a guest Nov 13th, 2018 235 Never
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- So, I'd like to address some things going on right now because apparently this is a thing I feel like should be done. First, I left FBW months ago because I actually wanted to focus on work and kept chatting in here instead of doing work. I didn't ragequit or anything.. Do i come back and search my name? Yes. Am I narcissist? Of course. But, I wanted to make sure if i came back I wasn't coming back to a bunch of people who hated me, because my chat on twitch was getting pretty bad. I saw a bunch of vitriol, so I would poke back every once in a while and see if people stopped saying mean things so that maybe I could come back. I saw that wasn't happening so I stayed gone. I figured if i just left fbw the bullying would stop. It didn't.
- I'm overly emotional, that's true. In fact, Lmaster said I'm an angry person, which is the first time i've heard that. I'm depressive, self-loathing, and many other things. I don't really handle being public well, I know this too. Every scene I've been in, I've left when i start to become public because part of being depressive I don't think im fit.
- What's going on with my streams? Well, there are a bunch of people who think they got banned because they "stated a fact' or something. People got banned because I asked them to stop being annoying about things, and they didn't. They had to win an argument I wasn't having. Somehow this triggered more people to not like how I run my stream. That's fine. Do I think _some_ of my ladder opponents are smurfs? Sure. When I come back to this channel, i see people actively talking about trying to smurf me, so when i see a name i know from this channel i get suspicious. Not doubting the fact that when I do run into people from this channel, I always lose. L_Master for example, back in SB and ICCUP days, I didn't hold a candle to L_Master (and after 1-6 on ladder it seems that's mostly still true), so when I saw someone actively in my chat, go silent, come back after a gruelling 1-5 ladder session come in and say "wow, what a few games" you can see how my perception saw that as smurfing.
- Am I toxic? A little, but not overly. I don't actively tweet out or call out people. I dont shit talk my opponents in game, i merely say what im thinking aloud when im streaming. is that bad? probably, but I try to respect my opponent as much as i can by not being aggressive directly _at_ the person behind the computer. Sometimes I fail. If you want to chastise me for that, fine.
- Criticism is fine in small doses. I dont think people understand how much criticism i get though. I'm bad, I know i'm bad. i'm trying to get better, i really am. you can ask nyoken how i ping him replays to give me advice. i have a notebook im going to start writing more things down on. however, when everyone in chat is giving you constant criticism this triggers the depressive part of me thinking im just awful at the game. i see my mistakes more because 20 different peopel are giving me "advice" and the worst part is most of it bad advice, or made out to be "how can you not do this one easy thing" which how am i supposed to feel when i know i cant do that easy thing? I'm actually really open to 1 on 1 criticism, advice, etc, but when it's the mob yelling at me it's hard to handle it. Did i handle day9's advice poorly? You betcha and im going to apologize to him next time i see him.
- I think a lot of people think i believe im 100% right and thats so far from the truth. I get sad and depressed on stream because i know im doing wrong, and im doing bad. but what i ask is to be treated like a human. i dont have any friends in this scene. fuck, i was on the verge of tears last night deciding if i should cancel HAY and give up on yet another game. i had to reach out to doc and jaeyun to _find_ people to talk to. no one comes to me and asks me how i am, why i do this, or anything. everyone just assumes im some asshole who thinks he's larger than the world and that's... not me. so i dunno what to do.
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