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Luna Greentexts: Zombies Don't Exist

Mar 27th, 2015
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  1. >"Zombies, Anonymous?"
  2. "Yes, zombies."
  3. >Luna rolls her eyes.
  4. >"There exists chimeras, manticores, cockatrice, cragodiles, and several hundreds of other dangerous creatures, and you claim you are afraid of zombies, which do not exist."
  5. >She leers at you in a confused manner.
  6. >"Surely you jest."
  7. "Not at all. Zombies freak me out."
  8. >Her irate expression doesn't change.
  9. >"How can you possibly be afraid of something that doesn't exist?"
  10. "How do you know they don't exist?"
  11. >"I am over a thousand years old, Anonymous. I ruled this country for some time before my banishment, and since my return, have learned of what I have missed. There have been no counts or records of zombies in Equestrian history."
  12. "And that's what makes it creepier. It's a 'do they or don't they' thing they've got going on!"
  13. >She sighs.
  14. >"I can prove to you they don't exist. My knowledge on zombies is minimal, so please tell me what their conditions for appearing are, and I will prove they do not exist."
  15. >There were too many zombie concepts to count, so you figured you could try and hand her each one.
  16. "Well, zombies can come about most famously by enchanting dead bodies with magic to bring them back to life."
  17. >You and Luna are instantly teleported to a graveyard.
  18. >A magical aura appears over a mound of dirt in front of a tombstone, then disappears as quickly as it came.
  19. >Silence permeates the air as you and Luna watch the grave for anything unordinary.
  20. >"Hm, that was a mind control spell. Since nothing happened, we can assume it won't create a zombie."
  21. "But-"
  22. >"Next."
  23. "Whatever," you shake your head, "Another way zombies can come to life is through disease. There's always some special kind of virus that makes normal, living things into zombies."
  24. >Three books on Equestrian health and disease manifest themselves in front of Luna, who flips through the pages quickly with her magic.
  25. >She eyes the pages with a stern look, then frowns at you once she snaps the last one closed.
  26. >"There are no diseases that cause such symptoms."
  27. "That's just three books, though."
  28. >"I have read far more than just these. The only reason I read through them is because they are the most up-to-date encyclopedias on health and disease. Would you like to spend a decade going through each sentence of over millions of books?"
  29. >The books disappear with a poof.
  30. >"Any other theories on how they come into existence?"
  31. >Was there?
  32. >You thought there were tons, but there's only those two that come to mind.
  33. "Uh...no?"
  34. >"So then why are you afraid of something that doesn't exist?"
  35. "Because zombies are SCARY, okay!?" you snap.
  36. >"Right. Mindless, undead drones that can continuously assault you while sustaining normally fatal injuries, usually traveling in innumerable packs, and can make another living creature into one of them with a simple bite."
  37. >She paused, realizing all that she had just said.
  38. >"Hm, that is frightening."
  39. "Right?"
  40. >"They still don't exist, though."
  41. "Doesn't mean I'm not afraid of them."
  42. >Luna's hoof meets her face. "Look, Anonymous, my point is that you must stop hounding me to save you from your nightmares involving zombies. I have saved you five nights in a row from the same dream."
  43. >She raises an eyebrow.
  44. >"Speaking of which, how is it that you keep having the exact same dream over and over?"
  45. >You try to avoid eye contact with her.
  46. "...I've been reading a book about zombies for the past week."
  47. >"Then stop reading it."
  48. "But I can't! I need to know what happens to Vee Smeverett and Clopentine!"
  49. >"Vee dies at the end."
  50. >She did NOT.
  51. "Why would you tell me that!?"
  52. >"To make you stop reading the book! I am not your dream foalsitter, Anonymous!"
  53. >As you and her teleport back to the castle, you mumble angrily to yourself, having been spoiled of the ending.
  54. >"Now go to bed, Anonymous," she says once you return. "And I'd best NOT find you having another zombie nightmare."
  55. "Fine," you say, "I'll just read the next book I had in line!"
  56.  
  57. >You are Princess Luna.
  58. >You are once again patrolling the realm of dreams, checking on your subjects as they sleep.
  59. >Suddenly, you feel as if an alarm has gone off inside your head.
  60. >Somepony was having a nightmare!
  61. >Teleporting yourself into the nightmare, you observe your surroundings.
  62. >A large corn field, a starry night sky, and a farm in the distance.
  63. >This was a nightmare?
  64. >This seemed perfectly peaceful.
  65. >As suddenly as you had come to that conclusion, however, a large beam of light accompanied by a loud humming engulfed you, raising you high into the air.
  66. >Helpless, you could only wait for something else to happen.
  67. >You passed an odd screen, and were met with a trio of little blue creatures.
  68. >"Hree snurvadal woprosse?" one of the creatures clicked in its native tongue.
  69. >"Antrish eddfli opeosn."
  70. >"Oh, Luna!"
  71. >You looked over to the left to find who else but Anonymous strapped to a metal table, naked.
  72. >"Thank your sister you're here! Think you could help me out?"
  73. >Tomorrow, you would hide all of Anonymous' books.
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