Sadokist's apology

The other night I spoke out of turn, and out of character. I was someone that I do not approve of, and someone that I do not recognize. I do not identify with anyone who would use derogatory and hateful language to belittle any individual, and I do not identify with someone who would wish harm on another individual, no matter what wrongs I feel they have done to me in the past. I have betrayed myself, and I am disgusted, disappointed, and in disbelief at my own actions. I was angered by what I saw when I watched the clips myself; at the incredulous and adolescent immaturity of the person and their indefensible (and, frankly pathetic) language… More so, because it was, and is, a person that I hold to extremely high standards: Me.

There are no excuses for what I said. Racism of any variety is absolutely despicable, and unacceptable. No person is void of judgement for their own actions, and that applies to me as well. While I appreciate people trying to play down the situation, there are no grounds to do so.

For the last three (and a bit) years I have done everything within my ability to provide for the community. From constant travel, to podcasts & interviews, and of course, casting. In that time I have had my fair share of outspokenness; some for better and some for worse. I am open and honest, and often state my own thoughts even if they go against that of the popular opinion. In all of that time, and the respective controversy, I have never done so with bad intentions. It is disgusting that a human should receive anything less than equal treatment due to their skin colour at birth. Anyone who knows me personally would attest that I don’t stand for it. I have called out others in our community for less, and hold myself to the same accountability... I would expect that of anyone in this situation.

In regards to further comments made toward a specific individual later in the stream, I very wrongfully made my personal grievances with them a public issue in a manner that is intolerable and simply unacceptable. Being a high profile talent/personality comes with burden that is not talked about enough, and often entails an unfair amount of goading, harassment, and even personal privacy violations. Despite that the individual(s) has continued to harass myself, as well as other members of the community (all while hiding behind a persona online - void of true consequence), suicide and mental health are both far too serious of an issue to speak crudely about. I understand that as much as anyone, from both learned and experienced events in my personal life - a life which I chose to keep private despite certain people’s best efforts to try and deprive me of that right. While I acknowledge that we receive often excessive amounts of harassment, it sadly comes with the territory. While that in itself is wrong (let alone something that should be actively discouraged), it does not give me an excuse to succumb to the same level of ignorance or behavior. I am representation of something bigger than myself, and I failed in my responsibility to uphold that position on this occasion. While I stand by my opinion on the individual I am speaking about, and publicly condemn his “contributions” to the community, I absolutely crossed a line saying that I wished ill-will onto them.

As of now, it is unclear what comes next.

So far my employers (of the ones who have contacted me) have bestowed enough trust in me to take the first step in handling the issue on my own accord. I respect and thank them for allowing me to do so. Certainly, there has been no shortage of opinions vocalized on various medias over the last day, and the sentiment of many of those are not lost on me. I respect understand the notion for further punishment, and will not appeal any decisions made by those that I have put in an awkward position.

I have made the decision on my own NOT to attend Pro League for the week starting on Tuesday, April 3rd, with time beyond that undecided as I weigh out my options and where I wish to see myself long term. It is no secret that I have considered moving on from CS/esports in the past, and last July I came very close to doing so. Three years of non-stop service to the industry has been a massive undertaking, and while it has been extremely rewarding, and I am very fortunate professionally, it has come at a massive cost personally. Perhaps (somewhat) ironically, I told many of my colleagues and friends that on my 29th birthday I was going to put in a better effort to focus on my fitness and well-being for the next six months in a bid to pursue other endeavours that would require me to be in a much better shape.

While many have suggested that a donation to a charity around one of the topics at hand would be a reasonable course of action, I feel that remittance should not serve as remission, and a charitable donation should not buy me the good graces of those of whom I have disappointed. It would be unjust for me to simply pay for my forgiveness. Should I choose to donate to charity at a later date, I will do so of my own discretion, and it will be done to a charity that I feel is suitable and of great intentions. It will be done privately.

I reiterate: There are no excuses. Esports as an entity does not stand for hate speech, nor is it tolerant of racial and/or violence within its community. I have misrepresented us all, and as a figurehead in our community I have let us down. I have failed those of you who have supported me, including my employers and their sponsors. I have failed my colleagues, who are now implicated by my hostile and horrible decisions. I have failed my family, who raised me to be much, much better than these incidents have suggested. And most regrettably, I have failed myself… The person that I hold to the highest standards.

And for all of that, I am truly, truly sorry.

Before every time I leave home, the last words that I whisper into Jayden’s (my dog’s) ear are “You be [a] good girl.”

Who am I to have not upheld my end of the bargain?

It is time that I did. It is time that we all do. The internet can be a hard and hostile place, often devoid of the appropriate consequences for our actions and words due to the supposed anonymity and impersonalization of its nature. I have said before that the best thing about the internet is that everyone has a voice, and the worst thing about the internet, is that everyone has a voice… It’s time we all use our voices more responsibly. It’s time that we look to be positive and encourage one another, rather than constantly try to tear each other down (no matter what the reason may be). We could all do well to learn to be more tolerant of others, and less quick to fire bashful cavil via our keyboards, because often, kindness can go a long way for both parties.

It’s up to you whether or not you choose to follow, but I will do my best to lead.