my reason spin
a guest May 19th, 2019 83 Never
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- Note for spin at the end:
- As you both know, I went to counseling for a time last year due to general anxiety and other reasons. During my time there we discussed a lot of things, diving into my past to try and find the source of my stress. I have a bad memory when it comes to a lot of things, but apparently it also led to me uncovering some memories I had repressed.
- I used to think that suppressed memories didn’t happen, but I have experienced it firsthand now.
- I’m having a rough time typing out this story. I’ve started and had to walk away on multiple occasions. I’ve had to think about it and never focused on the entire thing because it give me too bad of an experience and I need to step away, sometimes for a full day.
- I don’t expect anything to change after I tell you this. It isn’t a scientific journal linking X with Y due to Z, It isn’t anything more than me trying to explain myself, so that I don’t feel so insane with my harsh reaction to these things.
- Back in 2010 I went with my dad to florida to visit the NASA base and because my dad had some business there while he was working for General Motors. I have a few family members down there, and we decided to stay with my Uncle “Mike” who had a house with quite a few extra rooms. However it was only the 3 of us in the house most of the time. About 3 days into our trip, after we had gone to NASA headquarters at Cape Canaveral my dad had a few things to attend to with his job and left me alone. My Uncle and I mostly did our own things, I had a crappy old HP laptop that I was playing Plants vs Zombies on and watching some movies that I had on Itunes and he watched some stuff on the TV, smoked some cigars and cooked. On the 5th day (the 2nd day my dad was away) my uncle called me back to his room. He was in his 50’s and a bit overweight so needing assistance to pick something up wasn’t uncommon.
- I walked back to his room expecting to see him sitting in his favorite chair, but he was sitting on the bed instead. He patted down next to him, I walked over and took a seat. He put his arm around me, and asked if I was comfortable. I’ve always been a very scrawny kid and his hand completely covered my shoulder. He was very cheap and didn’t run the AC, which in florida meant you had to wear shorts and a t shirt or risk overheating. I told him it was very hot in the room, and at that point he stood up, leaving me on the bed alone. He closed the door and turned back to me before undoing his pants and telling me to take off my clothes as well. I was beyond the age of naiivity, but this was well before I had any kind of cell phone and I was hours away from anyone else I knew, on the other side of the united states. I did what he asked, and he had me strip down and pleasure him. It didn’t last very long, only about half an hour of different abuses, but after that he told me to grab my clothes and go take a cold shower. I remember standing in the bathroom and wondering if I should even bother locking the door, wondering if he was going to come in behind me. He didn’t, but it wasn’t a very long shower. I got dressed back up and went back to my games in the corner. My dad got back 2 hours or so later, we ate dinner, and the next day we went home on the plane.
- A few months after that my uncle started having health problems related to his smoking. He needed to go have blood dialysis and so he couldn’t go very far from his local doctor. That continued for a year or two but left him in even worse health, so he rarely leaves the state. I don’t visit with my Dad’s side of the family much, I haven’t even seen them in 2 Christmases. I went to florida once since then on a school trip my Junio year (5 year ago), but since it was such a focused visit (playing with the school band and Disney world) I didn’t have any memories come back up. Not until I really began counseling and thinking about why some things trigger a reaction and what they have to do with my history did things start coming back.
- As you know, I am a moderator on Funnyjunk, so I’m no stranger to loli/shota content. However it doesn’t trigger a bad reaction for me there because of the context. On FJ I’m in a position of authority, and removing the content against the rules is actually almost therapeutic in a way. In addition I don’t know the users posting that content, they are a faceless person breaking the rules and I have no problem removing it. There are a lot of situations though that I’m not in power, where I have to sit idly by and just let it happen. And the closer personal connection I have to those situations, the greater I am affected (such as MusicalGenius, an artist I’ve gotten commissions from, or FaberCastel, an artist I’ve been following for quite a few years and looked up to a bit).
- So that’s it. I’ve never told anyone this story in real life. I didn’t tell my therapist, I stopped seeing him soon after. This has been shoved in the corner of my mind for a while, and sometimes reaches out to fuel my anger or depression. I don’t think I need more therapy, I don’t think I can just “move on and ignore” the things I see and affect me. I just don’t want to feel insane for having such a harsh reaction to the content, when other people say “it’s just a picture, it’s just a fantasy, it’s not real” they are right, but not to me.
- This is all purely personal, my story, my experiences. I don’t expect anything to change, but I might have to make some changes.
- Late addition:
- Spin, this part is just for you, serg won’t see it.
- I didn’t have the strength to finish up this until very recently. I wrote some of the start and some of the end but I couldn’t dive into the real experience and trauma of what I went through. I know you have made a new F-list. It means you’re back to where we started at over a full year ago. I don’t know what to do now, and I don’t expect you to make that decision for me. I just… can’t keep going with a constant reminder. I feel worried every time I link something cute, or mention something risqué. Trying to be more casual worked for a while, but I don’t know how far it will go.
- Sorry if this ruins your evening.
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