War is hell

    Never tell your password to anyone.
    C4rnage: Kyle?
    Buttocks of Much Heat: Chris! How's it going?
    C4rnage: it could be better, you served right?
    Buttocks of Much Heat: In the marines? Yeah, I was deployed.
    C4rnage: Did you go through a bought of depression?
    Buttocks of Much Heat: Are you kidding me? that shit doesn't go away easy. or, altogether.
    C4rnage: Remember my sister Sandra?
    Buttocks of Much Heat: Yeah
    C4rnage: She was deployed, got back a month ago. She's not doin great. Think you can talk to her?
    Buttocks of Much Heat: Sure. Want me to call?
    C4rnage: Nah she's right here, I'll hand her over to you.
    C4rnage: hey
    Buttocks of Much Heat: Hey Sandy! long time no see! Last time we talked you were just 17! =P
    Buttocks of Much Heat: Not doing well eh?
    C4rnage: Not really.
    Buttocks of Much Heat: Look. I been there. I'm STILL there. I don't have night terrors as bad, or nightmares as often.. but they're still there. I still hate the 4th of July. but, with help.. I'm a functioning person.
    C4rnage: how? how do you just turn it off?
    Buttocks of Much Heat: You can't. We were taught to do a job, and we never understood what the job meant until we started, and by then it was too late. You can't break down in the middle of it. Some do, but look what happens to them. The fact you're a little shellshocked is a good thing.
    C4rnage: little? a good thing?
    Buttocks of Much Heat: I had a drill sargent who said this to us. "In Vietnam I wasn't worried about my brothers who came home traumatized. I was worried about the ones who didn't." In short, even the guy who shit down out throats for four weeks told us shit was gonna get rough, and it was human to be shellshocked.
    C4rnage: I hate that i am the monster people think i am
    Buttocks of Much Heat: Stop that. Civilians don't know the full story of why we were there. We do, theres shit we can't tell them, and then there's shit we emotionally can't tell them you know? don't let anyone tell you that you're a monster.
    C4rnage: do you have any idea what I did?
    Buttocks of Much Heat: Do you have any idea what *I* did? Theres some things I can never tell anyone. Hell, I was in a five month relationship with someone and as open as we were with each other, there were things I could never bring myself to tell them about my time there. War is hell.
    C4rnage: i suppose you're right. but what do i do now? i'm constantly reminded of my sins against those people.
    Buttocks of Much Heat: you could talk about them to me. I can't promise I'll share back, but I've been in the same boots as you. I'm not like a shrink or anything, I've gotten my hands dirty too.
 C4rnage: i've typed this over and over with shaking hands. I think I'm just gonna close my eyes and hit enter. while over there i fell in love with a guy a fellow soldier. we were both in the same platoon. one day we were supposed to go help some iraqi civilians who were held captive. sure, the real reason was because we believed one of us was there too. still though, we wanted to save them too right? so we get there. theres not a single tango there. all the prisoners are in the basement. our own lay on the ground in his own blood. the guy I fell in love with couldnt handle it. he took it out on a prisoner and shot them between the eyes. when he took aim at a little girl and he wouldnt listen to us.. I took aim and shot him in the ear. I killed someone I was in love with.. and I was praised for it. They called me a hero for that.
    Buttocks of Much Heat: Jesus Sandy. That's awful. While I did some awful things, that's pretty terrible. but you know what? they weren't wrong. you are a hero. you saved that girl and the rest of the prisoners. It's a shame what happened to your boyfriend. They turn us in to killers, and expect us to be able to turn it off at any given time. Some of us can't do that. I've seen brothers shoot themselves in their cots because they couldnt handle it. Are we better for handling it long enough to make it home? Not really. but we're stronger.
    C4rnage: everytime I hear the news about a soldier going postal on his family i get sad.
    Buttocks of Much Heat: aye. I know that feel. it kills me. it's awful he or she does that.. but at the same time I sympathize with them. the media doesn't know what it's like. I have a neighbor who likes to go on night hunts in the woods. I can clearly hear his riffle go off every couple of days and I dive for cover every time. I can't tell anyone that, because I don't want to worry them, but trauma is trauma.
    C4rnage: It might help me to hear what you've done that you have to live with
    Buttocks of Much Heat: I don't know if I can do that Sandra.
    C4rnage: please? I feel inhumane.
    Buttocks of Much Heat: Okay. I was a part of a recon platoon. One day we were supposed to over look a mobile squad as they drove from the base. There was a RSB that took out the first two humvees. The third one took the least amount of dammage, which is a miracle considering what a RSA bomb does. Watching it was pretty damaging, waiting for the dust to clear so we could see the damage wasn't the worst part. When it settled down we saw that the third one was dammaged and they were working on repairing it. As they were, a little iraqi boy was making a bee line for them. Grenade in hand. He was about 50 clicks away from them. I had no way of knowing if the grenade was live or not. but I took the shot. he couldn't have been more than nine, and thought we were there to harm him.
    C4rnage: I'm so sorry Kylie.
    Buttocks of Much Heat: Heh, haven't heard that name in awhile. but I think I'm okay now. Well, I'm better. like I said, survivors guilt and night terrors are pretty haunting.. but it DOES get better. Georgia has a nice benefit for us when it comes to therapy. Group therapy was really helpful. I advise you look in to it.
    C4rnage: Who should I call?
    Buttocks of Much Heat: I was given to Dr. Carny in Lindale, great doctor and he's a vet himself. his sessions and group sessions were something else. just don't expect to magically be cured. It's been some time and I still battle my demons from time to time. but, when I go see him and the others, it helps a lot.
    C4rnage: Thanks Kyle. and thank you for sharing that with me. I know it was hard. i want to get better and have a normal life.
    Buttocks of Much Heat: it takes time Sandra. Are you going to be a new person than you were before? Absolutely. remember how social I was before? now I like staying home. but like I said, because of talking, I'm functional now. You can be the same.
    C4rnage: I think I'm going to go make an appointment now. Can I call you sometime? or better yet you should call me. (number redacted)
    Buttocks of Much Heat:  Absolutely. I'm here for you, you're a friend, and a sister in arms. I will do whatever I can to help.