teslatricityToday at 8:49 PM
This is what I mean when I say it's the same horse in a different rodeo. We are on this carousel where I say I'm hurt and you say I am not doing enough. You apologize for things you say and do, but I never see any changes. It feels like a betrayal every time you apologize for hurting me, only to go on and hurt me again and then turn it back on me and accuse me of not doing enough to accomodate you. That's why I have such trouble trusting your apologies now, because I haven't seen them backed up by a lot of action to change the behaviors that precipitate them and it just starts the cycle again. You know the things you do that hurt me, but it seems like you're unwilling to take steps to actually work on those things while expecting me to do this heavy lifting. And until these changes are made--changes I am working on in therapy, by the way--I don't know if I can go on this ride again.

ammayToday at 8:52 PM
What do you want me to do?
It feels like I'm beating my head against a wall continually because I don't know what to do that will make this ride stop.
I suppose, in short, I could say this:
I am reluctant to change, to move forward, because I no longer trust you.
This isn't meant to hurt you, so please don't assume that I'm going to start this ride again, I'm just explaining things from my end.
I don't want to change because I don't see any reason to, nor believe that me changing my behavior will in any way, shape, or form change things.
Nothing I have seen, nothing that has been said, nothing that has been done at all indicates that forward motion is something that can be achieved, and therefore I get resentful and stubborn and dig my heels in because like hell I'm going to be the only one changing in this scenario.
I am sorry that I've hurt you, and I'm sorry this is where we're at.
And I'm sorry I have difficulty moving past this point where I don't think things CAN change.

teslatricityToday at 9:12 PM
Well, until you do I think it might be best for both of us to get off the ride. I have told you what I want and what I expect and to be met with this unwillingness and stubbornness breaks my heart. In light of this I don't think it's a good idea for you to come in April because it seems clear to me that whatever's going on here won't be resolved by then.

ammayToday at 9:13 PM
I'm not unwilling, Lana.
I want to be that friend for you, I want to make sure you know that I love and support you.
And that I respect you, and care for you.
But, going back to the cornered, injured animal metaphor b/c it's the best thing I've got and by god I'm gonna milk it until I can't anymore, I need a reason to give it a shot again. B/c all I've gotten so far is just "well change comes slow" and decisions and assumptions made for me, instead of any attempt to actually address the things I'm concerned about.
I'm reluctant to move forward b/c we're trapped in this circle of hell, and every time I think we're going to go forward we always come right back here again.
And I've played a part in that, I know I have, but it isn't just me.
I want to take the steps forward with you, at an even pace.
But it seems like you're constantly asking me to sprint ahead just on the hopes that maybe, eventually, you'll get halfway there.
And because I love you, and I love being friends with you, I do. But you never get there, something always comes up.
I understand that you think I'm asking you to do the sprinting ahead, and I apologize that that's how this has come across when all I really want is for us to take it step by step.
Together.
But yeah, I probably shouldn't come in April anyway.

teslatricityToday at 9:25 PM
I am asking you to treat me with respect and kindness. You always seem to assume the worst of me, and that hurts, because I try to see the best in you and give you the benefit of the doubt even when things you say and do hurt me. I think there's just a lot of soul-searching that needs to be done and demonstrated before I can trust that you mean what you say.
I hope you enjoy the rest of your time in Hawaii. Have a good night.