For him.

Firstly, happy birthday :) hope you have a great day, wherever you are in Japan hehe. I miss you ):

Wow. It's been a pretty insane year. let's start from last year, I'll try and remember the best I can. To be honest, I didn't reallt know you at ALL. I can't remember you in my memories at the start of year 9. If someone asked me if I knew that you were going to <u>change my life</u>, I wouldn't have any answer but no.
Do you believe in fate? I do. We were brought together for a reason. I know you don't want to think about camp, but it brought us closer. Sure, times were bad and we weren't the closest of friends, but we had <u>something</u>.

Time went on. I don't know when you started having feelings for me but all I can remember is just seeing you in a different light at around the time of that sci ext lesson. We just seemed to click. You understood me on a different level to all my friends. I knew exactly what you meant and vice versa.

That first kiss. Sitting on the drama block, holding hands, side-by-side. We both leaned in, biggest smiles on our faces. Haha, I remember Mnaan telling everyone to go away.
We became so good as kissing! Amazing. Perfect. (except for those instances where we were in a rush haha). Our bodies moved in sync without us even trying.
I loved the way we would always screw up the holding hands thing, always made me smile.

You seemed so happy with me, I could see it in your beautiful eyes. I was happy in your arms. I felt like you were holding me together when we hugged.
Those times at lunch and after school behind the Barbie box and around the corner were REALLY good. And who can forget strongbox! haha, I'm laughing while writing this, SO many good memories! hahaha I can't stop smiling.
 oh my gosh hahaha

<b> sigh.</b> you're sitting next to me, fixing up my itunes, cheers!
I don't even know what we are anymore. Haha to be honest, I never knew what we were. Boyfriend & Girlfriend, best friends, secret lovers, friends with benefits, you name it, we've been there. It's so hard to stay away from you know... there is SO much history between us. And we are the only ones in the world who will truly know our story. We can tell people all about the shit we've been through. But they'll never know the feelings behind our actions.
Woah. We have felt so much for eachother. Hate (almost, maybe just anger). Happy. In love. Sad. Worried. Betrayal... I think we both agree that love has been the most important, the one that has gotten us through it all. Those times where we've been angry, <u>jealous</u>, lied to ect., we always work it out! Because I love you. you love me. and right here, right now, it's all I need.
I could sit here and list all our memories but I'd still like to use my hand <b>after</u> this. (in a totally non sexual way!!) So I'll just choose a few.

Triathlon comes first to mind. Holt fuck I was soooo nervous, like I was to close to just giving up on the whole thing haha. I'm actually really happy that we didn't cross the river. I wasn't ready, even though I said I was. But omgosh it was <b><u>AMAZING!!</b></u> You're talented haha ;)
	"Don't look at me" LOL, good times.
Ah well anyways.
	Another memory that I will never forget is that time when we were fighting and <u>someone</u> decided t would be a good idea to send durty emailz to people :p yeah that made me supa mahd, but I forgave you. now it's just another memory :)
Aghh mind block, I can't remember anything right now D;
Fuck... pathways was niiiiice ;) Justin and Tom were really annoying. stupid fucking cockblockers. -_-
	oh, I hope yo don't mind if i stop talking about the past, my hand is hurting and plus, I'm fucking slack :D

I don't know how to start the serous stuff.... every time i think about the future - our future - my mood seems to drop heaps. What is there left for us? Life is so so so unfair... if fate brought us together for a reason, why is it that we are the only couple that can't ever be together?
I think it's important to figure out the reason we've been together for so long. Sure, the easy answer would be because we're in love with eachother, but WHY do we love eachother?
<y answer is because <b> we are both broken</b>. we've relied on eachother for so long, for everything. it can't be east to walk away from someone who has made such a difference to your life. Connor, you saved me. I was so lost before I met you. Like yeah, I'm still broken, but if we hadn't found love in eachother, things would've turned out a lot worse. I could come to you for anything, and vice versa. We had this infallable trust. that helped us with so many issues and personal demons. I tried to hard to be your rock, to help you. Even if I didn't make a huge impact, at least I can walk away saying I tried. I hope I helped :)

Imagine your life in 10-20 years from now. Where will you be? Who would you be with? Would you remember all this? I know the answer: <u>YES.</u>
Our relationship has never been one of those 'high school flings' where feelings don't run deep and aren't true. We have/had something so special and rare. Think about all the other couples. Their relationships don't last and don't have a lot of meaning.

The only reason we can't last is because we physically can't be together. If the world was a perfect world and I had freedom, we might end up being married, having kids, growing old together. Because I know in my heart that <b>you are the one I want to be with.</b> I love you so much baby. Everything  about you is perfect, exactly what I want and need. The little things, like the colour of your hair, the contours of your body, the way you duck your head when you're in a cute mood, the way you look into my eyes when you kiss the back of my hand