking very badly right now, and it's making it hard to type. Fucking laptop.
  4.  
  5. Christ, all of me is shaking very badly right now.
  6.  
  7. They gave me a date and a time, and told me to bring my gear. I asked one of the other guys what he thought they meant by bringing your gear.
  8.  
  9. "Eh, y'know, I don't think you need ALL your shit."
  10.  
  11. Thanks, asshole, very helpful.
  12.  
  13. I checked the list. I had to drive all the way to Washington to get a PPK (I now own a PPK. Me. I own a gun), and I wasn't sure how much ammunition you're supposed to bring. One box seemed like a lot, but then it looked very small in my bag. I ended up bringing two boxes. Spent the whole weekend practicing how to load it. The bat was easier; I must have looked like a complete weirdo in the Sports Authority, carrying half a dozen baseball bats over to the weightlifting department and whaling on a heavy bag, but I ended up with one that felt like it was hitting pretty hard without feeling too heavy. It's aluminum, which I guess is standard.
  14.  
  15. It took me all morning Monday to get my hands wrapped.
  16.  
  17. Monday afternoon, 2 pm, was my appointment, and I thought it was going to be a one-on-one exam, but when I showed up the lobby of the place was full of guys. Have I mentioned I'm not very good at talking shit? Luckily, all you really need to be able to do to fit in with a group of Scouts is tell people their mother is a lesbian and they are gay. I think I managed that part alright.
  18.  
  19. It was almost 2:30 before anyone actually came out to talk to us, and then we got herded into a gym and lined up on one of the marks on the floor. I think the guy in charge explained what was going on, but I couldn't hear him, because the two guys on either side of me were arguing about which one of them was more homosexual. Then he blew a whistle and left the room, and /all fucking hell broke loose/.
  20.  
  21. I can now state with some authority that getting hit with a baseball bat hurts a lot, and I'm never going to be able to watch that scene in Casino ever again.
  22.  
  23. I thought I was going to die.
  24.  
  25. I /did/ die.
  26.  
  27. Shit, shit, shit, I really did. I'm not even making this up I died guys I am dead and I died
  28.  
  29. but I got better
  30.  
  31. and that's not even a Monty Python quote, alright
  32.  
  33. I really shouldn't be smoking if I'm going to be running around for a living but I really need a Djarum right now.
  34.  
  35. I /died/. Like, literally. I saw the bat come down at my face and everything went white and then everything /stopped being/.
  36.  
  37. And then I was sitting on a bench in a locker room, perfectly alright, not even a little achey, and -
  38.  
  39. When I was a little kid the school playground had this merry-go-round thing. There was a part you could sit on, like a wheel, and you could either kick the ground to make it spin, or - and this is what pros did - you'd run around the outside of it until it was going as fast as you could get it, and then you'd jump onto the seat and hold on for your life. Once I slipped when I landed and hit my head on the metal handbar. I probably got a concussion, because I remember jumping onto the seat, and then suddenly I was lying across the seat with the world spinning around me, trees swingset road trees swingset road trees, and no idea of where I was or how I'd gotten there or how I could make things make sense again.
  40.  
  41. That was how I felt, sitting there on a perfectly stationary bench in a perfectly stationary locker room.
  42.  
  43. I threw up on the guy next to me.
  44.  
  45. He called me a queermo.
  46.  
  47. Apparently I came in third-to-last, which means I really am a queermo forever and ever in the eyes of every other Scout on the planet, and I didn't even know this thing was being scored.
  48.  
  49. Christ, I died.
  50.  
  51. I'm hoping this whole thing will make a lot more sense to me later but I've been hoping that since 3:00 this afternoon and it isn't working yet
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