Cleaning Android Monika (Comedy, 1,222 words)

>You've postponed it for months now!
>You've put it off, and put if off, and put it off...
>Now, it's time to clean!
>Time to clean Android Monika!
>Monika's been saying for a long time how she needs to be cleaned!
>She feels unsightly and embarrassed if she goes uncleaned for too long!
>It's been almost six months!
>Well then, let's do it!
>Promising Monika you'll see her soon!
>Holding her hand as you speak her shutdown password: "Flatlander Moni"!
>Monika limply slumping to the towel on the living room floor!
>Eyes glassy, nothing but maintenance systems functioning!
>She looks so beautiful when she's not angry at you for something!
>Her manual recommends to begin from the hair and work your way down!
>But you don't need a manual! You're smart!
>Opening Monika's mouth! Androids can brush their teeth, but Monika hates her electric toothbrush!
>You told her again and again how electric is better than manual, but she wouldn't budge! So, it's up to you to make everything squeaky clean!
>Enjoying the pleasant vibrations and whirring as you clean Monika's mouth!
>Pretending you're a dentist! Pretending you make $250,000 a year! This is awesome!
>Accidentally deforming Monika's lower left gumline with excessive force! Whoops! Hopefully she won't notice!
>And... done!
>Fetching the Shop Vac! Facetiously telling Monika to "open wide" and jabbing the tube into her mouth!
>Vrmmmm! Sucking out all the minty toothpaste froth!
>Pouring a little water in her mouth, too! Closing her lovely lips!
>Shaking her head violently back and forth to rinse!
>Vrmmmm! Sucking out all that rinsewater too! Careful! Watch that tongue, Monika!
>Yes, it's easy, so easy, to clean Android Monika!

>All right! As you just said: Easy peasy point and squeezy! What's next?
>Carefully popping out Monika's eyeballs!
>Those are a cinch to clean! Drop them in the eyeball cleaning solution and you're done!
>It's the sockets that are tricky!
>Taking a cloth swab and wiping gently behind her eyelids!
>Salty crusts crumble down into the drainage area around her nose!
>... Aw, hell! An eyelash fell into her right socket!
>Fetching the tweezers! Careful! Careful!
>Careful, I said! You almost scratched the membrane!
>Got it! Nice job! Wouldn't want to have her eyeball chafe in her socket, then suddenly burst at a dinner party or something!
>Popping those eyeballs back in!
>One's a little off center, but that's okay!
>Moving on to the hair!
>Oily skin secretions a must to keep her feeling lifelike!
>The same goes for her scalp!
>Alas, like humans, this brings scaly buildup behind the ears and at the nape of the neck!
>Fortunately, synthetic skin is highly resilient!
>Roughly scraping off congealed oil and guck from Monika's scalp!
>There are tools for this, but you prefer to use your fingernails!
>It's more intimate!
>The detritus coming off like cheese from a grater!
>The volume is so great that you can make a watchface-sized ball of scalp debris, oil, and loose hair!
>Normal skin would redden at such a fierce cleaning, but hers is soon pearly white, almost like new!
>You even found a new friend: A spider deep in the crown of her hair, clinging to her scalp!
>Placing Mr. Spider among the bananas where he can have his fill of fruit flies!

>Cleaning Android Monika is a detail-oriented job!
>Bellybutton lint! Toejam! Lubricating her Achilles tendon where skin meets shoe!
>No earwax or boogers, at least!
>Completing the easy work first, just like your parents taught you, so your focus isn't diverted when the important work comes up!
>That cleaning you've been postponing...
>That cleaning you've been putting off... for later!
>Gently sanitizing Monika's nipples of their curds! Usually you'd do this after sex, but now you can be really thorough in ways Monika detests!
>Curds taste okay! A little too sweet since you topped off her antifreeze last week!
>Giving her bust a slap for fun! She hates it when you do that!
>Playing the percussion for "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" on Monika's chest and thighs! She'd really hate that if she were awake!
>Enough frolicking! You've got a job to do!
>The "important work" looms!
>You've been avoiding it up 'til now!
>Waiting!
>Hoping, praying it resolves itself somehow!
>But it doesn't! It didn't! It won't!
>Monika's been saying for a long time that she needs to be cleaned!
>She was right!
>So you gently remove Monika's panties!

>Her bare ladyparts are a mite crusty, like many humans' ladyparts are!
>Nothing a washcloth won't cleanse!
>... It's what's inside that you're afraid of!
>Taking a deep breath!
>Parting Monika's labia!
>Recoiling at the hypergrotesque stench wafting out!
>Let's try that again!
>Taking a deep breath!
>Parting Monika's labia!
>Inadvertently vomiting all over Monika's stomach!
>In a eureka moment, thinking of a punchline that ends "Nice to emete you," but not having a joke to go along with it because you're too busy vomiting!
>It would've been too highbrow anyway!
>Dragging Monika up onto the kitchen table and fetching a clothespin to prevent further vomitational kinesis! You'll wipe her off later!
>Once more!
>Pulling off your vomit-stained shirt!
>Taking a deep breath!
>Parting Monika's labia!
>Jamming your arm up Monika's vagina!
>Oh, you forgot the rubber gloves, too! Another regret in a pile of them!
>Well, now you can reconnect with some very old cells of yours!
>You know exactly what you're feeling!
>That crusty, tacky, gloopy jelly in Monika!
>That's six months' worth of human semen!
>Or what's left of it!
>Then, as you're about to take the next step, Monika begins to shriek!
>Oh no! You've triggered Monika's anti-sexual assault software!

>Monika's vaginal walls clamping down on your hand!
>Normally meant to restrain perps, Monika now has you in a fleshy vice!
>Monika stops shrieking to recite her prerecorded anti-sexual assault message!
>"Could you, like, not do that?"
>But there's no escape! Her genitals have rendered your arm immobile!
>Monika recites a second pre-recorded message: "Okay, pencildick! Have It Your Way®!"
>Monika's vagina floods with liquid pepper spray!
>Jesus Christ, it's mixing with your blackened, rotting semen! It's squirting all over!
>Pepper spray already searing your arm! You've got to wake her up!
>No! The shame would be too great! You didn't even finish the job!
>Just finish the job! You have one job!
>Jabbing your searing, bloodspeckled arm further into Monika's vagina!
>With maddened force, plunging out gobs of rotting semen by the handful!
>Ceremoniously placing your once-potential children in a little plastic beach bucket!
>Scraping every fleck of gooey, crusted, pitch-black sperm from the innermost walls of Monika's sacred place!
>Giving it a long look! Then taking it outside and saying goodbye!
>Dumping the gelatinous mass directly into a sewer grate!
>Back inside, prepping Monika's bleach douche!
>Hey, girls are gross sometimes, okay?
>Letting the douche do its job for a few hours! Cleaning up the vomit and stray semen and pepper spray, meanwhile!
>And... done! Draining Monika!
>Careful! Wouldn't want to get any bleach on your skin! That's dangerous!
>Now, she's pristine!
>A success in every respect!
>You announce Monika's turn-on password: "I never asked for this"!
>Monika returning to the land of the living! Asking you how it went!
>"Fine," you perjure!
>Monika asking if you want some post-cleaning coitus!
>"No thanks," you say!
>Cleaning Android Monika!